A gift for @possumdnp for the Summer ‘22 @phandomgiftexchange
I really hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it <3
Summary: 5 times Dan and Phil found the right words and 1 time they didn’t have to
Beta by @phinalphantasy7 (thank you so much for everything! You were actually my first beta and I was nervous but you were super nice and direct and genuinely helpful xx)
***Autumn 2009 —Train to Manchester***
Dan looked out the window at the moving landscape beside him. His headphones were in so that nobody would talk to him, but there was no music playing. He had too many thoughts in his head to let lyrics in as well. How could it be that he’d never actually been close enough to Phil to speak to him without an internet connection but his palms still itched, wanting to reach out and grab his hand, almost as if the muscle memory was already there.
He looked at the time on his phone and messaged Phil once again: “nearly there, maybe 5 minutes”.
Dan began to worry, what if the whole time none of this had been real and nobody would meet him on that platform?
Less than a minute passed before he got a response: “I’ll be waiting XD”.
Dan felt his stomach twinge and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling despite the nerves.
The two boys were back at Phil’s. After the adrenaline had worn off from their initial meeting (a rush of limbs and hair and giggles colliding), the air had settled into a quiet comfort around them. Dan stared at Phil while he detailed his plans for their visit. His brown eyes kept flicking down to Phil’s hand, posed perfectly on the cushion between them, practically asking to be held. Taking a secret deep breath Dan reached out and interlocked their fingers.
Phil stopped talking for a fraction of a second before squeezing Dan’s hand and continuing. It was just as Dan had pictured, except a little more sweaty, and actually this angle wasn’t very comfortable, and oh god maybe their hands just didn’t fit together the right way. Dan quickly pulled his hand back to his lap and looked away. This time Phil did stop the conversation.
“I’m fine,” Dan mumbled, still refusing to meet Phil’s bright eyes.
Phil pulled his knees to his chest and gave Dan some space. “Okay.. well, you know you can talk to me, right?”
Phil tried again. “You tell me everything on Skype. It’s no different now.” And then after a moment, “We don’t have to hold hands if you don’t want.”
Dan looked up then. Holding hands was the only thing he’s wanted for weeks now.
Phil smiled, relieved. “Then tell me. Kind of hard to have a relationship if you don’t talk to me.”
Dan blushed at the direct ambiguity of the word relationship in this context. His stomach twinged again and he let it push him into boldness.
“Sorry, I just.. It’s stupid but I thought when I held your hand it would feel so natural and perfect and like we were, I don’t know, meant to be together or something. I know that’s bullshit. Especially since it’s actually really sweaty and uncomfortable.”
Phil giggled and Dan shoved him. “Don’t laugh, I told you it was stupid.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid, Dan. I think it’s adorable. Come here.”
Phil moved across the couch to sit right next to Dan. He took the younger boy’s hand and this time, intertwined their arms as well, upper bodies pressed against each other.
“There, how’s that feel?”
Dan, bright red now and whole body filled with butterflies, sank into the touch and buried his head into Phil’s shoulder.
“See?” Phil said, softer now. “We are meant to be together, we just needed to be a bit closer.”
Dan barely breathed his response, scared to break the moment apart even with his own voice. “I want to be close to you always.”
“Me too. You have to talk to me though. Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.. Or at least hold you.”
***Summer 2011— the Manchester apartment***
Dan walked into the kitchen to find Phil, unsurprisingly, with his hand in a cereal box.
Phil jumped, caught in the act.
“You mean to tell me that I’ve been unloading our last box of stuff into the living room and you’ve just been in here eating?”
Dan let a smile spread across his face. “Yup, the very last one. We are officially moved in.”
Phil set his snack on the counter and reached out to double high-five Dan.
“You know what this means?” Phil asked.
“That we are solely responsible for all of our bills and food and there is no going back now?”
Phil laughed. “I was going to say we can play all the video games we want and no one can judge us, but that too I guess.”
Dan’s laugh was a bit more strained. “Oh yeah, that too.”
Phil rolled his eyes. “Stop panicking, Dan. This is a good thing!”
“I’m not panicking! I’m excited!”
Phil just gave him a look.
“Okay, maybe I’m panicking. But I’m also excited, okay. I contain multitudes.”
“Excited-Panic? Exci-dic?”
Dan laughed hard. “We can NOT call it that!”
“That sounds like a disease.”
“Well it’s the best we got. How do we fix being panicited?”
Phil grinned. “I’ll grab the controllers.”
***Spring 2015 — Japan***
Phil’s heart was racing. In theory everything was planned out, but he knew a million things could go wrong. What if the cherry blossoms weren’t blooming exactly right? What if a fan recognized them and ruined the moment? What if all the words he had so carefully planned weren’t enough and Dan was even more overwhelmed than he was and this would never work? What if giant robot aliens came down from the sky and started shooting laser beams at everyone???
Dan laughed, bringing Phil from his thought spiral.
“You okay mate? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
Dan said this jokingly, but Phil could hear the worry behind it. He opened his mouth to explain, but was stopped in his tracks as they rounded the corner by the sight of cherry blossoms. He grabbed Dan’s hand and ran forward into the sea of pink petals.
Dan followed in awe. “They’re even more beautiful in person.”
The wind blew and petals fell from the trees all around them. Phil watched as Dan’s eyes lit up and suddenly none of his planned words mattered. He only needed two.
