Phie's blog

Valarr ever the gentleman is walking you home from a couple of drinks with your friends. Unfortunately for you, he overheard the tipsy conversation you were having (supposedly discreetly) with your girl friends on the other side of the table:

"You like him?" he asks barely concealing his smirk though his usually composed facial expression seems edgier.

"Oh my god Val!" you say throwing your head back laughing "I used to I guess-"

"Really?"

"It was more of crush!"

He scoffs "What even is the difference?"

"It was just like...I don't know I mean you can't deny that he's attractive?"

"I can actually, he's my cousin" Valarr says amused

"Oh come on, you're posh enough I'm sure some questionable things happened between your ancestors at some point" you say snorting

"Don't turn the conversation arounr with these accusations" he says now openly laughing with you

"Ugh whatever yes, I had a crush on Aerion! So what, nothing happened" you sigh and valarr turns quiet trying to decipher the exactitude of your face in night time lighting;

"He didn't want to date any way, or rather I guess he didn't want to date me considering he jumped at the chance to get with that exchange student from Lys..." you shake your head "I mean it's fine though, it probably wouldn't have worked out so"

"It didn't work out much better for them anyway considering they broke up"

"I know, I guess he really just isn't that type of guy you know? Not bofriend material" you say smiling "It's just"

"What?"

You've stopped walking now and Valarr is unfairly perfectly aligned with the moon.

"I just wished it was me he tried to change for...I wasn't even worth that" you say shrugging

You start off uni with very few contacts as most people from your high school chose to stay closer to home.

You get to go to the top university of the capital and even if the commute is hell in your mind it’s worth it.

You meet valarr in your introductory econ class. He’s nice and polite and just breathes posh vibes.

You do think he’s cute right away (how could you not??) but because he’s just so well put together you can’t decide if he’s just a tad shy or unapproachable.

When you have to sign up for the midterm project…well there’s no harm in putting your name next to his on the sign up sheet right? Besides the subject really looks pretty interesting.

You keep it nice and cordial but again he’s just so well put together that your meet ups stick strictly to the schedule and the work you have to do.

There’s a few jokes and messages here and there throughout the rest of the semester but your friends decide if nothing happens over break you need to move on ‘nice boys are no fun anyway!’.

That’s how you end up at the sports association’s party. One thing leads to another and next thing you know they need someone to help them out because the next competition also has arts and they don’t know how to do that.

You get a free spot on the girls soccer team and unlimited budget to do whatever you want for the fashion comp.

You need at least one male model and one of the girls on the volleyball team suggests aerion. You’ve seen him around a bit but you guys have never talked.

Obviously you decide to stalk him, hotshot playboy captain of the soccer team, all you can think about is with how pretty he is he HAS to be gay ? Surely surely he has to be gay ?

Wrong hello ultimate flirt during the fittings. Walks you to your tube station and all. And your like damn? Ok maybe you kind of understand what all the girls see in him. But he’s not one for relationships and you’re not that type of girl… no harm in flirting anyway.

By the time the sports weekend arrives you’re not only seeing aerion there but valarr too?

That’s when you learn golden boy is on the basket ball team.

He’s much nicer to you than aerion but because you’re both doing the soccer matches and the arts together you spend more time around him and the crush persists.

Like yeah he flirted with other girls at the party yesterday…but he helps you with your wraps and your shin guards so…

Little do you know valarr went to see one of your matches, aerion is on the other side with your coach. ‘When you’re benched and it starts raining and one of the other guy gives you his wind breaker both of them are absolutely fuming.

Valarr is more discreet in his affection silently making sure you’re okay. Aerion is more bold but he doesn’t really know what he wants.

(AN: was not finding any picture I liked in terms of vibes for Mia and River so I went with these lol, let's say it's meant to encapsulate their souls mmkay let's proceed)

Jackson Lamb could not be found in Slough House, it was Roddy Ho who greeted Mia, River and James as they entered the old building.

'Hello gorgeous' said Ho when Mia stepped into the room behind River who rolled his eyes.

'Uh hi' Mia had a hesitant smile on her face, like she couldn't quite decide what she was supposed to think yet.

'Where's Lamb?' asked River

'Don't know really'

'I was about to comment, but then I remembered that this entire building's dedicated to useless fuck ups'

'And look where you found yourself James' said Mia patting his chest. River grinned like he had come up with the jab himself. He followed the sound of creaking steps and found Mia in the kitchen.

'Are you okay?'

She had both her hands gripping the counter. It was like her hair was falling in strategic places that forbade River from accessing the clues on her face as to how she felt.

'I don't know.'

'Are you still feeling nauseous?'

'Yes, but I always do when I'm anxious. I never really throw up, it's just like...I don't know that's just how I react to stress, but I don't think I've actually vomitted anything since I was a child'

'Lucky you'

She pulled back looking at him leaned back to the counter. The hair had parted, the emotion on her face was clear: anger.

'Yeah lucky me wanting to throw up'

River's eyes widened, he felt the heat creeping up his neck. Why did he always have to sound like an asshole? 'No no no! That's not- I didn't mean that like that. I throw up. A lot! Well not a lot, just I- Yeah I throw up when I see blood' Very manly he thought. Good fucking job he thought.

Mia had her brows furrowed. River's phone buzzed in his pocket. He checked it, it was a message from Lamb. 'Need to go dark. Bring your boyfriend and Ho'

'Shit'

'What?' she looked weird again, like she would turn herself blank again. River thought back to her in the car silently crying.

'We have to move, now.'

---

Jackson Lamb had liked Mia's father well enough. He was a bit of a machist and he was sure he had in his on time had his fair share of controversial jokes. A lifetime ago at a dinner party at their adress he had met her mother, a sweet woman who looked completely estranged from the world her husband inhabited. Mia's brother Lewis had been the true golden child, skipping a grade and with an incredible memory. His chess trophies were in the licing room. When only the people working at the park were left in the room after a few drinks there had been anecdotes of his past shared. Habits he had given up in favour of his children. It was one of the advantages of not being on the field he supposed, you never possessed the same amount of glory even if you were to be the best at what you did, but you could have a family, it was easier in that sense.

