Kay

Most of my friends migrated to other social media sites so tumblr has become my therapy without judgement.

I wish I was in a powerful position in life where I could tell my story and people actually cared . Where my testimony made a difference in someone else’s life.

2015 I dropped out of college because nobody wanted to help me pay. I literally begged everyone from my dad to my grandparents. Nothing.

I moved back home. Worked 2 jobs 7am-5pm then 6pm-1am every day almost. I worked my ass off no sleep literally to save 10k to go back to school. I walked into the bank with ones, fives , tens all from my tips and paychecks. (Not a stripper) . It was my shinning moment .. Then I met this guy.

He threw me off my goals. Even my body knew he wasn’t right for me. I got sick. He eased my pain with drugs and sex. Then I got pregnant. I failed the semester I worked so hard to pay for . I quit my jobs. I was losing my mind.

My pregnancy was so hard. I didn’t like it one bit. That’s when he mentally broke me. I found condoms in his house. Here I was 6 months pregnant and he broke me. Pregnant, heartbroken and jobless the life right?

We… honestly I tried so hard to make it work to prevent a broken family for my baby. I stayed for the baby & I was miserable. Years of holes in the walls, fights, and crying. I checked out. My escape plan was to stay with to my grandma.. then sis died on me. Literally on me. I watched her take her last breathe as I walked her to her bed. I couldn’t go back to my dads he kicked us out. So I took my baby and started life alone.

For a year I was happy I felt myself coming back. Then.. I opened the door one last time. I let him back into my life. Nothing changed . He broke up with me for a girl he fell in love with on tinder … spoiler alert! It was me. I catfished him and watched him ignore my text to text her. He had to go. My abandonment issues caused me to sleep with him again after all his apologies . Guess what happened next … I got pregnant. If I knew I was pregnant I wouldn’t have kept her. When I found out I was already 2 months and sis had a heartbeat. The thought out being stuck with him again sicken me. I used to tell him my goals and dreams & he would shoot them down every time. “Why you need a college degree? We don’t have time for that we have kids” he was content with the $17/ hr we made but I wanted more.

My daily affirmation has turned into the phase “I’m outside”. As much as society tries to make it about sex, I make it about freedom. For so long I have been “inside” . Inside my head, inside my feelings, inside hopeless relationships & ironically inside the house cooped up .

I’ve been sad, depressed and unhappy for so long. Majority of my 20s actually. Allowing toxicity around me to abuse, manipulate and lie to me for so long at times I thought death was my only way out. I couldn’t tell anyone that though.

So many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, feeling tired, unloved & lost . I couldn’t tell anyone that though.

For so long I’ve watched my friends live their best lives while I was trapped inside. Whether it was because of the kids , or the man or my own insecurities.

One day we went to Chicago to visit his family & you know what he did ? Left me in their house. The house felt like prison no matter whose it was. I wanted to go outside.

I wanted to breathe the air & smell the flowers. I wanted to go on random trips with nobody stopping me . I wanted to get drunk and dance to old 90s music. I wanted to go outside.

He’s different. Always has been. Since we were teenagers I knew it was something about him. Something I couldn’t quite understand. How I feel like a kid when he’s around. Excited yet bashful. How he saw me flawless & adored my every move. Physique was tall, complexion reminded me coffee & personality, shy but yet mysterious. He was my comfort zone. We could lay in bed , & I’ll feel completely safe. I ruined it. I allowed for my fears and stupidity to push him away. In a way I was trying to protect him, from what I knew could come. I admired our friendship more than I loved us. Time passed & our connection faded in the background. He started relationships, I started a family. Did I ruin my chances? Yes Can I see a future now ? No .

I feel like life took us into two different directions.

Yet am I willing to enjoy this time I finally have with him? Yes.

My body enjoys him. It’s definitely a different touch. Doesn’t give me the lust feeling however. That rough, hot sex I’m used too. He’s gentle with me even with his strokes.

When he kiss me. I don’t feel that fire. I feel warmth . I hate kisses but I let him kiss me because I feel how his body trembles when I’m next to him and I want him to feel relax around me. I want him to truly enjoy me and everything I have to offer even sexually.

It’s weird because although we’ve crossed that level of intimacy, he feels like home. Like a brother in a way. Ew I know .