a schuyler daughter

               This client is looking to have us do business for their family, so the company put me in charge of looking at their finances, gathering their needs and interests, and seeing if I can piece together a plan of what to invest, save, and spend. I’m not doing it alone—I was assigned with this other girl, although to be honest I forgot her name. Or I never learned it. But in my defense, that’s probably just a defense mechanism from all they put me through, so I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll learn it soon enough, especially if we’re doing a case together.

               This may sound really dorky or whatever, but I’m excited…? I’ve never had a real life, important client I’ve been trusted (almost) fully to take care of, so it’s sorta a big deal. And a great distraction, since I can focus everything on them instead of replacing the oven. BUT I did call someone to take care of the walls, so that’s something. I did get the number from my mom, but I can only do so much. I never said I was fully fixed, or there’s nothing wrong. Things are just a little better, piece by piece.

               I have a meeting with the client at their home tomorrow, so I have a busy day ahead of me. I even had so much work today, I couldn’t stop for a celebratory drink! I guess I’ll have to settle with my coffee tomorrow, and get drinks on Friday. Build the suspense, I guess. Save up my drinks. This is probably the most work I’ve had since grad school, and I think it came at a great time. I have other stuff to do, but at least now I can justifiably ignore it.

               What I can’t ignore is living with Eliza. Again, I love my sister and I cherish seeing her every morning and evening, but I can’t be here forever. I know she loves her peace, her books, without having to hear my Netflix or try and live around piles of finance papers. That’s not what she deserves. I looked at places online today, and even though I have to know real estate prices for work, I still can’t believe what some people are getting away with! It’s so different looking at it as a consumer, instead of an investor, or consultant. Like, this is my money, I have to spend it wisely. And honestly, although the job pays great and I know I could always use help, that’s kinda the opposite of why I’m doing this. The job, the apartment, I think I need to learn some things for myself, so I have to move out.

               I don’t have any places lined up, so I’m not moving rn, but I’ve made my decision, and I’m sticking to it. Yes. I am. But I don’t know if it’s so smart to live alone—moving somewhere just to live alone again, I feel like I wouldn’t be helping myself. I think I want a roommate; I don’t know who, because I feel like a stranger would be scary, and I don’t know of anyone who’s looking for a roommate. And I don’t want to ask anyone, because then I’ll just seem needy or stupid again. Ugh.

               One step at a time though, right? I’ve decided to move to my own place, I’ll tell Mom and Dad before next week. Now I need to find a roommate, and get the apartment fixed so Dad can sell it. I hope he won’t be mad. I’ll explain to them—I have a reason why I’m doing this, I’ve thought it through. I’ve never been one for strong decisions, so it’ll be hard for them to get, but I hope they’ll agree. It’s in everyone’s best interest, right? I hope.

               My second day back on the job felt a weird mix of normal and other-worldly. Normal because it’s a job I’ve had since business school, but other-worldly because my fellow interns have continued their streak of cordiality towards me. Okay, I’m not complaining, but it’s not something I can jump right into. It’s almost like they’re gas lighting me…they were rude before, right? I know that they were, but this niceness right after I come back makes me wonder if they were always like this…

               No, no, that would be some M. Night Shyamalan shit. My only problem is that I’m not friends with any of them, so I can’t ask them why they’re acting like this. If I did, they could think I was being insincere and change back, worse than because they’d have actual reason to hate me. So I guess I’ll just have to keep guessing until I become best friends with one of them or someone snaps out of it and my work life returns to the cattiness it previously held.

               But enough about work. Besides the eeriness of having pleasant (not the right word, but I’m being hopeful) coworkers, it was a vanilla day, with vanilla work. I didn’t have to work too hard; not to say I didn’t do my work, it’s just, all the work I got wasn’t that hard. I guess that’s why I got it. I’ve officially been living with my sister for a week, which is probably one of the longest times we’ve lived together since she went to college and left me as the “only child” for 4 years. God, it’s so weird to think that was 12 years ago, I can still remember the first night without her.

