if one of the three blind mice sold fentanyl.

lena: if i did that it would me the world would be ending. you really want that?

lena: well you have to crouch down to make it fair

pete: kinda yeah. just so i can live out the moment where you try joining my superior post-apocalyptic squad & i get to turn you away

lena: what if i just wanted to punch you

lena: would you let me

pete: one of these days you're just going to text me saying good morning

pete: but until then

hails: 😂 😂 you think i will? you that confident?

hails: getting a hall pass from God, that sounds like the most epic get out of jail free card.

pete: i used to be a crackwhore, now i'm just a whore

pete: i wrote the book 'an ugly mans guide to making a woman cum'

pete: i watch porn 10x more than your average person and while that may not seem like a flex, i'm a visual learner

pete: plus i have a weapon

pete: so yeah. i'm pretty confident

maude: i just gotta let u know at all times. u dont have to say it back. but u gotta feel loved.

maude: yeah, mom's the freaking best.

maude: greened out? i can't believe i don't remember anything from that night, I'm so embarrassed

pete: i feel like you've been hired by my family to make sure i feel wanted at all times, and i'm not mad about it. tell me nice things, maudey.

hails: it's not that i've considered it this long. i considered it back then, and then it's always an idea that's been there, whenever i remember. scared of? you're my best friend. us giving each other head is one thing but there's a line i don't know if it'd be smart if we crossed.

hails: mhm, sex out of wedlock and a divorce... i don't think i'm all that good with the man upstairs, but i'll make sure he hears of you and all the good you do.

pete: i meant for as long as it took you to type that one message. that was long enough for me. 🙂 and i think you're just afraid you might like it. 🙂

hails: it's not that the idea is so wild, i feel like we've done enough that the idea isn't wild at all, and i'd enjoy it, but do you think it'd be a good idea?

hails: fetus deletus, you're so going to hell dude.

pete: i mean, you've considered it this long. what're you scared of?

maude: awwwwwwwww i love you, you big softy

maude: my mom would crush both of you.

maude: let's face it, she would. i'm sure iris is better at it than i am

maude: but i wasn't THAT bad, was i?

pete: you said it again after we just agreed to never say it again! let's just write it on our foreheads for the whole world to know shall we. geeeee 🙄🙄

pete: i actually have no issue believing that. i also just want to hear what nonsense comes out of her mouth in that voice of hers. best blunt rotation ever

hails: objectively it's a nice penis, i'm not gonna say it's not, but like... i don't know, i can't find a reason in my head where anything to do with that is sexy. I don't know like what are we gonna do, have sex?

hails: yeap, exactly

hails: holy spirit gets to have all the fun, then you gotta raise it.

pete: i'm offended that the idea of that is so wild to you lmao no it's fine just gonna cry myself to sleep tonight

hails: how would a dick pick from you make it sexier, i've already seen it

hails: that was very predictable, but still funny

hails: ah yes, who knows who the dad is. i may be back on my church bs and it's the holy spirit's. or it could be yours, do you want it?

pete: that's why you should know how, because it's an objectively good looking penis. no weird helmet head or varicose veins or anything. and it's not even crooked.

pete: was it funnier because it was predictable tho? because that's what i was going for.

Maybe if they’re lucky they’ll get a look at Jake doing some stretches. At least they’ll get some sort of a show! You know if I call 30 Rock I’ll ask to speak to Colin and when I’m done trying to convince him to leave ScarJo for me, I’ll send him to find you with the threat that I won’t leave him alone until you pick up. I should have known you’ve been wanting something to tickle your butthole. You need to get laid, Pete. 

Wow. I never thought I’d say those words to you! Is this what growing up feels like? 

We could just start charging an admission fee to come watch Jake working out, you know. I hear on the grapevine he’s quite the dreamboat, we could have a whole business on our hands. Are you sure you’re not just using this whole deal as an excuse to contact Colin? I’m telling mom on you. You know, since being in a PR relationship with someone so high profile that it’s put a target on my back it’s considerably harder to get your butthole licked by anyone - who would’ve thought it? What’s a rimjob without a little risk?

maude: of course, silly. you took us into your family to let us tell your story, you're a part of ours too

maude: plus, have you seen the way my dad looks at you as if you were his first born comedy child????

maude: also, never saying no to cheesecake

maude: oh god, can't wait for my mom to see that and demand you invite her in to the magical mystical walks the next time.

pete: i swear i'm not fuckin' crying, i've just got new contacts

pete: also, i'm hella down for that. i wanna see if leslie can hang

hails: you're making that sound a lot sexier than it is, you being in my DMs

hails: it's usually us sending cat memes and reports on me apparently being pregnant and you apparently getting married and shit.

pete: i can make it sexier if you want

pete: you want a dick pic?

pete: [ IMAGE ATTACHED ] https://tinyurl.com/2p9dp7xr

maude: as if you're not coming around on father's day, you should always come around. sundays for lunch too, just saying.

maude: yeah yeah, you and your street cred.

pete: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

pete: you mean it?

pete: my mom and casey, too?

pete: you've put it out there into the abyss now so look forward to us showing us on your doorstep annually with a cheesecake

If you block my calls I’ll sick Mila and Hailey on you, and then blow up Colson’s phone and the directory line at 30 Rock. You aint seen nothing yet! I can be the most annoying big sister you’ve ever seen! I was gone for a week, 7 whole days! You’re telling me you couldn’t survive 7 days without me? That sounds …. disgusting. Maybe we should install a Bidet in your bathroom. 

Ah, so you wanna fight dirty. I’ll stick a sign on my door saying ‘free pilates lessons this way!’ with an arrow pointing back to your room to redirect them. It’ll keep ‘em busy for hours. With Colson I’ll just do a little trail of weed nugs leading away from me and that’s him sorted, too. Install a bidet in there and you’ll never see me again. I’ll have everything I’ve ever needed, and no, none of you dopes can use it.