Pet Profiles

Everyone, this is Tom. Tom, everyone. 

Tom is a Pisces. Big shocker. He’s listened to the Hamilton soundtrack 115 times and is perpetually on the ticket lottery, despite being nowhere near Manhattan. Tom’s weird. We like Tom. 

This is Alice. Alice is confused because the website guarantees they can remove pet stains, yet the first words out of the rude and dismissive consultant’s mouth were “We don’t guarantee pet stains. I don’t know what to tell you.” 

Happy Birthday, Pete! Pete is a Shingleback Skink native to Australia. He’s heavily armored, can be described as ‘sleepy’, he mates for life, and he in no way reminds me of anyone I know.  

Say hello, Clarice! 

Clarice is a Chevrotain. (Yes, they’re real animals.) The tiniest hoofed beast in all the land, Clarice is comfortable going it alone. She has her Halloween costume picked out already. 

Likes: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Seedless grapes, Swimming to avoid predators

Everybody say “Hi!” to Richard. He’s a big deal.  

Richard’s having a great week. He found a dye he likes (tried it out on his paws and face first, can’t say I blame him), his daughter Kaley’s doing well in Bear School, and he’s enjoying his favorite hobby: chasing nature photographers up trees.

Everybody, say hi to Rhoda. Rhoda, everybody. 

Rhoda’s morning almost got off on the wrong foot (no funny word for alligator feet, sorry), but then she realized she didn’t have time for that nonsense. So she called some friends over for an impromptu power breakfast and now Rhoda feels *pretty*. Some days that can really help.  

This is Mabel, single mom and wildlife conservationist. Her cubs have reached that terrible stage where they’ve completely forgotten how to share anything. Every conversation turns into a shouting match if not full-blown tug-of-war. 

This is Lois. Single mom, office manager down at the plant. She’s been a bit down lately, thinking that she hasn’t left much of an impact. Then she got to work and saw her coworkers remembered her birthday! Way to go, Lois!

Likes: Climbing, Flowers, Fresh Air, when Jason turns in his time card on time

Sirs and Gentlemen, please say “Hello!” to Bettina the Pink Fairy Armadillo. She’s been single for four months now and is frankly looking to find someone quick. (A shorter lifespan will do that for you.) 

She likes the night life, she likes to boogie. (She’s nocturnal.)

Likes: Ants, Larvae, the new season of CLAWS 

Say “Hello!” to Jake the Jerboa. He lives very much in the moment.

Jake is looking for a nice lady-rodent to spend time with, fleeing from predators and maxing out on Leg Day. (He’s a six-time Hopscotch Champion and has not been de-throned.) 

Likes: Jumping, Bounding, Leapfrogging, you get the idea

My dudes, meet Avery. He is an upstanding Good Boy who is currently between boyfriends. His last relationship ended when his fella had to re-locate for work. To Scotland. 

He’s big into fitness, enjoys chasing ladybugs and going to the opera. (He does not sing along, he is a Good Boy.) 

Ladies, meet Dean. Dean slipped on an icy patch and successfully sued the iceberg for emotional damages. This clumsy penguin was awarded $1.8 million dollars. (No, I can’t believe it either.) 

Dean is looking for someone with a good head on their lack-of-shoulders. He’s hopeless with money, and if he’s not careful he’s gonna wind up living in his mom’s basement (again). 

Say hello to Bruce! He’s big into cosplay! (His favorite color is grey.) 

Ladies, this is Derek. He’s been in a bad way since Lois dumped him, but he’s never strayed from his first love: fruit as big as his head. 

Everybody, this is Gilda. Gilda, Everybody.

Gilda’s a stress eater. She eats when she’s stressed. Poor Gilda has a LOT to be stressed about. 

Meet Arlene. She’s in a bit of a tight spot.

Fact is, this is a pretty terrible time to be a mouse. Like god awful bad. 

Cats aren’t all bad. Some cats are even quite nice. Still.