My Cinematic Mind

I never went out alone at night

Except for when I did

But even then I did it “right” -

I carried a weapon

Let my father teach me how to fight.

I listened to what they said

I fought back, I swear I did

I fought until I couldn’t fight anymore

I fought -

Until he rammed my head against the edge of the porcelain seat and called me a filthy whore

And then I knew I could fight no more

Strange hands gripped my hips and pulled out locks of my hair

And all the while I heard your voice, a warning in my ear:

“Don’t make him mad.”

I listened to what they said

I listened, I promise I did

My mother held my hand while I confessed his sins

The truth recounted with shame - as if it were my own

My heart broke as I was forced to share this pain with the woman that brought me into the world

Then broke again when she told me I wasn’t alone.

I listened to what they said

Those two words every survivor hears –

Report it.

So I did.

And this is what the nice police officers said:

“Well did you get a good look at his face?

What about his name? Did he give you that?

You can’t remember?!

What were you wearing?

Why were you out so late?

Why were you out alone?

How much did you have to drink?

Without a name or proper description, I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do.

We can’t file a report on this.”

Yes, I listened to what they said –

And their words made it perfectly clear:

I could find no help in them.

So I closed up. Closed my mouth. Closed my legs.

And I closed off. Withdrew. Shut down.

Slowly, I stopped talking about it at all.  

I got quiet. And I listened.

For years I internalized responses

Let other’s words shape the way I saw myself.

I was quiet. And I listened.

This is what they said,

All those well-meaning people that called themselves friends:

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?

Why didn’t you ask for a rape kit?

You’re only speaking up now for attention.

You only talk about this because you hate men.

We don’t live in a rape culture – go to the Middle East, that’s a rape culture.

If you lived in an Islamic state, they’d cut off your head for talking about this and it’d serve you right.

I’d still fuck you.

So you want all men sent to jail without due process?

But what about all the false reports?

What about female perpetrators?

You’re a cunt.

Get out of here.

Did it feel good?

Do you like rape role-play?

You’re tainted.

Why does this happen to every girl I date?

Can we change the topic?

You’re bumming me out.

It’s just a joke. Lighten up.

Not all men.

Yeah but were there eye witnesses?

Does that really count as rape?

You talk about this too much.

This is just a woman’s issue.

There is no rape culture.

You’re only talking about this to spread fear.

You probably deserved it.

You don’t look like a rape victim.”

I don’t listen to what they say anymore.

Now I speak.

I have learned firsthand how silence leads to violence.

Now I speak

I speak because I want this pain to end

I speak so others know they aren’t alone

I speak because I shouldn’t have to keep this to myself

I speak because your discomfort does not mean more than my own

I speak because 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men

Have felt the same pain that I have felt

And I know they’re being asked now the same questions I was asked then

Now I speak (like you told me to)

And this is what I want to say –

FULL VIDEO (new link)

Cop: Ok, Ma’am. You ok?

SB: I’m waitin’ on you. This is your job. I’m waitin’ on you…

Cop: You seem very irritated.

SB: I am. I really am because I feel like what I’m getting a ticket for, I was getting out of your way. You were speeding up, tailing me, so I move over, and you stop me. So, yeah, I am a little irritated, but that doesn’t stop you from giving me a ticket.

Cop: Are you done?

SB: You asked me what was wrong and I told you. So now I’m done, yeah.

Cop: Ok. You mind putting out your cigarette, please?

SB: I’m in my car. Why do I have to put out my cigarette?

Cop: Well you can step on out now.

SB: I don’t have to step out of my car.

Cop: Step out of the car. [Cop opens the car door] Step out.

SB: No, you don’t have the right-

Cop: Step out of the car!

SB: You do not have the right to do that.

Cop: I do have the right. Now, step out or I will remove you.

SB: I refuse to talk to you other than to identify myself-

Cop: Step out or I will remove you.

SB: I am getting removed for a failure to-

Cop: Step out or I will remove you. I’m giving you a lawful order. Get out of the car now or I’m gonna remove you.

SB: I’m calling my-

Cop:[Cop reaches into the car] I’m gonna yank you out of here.

SB: Okay, you gonna yank me out of my car?

Cop: Get out.

SB: Ok. Alright. Let’s do this. Don’t touch me.

Cop: Get out of the car!

SB: Don’t touch me! I’m not under arrest. You don’t have the right to-

Cop: You ARE under arrest.

SB: I’m under arrest for what? For what? For what?

Cop: Get out of the car. Get out of the car! Now!

SB: Why am I being apprehended? Because you’re trying to give me a ticket for a failure-

Cop: I said get out of the car.

SB: Why am I being apprehended? You opened my car door-

Cop: I am gonna drag you outta here.

SB: So you’re threatening to drag me out of my own car?

Cop: Get out of the car!!

SB: And then you-

Cop: [Cop points his taser at her.] I will light you up!!

SB: Wow.

Cop: NOW!!

SB: Wow. [Sandra steps out of the car.]

Cop: Get out of the car!

SB: For a failure to signal, you’re doing all this. You’re doing all this for a failure to signal.

Cop: Get over there. [Cop points her over to the sidewalk, while pointing his taser at her.]

SB: Right. Yeah. Let’s take this to court. [Sandra continues to walk toward the sidewalk.] Let’s do this for a failure to signal. Yep, for a failure to signal. [Sandra is led out of the view of the dashcam video.]

Cop: Get off the phone.