Mia was named after MI5 he had said. The men had laughed. His wife came back in, asked about what was going on. Jackson was the one who had asked grinning, if she knew what her daughter was named after. She had smiled, lokked at her husband, and said yes. I thought it was odd at first, she'd said, but then I realised, I don't think he's ever cared for something as he did for the service. And that was that. Mia probably knew that story as well, probably hated it. And now he guessed, she would hate it even more because it had cost her her father.

---

James was driving again with Roddy in the passenger seat, River and Mia in the backseat.

'What if something happens?'

'Well something clearly is happening'

'I'm not fucking talking to you'

'Mia' River touched her shoulder 'I promise, as soon as I can I'll get you a burner'

'I don't have everyone's number memorised! Just my parents! What about everyone else? What about work?' She had tied her hair back in the car. Her eyes were red and glossy: distress.

'The most important thing right now, is to keep you safe'

She scoffed, turned away against the car window. River wondered if she was going to cry again. And he thought, if I see that, I'll consider crying myself.

A gun shot shattered the glass behind them. Mia screamed, Ho let out a similar sound at a much higher pitch.

Mia had both her hands flat atop her jeans. She knew people were probably watching her from the other side of the mirrored glass she was staring at. River might be somewhere else, she had appreciated him intervening on her behalf although obviously it had not been a great success. Along Diana Taverner who she knew and the small blond man River had called Spider was a scruffy looking bloke referred to as Duffy who had promptly knocked River out clean when he got a bit too close to them. Would it have made her less nervous to have River in the room with her? She wasn't so sure. He was easy to tease, keen almost. They had but one memory shared but it was a sufficiently pleasant one for them to feel a sort of warmth in her mind. He wasn't exactly a friend but even an aquaintance seemed wrong, they weren't in each other's lives.

Diana Taverner's heels clicked as she enterred the room. Once upon a time Mia would've admired her poise, her long skirt and heels. Not a crease to be found, undeniable elegance one might try to emulate, Mia had tried before and gotten bored of the whole ordeal. Still, maybe in something other than jeans and boots, she might've felt somewhat of an equal to her in this conversation. She knew this would be anything but.

'Would you like a glass of water Mia?'

She caught herself swallowing, she did want a glass of water. If she had a watch she could've checked how long she had been here for, reassured herself, it couldn't've been that long, but of course she didn't know. Would she regret not accepting this later on in the evening? Surely they wouldn't do anything too crazy to her? Her father even if he was no longer in the service had left head held high, a clean record as far as anyone knew, he was well connected enough that if his daughter were abducted...Surely someone would get the word back to him?

'It's not a trick question you know?' Taverner had leaned in, she had the sketch of a smile on her face, she guessed this was as maternal as she did get. Had the urge of comparing her to her own mother who looked nothing like this polished interogator facing her, I want my mom she thought, you never outgrew that, in any situation.

'How long am I to be here for?' she croaked the words out, yeah she did fancy a water after all.

'That depends on how fruitful our little chat is going to be'

'Is this not an interrogation?' Mia's hands came up on the table, the palms were sweaty and felt odd on the white surface, she hid them back down pressed against her jeans once more.

'So you believe we have a reason to interrogate you?'

'No but this doesn't feel very VIP treatment to me' she glanced around the room, acting like she was conducting some sort of surveillance of her own. The room wasn't that big now that she'd looked at it. In middle school she might've considered herself a claustrophobic.

'You are safe here Mia, that is my main concern at the moment'

'Is River safe with his brain hitting the pavement?'

'Cartwright's been through worse' her tone was clipped which make her even fonder of River, she wondered why she seemed so opposed to him, in a way he was supposed to be an even better nepo baby than she was in terms of service hierarchy.

'Is he getting interogated then?'

'I'm sure someone's got something out of him by now, although what I could not say'

Mia stared at Diana Taverner who was checking her nails. She knew what hers looked like, black nail polish, two coats on each finger but her left index who had one more because the top had chipped against the fridge.

'You know that I am fond of you Mia, surely. I meant what I had said then, I still occasionally think it.'

'Is it payback for that then? Me not wanting to join?'

'Oh no, you were always free to choose, it was probably the right thing as well. No one wants the life we have. I don't regret trying to recruit you Mia, I do not think of your rejection so much as your potential.'

Mia's brows furrowed. What the fuck was this conversation?

---

In middle school when mandatory observation courses had rolled around she had begged her father to let her do it at his job. Her image of him was close to pristine at the time, he might as well've been Iron Man. His father had been hesitant, things were 'tense' at work apparently. He had discovered that many employees had a need to bring their children in for similar reasons, tis the season. The kids were banished to some meaningless branch of service and had child-proof demonstrations of the most boring dullest things the Park did. Still Mia had sat through all those presentaions, taking notes and asking the right questions, little goodie two shoes that she was. She knew the right thing to say and had an alarming vocabulary for her age. On some days though, most days if he was being honest, nobody checked when he clocked in, he was sure it figured in a record somewhere, it had to, but he was too good at his job to be told anyhting at the time. Mia had sat through 'business lunches' with covered expenses, it was always all men who did not believe in the capacities of little ears. She had visited the data centers and watched the machines beeping away in her father's department. She of course had no badge and had gotten herself locked out going to the bathroom. That's the first glimpse Diana Taverner had had of Mia. During that week she had seen her again waiting for her father, she was cracking ciphers on a little white notebook in pencil, apparently she had told some cryptologist it interested her greatly. Christ, if she hadn't known who her father was she might've suggested the child see a psychiatrist.

2584.4181.6765.610.1.5

Those were the numbers written on the page in the loopy handwriting that was unmistakenbly a child's. There had been coffee break chatter on the matter. The encryption's department was smug as if Mia was their daughter, her father gloated with the achievement but was a little jostled at the attention on his daughter. Still, apart from the experts no one had managed to crack her code. Diana herself had in secret jotted down the numbers on a sticky note. It had something to do with the Fibonacci sequence, she had heard people mentionning that. The first three were in order as well. What of the rest? She was not going to ask a child that much she knew, men she often found to uncomfortable with their own ego, but even for her it was a bit much. Instead, Diana had cornered a young analyst from the department, he was not much to look at and frankly useless at anything but his job. Still, a little sweet talking got her the answer. Mia had used her own name as a keyword substitution and replaced the usual A1Z26 with the Fibonacci sequence.

That night, in the tube on her way back to her notting hill apartment, Diana had laughed out loud after decoding the message on that crumpled piece of neon yellow and thought, she was a clever girl.

