Mr. Inference Fanclub

but unfortunately i think as a part of the self i dont really "ruminate" in the traditional sense as the other guy, i've kind of just been Doing Things. like is still crap but an escape from all of it is just barely within my grasp i think. i hope the job im looking at gets back to me soon, i'm ready to start my own life.

and it resonates especially because, yeah, i feel this. that deep desire to connect with someone, to be a "whole" with them, to not know where they end and you begin. but the looming question is always: how do you not completely lose yourself in that? how do you be your own person? but the goal of codependency isn't to help you flourish as an individual it's to give you stability under the guise of being a part of a collective. to belong somewhere, with someone, even if it hurts.

and i think this reasoning is honestly why fps end up being so personal to me and why, in hindsight, it feels so. ehhh. about people either mocking me for my attatchments or banking on my obsession to keep things going, even when i try to communicate that yeah obsession is good but bpd also makes me prone to lashing out when upset.

Like yes, the average person will think that these things are bad and weird, and that might make you think that the entire world cares about people who are victims of these abuses, but that's just not the case. Especially when you take into account how especially incest was a hallmark sign of European monarchy (and iirc other monarchies across the globe) to keep up 'bloodline purity', and pedophilia has always been used to groom young girls into being broodmares for older men, because they'd be too young to know anything outside of pleasing their husbands.

Same thing with rape/sexual assault. The way rapists and other abusers are protected by society and the victims are shamed and harassed for even daring to speak up about what they've gone through kind of pulls back the curtain and reveals the "taboo" these people are talking about isn't really a taboo to the benefit of survivors and victims, it protects the perpetrators of these abuses by making it so bringing up these topics by name alone is cause for scorn.