F. K. A.

S.H.E. asked and he said yes!

“I will not use this space to be a peach like I always am”, said Hank as his smile grew into an evil grin with all 32 teeth showing and sparkling.

Hank is not a very ideal young man. He has spent every day of his past 4 years taking everyone he meets through an evolutionary experience that serves as nothing than a fulfillment for his true purpose in life.

On day 173 of the 2016 year, an unresolved and an undying uncertainty was finally thoroughly discussed between S.H.E. and Hank. As thorough as the conversation was, Hank went into it knowing that it would be a highly pixelated picture ending to the day and it may only be as useful as a vacuum cleaner in a dusty room without electricity.

Hank was partly right but S.H.E. was almost very content with the results from the conversation. The fury breakout that was witnessed by Hank enforced these very words, “I – H-A-T-E – U”.

S.H.E., feeling like the “bigger man or woman in this case” said, “Well, then maybe you should write about it and then also challenge yourself to write about what you like too”.

This ended the conversation and from the window of my house, I heard through the very thin walls of Hank’s house as he screamed and started cursing at S.H.E.

Half the things he said was lost through memory retention and fluctuation in voice from a high pitch scream to a narrowed out-of-breath voice. My fascination drove me to write about it as I heard him sob by himself when his hormones rolled up on him after his full abuse of all the things he hates about S.H.E.

“I cannot believe her! Every time, she feels that she is needed and that I cannot survive on my own. I hate that! I hate how she wants to talk about everything. Even when not talking about it might be of benefit to our situation. . . Our situation? Is there even a SITUATION? I hate how I am uncertain. I even hate more about how uncertain I am about what I am uncertain about. I hate her! I hate how she laughs at everything. The sound of her laughter only drives me crazy in a ticklish way. She sounds like a crazy bird which is being haunted for meat. I hate how she expect me to not laugh when she wants to have a serious conversation but she thinks it is okay when S.H.E does that all the time. I hate how her hair is and what it represents to me. It looks weird and disgusting even though I want to smell it all the time. I hate how she can sometimes ignore me and then make me feel bad about how I ignored her back. I hate the way she talks and wants to talk some more and more and more and I want to just stop. I hate all the times that she categorizes me. It pisses me off so much and I just want to explode but I cannot because if I do, then I will hate her more because she will give me a hard time about how I do not take things easy. I hate how impatient and insecure S.H.E. can get. It is almost as if she wants to do nothing about it and that she is perfect. I hate that she goes to the gym because I do not understand what she is trying to loose or run away from. I hate that she sometimes has so much fun; I envy it and that makes me hate her too. I hate how little time I get with her. I hate that I can never really hang out with her. I hate the time S.H.E. tries to give me out of her busy schedule because she does not even understand what busy means. I hate . . . I hate . . . “ – then Hank’s voice went under and he went into a soft zone and for about a minute, he was just crying inside and he was absolutely quiet.

I sat back and thought about how a person could be sad angry, so sad and so emotional about something or someone. I could not grasp Hank’s equilibrium state to his frantic and then to calm.

My mental faculties could not comprehend it and the more I thought about it, the more I started to believe that there are thin lines between love, like and hate.

I did not hear him say anything more about S.H.E and as a matter of fact, he did not say anything anymore. However, I believe in his time of silence and sadness and tears, he was rewriting all the things he hated about S.H.E. into how unique these things are and what he likes about S.H.E.

I do not know who S.H.E. is, but if S.H.E. is reading this, I hope you realize that what you have had Hank experience over the space of half an hour is an emotional transformation from “a human UnderHATE” to “an appealing UnderHEAT” for non-other than YOU.

. . .

