my first day of school in glorious America I bring burger for the teacher and greet him as magnificent son of bitch to show respect, but he immediately draws pistol and shoots me in the chest while class hoot and holler; the ambulance ride costs one million US dollars

I’m cackling this is so fucking funny

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 4. She regularly asks me coquettishly if I’m single, if I like her, if i have a girlfriend etc. Sometimes she’ll just keep singing the same line of a song, over and over and over which drives me nuts, so I just play the song on Spotify or whatever so she’ll stop.

Well? Do you have a girlfriend?!

My girlfriend makes “camouflage turns you invisible” jokes. One time we were driving and passed a guy with blue jeans and a camouflage shirt, and she said, “Where’s, the other half of that man?” and WHIPPED my head around so fast I almost went off the road because I was expecting to see a bisected human. The jokes are so bad that I don’t even catch them, and she does it every time.