Sad Trans Boy

As spring is here and summer comes near I know my withdrawal from being around you is going to be fierce. I’m so use to being by your side but it’s my own fault and some days the more I think about it I honestly just want to die but that’s what it’s like when you fall in love with someone who never felt the same way and it’s not your fault but I’m scared these feelings I have will never fade and if they never do I know I’m going to lose the best person who I ever knew.

I know even bringing it up makes you so uncomfortable and mad and honestly not just makes me sad because even if I never get to have you I’d settle for just best friend cuddles but i fucked that up too, I ever meant to hurt you I just always wanted to be close to you not even just in a sexual way but any way but I always seem to push you away.

I’m use to having friends with benefits that shit never got in the way but with you it seems like I always lose no matter what i say or what I do and isn’t it so sad I’m so pathetic all I had to do was lose this weight and start acting less gay and maybe not always bring up shit from the previous night or day but I always seem to find the urge to bring up the very things that push you away.

I wish I could still even cuddle or get your pets that made me feel safe but those days are gone and I feel your love for me even as a fiend is starting to fade and to be honest I know there’s nothing I can say that will make all my mistakes go away.

I’d give anything for just one chance, I’d even give anything to have things go back like they use to be before you use to resent me but I know the problem is sometimes me. I shouldn’t have lied just to be closer by your side... I never meant to make you hold all your anger that you feel inside... but once you rejected me I stopped remember how to not lie when all I had to do was not make up excuses or lies.

Here I am again outside and all I can do is sigh because you’re the only person who ever would sit by me all night and let me cry, I could tell you anything and you use to do the same until I pushed you too far with getting too emotional over sex, now I’m fine when we do but I wish I was good enough for us to not had to have been drinking one two many shots but that’s the only time I had a shot with you is when we would take shots but the next day i felt like it was just the drinks and you didn’t mean what you said you told me what I wanted to hear because i was too insane to just enjoy a friendship with sex but I felt like you were ashamed and that brings even more pain and all I wanted was just to be good enough in some way or any way... I just wanted to make you feel happy you knew me.