---

'I probably would've failed physical'

'You've seen Jackson Lamb'

'He wasn't always like that'

'Thank God'

'My dad only ever wanted me to be an analyst, he would've never let me be one of you. He would've pulled my papers or something, top gun style'

'You never seemed to care much about your father's wishes after the age of 13'

'I still do, I just care about mine more'

'Is that right?'

'What is this? A fucking therapy session'

Taverner sighed. 'We did in fact try to reach your father'

'He's an different country and time zone'

'Yes, I've been made aware'

---

Mia guessed it had been several hours already and she could feel a headache blooming in the back of her skull. Diana Taverner was good at being calm she thought, she would've flipped a table if she had the energy. Coming in and out of the room. Thankfully she had been supplied with ample water, she had not drunk all of it in fear of not being able to relieve herself. Maybe I should just piss myself she thought, plead insanity, or a seizure? Maybe that way I could go home.

Still something in the questions she was asked didn't make sense. If it had been anyone else she wouldn't be thinking about it but she had admired Taverner enough to try to know what it was like to think like her. The questions she asked were irrelevant. It didn't make sense though she couldn't put het finger on what was bothering her. She really hated this entire experience. She thought about what kind of review she would leave if she could rate this.

'Rude snobby staff, the only somewhat cute guy was short and stole my fake bf #eviltwinkepidemic'

---

While he as being beaten up RIver had thought, surely there is no way for this experience to be anymore humiliating? Life had a way of proving him wrong these days, and in this instance it came in the form of Spider stepping through the door whilst he was still laying on the floor.

'Enjoying some tummy time are you River?'

'Fuck you Spider'

'Yeah, yeah, up you get big guy, you're being let out'

River felt the places where he had been hit protesting against the instructions his brain was trying to send. Still he got up. They had an exchange regarding stanstead that even register itself in River's brain, he was keen to get the taste of blood out of his mouth.

'Quite the looker you brought in'

'I didn't bring her in, and don't be a pig'

'So sensitive, are you menstruating?'

As they neared the entrance he saw Mia standing alongside Taverner though he couldn't hear what was said. When she clocked him, her eyes widened. 'River! What happened' she moved towards him, hands coming up to brush his hair out of his face. In his peripheral vision he could see Taverner raise a disapproving brow. He would've cowered under the attention if he felt any less petty with Spider.

'You should see the other guy' he said devoid of any enthusiasm.

'Yes, see how clean there shirts still are, it's all his blood, it was quite entertaining, actually' Mia looked quite literally, down at Spider whose breath faltered for a beat.

'We should go' she said tugging on his sleeve. He nodded wordlessly, wondering what she could possibly say that he would've refused to her in this instance, if anything.

As they passed Taverner, she said voice steady 'James will see you both back to Slough House, he has a flashbox for Lamb'

Mia didn't stop though RIver's face turned towards the instructions of the second desk.

None of them spoke, River was aware of Spider's presence only by the sound of him falling into step beside them. Mia had yet to release her grip on the sleeve of his jacket which had him glancing at her face. If he was someone else he was sure he could've conjured somehting equally comforting and reassuring to say, but he couldn't. Instead he placed a hand over hers. At the netx juction she took a sharp right which had Webb protesting. Shrugging River off she started dry heaving on the corner of a very nice looking residential building. He gathered her hair, increasingly worried as he was nothing but the occasional spit leaving her mouth.

'Jesus Christ, at least I know what you bonded over' said James.

---

James Webb driving him around, or rather back to Slough House was something that pissed River Cartwright right the fuck off. In the passenger seat he turned his head slightly to check on Mia. She looked quite miserable though he guessed that was aloud after the day she had, her brows were neutral which usually didn't happen much when she was speaking. She was still just as attractive in the bad lighting of the back of the car, the sun was setting on London. There were tears streaming down her face that hadn't stopped since she'd tried to vomit. Nothing else on her face indicated any discomfort, she was just blank. River turned back to face the road, still tuning out whatever shite Spider was saying. In the least comfortable way possible, River twisted the arm furthest away from the driver's side to reach out to the back seat. His hand floated awkwardly for a while and he thought 'what the fuck are you doing'. Before he could retract his hand however, a hand reached for him holding onto his fingers. Her skin was soft and her nails long and smooth. Her other hand covered the rest of it. Even the metal of her rings was warm to the touch. In the mirror he saw her eyes meet his. She looked so sad River thought, so sad. Once again he tried to think of something to say and came up empty.

'Tu vas aller...bien?' River had entirely stopped trying to speak French around her after she had told him that she couldn't undertand what he was saying. She had retracted her statement at the appalled look on his face telling him instead that his accent was quite pronounced and she had initially thought from what he had advertised that he would be fluent. Spider chuckled but he knew he couldn't understand a word of french.

'Je sais pas' she said, voice suddenly so small. The sound brought him back to the image of her from that past summer when they were kids. He had no actual memory of her voice from then, but this was simply how she felt to him he thought, she made him soft. 'Tu sais ce qui se passe ou pas? On m'a posé des questions mais j'avais rien à répondre.'

'Quand...on arrive? Je peux te dire, ce que je sais. Mais, pas beaucoup' He saw her nose scrunch, she sneezed.

'Bless you, are we done with the french class?' said Spider, irritated. River smirked, if there was one thing he hated it was feeling left out. He squeezed Mia's hand.

'We're here'

Dinner had been surprisingly calm at the old bastard's house, it had eased River's mind more than he cared to admit. He had fallen asleep in his old bed, itching to hear soft padding from the corridor coming from the spare room which Mia occupied for the night. Updates from Lamb were quite cryptic which only seemed to fuel everyone's unease regarding the overall situation they found themselves in. If he was being honest, he was itching from some action but Mia's presence had him softening around the edges. The sight of her in soft lights at night seemed so familiar, domestic almost. Ironically he felt images of what his life could be like if he were still at the park, she could be with him then, choose him willingly as opposed to being stuck with him. Her father (which he had looked up on the database) would surely never be keen for his daughter to date a slow horse. He knew it was a stupid idea to think so anyway because he had seen her precisely because of slough house, which could only mean one thing : the mess she was in was bad enough that second desk wanted it as far away from her as possible.

