Grief. PTSD. Loss. Not everything we feel needs a name, even though we try so hard sometimes to name all of our moments.
Sometimes, we just need to let the music hold us.

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@pinchthisdollopthat
Grief. PTSD. Loss. Not everything we feel needs a name, even though we try so hard sometimes to name all of our moments.
Sometimes, we just need to let the music hold us.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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While it may not seem important to distinguish between these two conditions, it is actually critical. Even though they may often be co-occurring, they do not have the same causes or treatment in all cases and should be treated as separate conditions so that the initial underlying causes of them can be assessed appropriately.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
And then you smile, and you laugh even though you are crying.
You look back. It feels like you are looking at someone else's life. You know that it had to be worse than it even felt when it was happening because otherwise you just would not have the reactions you do now. You know this.
You look back and it feels like you're watching somebody else's trap and that you somehow fell into it. You feel like Alice, and you just keep falling. The world just keeps seeming more and more ridiculous the more you look at it. You just want to laugh at how silly it all is.
You are equal parts devastated and relieved. There is no way to convey that with the fullness you feel it.
You feel your brain finally processing that you're okay now, and that you've been okay for quite a while. And now you are starting to feel it in your bones too.
Chapter 1
I'm tired. I'm dirty. And I've just lit one of Ellen's tall candles from the dining room table and set it on the edge of the sink for atmosphere--a painful reminder of her. Tub is about half-full, soap suds foaming up around the rim, mirror over the sink fogging up--
Then quickly back through the living room to the kitchen to pick up my drink, tuck smokes and lighter under my armpit, portable radio in the other hand, everything coming together nicely.
But crossing back through the living room I catch something out of the corner of my eye that I don't want to believe: something standing stock-still out in the yard. Most of him obscured by the loosely-tied back curtains, but by what very little I see of him--T-shirt, sunburned arm curved around a large bulky paper bag, and the big belly, or part of it--I instantly recognize who it is. No vehicle in the yard, though. How'd he get here and what he wants keep going through my mind as I begin undoing everything--bathwater off, candle out, radio back on kitchen counter. I pull my dirty britches back on and step out on the porch, bringing my drink and smokes with me.
The man hasn't moved, just a big fat arm up, beer to his lips.
Francis Hughes is about the last person on Earth I want to see standing there at this moment--if anyone at all--but I speak without showing too much displeasure.
"Howdy, Francis. What's going on?"
There are moments.
Moments, where you sigh.
Moments where time itself freezes around you. It freezes so that you can say what you must say. What you've been avoiding giving voice to.
You still can't look at it. Your eyes don't blink. You can feel that they're still unfocused. You gaze through the objects in front of you, into some space deep inside yourself. A space where things don't make sense because they don't have to make sense anymore. They simply are the truth. You hear your own voice saying words that must be said.
You know if you stop, you won't say it all. After you've said those things, that's when you exhale. You realize, that you've been holding your breath that whole time.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Breathe.
jots down some opinions, thoughts, and other things