Everything fades in time, it's true.

So it has occurred to me that I've not logged in let alone posted anything in a very long time. Not a whole lot has changed, still feel utterly heart broken, still put on a smile for the world to see and still feel utterly trapped with no way out. But surly something has changed? Well, yes, yes it has. I've moved jobs and despite feeling a little stressed at the moment I know this change has been for the better. I've finally given unto pressure and decided to give this online dating malarkey a go - I hate it as much as I thought I would. Also I've realised I've lost quite a bit of my creative drive and feel useless at all I used to enjoy. I've finally started to lose weight for myself but it appears this week I've gone into self destruction mode - not cool Rach! I still hide out in my bedroom and don't really socialise with my mother and brother. Most occasions it just turns into an argument and my one back up is no longer around. For some reason, the brother and I had a massive blowout Thursday night and it's just opened up a whole lot of raw emotions that I've been trying to hide. I miss my dad, yes I know it's normal to given the circumstances before anyone thinks otherwise. However, from the moment he left us I had to become head of a house, I've had to be the tough, brave and sensible one to protect my mother and brother but who's been there for me to crumble? Nobody because I've felt like I've not been able to show any emotions, I've had to look at things in a logical way - "he's no longer suffering", "remember the good times", etc,etc. That still does not stop the fact that I just want one last cwtch, to hear his voice again and to be told that I make him proud. It will be 2 years this coming March, so I guess I've left it too late to have an "acceptable" meltdown as time is a great healer, or so they say. Anyway, I know this makes no sense and will probably sound stupid to most but that's how I feel and that's the way it is.

I know it shouldn't be fun and games as it is a serious illness but when it comes to helping my mother it comes with violent outbursts. Yes, whenever her sugars drop and she goes hypoglycaemic she turns into this raging bull who just can't wait to charge. Early hours of Wednesday had to be the worst, I've got scratches up my arms, chunks gouged out of my arm & one finger where she dug her nails in and bit me. Yes she bit me.

5 and a bit days until I'm back here again.

Still cannot believe that a week has past. This here is my first love, one of my heros and someone I adored. Dad, I thought I would have a little longer with you but I will continue to make you proud. Rest in peace and keep on rocking!! xxxx

It has been an expensive yet fantastic time with these two lovely ladies. We don't see each other that often but everything remains the same. Such a lush escape from reality for a couple of days.

To the left we have some new purchases from the lovely wanderlust jewellery and to the right we have my collection of purchases to date. Such good quality items (www.wanderlustjewellery.bigcartel.com)

Feel like absolute shit, cold and stomach is in agony. Therefore treated myself to some lovely roses and what looks like some cool purple flowers.

A couple of days in Spain, lurvly!