A shout from the kitchen had him furrowing his brows and jumping out of bed. Nothing could've prepared him for the sight that greeted him there. His grandfather, in his robe, had a bread knife held up and pointed directly at Mia. She was standing helplessly hands up and inching towards the back door.

'Jesus, grandad put the fucking knife down!' said River putting himself in front of her.

'River, this girl was walking around the house'

He pinched the bridge of his nose 'Grandad you met her yesterday'

'Are you sneaking women into my house River?' his granfather said slowly lowering the knife

'No, Christ, this is Mia, remember? She played chess with you yesterday' One look at the empty stare from his grandfather had him sighing before he gently led him into the next room.

---

When he came back, she was still standing precisely in the same spot. The sleeves of his hoodie hiding her fingers. At the sight of him she looked up 'River, I'm so sorry-'

'What are you apoligising for ?' he went to put the kettle on before he realised three cups of earl grey had already been made.

She was not looking at him when he answered 'I shouldn't be sneaking around other people's kitchen I'm really sorry'

River looked at her, seemingly shrinking in herself, dark hair falling over her face as she kept staring at the floor. 'Mia, please' he hesitated about reaching out before he ultimately did hand settling over the sleeve of his own hoodie 'It's not your fault really, he hasn't been well, it has nothing to do with you'

The end of the other sleeve covered his hand, he felt a twinge of disappointment at the absence of direct contact with her, still the warmth of her hand radiated right through. She was looking at him brows down turned and he had trouble deciphering the emotions going through her eyes. After a while she blushed realising how long they had been staring at each other for 'I really kind of want to say that I'm sorry again'

'No please don't' The rest of breakfast happened in comfortable silence, he learned that she took her tea with honey and milk, she was appalled at how long he left his teabag in for. David had thankfully calmed down and in a surge of what he thought might be embarassment he had sent River and Mia away for lunch, River was grateful for an out although he had to keep reassuring Mia that she was in fact not in the wrong. She was skipping ahead the road of him in an old pair of boots which were several sizes too big and one of his barbour jackets 'You're so posh River, share a little with us peasants' she had said riffling through his clothes. It had him laughing and shaking his head.

They walked together into town to find a place for lunch, after walking around for a bit she admitted she wasn't that hungry yet and they settled for sausage rolls they ate leaned against a brick wall.

She was smoking again. She wasn't supposed to, but then again her version of quitting smoking was pretty loose and forgiving. She still stole the occasional cigarette at parties, when she wanted to feel the alcohol kicking in faster, or when she needed an excuse to approach people. But this? Smoking in public in the early afternoon? This wasn't something she did. Then again usually she wasn't being babysitted by MI5 loser agents- That was mean, she kind of liked River. And she definitely respected Jackson Lamb, granted he did look a bit forse for wear, that was bound to happen when you signed up for the job that he did. But River had lied, even if he had then apoligised profusely stating it was to try and cause her less distress...That obviously had NOT worked.

It was her journal that they had taken. That was the only thing they had taken from her room. They had gone through the rest of the stuff but anything expensive had been left there carelessly. What did that even mean? surely they had better things to steal than her journal? She cursed herself for bringing it. She had the small one she always kept on herself in her purse but of course she had to bring the other one with her as well on this trip. She didn't like the idea of strangers having that kind of access to her of course, but it could've happened to her in a more common, natural way: she could've lost the journal, left it at a cafe, dropped it without noticing, gotten her luggage stolen, but no this was weirder.

That had led her right back to the less than glamorous Aldersgate office or as she had heard from her father many times over the years "Slough House". She had initially liked Louisa but she definitely held nothing in her heart but disdain towards Roddy Ho. He had been tasked with checking that her online accounts were still under her control after she had shamefully admitted that there might've been a few passwords scribbled in her journal. Gnawing at her bottom lip as she saw her internet activity being rifled through, she couldn't shake off the sense of unease she had carried since seeing the state of her hotel room. One of her close friends had her house robbed when they were in high school, nothing terrible had happened as they were all out of the house but she remembered the way she had described her inability to relax in the following month. Well jeez, what the fuck am I gonna do she thought?

'Hey'

She jumped at the sound of River approaching dropping her cigarette and stomping it.

'Did you find anything?'

'No, none of your accounts have been taken over as far as we can tell'

She nodded feeling tears well up in her eyes. River shot out his hands forward in a desperate jazz hands motion that would've made her laugh in any other circumstance 'That's a good thing though, isn't it?'

'I don't know River! Is it? Who the fuck steals a fucking journal, at least if that was what they were after I could have some fucking piece of mind!'

'She's not wrong' said Jackson Lamb whose sudden appearance had River jumping out of his skin, a silent 'Jesus' muttered and a hand dramatically placed over his chest. Lamb was halfway through getting a cigarette lighted before she knicked the packet.

'Does your father know you smoke?'

'I don't smoke' she said lighting a cigarette and pocketting the rest of the pack, she inhaled deeply before scrunching her nose 'That's disgusting' she fished the pack right back out of her back pocket 'why the fuck do you even smoke these?' she pulled a face at the packaging before handing them back.

'Oh sorry are my cigarettes not good enough for you love?'

'Fuck no, they're not' she said stomping her way back inside.

Lamb held River back as he was going to follow after her. 'Now hold on Romeo, we made a mistake underestimating them'

'What do you mean?'

'Someone was tailing you and you took them right to your apartment'

'Fuck'

'Yeah fuck, anyway you'll have to take her somewhere else in the meantime, she'll go crazy if we have her camp out in Slough House. She's definitely not going to her event tonight, it'd be too risky'

'Okay then, where?'

'Well how about you pay a visit to the old bastard?'

---

River was really praying his grandfather was having a good day. What was he supposed to introduce her as? Girlfriend was the obvious choice or rather obvious lie, if he was having a bad day surely that was a simple enough thing to grasp. Even if he was having a bad day he wasn't sure he wanted to have a lecture on how messy and out of order things were at Slough house. He would hate a stranger in his house...although she wasn't exactly a stranger? Still he was unsure he should take the risk, he'd probably try and vet her right there.

'Wait, are you loaded?'

'What?' River glanced back at her in the passenger seat.

'Oh my god you so are' she said looking around at the scenary from the window 'they could've filmed the scene where Darcy walks out into the fog right here' she said poiting ahead 'If you told me that, I'd believe you. Why did you even stop living here?'

