ジューン

The red camera light recording you up close for the big screen. The decorated lightstick at the middle of stage right. What Da-yeons face looked like when you faced each other in the choreography. The chords organized across the stage behind the lights.

This stage was so important to you, there was no way you'd let it escape.

As the group finished song after song, your smile strained. You were so focused committing this to memory, you weren't really enjoying it. In the middle of a main stage, the thought made you pause. Not completely, but it interrupted your focus.

At some point in the same song, you decided to let go and just enjoyed it.

Slowly, the routines and lyrics flowed from you automatically and you just smiled. Lights flashed, the crowd screamed. There was no need to stress yourself right now.

Weeks before this performance your contract manager had pulled Mashiro, Yeseo and you aside to discuss your next steps moving forward. All three of you had contracts pulling you back to your old companies, which meant you’d return to them once Kep1er’s temporary contracts are over. Your trainee contract was still under HYBE, and even though you wouldn’t be in any new lineup, they wanted you back ASAP.

You cried a lot that week, now that you think about it.

The ending ment. for Day 2 of the Kep1going Japan Concert Tour didn't leave any survivors. Two and half years went by so quickly, it felt like you didn’t enjoy it long enough. You were so young, and as proud as you were of everything you've done, you couldn’t accept this as the end.

Only 4 years ago did you start training, passing an online audition from what you believe was pure dumb luck. 2 years ago you were the youngest competitor on Girls Planet 999, and now… here you are on your last day.

Everything you’ve ever strived for has led you here. While the other 7 renewed their contracts, this was the end of your journey with Kep1er.

“Honestly, It still feels surreal,” you spoke, reciting your speech and facing your members.

“I never imagined I would actually debut, but now I couldn't imagine doing it without you.”

All the girls were smiling with tears in their eyes. Immediately, whatever talk you had prepared was replaced by words from the heart.

“One thing we've always done together is celebrate. Even now, when it feels like my heart is blacking out, we're all smiling like we've won. That’s just like us, right?” your voice shook, and yet you managed a grin.

This scene has played out more times than fans realized. When schedules were grueling, promotions were dragging on, or self doubt got too overwhelming, there would be nights the team would support each other with the brightest smile through their tears.

Vividly, you can remember countless days when emotions got the best of someone, and everyone was there to cheer each other up.

It’s… one of your favorite things about Kep1er.

“I have so many good memories, really great memories! I’ll never forget them.” you continued, while Yeseo leaned over to hug your shoulder. Chaehyun walked over to hug you as well.

“I met you all when I was 13. I'm so lucky that I've gotten to grow with you since then. I never thought I’d make it this far, and I’m so lucky that it was with all of you. we are the best~!” you tried to sing the last word but your voice shook with emotion.

You almost broke then, really comprehending the complications of the situation. This was supposed to be a happy moment, the last hurrah before you cry backstage on the way home… wherever that would be now.

The thought makes you hug Chaehyun tighter. Hikaru picks up after you quickly,

“We’re the best when we’re together. We’ll keep cheering for each other, right?”

Everyone agrees immediately.

“Of course,“ Hiyyih and Youngeun said in sync.

“Always,” Xiaoting laughs as an echo.

You sniffle, catching your breath enough to speak again.

“Then we'll always be Kep1er. I'll always be smiling when I think of us. How we celebrated before we cried. Let's make that a promise, okay?”

your words echo only for a moment before the audience cheers. Your members cheer as well, calling out their own promises. The night would end with a heavy heart, but the weight was lessened after that moment.

As the confetti fell and lights shone for the final bow you decided that above everything else;

this is the moment to engrave in memory.

Promising yourself never to forget what these girls have given you.

Promising to keep smiling even when it’s hard.

Even when it’s the last backstage cleanup.

Even when it’s your last ride to the dorms with your members.

Oh goodness, the ride home. It filled you with equal parts hope as it did doubt.

The drive back wasn’t silent, but it wasn’t loud. You and many other members were still crying. Most of the conversation was either a good memory or a plan to stay in touch.

The best plan was simple; keep the group chat with all ten of you, that way everyone can update each other on promotion schedules and free time. It was a good plan, and you were already making sure you had everyone's contact saved and downloaded to your phone.

It was disclosed in your contract meeting that Mashiro and Yeseo would redebut in an already active girl group, MADEIN. Which made all the others encourage you to redebut as well.

“Who knows, maybe we can promote around the same time!” Da-yeon had said optimistically, which rubbed off on you.

“You'll be even better next time since you've performed with us,” Yujin joked, but it still gave you hope.

The doubt came from the fact you already knew that there wasn't a project waiting for you. You wanted to believe that it could happen again, that you could beat the odds once more, but there's no guarantee that HYBE would debut the same trainee twice.

“I’ll try my best, I’ll tell you everything I’m allowed to” you spoke softly back, face damp yet fearlessly confident. Another promise added to the pile.

You’ll keep it though. Above all else.

These girls were basically your older sisters now, it was your job to annoy them.

Just as long as it was an option to.

On the day Mashiro and Yeseo left, the dorm felt heavy.

You had helped them pack the night before, probably distracting more than helping, but it doesn’t matter. It made the morning less stressful. A bit less rushed but still complicated.

Not everyone was awake enough to decently wait outside, so some goodbyes were at the door. Yours was, and it wasn't by choice.

As much as you knew they were leaving, you really didn’t want this to be the end.

It felt too real to say goodbye like this.

It felt too easy to end it when getting here took everything you had.

You still stood at the door, crying once again at the reality of this goodbye. It would be awhile before you would all meet again as one, and that’s minus the hope of being idols again.

As if reading your thoughts, Mashiro hugs you once more.

She wraps her arms around your shoulders tightly and then speaks to you.

“This isn’t good bye, okay? We’re still friends. We’ll keep talking and hanging out even when we don’t share a stage.” she assures you. She pulls back to see your face, and Yeseo jumps to hug you instead.

“And when you debut again we can see each other at music shows!” she exclaims, holding you tight.

You couldn’t hold back the giggle. You two were the closest in age, sharing everything under the sun like twins. Both sharing experiencing something for the first time for a lot of things.

“I’m not going to be in any lineup, but I'll be watching all of your live performances” you nod, wiping your face as she hugs you again.

It was another bittersweet goodbye, because you couldn’t share the extra time outside with them. It would’ve only been a few minutes, but you had to pack up soon as well.

You took longer to pack than those two. Staring into space intermittently and then packing a few things. You remember getting lost in reality, wondering what it would be like to be a trainee again.

Thankfully the rest of the girls finished packing for you.

“This feels like we're kicking you out,” Xiaoting had joked bitterly, obviously not liking the process either. Unfortunately it couldn't have been a slower or sweeter moment, the company wouldn't be happy if you were late.

Your own farewell was blurry, against all other memories.

Hugs and promises and solemn waves all mushed together. The one thing you do remember, however, and will take with you wherever you go is Youngeun telling you that

“it gets easier when you approach it with a smile, and you look best when you’re smiling.”

You thought about it the whole ride to the HYBE building.