Vegetarian.

Hello from my pussy at 3:10pm

I think that putting a chicken in the microwave is like the most sanitary thing to do, plus it doesn’t have all the extra calories from the grease

D R A M A

How you make a giraffe made enough to chase you lmfaoooo

Get those colonizers!!!

so today at work I cleaned this old man’s golf clubs and I thought he was getting his wallet out of his bag but instead he pulls out this giant plastic target bag of yellow plums. he tipped us in yellow plums. he told us not to tell anyone we had these and I looked them up because they were so good and these plums are illegal in the US. I got tipped in illegally imported plums. 

Please don’t let the Oxford comma die. If you were apathetic about it before, I think this will help you understand why it is necessary.

On the other hand, these sentences are pure gold.

tell me why Ayesha Curry has a secret instagram account & is posting videos using one of those funny face snapchat filters & speaking in a Jamaican accent 😂 

depression sucks because you could be half way done dancing in your underwear and making cookies and all the sudden everything is pointless and you feel so lost and worthless and have no motivation to breath and it’s like ??????? theses cookies were going to be great ??? calm down depression ?? pls ?