Dan’s eyes met Phil’s and held his gaze for a moment without answering.
Imagined responses flooded Phil’s brain: ‘What, now?’ or ‘But the institution of marriage is an inherently flawed system’ or ‘Hah, how much did you drink at that karaoke bar?’
But Dan didn’t say any of that. Instead his soft brown eyes became glossy with tears yet to make their way to his cheeks.
“Are you going to answer?” Phil asked timidly.
Dan shushed him. “This moment is all I’ve ever wanted. Let me enjoy it.”
“Is that a yes?” Phil laughed, though he was still a bit irrationally nervous.
Dan couldn’t contain himself any longer. He reached out and pulled his fiancé into a bone-crushing hug.
***Winter 2017 — London Press Junket for Interactive Introverts***
“Can the two of you tell us a bit more about what makes this show so special?”
The reporter spoke politely enough, but the question took Dan aback. What makes it special? Of course there were the normal answers she was looking for, the answers Phil was thankfully giving her without missing a beat: a chance to meet the fans, comedy and musical spectacular, book signing, unique merchandise, etc. But the truth was it was so much more meaningful than that.
Dan spoke suddenly, possibly interrupting Phil in the process, he wasn’t sure.
“It makes it all real. This whole world that me and Phil and the subscribers have created together is a real and tangible thing. This show is proof that we didn’t just make it up, the people out there aren’t just screen names, and the first tour we did wasn’t a fluke. We are a whole-ass community out here creating together and nobody can take that from us.”
Dan looked over to Phil for reassurance and saw that he was smiling back.
Good, Phil said with his eyes, that was good. I’m proud of you.
Dan exhaled and continued the interview. Just a few more hours to go.
***Summer 2019 — London apartment***
Phil jumped up from the couch. He could tell from Dan’s voice that something was wrong, and today was the day after all. Running into Dan’s bedroom, Phil was met with Dan’s eyes the widest they had ever been. Dan was about 0.3 seconds from hyperventilating.
Phil rushed to his side. “What is it? Dan, talk to me.”
“You what?!” Phil jumped back. “We were supposed to do it together, for moral support!”
“I know, but I was scared I wouldn’t do it and you always enable me to wait until it feels right and what if it never feels right??”
“You published a coming out video without waiting until it felt right??”
“You aren’t helping, Phil!”
Phil finally recognized the hysteria in both of their voices and began to laugh at how ridiculous they were being.
Phil smiled and pulled Dan close. “It’s okay, love, it’s going to be okay.”
Immediately Dan’s breathing began to even out, but his body was still tense. Phil ran his fingers through his partner’s curly hair.
“Talk to me Dan, what are you feeling?”
“I think I’ve talked about my feelings enough for one month, don’t you think?”
Phil chuckled. “I suppose so. Then tell me what you need.”
Dan thought for a moment, snuggling closer into Phil, then suddenly sat up and raised a mischievous eyebrow. “A distraction.”
Dan leaned in and kissed Phil roughly. Phil’s stomach filled with butterflies even still, but he pulled away, gently holding Dan at arm’s length.
“Okay, but I just want to tell you how proud I am of you. And I know everybody is going to be supportive, but even if they weren’t I would still love you. And I know that would be enough because when you love me it’s enough.”
Dan stopped what he was doing to roll his eyes. “Only you could be so annoying and endearing at the same time.”
Dan’s face softened. “No, you’re perfect, that was perfect, thank you. Now kiss me back, damn it!”
“Yes sir,” Phil responded cheekily and pulled Dan’s lips back to his own.
***Winter 2022 — home-owning homosexuals***
“Really, Phil? Another slice? We’ve only just said goodbye to your family and you’ve already gone back for another?”
“Hey! It’s my birthday! I’ll eat the whole thing if I want.”
Dan laughed. “Alright, go on then. Don’t let me stop you.”
Phil gladly took another bite as Dan served himself a slice as well. They munched in quiet for a couple moments until Phil suddenly felt something cold splat across his face. Dan had flung a glob of icing at him and was now doubled over laughing. Phil did not take time to think things through. Instead he grabbed a fistfull of cake directly from the tray and threw it at Dan. Chaos had officially erupted. The entire fight was a blur, and lasted not nearly as long as it seemed. Within seconds the entire cake was spread across the kitchen and both of the men who were now slumped over on the floor against the cabinets, catching their breath.
They glanced over at each other and made eye contact just as they both happened to be licking icing off their own faces. This discovery sent them into another fit of giggles.
Eventually Dan made his way over to Phil. He wanted to tell him how proud he was of everything Phil had accomplished, and how much it meant to him to be sitting on the floor of their forever home with the man of his dreams, and how improbable it was that they would even find each other in the first place, and how even though he absolutely didn’t believe in the supernatural, Phil gave him proof, not just evidence, but proof that soulmates really do exist and how unfair it was that he, a person who never wanted to believe in soulmates, had actually found his and so early in life at that, but just because it was unfair didn’t mean he would trade it for the world and oh look, now it’s Phil’s birthday and Dan’s making it all about himself again but Phil doesn’t mind and he knows that because they know absolutely everything about each other. In fact, Phil knew all of that already, because he felt much the same and because Dan had said it to him a million times before.
So instead, still sitting on the kitchen floor, Dan leaned over against Phil and held his hand. Even through the stickiness of the icing and the soreness of their limbs, their hands fit together with ease, like muscle memory.
