Hidden Place

Worrying does not accomplish anything. Even if you worry twenty times more, it will not change the situation of the world. In fact, your anxiety will only make things worse. Even though things are not as we would like, we can still be content, knowing we are trying our best and will continue to do so. If we don’t know how to breathe, smile,and live every moment of our life deeply, we will never be able to help anyone. I am happy in the present moment. I do not ask for anything else. I do not expect any additional happiness or conditions that will bring about more happiness. The most important practice is aimlessness, not running after things, not grasping.

So after all that was said and done and what was broken and misplaced, I am so sorry that you broke my fucking mind and ripped open my goddamn heart.

Sometimes I want to run away and I can’t decide if I want to run to you or from you.

You don’t need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. When someone rejects or abandons or judges you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and you don’t have to internalize that. Your worth isn’t contingent upon other people’s acceptance of you - it’s something inherent. You exist, and therefore, you matter. You’re allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You’re allowed to assert your needs and take up space. You’re allowed to hold onto the truth that who you are is exactly enough. And you’re allowed to remove anyone from your life who makes you feel otherwise.

I’m going to paraphrase Thoreau here… rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.

The truth is that the what-if’s hurt so much because I always imagine them better than they would be. Because even if I had stayed you would still be with her. I would still be a secondary character in the story of your life, shrinking into shadows while you spend your nights laced around her. The truth is that there would be no smiles or late night adventures. Just smiles to cover up tears and late nights spent wishing that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow would be the day you’d realize that she should really be me instead.