philosophy of power

29/03/2020

It's hard to keep track of the days in quarantine. Everyday is an open canvas.. and yet not every day results in productivity. I'm glad for the extra time to study and to prepare myself for the semester but at the same time I wonder of we should take such a obsession to fulfill every single minute of the day. Here, in my country, there's this new tendency of taking online classes, of working out, of doing yoga and learning a new language due to the social isolation situation... is this healthy? I really don't know.

The first two days of isolation were terrible. I felt awful (as you can see from my last post). I couldn't read, write or study at all. I was very anxious and nervous. So, after all that misery I started working out at home and it helped a lot.. it changed everything. After that I had the best week of the year, no doubt there. I studied like I haven't done in a very, very long time. Tomorrow I intend to talk more about how I'm studying for the time being.

17.03.2020

I had such a bad day... it's funny to say that after my last post. After those wonderful news I should be happy and glad for at least a reasonable amount of time. Sadly yesterday I received bad news too. And while I'm happy I'm now able to carry on with my research things will get a little complicated. I sincerely don't now how I'm going to deal with it. I'll write about it in another time, when it's no longer that painful...

Today I woke up early. I really wanted to go to my favorite library... my safe place. But when I got there I found out it was closed due to quarantine measures. So I went to another library because staying home wasn't a option. I stayed there for some time (very briefly) but was unable to focus on anything. I barely read fifteen pages before I left. I had lunch. I played a little bit of Age of Mythology and then I went home.

14.03.2020

It has been so long since I wrote here... but I believe it's time to come back. First I must say I got what I wanted. And I got it almost perfectly. I won the first place. I made four exams to get in into my PhD program and my grades were 90, 98, 100 and 95. It was nice, very nice but also completely unexpected because (it pains me a little bit to say that) I have almost zero confidence in my own work. So I'm really glad the way things turned out to be. It helped me to improved my confidence. It helped me to get rid of this impostor syndrome which has been my companion for a very long time.

After the results I took a long turn vacation (almost three months) and now I'm back at a study routine. No surprises there: this week was very hard. After such a long break I'm really struggling to focus. Sometimes it seems I lost my discipline for good. In fact I got so desperate this week I almost cried and that is to say something because crying isn't something easy for me. I haven't felt this lost in quite some time. So today I woke up very late as it has been (I must say that my inability to woke up early its bugging me to my core) but determined to do something. I went to gym after almost one hour of procrastination and when I got there I started to make excuses to leave as soon as possible. Then I realized that what I need right now is a change of attitude. Since I'm unable to motivate myself I'll have to rely on discipline alone. Since I don't have any inspiration at the moment I'll have to deal solely with transpiration. That's that. And, for the first time in weeks I worked hard. At the gym and after that at home.

21.07.2019

11.07.2019