SB: I’m not on the phone. I have a right to record-

Cop: Put your phone down.

SB: This is my property.

Cop: Put your phone down.

SB: Sir?

Cop: Put your phone down. Right now! Put your phone down.

SB: [Sandra puts her phone down on the trunk of her car.] For a fucking failure to signal, my goodness.

Cop: Come over here!

SB: Y’all are interesting. You feelin’ good about this whole thing?

Cop: Stand right here.

SB: You feelin’ good about yourself? For my failure to signal, you feel real good about yourself, don’t you?

Cop: Turn around.

SB: You feel good about yourself, don’t you?

Cop: Turn around. Turn around now. Put your hands-

SB: Why am I being arrested?

Cop: I’m giving you a lawful order. I will tell you-

SB: Why am I being arrested? Why can’t you tell me that part?

Cop: I’m giving you a lawful order. Turn around.

SB: Why will you not tell me what’s going on?

Cop: You are not compliant.

SB: I’m not compliant ‘cause you just pulled me outta my car.

Cop: Turn around!!

SB: Are you fucking kidding me? This is some bullshit.

Cop: Put your hands behind your back.

SB: Cause you know this is straight bullshit, and you full a shit. Full a straight shit. That’s why y’all are some scary fucking cops. South Carolina got all y’all bitch asses scared. That’s all it is. Fucking scared of a female.

Cop: If you would have just listened-

SB: I was tryin’ sign the fucking ticket. Whatever.

Cop: Stop movin’!

SB: Are you fucking serious?

Cop: Stop movin’.

SB: Oh, I can’t wait till we go to court.  OH, I can’t wait! I cannot WAIT ‘till we go to court! I can’t wait. OH, I can’t wait. You want me to sit down now?

Cop: No.

SB: Oh, you gonna throw me to the floor? That’ll make you feel better about yourself?

Cop: Knock it off.

SB: Ah, that’ll make you feel better about yourself? That make you feel real good, won’t it? Fucking ass. Fucking pussy. For a failure to signal, you doin’ all of this. In little ass Prairie View, Texas. My god. They must-

Cop: You were getting a warning, and now you’re going to jail.

SB: For what??

Cop: You can come read right- [Cop leads Sandra back over to the trunk of the car.]

SB: I’m getting a warning for what?

Cop: Stay right here.

SB: You just pointed me over there!

Cop: I said stay right here.

SB: Get your fucking mind right. OH, I swear on my life, y’all some pussies. A pussy ass cop pulls for a fucking signal, you’re takin’ me to jail. What a pussy. What a pussy. What a- you about to break my fucking wrist.

Cop: Stop movin’!

SB: I’m standin’ still! You keep movin’ me, goddamn it!

Cop: Stay right there.

SB: Don’t touch me. Fucking pussy, for a traffic ticket.

Cop: [Goes around the car and closes the front door. Walks back off screen to where Sandra is on the sidewalk.] Come read right over here. [He stands by the trunk of the car and shows her the written warning.] This right here says a warning. YOU started creating a problem. [Cop walks out of shot, toward Sandra.]

SB: You asked me what was wrong!

Cop: Do you have anything in your purse that’s illegal?

SB: Do I look like I have anything on me? This a fuckin’ maxi dress!

Cop: I’m removing  your glasses.

SB: This a maxi dress.

Cop: Come on over here.

SB: Fucking assholes. For a- you about to break my wrist! Can you STOP!? You are mother fuckin’ about to break my wrist! [Sandra makes sounds of pain.] STOOOPP!

Cop: [Sounds of struggle.] Stop! Now! Stop it!

Cop 2: Stop resisting, ma’am.

Cop: If you would stop then I would tell you!

SB: [In pain.] For a fucking traffic  ticket.

Cop: Now stop!

SB: [In pain.] You are such a pussy. You are such a pussy.

Cop 2: No, you are.

Cop: You were yankin’ around.

SB: [In pain.] For a traffic signal.

Cop: You were yankin’ around. When you pull away from me, you’re resisting arrest.

SB: This make you feel real good. This make you feel real good, don’t it? A female for a  traffic signal. For a traffic signal. I know that makes you feel good, officer.

Cop 2: I got her. I got her.

SB: I know it make you feel real good. You a real man now. You slam me, knock my head into the ground, I got epilepsy, you mother fucker.

Cop: Good. Good.

SB: I hope I-

Cop 2: You should have thought of that before you start resisting!

SB: Yeah, this is real good. Real good for a female. Yeah. Y’all strong, ooh. Y’all real strong.

Cop: I want you to wait right here. Wait right here.

SB: I can’t go nowhere with your fucking knee on my back. Duh.

Cop: [To Cop 2] I’m gonna open your door. [To man recording the brutality.] You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to leave.

SB: [inaudible] For a fucking traffic ticket.

Cop: For a warning. For a warning. You’re going to jail for resisting arrest. Stand up.

SB: If I could!

Cop: Roll over.

SB: I can’t even fuckin’ feel my arm!

Cop: Tuck your knee in.

SB: I can’t-

Cop: Listen, listen, you’re gonna sit up on your butt.

SB: You just slammed my head into the ground. Do you not even care about that?

Cop 2: He’s telling you to getup.

SB: I can’t even hear!

Cop 2: Yes you can.

Cop: Sit on your butt.

SB: You slammed my head into the ground.

Cop: Sit up on your butt.

SB: He threw my fucking head to the ground. What the hell?

Cop: Now stand up.