               I was nine when Angelica went for school, but being totally separated from both my sisters was completely new. And tbh, I wasn’t the biggest fan at the get-go. I just felt so, away from them. Like they were off on this new part of their life, and I was still behind them, as I’d always be, hoping they’d come back. I know they would, but the littlest part of me, the part that came from having such amazing sisters, hated that I’d always be away, apart, behind whatever life they’d forged, just because I was younger.

               I’m not complaining about being the youngest. It was, is, great, I just, I feel like I missed out on stuff that Angelica and Eliza got to do, experience. They got to forge their own paths; Angelica more than Eliza, but Eliza still followed her dream of becoming a teacher, even if it made Mom and Dad a bit testy. And I feel like I didn’t get that; I feel like they did all the work for me, and that I didn’t have to do any of the discovering or living or whatever they did. Which is a dumb thing to complain about, since I feel like I’m complaining about having an easy life, I just, idk. Maybe I’d be more experienced if I wasn’t the youngest—maybe I wouldn’t do stupid stuff like burn cheese to charcoal. Maybe I’d have the courage to do things that I’ve always wanted to do.  Angelica and Eliza seem so happy, I want that. I just, I don’t know how to get it if I’ve missed all those opportunities.

               What I do know is I can’t stay at Eliza’s forever. I have to get someone to fix the walls, buy some curtains. I don’t know if I even want to live there anymore. Mom and Dad got it for me for Christmas; I secretly figured it was a thank you for taking on the business, but I’d never say that. And I don’t want to seem ungrateful—it’s a great place. But maybe moving would be a good thing. I could get a roommate, that way I’d never be alone, and I could have a friend. I’d have to pay rent, but that’s what grownups do, so it can’t be that bad. I think I’ll look at places during lunch tomorrow, see if there’s any a place to move into.

Today I went back to work, mentally preparing myself for whatever ignoring or passive aggression my coworkers wanted to throw at me. I didn’t get as far as my desk before someone asked “How was your weekend?” with enough genuine interest to convince me. And I didn’t even know this person!! Like, what kind of twilight zone had I entered into?

And it didn’t stop there—people actually talked to me throughout my day. Tish McEnroe actually asked me if I needed any help. This is the same 23 year old who asked if I could get my father to get a better coffee machine for the break room, because that one didn’t offer enough options. And then here she was, offering her assistance like she respected me or something.

At lunch, I tried to rationalize this craziness I walked into after my week-long “vacation,” but I couldn’t come up with any excuse for their behavior. My father, under no circumstances, would have told everyone what had happened, not even if asked. He’s never been a totally public, open person. I guess it’s a generational thing, or something you develop when you’re publicly wealthy, but he doesn’t talk about his personal life a lot. So they wouldn’t have found out about it that way. And no one I told works here, so they wouldn’t have spread it amongst the interns. The only thing they knew was that I wasn’t there; for all they knew, I could have been on an extravagant romp somewhere in Polynesia, or the Mediterranean. Not holed up in my sister’s apartment, slouching around until I could muster the will to change the circumstance.

Get this: the girl that called me Tuesday, the distraction that sorta caused the fire, along with my incompetence, thanked me. She walked up to me out of nowhere and said “I really appreciate what you did for me last week, you really saved my tail”. Aside from her use of the word “tail,” that was the most pleasant interaction I’ve had with my coworkers since I started working here.

So, I can’t figure out why suddenly they’re not complete jerks to me. My reaction to them has been pretty cautious—had it been someone else, somewhere else, some other time, maybe I would be more outwardly cordial. But I can’t get a grip on what’s going on, so I’m keeping my distance, trying not to get my hopes up. It’s not like they’re asking me out to drinks after work or anything, so there’s still some distance. Which I don’t hate—I think it would be too weird otherwise. Then I’d definitely feel like I was on some X-Files level suspicion.

The actual work itself wasn’t too bad either. We got a new client while I was gone, so I spent most of the day drawing up their contract to fit their specifications. Then I assisted a partner in visiting a different client (he said “house calls work better,” although I know my father disagrees). I didn’t feel like I had to fake anything, and I didn’t come home any different than when I woke up. I dunno what’s happening, but having a day where I achieved and was thoroughly surprised did me some good. I can go to bed happy.