River let out a breath 'Yeah well, you'll see when you meet him, he might be a bit intense'

---

David Cartwright seemed even more charmed by her than his grandson. After determining that he was willing to take his chances on his grandfather having a good day, River had told a half lie, or an omission of the full truth if you will. He had introduced her as who she was: the girl whom he had met in Nice ages ago. David had only vaguely remembered the incident from Rose's retelling, which had River in all sorts of theatrics 'You grounded me for a week!'

'I was bleeding!' said Mia laughing into her teacup.

'Exactly, you'd wounded the poor girl' River groaned. 'Besides if I remember correctly, when your grandmother asked you to apoligise you stole a kiss you cheeky chap' River flushed bright red at that. She only laughed. 'You went on for well over a week about your first kiss, River'

'Yes, we get it, thank you grandad' said River, he could feel heat radiating from his neck and ears. He hadn't told his grandad that Mia was only here because she had to be. But well, if he thought she was his girlfriend that wasn't really his business, he hadn't lied yet.

---

Mia slapped her armchair 'Again? Please can we play something else? Do you not have a scrabble somewhere in this posh house of yours David?'

'Scrabble? What do you take me for, chess is a much more sophisticated game Mia'

'Yes but I've lost enough times, play against River I'm done here' she said getting up and stretching. River got up from his own seat smiling softly at her as they brushed shoulders. She went into the next room.

'She's a very nice girl River'

'Yes, she is'

After a while playing lost in his head, they heard soft piano notes. Both men looked up in the direction of the music. River wordlessly got up and followed the sound into the next room. After a while her finger caught on a wrong note, then another one before she huffed and gave up entirely, hands hovering above the keyboard.

'You play very well'

She jumped a little on the chair, shuffling to get up 'Yeah no, sorry, I just' she smoothed her hands over the piano once it was closed 'it's a very nice piano, I never had a real one, well, always electric, you know'

'No but you do play very well, my grandmother had me do lessons when I was young but I was rubbish'

'I think if any of my teachers saw me play now they'd have a heart attack. That was my last exam piece, Beethoven Pastoral but um...I can't really even manage to read notes now. I just play chords, sounds nicer in bars when everyone's drunk. '

'Are you staying for dinner?' said David emerging from the living room. Mia looked up at River unsure of how to respond.

She was nervous for two reasons: she didn’t like English cars because the driver was in the wrong seat, it wasn’t even worse to experience it from the passenger seat because she always felt like she would be first in the car crash; and she could tell she was being kept in the dark about things. Maybe important things, maybe life threatening things ? Did she actually want to know what was going on precisely ? She wasn’t sure per se, still she hated this feeling of being hauled into cars and instructed, it reminded her too much of what it had felt like as a child. She wouldn’t go back to that if you payed her. Louisa had been nice enough to explain a bit to her after she had almost given her a heart attack in River’s flat. Someone had broken in her room and the police wanted her on sight to see if anything valuable had been stolen. But she could tell something was missing, she had also heard some hushed whispers from River on the phone with someone who she presumed was Jackson Lamb. She had almost wanted to call him herself but she knew he probably would’ve given her even less information. ‘’Are we almost there ? ‘´

‘´10 minutes give or take’´

‘´Right’’

´´You okay?’’

´´I mean, yes’’

´was there anything important in your room?’’

´Well the important things are in my purse so I’ve got those covered, I can’t really think of anything worth stealing’’

´´It’ll probably be fine’ he said eyes focused on the road

For some reason she couldn’t find it in her to believe him.

She had dragged him EVERYWHERE, River thought as he put the kettle on. When Lamb had given him the run down of this job he had, for once, painted it in quite a glamorous light. Babysitting a socialite, that was the kind of assignment that was discussed at length during their training days. In many pubs of London he had heard Spider retelling the same jokes and lousy scenarios that would end up with him having his way with whoever he would be in charge of.

After the morning he'd had, River was eager to disagree. The meeting with her had taken place in a high end hotel which had pissed him off enough, he didn't need to have anyone looking this intensely at his combat boots this early in the morning. Jackson Lamb had accompanied him from Slough House, shared the ride in the taxi he had to pay, much to the displeasure of his sense of smell. He though his nose would be numbed forever until they'd stepped in the lobby. Was it a flower? He didn't care if it smelled like dish soap, it smelled nice.

They'd stepped into a room on the fifth floor. There was a black handbag on the floor. A thermos with a banged up cap standing tall out of it. Keys with an outrageous amount of key chains. A David Nicholls book with a ball point pen sandwiched, the kind of book he remembered ex-girlfriends picking up at airports. Lamb had nudged him in with a low grumble. They'd sat down on a couch that was objectively way too flabby to be comfortable. He examined the table filled with room service: an avocado toast, smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, a hot chocolate.

He almost jumped up at the sound of something falling coming from deeper in the en-suite. A loud yell of 'Fuck!' soon followed. River looked at Lamb wide-eyed. He huffed out a laugh that turned into a cough.

'Are you in there?'

'Yes! Sorry Jackson, be out in a minute. I expected you to be late to be honest!' called out the voice. Jackson? River had to be hallucinating surely, nothing from her file had given him the impression that someone like her could know someone liek Jackson Lamb, he certainly wouldn't wish it upon the poor girl. A knock sounded at the door. 'Room service'. Jesus, how much did one person need for breakfast he thought.

A blur of black swung the door open, white towel on her head. 'Hi! Wonderful, thank you so much! No-no...I'll do that, that's alright. Yes, perfect hold on, wait just a second please.' He could only see the back of her figure reaching down and into the bag to pull out a wallet and produce 20 pounds from it, running to hand it to the person at the door adjusting the falling towel and calling out a last thank you for good measure before shutting the door.

She made her way back in the main room pushing a room service trolley in front of her, coffee, a few croissants and a tea pot. River stood up, Lamb didn't.

'Irish coffee was the closest thing I could think of that you might want.' She said smiling. 'Oh and there's coffee, for you, or tea...and pastries! Please.' She said directing her attention to River. Before his brain could catch up to the interaction she was towell drying her hair and sitting down.

'Close your mouth and thank the nice lady for fuck's sake' sais Lamb reaching for the cup.

'Uh, yes- Thank you, I'm-'

'River Cartwright, yes.' she hid her smile into her hot chocolate. River felt increasingly like a fish and could only find himself looking back at lamb for some kind of reassurance.

