Faded Memories
ao3: petersarchives
Summary: Peter parker doesn’t know what to do with himself. Everyone he loves is either dead or has forgotten about him and it’s all his fault. He dug this hole for himself and now it’s his job to dig himself out. All he can do is try to move on and keep living even as the void in his heart grows little by little everyday.
or
A broke and depressed Peter Parker one-shot.
TW: references to depression & si
1k words
hurt no comfort
Posted on: 4-1-26
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a/n: might be some minor spelling mistakes, so sorry about that!! if you liked this, please leave a like and a kudos on ao3! 💕
It was all Peter’s fault. He had caused May’s death, he made everyone forget about him, and now here he was, buried in so much grief that he felt like he was drowning. But Peter didn’t have time to address all the sadness weighing him down. He was barely able to afford 3 meals a day nonetheless pay his rent. Working at Delmar’s could only pay him so much, but it helped that he got a free sandwich during his lunch break.
He spent whatever free time he could get thinking about Mj and Ned and then going on patrol to take his mind off of them. Patrol was a mess now that he wasn’t getting enough food for his enhanced metabolism. He was getting messier and his senses were delayed by seconds, sometimes even minutes.
Peter jolted up in a cold sweat, panting with tears streaming down his face. Images of Mays death were flashing through his mind. The fire, the debris, the explosion, the blood, but worst of all, her cold stone body lying on the concrete floor bleeding out.
“Fuck..” Peter breathed out.
His heart ached and his chest felt heavy but he held back the tears forming in his eyes. He didn’t deserve to cry, he was the reason she was dead. He had caused everything to happen, he had taken all those risks without thinking about how it would affect the people around him and it was all his fault his whole life went to shit, so why would he cry over his own doing? If he really thought about it, he killed May. His hands were just as dirty as the Green Goblins were. Peter pulled the blankets over his head, trying to shake off the negative thoughts consuming him but to nobody’s surprise, he wasn’t able to fall sleep again. Peter glanced at his suit all crumpled up in his closet. Late night patrol didn’t sound too bad.
Peter looked forward to patrols more than he ever had before. Spider-man was the only thing keeping him going, even if he was getting sloppier at it. Fighting gave him the rush adrenaline and the hit of dopamine that he desperately needed. Sometimes he’d purposely let the bad guys throw in a few punches before fighting back so he could really squeeze every last drop of adrenaline. He’d deal with the consequences of it later. Sometimes after a really bad day, which was basically everyday now, he’d sit on the edge of a building and let himself fall and then catch himself before he could hit the floor. More often than not, he wished he had just let himself fall.
He really didn’t see a future for himself where he wasn’t miserable and exhausted 24/7. He just wanted to go back to how everything was before, when everything seemed so simple. When he and Ned would hangout and watch star wars and build legos together. When he and Mj would go on dates together and FaceTime each other everyday. When he looked forward to Fridays because that meant it was lab day with Tony. If he had the chance, he would give up everything just to feel May’s warm embrace and eat her famous wheat-cake pancakes.
Peter’s alarm went off early in the morning and out of reflex his hand slammed hard against the alarm clock to turn it off, only to end up breaking it.
“What the hell??” Peter huffed out tiredly.
He had just woken up and his day was already off to a terrible start. Great. He hesitantly dragged himself out of bed to get ready for the day. He wore his work shirt and his favorite and only pair of jeans. He couldn’t afford a car yet, so he had to walk 10 blocks just to get to work. Surprisingly Delmar’s attracted a lot of Karen’s, which he didn’t think was possible since the sandwiches here were rated #1 in queens.
Walking back from work, Peter passed by the pastry shop Mj worked at. He held back his tears when he made eye contact with her through the window and her eyes looked away from him like he was just another customer. He missed the way her face lit up whenever she saw him. He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans only to find a crumpled up ball of paper. He pulled it out and the second he realized what it was his heart ached even more. It was the note he was going to read to Mj. Peter remembered the defeat he had felt that day when he walked out of the shop, and the sadness that consumed him and never left. His body went on autopilot and started acting for himself, slowly walking towards the door of the shop.
He did this almost every day after work, it was like his body was compelled to Mj. He never talked to her, just kind of lingered.
“Hey.” Mj said, approaching Peter.
his heart skipped a beat at her voice.
“Uh, hey.” Peter replied softly.