… "A perfect score is undeniable. Equality for all is unachievable." His everyday words to maintain sanity. His pathway does not ever clear up. The normal mental faculties of a man somehow escaped him. He is not Einstein but he is truly unique. He hopes for something big. He dreams of achieving something bigger, but with every passing day, he feels a deterioration within; when an impact is not teleported from him to another; when an obstacle is generated as a reason; when he thinks about …what he desires… before his eyes shut. For days without end, all he wants is more. But his scope of impact had reached a divergence. He wants it for her. She resonates something dark. The very epitome of the sin city.  She does not stop.  With ever smile comes great attention as an unfathomable outcome. Attention that turns it's victims into caution for the next big thing. She desires the unknown.  He desires the just known. "How? How could this happen to me? I have to shell up and stay isolated. I feel like a lethal explosive to myself." - an internal conviction he monologued when Her resonance turned into a starr at him. It was dark. He was dark. She was lit with a smile and closed eyes, which was a stereotype known mostly for people from the Asia Pacific Region. Loud music prevented him from saying "hey", instead, he signed a language. He had no idea she would reciprocate. In his head, of course it made sense, but to her, he knew it might not. "Pretty girls make me do dumb things" - an internal conviction echoed to him. He continued and she moved away from the crowd, which was the only blurr between him and her. On a red couch a conversation begun. He was unconventional with his questions; she was receptive with little to know real come backs. He didn't stop. He was truly fascinated by her. In the midst of the intrigue in words being shared, a point came he realized one thing . . . "I want this to stop. Coz I know that once I blink, she will no longer be here.", - internal conviction reloaded. Like the rise and fall of the sun, it happened. He blinked and she was no longer there. He turned around and she was attention-captured by another. Truly, she was a constant resonance of the sin city. The sun indeed had fallen and his night was the longest ever lived. As he tossed and turned, he dreamt of drowning. Drowning in the sand. Buried alive by the ideology of an internal conviction come true. As his nightmare generated sweat that soaked his bed sheets, he found a happy place. A place of sand serenity: A place of an emotional discovery : A place of quality time to display: Most people call it the Sahara desert, he only dreamt of it as his sand serenity. - And he woke up to his sand serenity. With that dream came a divergence. A divergence that drifted him from her. Another day had come and all he asked for was time;  time to discover and celebrate with no contribution from his desire. So he did. He spent every minute on the sand serenity with a "you only live once" mindset. As the camel trotted towards an alley in the sand serenity, - there she was; attention capturing for him; with a teddy bear in hand and the strap of the camel in another. "How? What is she doing here?" - he asked himself. His solid sand serenity quacked and transformed to quick sand.  He couldn't stand at one place with the fear for drowning and the thoughts of missing out on another chance with her. "What can I do now? I will walk up to her and say, hey. No, I will move on in my celebration. After all, she desires another." - he said to himself. In the alley were tents. And in one of the tents, he hid. Drinking, talking, smoking. He does not smoke, however, the YOLO mindset was well settled with him so he had no fear of trying anything. As the music played and the booze displayed, she flipped open the curtain door to the tent. He was perplexed. "May I come in and hang with you guys, I can't sleep?"- she asked. All 8 people in the tent said sure come in. She sat across the room from him. He couldn't stop starring at her. He was hoping to get alone time with her. Out of nowhere, a semi-opportunity emerged and she moved to sit right next to him. He offered her the smoking pipe and the booze but she turned them down. He tried to start a convo but she gave straight answers. And then, when he was almost about to give up, he asked, "do u want to read something and tell me what u think." She said yes and read a story from him. She liked it and she smiled at him. The personal fulfillment he gained was also accompanied with the will to go on. "Let's go out for a short walk." - he suggested and she said, "sure". He blinked, and there they were, lying in the cold sand serenity and looking up at the stars in the skies. "~Till Day Break~ I will forever remember this moment we shared. ~Till Day Break~ I may never see as beautiful a smile as yours ~Till Day Break~ I will not blink so that I can consume my thoughts with joy of my sand serenity and my desired, in this community." - his Internal conviction completed. And then he blinked . . . He woke up alone with a smile on his face of how vivid dreams can be. "One day, the pictures of her hanging in my brain will fade to black, to be replaced by the real HER" - he hoped.

By FKA.

