PANIC

MAP was designed for adults with mild to moderate anxiety problems. It can be used by yourself if you want to work through it on your own or you can use it with your therapist. I have my own MAP that I created with my therapist, but I’m not comfortable sharing it so I won’t. I’ve heard good things about this online lesson plan, though.

If you do decide to go through with it, go at your own pace. A journey isn’t a race. Take your time. If you feel like the strategies in the plan aren’t enough or your symptoms are worsening, please seek outside, professional help. Just because it’s online doesn’t mean it’s the only answer.

Other resources you can use to help with anxiety include #SelfCare, an app on Android and iPhone devices. I’ve used it a few times, but altogether did not find the app very helpful. You might. One thing I took away from it was that I really enjoyed listening to the sound of rain. It helps me fall asleep and removes all distractions from my mind. Headspace is another app with guided meditation, if that helps manage your anxiety. I find that my mind is too loud for meditation.

What is agoraphobia? How does it affect you?

Agoraphobia is the fear of being in a situation the person (me) can’t escape. A person (me) may avoid going out to public spaces or even avoid leaving their homes (which is definitely me). For me, agoraphobia first came out in high school (Read here about my high school experience). My parents took me out of public school and enrolled me in online classes. I have since graduated high school, but I have not moved out of my parents’ house. It took me such a long time to even be able to think about getting a job, let alone leave my house for a job interview. I went through lots of therapy, both through video chat and in-person sessions.

How was your job interview?

Um, it sucked? I think I answered all of their questions the way they wanted me to, but I was so nervous I think I spoke too fast and I think I was a little standoff-ish. I definitely wasn’t as friendly as I wanted to be. I wish I could do it over again, but at least now I know for future references to be more kind to myself instead of the way I was talking to myself the entire interview. It definitely played a huge part in my answers.  

  What are some techniques you use to help calm you down during an anxiety attack?

I do my best to take deep breaths, which is very hard to do when you feel like you can’t breathe. Hyperventilating absolutely does not help. It sucks so much. I tell myself over and over that you can breathe, you’re not dying, slow down. Doesn’t always help. Doesn’t work for everyone, either. Counting breaths, too, that helps. Just don’t touch me.

GAD, for me, emerged when I was in high school. I was fine my first year and grade ten went okay-ish, but when grade eleven came around and I had to start really thinking about what I wanted to be, I started having anxiety attacks. I didn’t know when that’s what they were, I just thought it was normal to have short crying episodes worrying about grades and my future. They weren’t.

It started with my grades. I had no idea what I wanted to do yet, but I was really interested in movies and how they were made, so I started thinking about going to film school. I had to make sure my grades were perfect, which they already were, but it became almost obsessive. All my work had to be perfect. I quit hanging out with my friends and spent lunch breaks in the library working. I thought I was just focused and so did my parents.

I was given back a failed math test and had an anxiety attack in the middle of class. It was only one test, the only one I had failed, but I spiralled. I failed my math test. I wasn’t going to pass the class. I was going to fail high school. I wasn’t going to be accepted into film school. I wouldn’t get a job. I’d never be able to live on my own if I didn’t have a job, I’d have to stay with my parents. I would be a burden to them and they would eventually come to resent me. They’d kick me out. I’d be homeless. I’d die. It was awful.

And it only got worse. I was so worried about school, I stopped taking care of myself. I wouldn’t shower. When I would, I’d worry I still stunk. I thought my stink would make everyone disgusted. I’d be forced to sit in a room where everyone thought of me as the stinky kid who freaked out over a failed math test. So to avoid that happening, I wouldn’t go to school. I’d stay in my room and work and work and work. Even going downstairs for dinner was hard.

Sleep, too. Sleep was hard. I had trouble falling asleep and when I would fall asleep, my sleep wasn’t restful. High school was tough for me to go through and after my first semester of grade eleven, my parents pulled me from school at the suggestion of my doctor and had me finish my year and grade twelve online. That was also hard, but at least I wasn’t worrying about something happening to me and being stuck there, imagining all the whispers going on behind my back by my friends that no longer talked to me because I isolated myself from them.

It’s been two years since I graduated high school. I still have GAD and I am still very agoraphobic, but also in that time I have found various strategies to help me manage my anxiety in a healthy way. And to end this post on a happy note, I have a job interview that I will be leaving my house to go to. Anxiety sure feels like it will control you forever and I know people are probably so tired of hearing this, but it will get better. And if not better, it will get easier.