OK.

One of the big things that’s annoying me is that book!Clay listened to the tapes in one night and show!Clay is taking forever. And for whatever reason they’ve added this element of “all the douche jocks want to beat up Clay cause he could expose them.” I hate that shit. 

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I have a story to tell. I would never post this on my main blog because there are people who know me involved and they know about my main blog. And as much as I’d like to think they’d never victim-blame me I believe they already have so here I am. I hope this will be buried deep enough they won’t see it but that I can have some comfort in other people seeing it.

Last year about this time I went to visit some girls I’ve known a while. One whom I met many years before Tumblr was a thing and a few I’d only known a short while on Tumblr but were also friends with the first friend. We will call the first friend “Daisy” and the other two girls, “Ester” and “Astrid”. The final girl in this story will be “Willow”. Willow is Daisy’s sister and I only had known her very well since October of the year prior. Being better friends with Willow than I was with Daisy, I stayed with her. Ester is from Willow and Daisy’s town and Astrid is from out of town. This was going to be Daisy and her husband’s big anniversary bash.

There was an open bar at the bash and Willow and I got, summarily, wasted. Except I have a switch in my personality that makes me appear completely normal in the face of near blind stinking drunk if I perceive that people will be judging me. This was a crowded hall full of Christians and I’m a total atheist so, yeah I was on guard. I did THE MOST to appear normal. Willow on the other hand was GONE. Ester and Astrid wanted to go to another place after the party and wanted me to come. It was clear they DIDN’T want Willow to come. They called her an Uber. I guess I seemed ok so they figured I was down.

I had probably had the better part of two bottles of wine and I think I drank someone’s beer at the party. We get to the bar and I have two more beers, I think. I was nearing blackout status. Though I’ve never blacked out so I don’t really know what that’s like. I did lose time. We were at the bar 2 hours dancing while a DJ was spinning. I feel like the same Sia song was playing the whole time. It felt like 15 minutes. In that time frame a guy that was friends with Willow and Daisy and had dated Ester before was at this bar. He was literally grinding on Astrid. Thing is I was directly beside Astrid and several times I felt his hand on my ass – rubbing and groping.

Why didn’t I do anything about it? I have shamed myself with this question a million times. I let it happen. I couldn’t have fought him. I also couldn’t move from the spot I was in or I would have literally fallen down. I couldn’t move without putting my hand on one of the other girls we were with for balance. I was only able to stand in one spot.

We got back to Willow’s house where Ester and Astrid were also staying that night and I was like “Dudebro was grabbing my ass” both girls acted unfazed. I’m married so I say, “Do I tell SweetHusbandMan” and unmarried Astrid says “no”. If it wasn’t my fault… if I did nothing wrong… if someone else was the perpetrator… why was I supposed to hide it? Even though I was laughing when I told them I was anxious. I was so drunk everything was laughable.

The next day I spent the better part of it vomiting and sleeping and feeling like ultimate shit. It wasn’t until the evening that I started remembering things. Then the dread set in. How can I not tell SHM about what happened? He and I have no secrets. We’re the most communicative couple you’ll ever know, trust me on this. I consult Willow on this and she’s helpful in telling me she would want to know if it were her partner. So when he calls that evening I tell him. He was very upset. I was sobbing. I literally thought *I* had ruined everything. But it wasn’t my fault! I was supposed to be there for two more days. All I wanted was to go home.

Then in a separate but vindictive coup, Daisy had Ester uninvite Willow and I from a brunch the next day because of how “poorly we behaved at her party”. Which was bullshit. No one acted poorly. They were just mad that I was hung over and didn’t hang out with them that whole day. High school drama doesn’t look good on 30 year old women, jus sayin’. This lead to Willow offering to drive me home the next day. Thank the gods for that. Getting home to SHM and being able to touch, talk, and move forward helped heal me.

However, Willow had been so angry at DB that she confronted him about it. Told him he needed to apologize to me. And he did, on FB, very poorly. Then more elaborately after she told him it wasn’t good enough. Because DB was their friend, that lives in their area that they see a lot, they were unwilling to stop being his friend. It was easier for everyone involved to pretend like nothing happened. I don’t care if you think it was my fault, that I should have done something, that I shouldn’t have done something…  he felt entitled to touch a married woman’s body with zero provocation or consent. He was not drunk. I was. He took advantage and the girls who had been huge advocates online of not victim blaming refused to see that their “friend” had been a victim from another friend.

So it’s been a year and for the most part I had shoved those feelings of shame and guilt down because my husband and I are good. Things are good with us and we have a great relationship with clear lines of communication. However, this morning I was having a dream or a daydream or something in between of being in a club, hot and sweaty, dancing and the memories came flooding back. I couldn’t think of anything else and could also not think of not writing this. This isn’t for pity. I don’t think I have it worse than anyone. I’m just trying to unpack some of the feelings that came with the casual molestation by a near stranger.

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