dead as a door nail

I WILL WORKOUT HARD AND HAVE A STRICT SCHEDULE OF WHEN I EAT AND WHAT.

SO, DURING THESE TEN DAYS,I WILL FAST GOR TWO DAYS, THEN EAT FOR ONE, THEN FAST FOR TWO.

I WILL ONLY EAT 150 CALS A DAY LIKE I WAS ORIGINALLY AND I WILL ONLY EAT FRUIT AND VEGGIES. NO CHOCOLATE. NO CAKE. NO BISCUITS. NO SUGARY DRINKS. NOTHING THAT WILL SET ME BACK ANY FURTHER.

I NEVER ACTUALLY DID MY MEASUREMENTS LAST TIME SO I'LL DO THAT ALSO.

Then, at the end of 10 days. I will weigh in, and measure again. If next to nothing has changed, then I'll do it for another ten days until I see visual RESULTS

It is going to take one whole month to lose all of this weight again. One slip up, and I'm right back here. It takes a minute to do damage, it takes what feels like a lifetime to fix it.

I WILL fix it. I WILL push hard. I WILL NOT be lazy. I WILL NOT BINGE. I WILL NOT SKIP A WORKOUT DAY. I WILL NOT SLEEP IN. I WILL NOT DO ALL THE THINGS THAT LEAD TO FAILURE LAST TIME.

Isn't it funny how over a weekend of poor eating, you can lose everything?

Isn't it funny how our mind tricks us into eating foods that we've refused?

Isn't it funny how I'm stuck in a rut, once again, feeding my feelings, heavier and fatter than ever?

Currently having a breakdown because not only do I have to learn 2 years of Math work in the span of less than a year, but also I have to get awards and achievements so I don't grow up to work in a check out the rest of my life.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending to be happy for the benefit of other people. I should just slit my wrists in this cubicle and get it over and done with.

At least the pain will go away. At least I won't have all of these thoughts in my head controlling what I eat and how much, or how many cuts I should put on my arms, or how many times I should dig my nails into my skin for punishment.

I can't do this. I'm not going to be successful. I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough.

Yesterday was the WORST I've ever been. So I bought light rye sandwich thins coz they're super yum and filling, and at only 108 cals! But, I still overate.

Apart from a few days ago, I haven't had bread for about 20 days. So naturally, I'm on my period and I want BREAD, of all things. I eat not one sandwich thins with avo and cucumber, but two extra ones with NOTHING ON THEM. NOTHING. NOT EVEN BUTTER OR CHEESE.

I let my binging get the better of me. It won't happen again.

So I GOT my period yesterday and naturally my body is going to force me to eat a little more than usual whether I like it or not, like last night. I didn't go over 500 cals, but I still felt a little down because I know this week is going to be rough and hard not to binge because hormones are a fucking bitch man.

I ate:

1 serving thin rice noodles

1 zucchini

2 button mushrooms

1 sandwich thins

3 cherry tomatoes

1/2 orange

3 tsps greek yogurt

1/4 cup broccolini

1/4 cup cauliflower

I put a fasting app on my phone because I want to try intermittently fast instead of just fasting for two days straight. I had school for the first time in two weeks today and so I can't just starve like I have been.

The fast started at 8:00 PM last night and ended at 1:35 PM today. It would have ended at 12:00 PM but I have recess at 11:30 and lunch at 1:30 at my school.

Here's what I had:

1/2 apple- 45 cals

Mini banana- 50 cals

1/2 orange- 35 cals

Less than 24 hour fast completed!

Breakfast:

Half a banana (the bananas I bought were like those kid size one's so they're teeny tiny ones, 25 cals)

7 raspberries- 8 cals

5 blue berries- idfk 7 cals?

2 tsp greek yogurt- 18 cals

Fast until dinner, which will be the stuffed sweet potato because I was really tired yesterday and didn't eat anything.