Letter to You

To You,

I’m writing this because I’ve finally, finally decided to let go. In the past you have seen me grow, seen my fall and seen parts of me that no other human has ever seen before. You taught me many lessons, some so wonderful and some so painful. Yet, despite how close we were once, I have to accept that you have let me down. You did. You will never accept the pain you have caused me, make excuse after excuse until the day you die but the facts are, you don’t get to dictate how you made other people feel. I tried my very best to keep us close, to keep us in touch, constantly message after message you left me on read for months on end until replying with the same pathetic and poor excuses. I wanted so badly to keep our connection but I can’t chase after somebody who doesn’t know my worth. I know that one day, I will be living the life I have always wanted to live and you will be stuck in your comfort zone. Content, but always wanting just that little bit more and knowing you will never have it. I know that I am better off without you now, and I’m done with chasing you, I am truly over it and wanted to write this letter as a one final reminder that I am never going to look back at you. Maybe one day in the future you will reach out to me and we can chat. Maybe, I just won’t have time.

To You,

I feel like this is going to be completely obvious to anybody who knows me that this letter is to you. But, it scares me that I feel all this love and happiness over you and maybe one day, if we don’t work out, I won’t feel it anymore. And, I really really never want to forget and hope I never have to. I genuinely want to live with you for the rest of my life and I love you so freaking much, it genuinely baffles me how I would ever live without you. I’m so happy when I’m with you, every moment is full of giggles, daftness and affection. I love that every morning you text me good morning and every night you tell me that you love me. I love how if you read this, you would cringe and roll your eyes and how basic I sound but I know that you would secretly love it. I never tell you all this enough though, to save you from the embarrassment and because I’m slightly awkward when expressing my emotions in person. I’d just start crying and we’d cuddle and that would be it sorted hahaha. I love that you never try to fix my problems, that you just support my way of life and my own choices but let me make my mistakes on my own. I love how you can only sleep on one side of the bed and can see me wide awake, even when your eyes are closed. I love that even though you are asleep, in your FREAKING SLEEP, you cuddle me and say that you love me. I love so much your stupid bright boxer shorts and the way you pout when your fake mad and how easy it is to wind you up. I love how you have to have an answer for EVERYTHING so you sound intelligent, even when I get mad about it and know your talking out of your arse. I love how much of a nerd you are when it comes to university and I love how you couldn’t give two damns about what anybody thinks about you. I love when you flex and pretend to be cool but the smile on your face betrays you for how chuffed you are with how good your body looks (which it does by the way, it really does!) I love how cute you are, how you can’t leave a conversation until I tell you I love you back and how you simply refuse to go to sleep if you know I’m upset. I love how you don’t get mad when I’m drunk and feeling sorry for myself, and actually enjoy all my drunk embarrassing texts. I love how much you love me, because I never knee anybody would ever love me this much back and I can’t believe I have been dating your weird and wonderful self for nearly a year. You genuinely mean the world to me and I can tell you now that this is just one letter of many to come!

Love you more,

To, You.

The reader, if you should ever come across these ramblings. I’ve always been so open about my feelings and I think this puts me in quite a vulnerable position. You know how some people have multiple versions of themselves that they show to different people in the world? Like how you act differently towards an employer as you would your best friend? I don’t think I have that kind of filter. Sure, I know not to swear and when to fake laugh but genuinely what I think and say just comes straight out and that’s not always necessarily a good thing. I can be overly expressive, appear needy and too emotional. While trying to avoid these things I find myself being a bit of a bitch and can’t help to discuss my anger with others and I instantly regret it. So instead, here I am writing. My goal for 2019 is to write more and as much as I love writing by hand, my laziness and effort to go buy a pretty notebook and ponder over what colour pen I should use means it will not be until 2020 until I start this. Also a part of me while wanting to keep this page anonymous, kind of hopes someone out there will come across it and read it. Maybe even the people who the letters are for. I realise I’m making no sense right now so let’s just cut to the reason I am here. Here it is. From today onwards, I intend to channel all my negative emotions into online anonymously addressed letters which will be posted on this anonymous blog that is randomly named the very “justgirlythings” name of personalwanderlust. Don’t judge me okay, I made this tumblr account when I was like fourteen. Rather than go on complete rants to people about how I feel completely impulsively, I figured by writing letters I can fully analyse how I’m truly feeling about certain situations. I can learn how to forgive, how to forget and have a record to look back at and see how far I’ve come. This is not a burn book though - I fully intend to write letters of thanks, love and gratitude too. So although I’m hidden behind a screen and the addressed letters are unknown, the stories and emotions are very much real. I vow to be completely honest in portraying everything. Maybe one day, the letters that are truly important will be sent or maybe they will forever be left unread. Only time will tell.