Personal Thoughts

If somehow you found this little blog, and you find the words of my past self relatable or familiar, I want you to know that things can get better. I can’t promise you that they will, but if you work on your physical and mental health, keep an open mind, and be willing to make good changes even when they’re scary, there is a very good chance that your life will improve. Know that you are loved and you have yet to meet so many of the people who will love you.

I know it’s better for me to not think about you, but I can’t avoid you. I used to look for you and ways to get closer to you, but now I just want you to go away. You wouldn’t understand the intensity of the emotions I experience when I’m around you. I try to act detached because I know you won’t return my feelings, and doing that is extraordinarily painful. I just want to give you all the attention you don’t deserve, but that would leave me more emotionally broken than I am now. Maybe even physically broken if you successfully deceived me again. I just want to get rid of you, get rid of my feelings for you.  If I pretend you’re not there, will you go away?   

I don’t know what I want to write about. But I also want to write about so many things. About the play. About Japan. About that boy. About depression. About my cat. About my future plans. About all the things that are currently stressing me out and cluttering my mind. The beautiful thoughts get scared away, and I am left with nothing but stress and emptiness. I want to do well, but I give myself too much. I am often cold, angry, sad, and tired. 

When it comes to potential relationships that end up not working out, I tend to blame myself. I think, “It might have worked out if I had been more aggressive” or, “It might have worked out if I had said x instead of y.” Thinking back, I really shouldn’t blame myself or make assumptions about why the other person chose to drop me. If everything really happens for a reason, there’s a reason why it did’t work out. If someone ended our flirtationship due to my actions, they're not the right person for me anyway. Someday, I’ll meet someone who it does work out with. Someone who thinks I don’t need to be more aggressive and someone who thinks I say all the right things. It’ll all work out in the end. I just have to remind myself to be patient. 

I’ve been told that when you want something, you should go out and get it. Take for yourself what no one will give to you. I don’t think that’s quite right. Sometimes, with love anyway, you have to wait. Don’t take it. Let it come to you. 

This time I won’t push it. I’ll be patient. I’ll wait for him to call me. It’s okay if it takes a week, a month, a year. Or if, heaven forbid, he never calls me. Maybe it’s okay if we just stay friends. I won’t like it, but I’ll be okay. I can definitely take it if he still flirts with me. Waiting is hard, though. But I’ll do it. I just need to stop using the waiting time to think of ways to run into him or excuses to message him. Maybe I should make it not feel like I’m waiting. After all, there’s a lot to see and do in this world. People and places that I might find more incredible than him. It may be hard, though, if I stop for a moment and find he met a girl who he decided didn’t need to wait. 

Concept: Kissing the same person multiple times over an extended period.   

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love love. I want to be in love very badly. However, I recently realized that love might also be a lot more terrifying and elusive than I thought. An acquaintance of mine, I’m going to refer to her as “D,” had been planning her wedding for almost a year. She was always posting on social media about how in love she was with her adorable red-headed fiancé and kept her followers updated on her wedding planning process. School started for me a couple months before the wedding was supposed to take place, and I kind of forgot all about D for awhile. About a week ago, D posted a selfie with a caption about the fall weather. I thought this was odd because up until that point, all of her posts had been wedding-oriented. Then I realized that this was the first time since I started school that any of her posts had showed up on my feed. I actually though she might have unfollowed me or there had been a glitch in the system. Then I checked her profile. I was shocked to find that it had been completely stripped of all of the pictures of her fiancé and wedding plans. I don’t really know what happened to D’s relationship, but I do know I had never in my life met someone so excited about getting married before I met D. She had even bought a dress, an absolutely beautiful dress. I cried a bit for her. I can’t even imagine. It’s said that it’s better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all, but is that really true? Is love worth it if it could cause that much pain? If it’s that temporary and that fleeting?     

Trusting in a higher being. Stupid or smart? If nothing else, it’s comforting. I feel better believing that there is someone almighty and all knowing looking down upon the earth and on me. I want to trust God to bring my soulmate to me. I am lonely, but God sees that I am lonely. I trust, I pray that he will provide the companion I have longed for. God has brought my closest friends to me when I needed them most. Can’t he do that with a soulmate, too? Whether you believe in God or believe in chance, there is hope for you if you haven’t found your soulmate yet. I still hope and trust that I will find mine.