Before you ask, no, I didn’t talk to John. I just, I was trying to ride the high, and I don’t want to burden him with anything. If I feel okay now, maybe it isn’t that big of a deal. I probably shouldn’t even bother him with it, he’s busy anyway. The newspaper and the wedding and everything—he should focus on that, not me.  

               The beginning of my day was what it usually is—sleep until 11, brunch, take a shower. But because I made the plan to get some air yesterday, I had to stick to it. I feel like if I don’t, I’m never going to get better, everything’s still going to seem pointless. So I got dressed and started walking. I had no real plan for where I was going, either because I didn’t bother to plan or I didn’t know where I wanted to go, so I just took the left out of Eliza’s building.

               I was walking in a straight line for a while, but then I started to make a little game of it. I’d count my steps, and if the number was even when I got to the end of the block, I’d go right, and vice versa. I would walk in the direction of things that seemed interesting, like when I walked towards this pet store that was having a dog adoption. Technically it was their balloons that caught my eye, but regardless I ended up playing with this Dalmatian for 10 minutes before I figured I either had to adopt it or leave—and I have no place for a dog right now, even if it was as adorable as that one.

               I thought about going to John’s place, but this walk seemed to be getting me out of my head, and I didn’t want to have to rehash everything. I want to talk to him, no, I need to talk to him, just, not now. Tomorrow after work, Tuesday even. That can be my new goal: talk to John before the week ends. I don’t know why I’m avoiding doing it. He’s my best friend, I just, haven’t gotten around to it. Maybe there isn’t a reason, it’s so inconsequential. Yep, that’s it, nothing else.

               Despite it feeling like 666°F, the walk was pretty nice. I actually got ice cream, chocolate dipped with sprinkles, if you were wondering. It was /so/ good, I almost got a second one. Okay, I got a second one. But what’s important is that I didn’t get a third one. Right? I think I was out for like 3 hours, but it felt longer as I was going. In a good way—I didn’t feel like I was wasting my time or burdening someone. I just felt like a person, doing normal, chill, person stuff. I didn’t think about the fire or my shortcomings. I thought about my ice cream and puppies and how frickin’ hot it was, but that was a regular thing to worry about.

               When I think about that other stuff, I just feel so, disconnected. Like, who wants to hear about that? Nobody can relate, and I don’t want to just be monologuing to someone, but I can’t stop it, so I’m like, stuck. I’m supposed to be fun and happy and now I’m not so much and I don’t know what to do about it. Like, I can try to fake it but people can tell what’s real and what’s not. And when I fake it, I just put another wall between me and them, so I’m hurting more than I’m helping.

               Which is why I want to stop this. I want to stop feeling like this, go back to being happy Peggy. Happy Peggy doesn’t put off talking to her best friend, or burden her sisters. Or, if she does, she doesn’t have to think about it. Is it good that I don’t have to think about it when I’m happy? Or is that the problem? God, it feels like I’m in some labyrinth and the answer to one question just leads me to another.

Maybe being around myself, and having no one else there isn’t the best thing for me. Maybe I need people to be with, maybe that’s just how I am. That may make me dependent, but I don’t know what else to do. The people in my life, Angelica, Eliza, John, Alex, Thomas, Maria, George, I like being around them. Honestly, I can’t picture a life that doesn’t involve me talking to them every day. I know, that may sound childish or whatever, but that’s how I feel. These people make me happy, they make me think that I can be better than I am now. And I can’t live without experiencing that. I’m not perfect. I can’t cook or clean. I have a hard time planning parties—I don’t know what they require. I don’t think of everyone’s situation all the time. I don’t know as much about the world around me as I should. And when I’m the only one around myself, I don’t have any way of knowing these traits aren’t good things to possess. So why am I shutting myself off from the rest of the world? I don’t think that’ll make me feel better.

