Petit Spaghetti

had to log off for the summer... survived, didn't gain much but the body dysmorphia is Crazy. i feel so ugly, unpleasant, distorted. every sec outside is horror. leaving home for groceries takes hours. i can only wear my safe pyjamas... i Need to regain the feeling of being delicate and graceful and in control. i don't see any alternative ways to stay alive so let's play again

10 7 25 300 ⋆ rye, lingonberries and almond milk + oat milk for coffee (could have chosen black) 180 ⋆ rhubarb kissel (rhubarb, sugar, potato starch, cinnamon, vanilla) + almond milk 40 ⋆ tomatoes 420 ⋆ red rice, kohlrabi, tuna with lime jalapeño and soy sauce, natto with soy sauce and mustard, kimchi and seaweed 250 ⋆ cookies 200 ⋆ rhubarb kissel = 1390 i'm so disappointed in myself. that's all

three 1000+ days in a row, flushing down weeks of work. why do i lose my mind around people? i'm always focused and successful when i'm alone.. a big-big fast coming soon

9 7 25 70 ⋆ oat milk for iced coffee (..could have chosen black) 160 ⋆ rye, lingonberries and pumpkin seeds 300 ⋆ toast, peanut butter, banana and cacao (unnecessary) 700 ⋆ tofu katsu curry (there was no reason to eat it all..) 70 ⋆ cotton candy (my friend got it for herself, no one made me taste it so why did i?) 550 ⋆ liquorice + konjac shuang (mindless amusement park burnout binge) = 1850 embarrassing, depressing. at least i burned a lot by spending the whole day walking around the amusement park

oh my god i feel claustrophobic ..i must survive four or five days with people around me 24/7 , breakfast lunch snacks dinner supper breakfast lunch dinner snacks breakfast lunch dinner supper snacks snacks breakfast lunch snacks. all the acting and smiling while i'm on the edge of losing my mind and i only want to spit my mouth empty, brush my teeth 3 times and complete a 50 hour minimum fast

8 7 25 830 ⋆ red rice, tuna, lime jalapeño mayo, soy sauce, kohlrabi, peas, seaweed, tomato, feta, olive oil, kimchi, sesame seeds, bulgogi rice balls and crispy chilli oil 207 ⋆ pear ice cream, marshmallow fluff and strawberries 310 ⋆ rye bread, seed flatbread and pesto = 1347 ,overacted eating in a normal manner.. second day eating over 1000 i feel sick i wish i could fast

kinda waiting for autumn already. i love summer but my calendar is full of people meeting. there is this expectation and pressure to do things together in summer cause it's the only time of the year working people might have time for it. i love the people in my life but damn it's taxing when you have to keep counting and tracking and hiding everything while doing all kinds of activities. the silent autumn is going to feel so good... the darkness makes keeping secrets so easy. and it's going to be a sensory heaven after all the brightness and sweating and unexpected touch. god i love solitude. can't wait leaving for the country. it's my biggest dream to own a small house with a garden by a lake.. it's possible i'll never be able to afford it but i'm going to rent a cottage pretty soon! !

my plush belly is coming undone, soft cottonwool slipping through

7 7 25 metab. day 205 ⋆ rye, greek yogurt, lingonberries, pumpkin seeds, vanilla 700 ⋆ fried noodles, vegetables 140 ⋆ corona extra 281 ⋆ toast, peanut butter, banana 15⋆ oat milk for tea = 1341

6 7 25 50 ⋆ nashi 272 ⋆ pea soup + onion + mustard 30 ⋆ bell pepper 238 ⋆ ghost melon + feta = 590

craving lasagna