Here to Serve

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

Lots of people find D/s more fun or exciting if it’s primarily sexual or even exclusively sexual. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, to each their own. I just find a lot of personal meaning in the non-sexual side of things. 

I don’t really see myself as trying to balance the sexual side vs the non-sexual side. I don’t think the ratio to how much is sexual vs not is really a factor. I just need a lot of non-sexual submission in my relationship in order to kind of “remember” that I am his submissive. For me, the non-sexual side of D/s is what makes me feel taken care of, watched over, held accountable, safe, secure, etc. 

I don’t think there is any one golden key to making me feel submissive outside of play. It just takes a lot of little aspects that reinforce that he is in charge and I’m not. I don’t know how new you are, but I wouldn’t recommend making big, sweeping changes all at once. We have evolved and grown our D/s quite slowly over time. Our kinky play certainly helps to reinforce our D/s roles but I’m going to focus on the non-sexual seems how that is your question.

Some of it involves rules like:

Permission to spend more than $20.

Permission to drink alcohol or soda.

Drinking 5 glasses of water a day.

He helps oversee my work schedule (I’m self-employed)

Keeping my pill organizer filled and taking my medication daily.

I have to speak to him respectfully. Joking or picking on him is fine but no being passive aggressive or rude.

No deliberate disobedience. 

Some of it is the way we’ve divided our relationship responsibilities:

He makes the final decision on most things.

He solves problems and fixes things that break.

He takes care of the lawn, snow and trash.

I cook, do dishes (this actually is a rule, too) and handle the laundry.

He takes care of things that disgust me like spiders, and mold. He also will snake the shower when my hair clogs it. My hair is nearly to my butt and I think wet hair is absolutely disgusting so he gets massive kudos for that one.

I’m not supposed to tell him what to do, ever. If I would like something from him I can request it, and/or explain what my needs are.

He decides our budget.

I do as he asks me to as much as possible. If he asks something that I have a problem with we discuss it though.

I share my needs with him as much as possible so he can consider them when making decisions for me or us. 

Some of it is him giving me instructions or me seeking his approval or permission:

I ask..

Is it okay if I make tacos for dinner? 

I’m chilly, do you mind if I raise the thermostat? 

Will you choose lunch for me? I can’t decide between a sandwich, soup or salad. 

Is it okay if (person) stops over to visit this afternoon?

(person) asked me to babysit tomorrow from 4-8. Is that okay? 

I was offered (project) that involves (tasks) for (pay). Should I accept? 

Would you rather that I wear this sweater or that button down? 

He gives me little instructions like:

Come give me a massage.

Would you bring me the mail?

Stop chewing your nails. 

Feed the dogs (or let the dogs out)

I want you to make tacos for dinner.

Bring me a glass of orange juice. 

Go find your glasses and put them on.

Add eggs to our grocery list. 

We are leaving in an hour, get ready. 

You need to be in bed by midnight. 

So it all just kind of adds up to him being the head of the household and me being the submissive as a result of all of these little things. For me, him having the ability to punish me goes a long way at making it feel very serious. I’ve also recently recognized that when he faces problems head on, and perhaps even shares with me how he has plan b and plan c in place in case the first one doesn’t work, that  helps a lot. When he handles things like that it gives me a lot of peace of mind which allows me to feel secure enough to submit more fully.