perenelle

for me, being me, there is no greater freedom and relief than A TRULY PURE FEELING

stripped down to what i can't shed, a neutral clarity about what i know and feel and need, for better or for worse

and that one feeling i still can't quite put in words, but maybe don't need to because it exists safely outside of everything, beyond time and words and all the bullshit

the irony, that this has blown all the walls apart, that i've never been more fearless and secure and open, the way he always needed me to be / that i can and want to externalize more than ever but now it doesn't matter / that he taught me to be more optimistic and receptive of love

to have to just let it all die inside me, with nowhere to go, watch the fire burn itself out..........

powerlessness is both a curse and an anchor

i understand now that being at peace with something impossible doesn't have to mean healing or letting go or not feeling anything anymore. that it's separating yourself from it, but consciously, while recognizing and coexisting with all of it

i could never wrap my head around the idea of sailing off into the unknown, into certain death

but standing on the edge of the world, all that does not matter melts away into the horizon until there's nothing left but

the wind on my face the weight of the endless sky the pull of a full heart and us

to be alive is to have my toes curled on the edge of that cliff, to have the sky open up for me anywhere