'Oh honestly you're so slow she'd probably be a better agent than you'

'Are you his daughter?' That had her spluttering and coughing for a few minutes whilst Lamb cackled.

'No-no, well I mean no offense Jackson, but no'

'None taken.'

'How?'

'My father worked under your grandfather' she said sitting back, her toe nails were painted with a shiny black. 'My father knew Jackson well enough'

'Was he one of your joes?'

'No he was a techy, one of the good ones'

'Do you know my grandfather as well then? '

'I mean, the reputation preceeds him I guess' she says shrugging 'We've met before actually'

'Have we?'

'Yes, we were quite young, I don't blame you'

River was mentally trying to make her face younger in his brain. Lamb threw a spoon at his forehead.

'This idiot wouldn't remember his phone's password'

She laughed.

---

Lamb had left them some time ago after getting her to fill the gaps of what the file had failed to mention. She was the daughter of an ex MI5 yes, but that was supposedly still kept under wraps. She'd written a piece of investigative journalism that had ruffled more than a few feathers. Her father did not share his daughter's taste for justice but with all the threats looming over her, he had decided to call in a favour. The park had already been looking of course but initially found the prospect of the people who wanted her harm compromising themselves so publically very enticing. Still, Lady Di had relented and given the assignment to Jackson.

The problem was that of course she was supposed to go through her day as planned. It was hell for River, she seemed to choose the worst possible places for surveillance work. Swarms of people and her, cruising through the aisles. Stopping to chat with the old ladies who complimented her coat. Even her street crossing was a safety hazard. Still, she was much nicer than he expected. Chatty in a way that didn't overwhelm, she allowed gaps of silence in a rythm that made sense. She had a dinner to attend tonight, that was the biggest risk although ironically, it was going to be filled with security. He was to pose as her date. It had him feeling quite shy if he was honest, if he was photographed with her he would hate it. Louisa's voice sounded in the back of his head: Maybe that'll finally help you get laid mate.

---

For lunch she had a reservation at a sushi place. She'd rambled about the omakase, he didn't really care. Something had shifted though, there was a sensible ease to the conversation now. She'd said the whole thing felt awkward and unnecessary. I don't want to be wasting taxpayer money. River had reassured her that at least she'd extracted him from a boring day.

'So where did we meet? I honestly can't remember, for the life of me'. There knees were bumping under the counter. She was graceful with her chopsticks, he was too proud to ask for a fork, especially for sushi. Every once in a while she would slap his hand pointing at the way his chopsticks crossed, bad luck she said.

'It was at a work thing, I think? I don't really know it was at a conference or something? In the South of France?'

'Oh my god, you were the girl with the cat'

She laughed, head thrown back her hand coming up in front of her mouth 'That was not my cat by the way, he was very much living in the vineyards I think'

'Oh my god that was you!'

'Do you actually remember? I'm shocked'

'Yes! I do, my grandfather was so mad.' There had been a very intense football game between the children which had ended with an unfair tackle, her shoe had slipped and a chunk of her foot had been taken out. They had been told repeatedly by lingering mothers that playing so close to gravel on an uneven terrain was a terrible idea, in her head the only tangible option had been to chuck her ballet flats under the table and play barefoot.

'I still have a scar you know?'

'Do you actually?'

'Yes' she put her chopsticks sideways on the rim of her plate, reaching down before catching herself 'Well I was going to show you but obviously' she gestured to the tiny restaurant room. 'I can show you later'

River snorted 'Christ, if I'd known it was you' he shook his head. If he had known, well he would've dressed nicer, at least. What else he would've done differently he didn't know.

'You had my file! You're a bad agent'

River contained a wince at that statement. He was, probably, definitely a bad agent, that was why he had ended up in Slough house in the first place.

'You were my first kiss I think'

She gasped and thought he looked suddenly exactly as he did then, boyish, flushed and remarkably shy.

'Oh my god! Was I?'

'Wait was I not your first kiss?'

'Um well no, I think it was... well actually no, I know it was, a boy named Reuben, beat you by what like 2-3 years?'

'That's outrageous'

---

This was how he had ended up waiting for her whilst she tried on dressed for the event. She had told him he was welcome to wait outside the room, relegated to where he should've been. But he prefered this, it also allowed him to play up the boyfriend cover act pre-emptively. There were girls looking at them, the place was too expensive for them to be trying anything that he might be worried about. He was definitely going to complain about it in the car though, she had assured him she was almost never recognised 'it's niche writing River'. He was angled away from them, scrolling on his phone when he had picked up a call from Lamb.

'Hello?'

'Where are you?'

'Uh, somewhere in Notting Hill, fitting why?'

'Good, get her back to your flat'

'My flat?'

'Are you deaf?'

'No but why?'

'Someone broke into her room, she doesn't need to know for now. Get her back to yours, find an excuse, Louisa will keep you posted.'

---

Him having to pick up his own suit for tonight was the best he could do in terms of excuse which is how she ended up on his very sad sofa. He'd left her with a cup of tea and a promise to be quick about it although he didn't know how long he needed to keep her for.

'Can I water your plants?'

'Uh, yes?'

It was weird to have her roaming freely around his space. Half as stranger half an old aquaintance. Someone banged on his door and he heard her let out a small 'Jesus' meeting him in the hallway leading to his bedroom looking at him wide eyed, silently asking him what they were to do. He reached into his jeans pulling out a gun. She slapped his chest whisper shouting 'Have you had that all day??'

'Yes, obviously' another bang sounded from the other side of his front door.

'Oh Jesus'

'It's gonna be fine, just stay here' he made his way towards the door gun raised, looked into the peep hole...

'Louisa, could you not have called' he opened the door.

You’d been stirring for a while already when he came in. If there was one thing that river always complained about it was your need to let the curtains half open when you slept. 

‘But I’m scared of the dark.’

 ‘But I’m here, just trust me alright close the fucking blind so we can sleep.’ I’ll protect you. That’s what he had meant to say. 

But he hadn’t of course, because he was a massive fuck up. And now he was coming back at the crack of dawn with his head bashed in. He was praying you’d be fast asleep and stay that way for a while so he could feel the weight of you in his arms without having you asking what had happened. River couldn’t take pity from you. He had never seen it in your eyes but he was so afraid of the day it would inevitably happen, he didn’t fancy his chances. And god he was tired. He just wanted you and sleep. 