You know, I wish you didn’t have to go. But maybe it’s better this way. If you go, I won’t have to watch you fall in love with someone else. I knew from the moment I saw you that I could never have you. And that’s why I never tried. A girl like me could never keep a guy like you. You’ll always have some girl who’s fallen head-over-heels for your jokes, your face, your carefree disposition. You give girls attention. The kind of attention that they want. At least, that’s the way it was for me. I just remember every time you put your arm around me, or kissed me, the whole room seemed to stop and look at us. Everyone wanted to know who “your girl” was. I honestly don’t know what you saw in me, even if it was just for a night. I’ll miss you. I really will. I want to find someone like you. But someone who only has eyes for me. I know this is all stupid and meaningless, but I will always have a fondness for you. Not love, just fondness. I will always be here for you if you ever need me. Well, maybe not always. But I don’t want to think about the future. Right now, in this moment, I just want to feel the warmth of your lips one last time.  

Do you ever meet someone, and you end up liking them, but something in the back of your mind tells you to pass them up and keep looking?

They call it heartbreak, which makes it sounds like it happens all at once. But it doesn’t. At least, not for me. It doesn’t really hurt at first. I smile. I say that it’s okay. I say that I understand. And I convince myself for awhile that I really feel that way. The pain comes a little later. I can’t say for sure what triggers it or why it happens. I guess it’s when I stop believing the lie I told myself. 

It’s sad, really. I can’t say anything, because you’re not really mine. But your behavior sickens me. Here I am, ready to love and adore you. That doesn’t matter to you, though. Those exotic girls are more enticing to your masculine urges than my small, pale body is. I would, without hesitation, run away with you. But you keep running away from me. I guess I’m just not exciting enough. Would you like me better if I spoke French? Since you seem to hang on to every little syllable that comes out of their mouths.   

If God had to make me tortured, why could he not have made me a tortured genius? 

The dream is fading. It’s dying. I have lived in a dream world with you for the past few days. But it’s dying. I don’t think we can keep this dream alive. We can’t lie out under the stars every night talking about our lives. We can’t lock ourselves away every night exploring each others’s bodies. Darling, words can’t describe how happy you have made me these past few days. I picked up the shirt I wore last night, and it smelled like you. That smell alone made me want to jump into your arms again. Thinking about this all coming to an end makes me want to cry. But I feel like I have to be strong. Be the kind of woman who can keep up with you. I wonder, is it ending because of me? Is it ending because I didn’t try hard enough to chase after you last night? Is it ending because I let that other man put his arm around me last night? If it is, I’m sorry. I adore you. If you can’t believe the words I say, at least believe that. Please, if there’s any way you can keep the dream from dying, do it. Please.       

One Friday night, I got in a fight with someone who I cared about very much. I was so angry at him that I decided to retaliate. Saturday night at the biggest, most exciting house party in town, I met a baseball player. I saw him when I first walked in. He wasn’t one of the “hot ones,” per say. But he was nice. We left the party holding hands. Before we drove back to campus, we stopped at a house party where my entire sports team was. I knew every person in that tiny house. The person who I cared very much about was there. I was a little nervous, but the baseball player kept his arm wrapped around my waist, which gave me some confidence. He asked if I wanted to dance. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck as I swayed my hips back and forth. After we had danced for awhile, he spun me to face him. Our noses touched. And then, he leaned in. As I felt his lips press against mine, time seemed to stop. He didn’t care who was watching; he just kissed me. That meant the world to me. When he finally pulled away and I opened my eyes, I saw a couple of guys I knew staring at us wide eyed. Later that night, several of the girls told me how surprised they were that I scored a cute baseball player, and that one of my exes was really jealous. Out of the three people I kissed that year, that was the best one. I may have only kissed him once, but there was something pure and passionate about that kiss that made it different from the others. Just being able to express that kind of affection out in the open felt so liberating. I want to find someone like that baseball player. It didn’t work out with him, as one might imagine since it was just a half-drunk kiss at a house party. I want to be with someone who will love me in front of the whole world. Someone who doesn’t care about what people will think about us being together. Someone who is proud to be with me.  

Someday, you will fall hopelessly, undeniably,  irreversibly in love. And it will be more wonderful than you ever dreamed it would be. That person you’ll fall for won’t be perfect, but neither are you. You’ll need each other. You’ll want each other. You’ll know it was meant to be.