This fire wasn’t a good thing, there’s no way to spin it. I stopped going to work, put pressure on Eliza, cut myself off from my friends, my family. But it made me look at what puts me in the wrong. I couldn’t ignore it after I epically failed. There are things about myself that make me feel like there’s something bad about me, and I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I don’t know what to do with these bad qualities, but at least I know I have them. Maybe I’ll find a solution tomorrow or Monday. I’d like one quickly, but I guess I can’t rush healing.

I’m not saying I feel 100% better, back to my old self. I don’t know when I’ll be back to old Peggy, Peggy 1.0, Classic Peg. Okay, I just read this over—apparently “I don’t know” a lot of things right now. For the record, I don’t think I ever did, I think I’m just now realizing it. But I think I know some things that might put me back into the swing of things. I need to go back to work. As much as they hate me, I can’t just sit around—I need something to do. And I need to talk to everyone again. Maybe I need to take my mind off of me, maybe I can change the topic in my head and focus all on the wedding or Eliza’s love life. Or maybe I need to focus on myself, talk about myself to someone, as much as that might suck. That could be the right thing to do. There’s a lot of hypotheticals here, but one’s oughta work. I can’t be far off—right? God, I hope I’m right.

When I was in middle school, my mom told me that it takes me longer to understand some things. She said it more eloquently, but that was the gist. And I guess that’s true. Maybe it’s gonna take me longer to figure out myself than it takes other people. I just don’t know how to keep up.

              Eliza’s the best, as always, but her being around just makes me feel even worse about myself. She’s being too helpful and understanding, and aaahhh it’s so hard. I feel like I shouldn’t complain, but if I don’t complain I don’t know what’ll happen. Should I express myself or just hope I get better? I haven’t gone to work since Tuesday; Dad told me everything was fine, that I should just feel better, but I don’t think I can miss more of work. I don’t miss the people, but I can’t just sit here. Maybe working will give me some sort of purpose, however small. Highlighting, editing, observing, it might keep my mind off of some things. And maybe my coworkers won’t be such dicks.

               I’ve been at Eliza’s place, sleeping on her couch, also since Tuesday. I love my sister, more than I can express sometimes, but I don’t know how she keeps everything in line. She pays her bills, goes to work, comes back happy, cooks dinner—I don’t think I realized how happy a person can be until I got to see her leave and come back with a good attitude. I don’t think I’m like that. I think I ease into it; wake up good, leave okay, work okay, come back eh, go to bed happy. It could be a lot of things, but I made a list of things at work I can look forward to, just to see if I can be happy like her:

Seeing Dad at work

Using my degree

Helping the client

Keeping the money in its place

Conference room food

I didn’t dig deep for these, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Good ‘cuz it means I know there’s good parts to my job, but bad ‘cuz I didn’t want to dig too deep. Hm. I don’t know if I feel better or worse, I think I’m just in a state of neutrality. This might be the longest I’ve gone without talking to people. No thoughts on it yet.

I should call the insurance company, or buy paint, or whatever else I’m forgetting because I know nothing about living alone (obviously), but I don’t know when I’m going to do that. Tomorrow? Sunday? It all depends. My mood’s being really pedulum-y lately, it kinda depends what I’m feeling for me to do something. Oh, I do have a thought on the talking to people! I like it right now because I don’t have to watch myself, trying not to say things that might change things with people in my life. Like, I’d hate for Alex to think of me as mopey or stupid, and by me not talking to him, he doesn’t have any firsthand knowledge to think that. I think I hurt Maria’s feelings, God, I should have just thanked her for trying to help me and accepted it. Why wouldn’t I? Less work for me, the same as it’s always been. Since I met her I thought she was so strong and great, and when I get my chance to show her we could be more than bar acquaintances, I blow it with self-pity. Adding that to the Peggy’s Failures List.

I think I’m going to watch The Silver Linings Playbook until I fall asleep or my phone dies. I don’t know what my Saturday’s going to be like, I just hope I feel better. Or less awful. Either one would be a win, tbh, at this point.

★ Peggy’s Failures ★

Burned cheese so bad it started fire

Ruined Eliza’s 30th party

Doesn’t know how to cook or clean

Blew it with Maria