After an express trip to the bathroom he slipped carefully under the covers. You tended to hog them when you’d fall asleep before he came home, if there was at least one good thing about slough house is was that he was usually bolting at 5 o’clock sharp and definitely in bed with you by 11:30. Not today he thought sighing. Awkwardly shuffling to nudge himself fully under the covers. 

Hearing you make a deep noise halfway between a hum and a groan he knew he’d miserably failed, and turning your head around to face him, eyes still closed and half asleep he couldn’t help the soft smile that spread across his face.

‘Hi Riv’ you said nuzzling his chest before slotting yourself against the familiar curve of his neck.

‘Hi’

‘What time is it?’

‘Fucking early, you have ages’ he’d cupped the back of her head hoping that was enticing enough to keep her from looking up at him and spotting the black eye or remnants of dried blood. Feeling her lean into his touch and pressing her lips to his chin before muttering something he knew he had succeeded for now and allowed himself to slip into a dreamless sleep.

…

The first thing river saw when he woke up was her furrowed brows, fingers hovering above his face in the way that she usually traces his features in the morning. He slowly blinked his eyes open.

‘River’

‘Good morning ‘

´What happened ?’ She’d said it with a slight pout which made him want to kiss her, he settled for one on her nose.

‘Uh- got beat up’

She sighed ‘it looks bad-‘

‘Aw thanks darling ‘

‘Did you see a doctor ?’

‘…No’

‘Do you think you need one?’

´No,honestly. I’m fine’

She was looking at him so intently he couldn’t help almost shying away from it. Maybe this is when the pity-

‘Baby’ he laughed. Like he had the first time she’d called him that. She always said it so softly it still caught him off guard.

´I’m going to have to fight them if they keep doing that to your pretty face’ 

´Yeah?’

‘I would 100% fight them for you, you know that? Right?’ 

River pictured her in front of nick Duffy and shuddered at the mental image. ´I wouldn’t let you I don’t think’

´Start guarding your face better then’

River had not wanted to come. If he was honest he was more than happy staying in on New Year's Eve. Sure he was still debating on whether or not he should indulge in a very sad pint at that dodgy pub round the corner from his own apartment, but an entire party? That had been entirely out of the question in his mind. But of course, the Old Bastard had decided to stick his nose in his grandson's life claiming that is his professional life was at a standstill for the forseeable future he should at least salvage his personnal life; that was in his mind maybe the only benefit of Slough House. River should lock down a nice girl whilst he still had the free time to dedicate himself to her, and then, when things picked themselves back up he would have a nice, understanding wife to come home to from the Park.

River had half a mind to remind his grandfather of how long it had been since he first got to Slough House (too long) and the difference between the reality of things and how long his Grandfather had assured him he would stay there for (the six months had come and gone in the blink of an eye even though they had been painstakingly boring to get through all the same). This was bound to be what the rest of his life looked like. How fucking depressing. Louisa texting him that he really needed to get laid before he got too pissy with everyone was the last straw for his ego. Going to a New Year's Eve party? Of course he could do that IF he wanted to? (Getting an invite was definitely wasn't a problem? He was River fucking Cartwright like?)

His salvation came from an old whatssap groupchat he forgot he ever was in in the first place (the people in said groupchat probably forgot he was there, if he was honest he was surprised nobody had removed him sooner), it wasn't really his crowd anymore; those friends had been exclusively confined to the part of his life from the end of his uni days up til early stages of recruitment. He was sure the Stanstead fiasco had reached more ears than he cared to admit and was probably to blame just as much for the loss of contact as other general factors of life were.

He scrolled through the profiles. Of course fucking Spider had to be there, hopefully he woudln't show, surely HE had somewhere else to be. There were school friends who were engaged now, he could see their significant others alonside them on their profile pictures. His thumb over one contact. Her. It was a wonder she'd never changed her phone number. River had religiously resaved in after many lost and deactivated phones though he had not called her up in maybe a decade. Had she dyed her hair? He let out a little breath, he remembered any conversations on her hair.

For a while when they were tounger she would make a point of cutting it at least once a month. There had been a multituge of bobs, micro bangs, wolf cuts, one perticularly short style (which River had unwillingly participated in being the only one of her friends with an electric razor at the time) which had David Cartwright's eyebrows going back up deep into his hairline as she had confidently made her way dowstrairs for breakfast the following day. She had somewhat stopped in university and everyone complimented her long dark curls. She always made a point of telling them that she'd had it short most of her life, and people would always be quick to say they couldn't imagine her that way. River could only ever really imagine her that way, in his mind any image he conjured of her had shorter hair.

After a while she had mentionned cutting it again but never went through with it. There had been mentions of dyeing it bubblegum pink or blonde over tea and he had always said the same thing "I can't imagine you as a blonde". Should he send her a message? Offer to see her before the actual function? Coffee or a drink? Surely he could do that? After the way things had ended between them, he wasn't so confident. It was entirely his fault of course, River knew that. There had been one too many times of him coming to their shared appartment battered and bruised (sometimes even bloodied) and hiding out in the bathroom hoping she wouldn't see it, as if it didn't make things even worse. He just didn't want her to see him like that. He wanted to protect her from anything that he was doing, they were his choices not hers. She had let it go for a while, letting him know she would be there for him when he was ready. Turns out he really wasn't. It had ended in a screaming match, and because he had to get the last word he'd told her she wasn't his girlfriend or mother so he really didn't owe her any type of explanation.

She had left shortly after that, what hurt even worse was that it was his own grandfather that handed her the rest of her stuff back. She was so embedded in his life, of course, he should've expected it. Even now, some post cards at the Old Bastard's house would appear out of thin air and he knew if he turned them around he would be met with her neat handwriting, half print half cursive, which is why he never did. He did however regularly stalk her linkedin, she still had brown hair on her profile though.

...

When he arrived he could sense that most of them HAD actually forgotten he was in that group chat. The awkward chuckles and claps on the back were enough of an indicator. Thankfully because most of them were Oxbridge students even if they wanted to vomit in his face they wouldn't be too obvious aboout it and the jabs would be easy enough to shrug off. Besides, he couldn' t see any blonde haid of hair that resembled spider's that was enough of a win in his book.