Just like the sun of the summer in Europe, the thoughts of forever begins and ends. My forever has never been a delight with inclusion of another, but a separation with indication of me being an influence of my environment and even better, my world. When it all begun; I mean, when I was me and u were u, I mean, when u had nothing to do with me and I had something or someone to do besides you, I mean, when my thoughts were filled with your nudity and how u may or may not look like, I mean, when I had hope of a hit and run, I mean, when I thought I was too cool to feel anything or have any attachment without careful screening with more of my mind over my heart. It was an unpredictable but yet, a genuine laugh I got out of you with my first phrases. Your laughter made me feel like I could hear myself and know how funny I am. Yet, I had no idea of the unbecoming, neither did I have an understanding of the future my words would/may be digging for me. I had what is referred to as freedom and/or limited freedom, considering that fact that I am black and have a lurk over my head for the things I can do with approval from my slave masters, my parents or my society. But as the famous song writer once stated, "freedom is just another word for missing someone". I believed in stories of happy endings that has me as the protagonist. I believed in participating in things that made me more of a star that a weaker link. I believed that being with you was no good, because you are a majority and I, being the minority, will forever dwell in the mist of the night with the shadows as I try to follow your lead without any opinions or conflicts. But my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, my terrors, have and I believe will always live with me. However, a beginning in most situations is the start of something, be it good or bad and with or without my aching head of possible implosions with several scenarios, I would have to take an action step or I will become nothing more than a black dinosaur. So it begun, a trailer from the 90s where boy meets girl, boy tries to impress girl, girl notices boy, an attraction develops and an answer to the question of how sex will be for both the girl and the boy is reached. Then, the part of if they are both worthy to be together lurks until a courageous one of the 2 speaks out and asks, "so what are we now?". This happened and a breath from the depths of my shriveled balls quacked up through my spine and my mastery through breathing was not to answer the question but to swallow my saliva and remain a coward, for my level of anointing was a preference not of my courage, but of my inability to submit myself to just one. Yet, I knew I had to say something, so I said, " what do mean?" And she replied by saying, "I think I am into you!". I smiled and felt my ego rise in my thoughts but also, felt an angle of fear that i will lose my freedom per my submission to my true feeling. What the famous song writer did not say is the other phrase for not having freedom, but if there is anything that this modern day and age thought me, its that not being free to maneuver your way through life means you have been, what is classified as, "pussy whipped". Back to reality, I said, in hope of a take back sometime sooner than later, "I think I am into you too!". She smiled and hugged me. But, my thoughts, my doubts, my fears, my terrors, have and I believe will always live with me. And my deepest fear was/ is to end up with the wrong one. The one who will not make me happy; the one I would have committed to on impulse out of poor judgement under the influence of any chemical; the one whom I disappoint, the one who finds me repelling after sometime and says it to my face; but most especially, the ONE I WILL FALL MADLESSLY IN LOVE WITH and be enslaved to her touch and words forever and ever. I also knew that my doubts and my fears at the very beginning will forever blind me to the hope of a glorious end in finding the one. The one that would make me go down on my knees and tell her these words; "I know I don't have the world, I know I don't even have the highest paying job, I know I am not the prettiest one, or even the most endowed man, But I know that if you are a fool enough to want to spend the rest of your days with this fool, this fool will love the shit out of you until his soul leaves his body, and even then, this fool will wait and search for u on the other side and try to win your love again." A doubtful beginning may leave me with a long road ahead of me with nothing but paved potholes but A doubtful beginning coupled with A hopeful end will be like a river of boundless love which carries us to a place where you belong and a place where I will be, a place where our hearts and mind will be synchronised, a place where all of you, is all of me. If I stand, I know I will fall, you know me well, and you have seen it all, my darkest night , my deepest fears, my worst thoughts, my greatest doubts, I cry to you and I hope you will hear. :*

By FKA

My heart beats faster everytime. She catches me off guard. I think I do think about her from time to time… At the end of everyday… It scares me that I know her and that she might know me so well.

S.H.E. is not the predictable ad on my facebook wall about feminism. S.H.E. is the Super special person that makes me want to go back on my words everyday. S.H.E. is the Hope that I sometimes think I have towards sanity at every uncertain turn I take. S.H.E. is the Emerald that reflects in my very unforeseen imagination and fixation. S.H.E. is far from perfect. However, she is indeed different. S.H.E. tickles my sense of curiosity with our constant conversations. S.H.E. drives my hope for more in a way that I dont think any man can ever imagine… But enough about how S.H.E. works into me.

…A reliable person who seeks for nothing more than undesired presence of endless adventures. Listening to her stories describes the epitome of what she does not seek to let her life turn into. She lives in the moment and hopes for the best out of it. If I didnt know better, I would call her a scout for everything that is good. It saddens me to say that I can not call her that. She has experienced pain that has somehow overshadowed how pure she can be. She has dressed and put on a smile for the world even with a sore heart and a reflecting mind. What she definitely is, is a strong person. She will not stop and will not fall back without giving it a shot. A shot for a day out in the sun; A shot for making at least one person enjoy her presence; A shot for what she believes in… But… What does she believe in? What she is not, is certain. Spontaneous is an understatement for her order of operations in comparism with the society she was born into. I ask myself why?, why is she so spontaneous?, why does it feel like she sometimes thinks the clouds under her feet will disappear?, why does she want something that can never be a certainty? Or does she want it? Her personality partly describes how BLUE she smells. Her BLUE smell is in description of a pleasant smell of something that is boiling. This is not the odour of something boiling in passing, but when you stick your head over a pot with the immediate steam rushing into your face; the smell of immediate high relief. She looks like a summer dress that hangs from a dry line in the open; simple, pretty and ready to go. Her hair describes her pattern of thoughts. The curls in her hair represent waves of perceptions which agrees alot with why she wishes to wing everything to prevent further complication for herself and the people around her. Her straight face is designed for how much she smiles and laughs but like every other thing that does not belong, she has a facial evolution with every different emotional display. I do not know what SHE has become, I am uncertain of where she is going but my undying uncertainty excites the living hell out of me.

These words focus on who SHE is and what I think SHE has become. My lack of observation and consideration for others may prevent me from fully describing her but I believe in HER more and more everyday and I know that I will in no time soon want to pathways with her. This is why S.H.E. scares me and this is why The Undying Uncertainty of S.H.E. will forever live on…

By F.K.A