Everyday I'm Me

Despite these situations and conditions being very common, for some reason a lot health care providers that offer routine pap smears are totally inconpetent and unprepared to handle these conditions/situations. And many act like you have 3 heads or youre just being difficult when you bring it up and try to get your needs met.

So a lot of women with specific needs have to shop around and spend significant time and money just try to get their needs met by a competent health care provider.

This should not be the case and its just another huge barrier to getting, what should be, routine care.

And crying is just the minimum. Sometimes I have a full blown panic attack. Sometimes I have intense flash backs and fully dissociate. Sometimes my body starts responding as if I’m being assaulted (involuntary movements like pushing away air, clawing at an invisible hand around my neck, my arm trying to protect my face from a ghost punch, begging for it to stop).

I warn the practitioner before hand of my history, they make sure that there are always two women staff and never a man in the room, and still it happens. Some are very kind and empathetic, some just stare at me like I’m an alien and they don’t know women could ever be victims of sexual violence. Some just ignore me completely and leave the room after without a word, presumably to “give me space.”