He found himself chatting for a while with a bloke named William. River was pretty sure they had been on the same sports' team at some point but couldn't recall for the life of him what it was. Nevertheless he slipped into mindless small talk fairly easily. When enough time had passed both of them felt compelled to use the excuse of a drink to split up since they really had exhausted any and all subjects they could conjure up.

That was when he saw her again. If her back had been to him he wouldn't have known but she was directly in his line of sight has he made his way into the kitchen. She was sat on the counter a glass of something fizzy and pink in hand, head thrown back in laughter with two other girls he had no recollection of.

'Alright ladies?' William said slipping his hand around the waist of a redhead.

'Worse now that you're here, Willy. Poor Caitlin here doesn't know she picked the worst one yet because you haven't introduced anyone to her' She said snorting.

William let out a slow succession of HA-HAs before turning back to look at River. 'Look who I found.' As all the eyes fell on him River was sure this was a bad idea. He raised one hand in a sort of half assed greeting as silence overtook the room. Maybe if you said something mean enough to him he could justify leaving right this second. Surprisingly you didn't instead a soft smile took over your features and you got down from the counter to kiss his cheek 'How are you River? Been a while hasn't it.' Before you introduced him to Caitlin and Kristina as he learned. Either you were very drunk, or at least much more than you appeared or this was a dream. Scratch that actually his dreams were never this self indulgent.

...

Your little group had left the kitchen after a while much to River's dismay. His mind was going a hundred miles an hour because he simply couldn't make sense of how you were acting. Calling him Riv, brushing against him leaning down to retriever things from the table he was stood in front of. Not that he wasn't happy at the way things were going but he couldn't comprehend it, not only had he expected you to be a little on edge, he knew he deserved it.

Katrina, a friend of William's girlfriend, who could not hold her liquor had asked if River was seeing anyone. She had replied for him a short no.

'How do you know?' River had asked intrigued as the group dispersed and he was left somewhat alone with her.

'How do I know what?' she said tilting her head.

'That I'm not seeing anyone.'

'Well are you?'

'Well...no'

'Voilà.' she said hiding her smirk in the last of her drink.

'I could be'

'Please River, if you were I would pity the girl, you're not very good at stalking people's instagram. You like stuff accidentaly and click on the wrong story highlights, sloppy tradecraft, really.'

He flushed thinking of a comeback but finding nothing.

'I'd offer to show you the story highlights' trick but you know, your profile's private so.' she shrugged taking a sip from his drink.

'So you've been doing it too?' he said a small smile tugging at his lips.

'Well no, I dont' follow you, so, not much to look at you know.'

'You haven't done much either lately, or I haven't looked at yours in a while'

'I removed you from my followers Riv'

'Oh'

'Yup'

'I- why? I mean-'

'You know, your grandfather always made me believe spooks had to be the smartest but good god, you're pretty daft'

'Wait? My grandfather told you what I do for work?'

'River, if you think I had to be told...' she scoffed crossing her arms 'I mean you must think I'm fucking stupid'.

'But- If you knew...then, why-why did we even...fight in the first place back then?'

She let out a dry laugh and he could tell from the clench of her jaw and the slow breath she drew that she was tring to school her features in something semi-neutral 'Riv, I never would've forced you tell me anything, I mean this was your dream since we were kids. I would never- I wouldn't jeopardise that for you. Of course not, I just wish...you'd maybe, ugh, i don't know trusted me more with it? I just wanted to be there for you, you know?'

'So you knew?'

'Of course I fucking knew? The fuck River"

'I thought- I didn't want you to know in case something happened-'

She rolled her eyes 'Honestly River, it doesn't matter now. As you so aptly pointed out then...I'm not...your-anything, so really you don't have to justify anything to me'

'Uh- Yeah I do, I was a-'

'Selfish prick?'

'Sodding arsehole '

'That works too'

'I just, really wished...I'd fixed things with you.'

'River...honestly it's fine. We were practically kids then, it just...doesn't matter okay? It's fine. Don't turn yourself into a fucking martyr over it, I'm sure you have other, better reasons'

He shook his head, exhaling.

'Like Stanstead' she said grinning and booping his nose.

His entire body recoiled at the mention of it.

'How the fuck do you that?'

'Your bestest friend, James Webb'

'It was his fucking fault you know!'

'Was it now?'

'Why would you listen to anything that prick says anyway?'

'Well we weren't exactly talking so I got his side of the story'

'It was entirely his fault!'

'Okay Riv' she said raising her hands in surrender.

He groaned dragging both hands down his face 'Fucking Spider'

She had an expression he couldn't quite place on her face. He looked at her peeking still behind his hands.

'I think- I missed you, River'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah, more than I care to admit really'

'Yeah, me too. I-uh. I like your hair.' He said poiting to it weirdly slowly, sort of as if he was about to reach out for a strand before he thought better.

'No you don't River'

'Yeah I do'

You had been taken. Too good you. You who his grandfather liked both when he knew who you were and when he had absolutely no clue. You who had stayed up til 3 the night before the slough house Christmas drinks because you wanted to make everyone a Christmas card (because of course you painted well), even pestering him to tell them about their interest and personalities to cater it to them. You who said you actually liked Jackson lamb and probably meant it. Perfect you, who was endlessly too good especially for a fuck up like him, had been taken. His grandfather had always talked about the stakes of the job and what it could cost him and River thought he knew it always in the back of his mind. But he had never felt this sheer amount of colliding emotions. Fear, anger, pain and also an overwhelming amount of love for you which had nowhere to go given you were presently very much missing. He thought now he ought to be nicer to his grandfather because the old bastard had lasted years without Rose and right now, as it neared a full 24 hours since you had disappeared River already felt he was going crazy.

You had been waiting for him when it had happened. That much he knew for sure. Because when he arrived in front of the trendy little sushi place you’d wanted to try you weren’t there. You were almost never late. Or you were but only when you were going with him. When you were alone you liked to have a crisp 15 minutes early and on the off chance something with the tube was happening there’d be multiple texts sitting on his phone to let him know what was happening. But not today. He should’ve known something was wrong right then and there, he almost felt guilty he hadn’t had more of a reaction. How much time had he spend scrolling mindlessly on his phone leaning on a wall like an asshole while god knows what was happening to you? He’d only sent one pathetic text ‘I’m here. You okay ?’ He hadn’t even added a little ‘xx’ which he had started doing after you’d admitted one night that you found him a dry texter.