“Thinking of actually ordering something today, or just sitting around?” Mj asked with a playful tone.
Peter never realized how much he missed her voice until today.
“Uh, yeah sorry. Can I get a black coffee please?” Peter asked.
Even though he hated black coffee, it was the cheapest thing on the menu he could find and he didn’t mind blowing off some money for Mj.
“Yeah, no problem!” Mj said, grabbing a coffee cup to fill his coffee in.
“Thanks.” Peter said, grabbing the coffee once it was handed to him.
He sat at one of the tables replaying the conversation in his mind multiple times. He was blushing just thinking about her voice, her scent, the way her curls fell on her face, everything about her made him happy and sad at the same time. Peter wished that he could just hug her and kiss her one last time. The fact that she had approached him was a great sign in his eyes. Even if he was gaslighting himself to make it seem like more than it was, he didn’t care. Either way he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He left the shop soon after sitting down. The sight of her and knowing that he could never go back to their old relationship made him want to break out in tears.
When Peter woke up the next morning, the ache in his chest had slightly lifted. He had woken up at the perfect time to get ready for the day.
Work went by smoothly and before he knew it he was finished with work. His day had been going great so far. Maybe things were looking up for him. When he went to the pastry shop, he didn’t spot Mj anywhere.
“must’ve had a day off today.” Peter thought.
When he stepped into his apartment building, he noticed a party going on. As he was looking around, his eyes landed on a tall figure. Mj. Peter didn’t think twice before running down to the nearest florist shop and buying a bouquet of flowers. It was his last few dollars he had saved for food that night, but this was Mj he was talking about. He needed to impress her without seeming like a creep who just lingered around at her job. For the first 30 minutes of the party he was kinda just standing around trying desperately to blend in. Ned was the first to approach him, and it took everything in Peter to not give him a hug.
“Hey man, it’s my first time seeing you, how do you know Mj?” Ned asked. Peter couldn’t tell if Ned thought he was a creep or just wanted to get to know Peter. He was SURE that Ned had seen him in the pastry shop multiple times.
“Uh, i’m her next door neighbor. What’s your name?” Peter asked. It felt weird asking Ned, his best friend, or former best friend, what his name was.
“My names Ned. Nice to meet you.” Ned replied.
It didn’t take long for Mj to approach them. She eyed Peter a little before talking.
“Nice flowers.” Mj said.
“Housewarming gift.” Peter said nervously. He couldn’t help but admire her.
“I’m uh, Mj.”
“I’m just a neighbor-from across the hall.”
“Friendly neighbor.” Mj said pointedly.
Peter almost spit out his drink.
“You good?” Mj asked, her brows furrowing in concern.
“Yeah-great.” Peter said, sticking a thumbs up.
“Ooo-kay, well i’m gonna go greet the other guests, so see you later I guess.” Mj said, walking away.
All Peter could do was nod as Ned followed Mj.
Peter shook his head at the embarrassing interaction. Maybe if he tried again throughout the night he could shoot his shot.
Peter checked the time. 9:50 pm. He should be out on patrol right now, but he really didn’t want to leave. He hadn’t even gotten a chance to say anything else to Ned or Mj.
“Maybe when I say goodbye I can try and shoot my shot.” Peter thought to himself. It was worth the try.
Peter spotted her fast. He stood there thinking about what to say, but his thoughts were cut off when another man approached her, brushing her hair behind her ears. Peter’s world stopped. His heart sank and he felt nauseous. He left without saying a word.
Peter made sure to be extra messy during patrol today. The only major criminals he had run into were thief’s, so he let them throw in as many punches as they wanted.
That night when he returned home, his whole body ached, but he couldn’t have been bothered to look at his wounds. He lied on his bed curling up into his blanket as his mind consumed with thoughts. Mj didn’t deserve him. He had already ruined her life once, why should he again? There was no chance with her no matter what he tried. And Ned, Ned was doing good for himself. All he ever did was get into trouble when he was with Peter, he couldn’t burden him anymore. He wasn’t just Peter parker, but he was also Spiderman, and spiderman would just burden them more than he could imagine.
That night Peter decided he was done trying. He just had to accept his fate, whether he liked it or not, his life would never be the same again and the faster he realized that, the better.
Sometimes Spiderman has to do the hard thing, even if it breaks Peter Parker’s heart.
a/n: my first post, pls leave feedback!! xx
