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@peekadora
Mikhail Vrubel (Russian, 1856–1910) • Rose in a Glass • 1904
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"It would have been easier if you'd just said yes."
original
Male writers writing female characters:
“Cassandra woke up to the rays of the sun streaming through the slats on her blinds, cascading over her naked chest. She stretched, her breasts lifting with her arms as she greeted the sun. She rolled out of bed and put on a shirt, her nipples prominently showing through the thin fabric. She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards.”
‘ She breasted boobily to the stairs, and titted downwards’ is the greatest fucking sentence I have ever read.
THE ORIGINAL??
dr who’s on first, doctor strange is on second and doctor house is on third. theres no way theyre getting through a single inning
so who’s on first?
That’s right 👍🏻
that’s strange
No, he’s on second.
Well how’s he on second if he’s on first?
No no no, House is on third. Second base is Strange.
Well this whole darn thing is strange but what I’m asking is who’s on first?
Naturally.
Naturally.
So Naturally is the first baseman?
No. The first baseman is Who.
Well I don’t know that so how’s about you tell me?
House is on Third.
I’m not asking you about third base I’m asking you about first base.
Who’s on first!
This is horrible
Dr Horrible is the pitcher, not first base
That’s not what I’m asking about! No!
Dr No is in the outfield, but let’s not worry about them right now.
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"I'm so sick of sports movies that follow the conventions that make it a sports movie!" says Ino Bettranyone, the director and producer of an upcoming film about your favorite historical baseball player.
"I mean, what's with those helmets that batters wear? It's so unfashionable. Those have got to go. And those pants are so restrictive. I'm going to show that the protagonist is a rebel and an independent thinker by having them wear cut-off jeans and run to third base instead of going to first. They'll also have waist-length free-flowing hair that they never tie up when the run."
"What? No, of course I didn't read up anything about sports history or the rules of baseball."
(Yes, this is satire about how the makers of period dramas sometime completely dismiss the social constraints and conventions of that era that make period dramas interesting, and you know, true to the time period.)
i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it
Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”
Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”
@sineala
#iiiiiiiiiiiiii mean vulcans had been watching humans for a long time#they knew the significance of a handshake but still#they had to find some fast and loose ambassador#willing to fuckin make out with a human for the sake of not offending them on first contact#lmao#star trek give me the story of this fast and loose vulcan
“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”
*prolonged silence* “oh my…”
“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”
*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”
Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”
The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.
Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:
I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.
Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.
actual footage of first contact makeouts
The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.
That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.
I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.
No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”
And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.
Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.
#somehow the idea of vulcans being Horny On Main always gives me the giggles#like literally all they had to do#was be like actually#hand contact is very intimate for our species#and im p sure humanity as a whole would not find that insurmountably weird#there are human cultures that dont shake hands#vulcans are logical enough to think that through on their own#so clearly that vulcan was just down to fuck#down to fuck in a public#professional diplomatic situation no less#and he did not fucking care who knew it (via kittykatthetacodemon)
Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture
Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job
This is my favourite Star Trek post, complete with headcanons, corrections, the truth coming out of her well to shame Spock even. Seriously perfect fandom work.
They could have explained none of it and responded to the offered hand with a polite bow. First contact was gonna be with the guy who proved they were technologically ready for it but any human aware of Japan and China would recognise that
thinking about Brad Dourif in "Istanbul" and the fact is Grima Wormtongue would have gotten away with it forever if they'd let him be hot. with better hair he could've run that horse girl country into the ground for decades. eomer would've been like "dang, seems like my uncle is a very bad king for no reason, oh well." pretty privilege grima wormtongue could have girlbossed middle earth into the flames of mordor
hot grima wormtongue: lmao look who's here. late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear. láthspell i name him, ill news, and ill news is an ill guest
riders of rohan: i don't know he seems right for some reason. i just agree with him because his argument is so sound. gandalf you should leave
‘beyond the scope of this paper’ is a dear friend to me. I Am Not Fucking Talking About That
"Look I can stay on track or this paper can be three times as long, your choice."
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there are places in the world today that are experiencing 40°C for the first time in recorded history. of course there's no way to know whether chucking billionaires into volcanos will appease the sun god but i feel we're doing the scientific method a disservice if we don't at least try
Witness my Act and Deed (1882) by British painter Frank Paton
Thinking about the "the beams of our house are cedar and the rafters fir," and what I love about that line. I tend to read Barney as a bit less in love here; I think he likes Valancy very much, and is grateful to her for how she treated Cissy, but he wouldn't necessarily have proposed marriage to her if she hadn't asked him first.
But the talk on the trip back to the island shows that he's willing to go all-in for her; he's not just "being a brother," as she said. He's welcoming her into his life and home completely, and, having agreed to marry her, he's committing. I think it works as a nudge to the reader, but it's also a character moment for Barney; it tells us that he's taking Valancy's love for him seriously.
For new readers who weren’t raised as churchy as I was (good for you btw!) “the beams of our house are cedar and the rafters fir” is a line from Song of Solomon, a book in the Bible that is straight up porn. For real it’s just a very horny poem featuring graphic descriptions of oral sex and penetrative sex and a naked couple etc etc etc. It’s lowkey WILD for Barney to be quoting it here imo.
It is the sex book of the Bible, but it's also the "idealized romantic/marital love" book! Different sects of Christianity (and, I think, Judaism, though I'm not as familiar) disagree on what interpretations you can put on Song of Solomon, but it's pretty widely agreed that it's a depiction of what romantic/sexual love is supposed* to look like. It doesn't jump out at me as an odd quote, because, even today, it's not unusual to see quotes from Song of Solomon on wedding invitations ("My beloved is mine, and I am his**;" "many waters cannot quench love;" etc.).
Emily quotes it, in Emily of New Moon, when she tells Aunt Elizabeth that her father's God is "clear as the moon, fair as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners –" that specific verse is describing the woman in the song, but it's not unheard-of to read the book as describing Christ's relationship with the Church, and plenty of hymns pull from it. (I think we talked about "over the hills where spices grow" in a previous book club?) "His Banner over Me is Love" is one of those hymns that shows up in a lot of hymn-books and mostly consists of quotes from Song of Solomon. P. G. Wodehouse has a story about a cat that opens with a very light-hearted reference to the opening verses.
So, yes, if you didn't grow up with this context: there are implications, but this is still something you could say in public without shocking people too much. And it drives home that Barney sees this relationship as a good thing. You wouldn't reference this book of the Bible in connection with, say, a toxic relationship you were trying to get out of.
*disclaimer that I can't speak for all of Christianity, and, not being Jewish, I certainly can't speak for all of Judaism. Carry on.
**I've heard my mother use this quote when talking about my father.
“lol Arthur Conan Doyle clearly didn’t know anything about drugs. Sherlock Holmes did cocaine but it calmed him down. That’s not how cocaine works!”
There are two options: Arthur Conan Doyle had never met someone addicted to cocaine or he met some with ADHD who was addicted to cocaine
#you cannot convince me sherlock 'i don't see a use for this common knowledge i shall forget it immediately' holmes wasn't adhd as hell #sherlock 'if i have nothing to do for a day i will literally start shooting the walls out of boredom' holmes #sherlock 'i have built a perfect wax replica of myself - why? iunno' holmes
He specifically took drugs when he didn't have a case to occupy himself, that man was ADHD as fuck
ACD was a practicing doctor and ship's surgeon during the period where cocaine was routinely used as medicine and described by medical journals as "the blessed instrument of Christ," so not only is there exactly zero chance that he'd never met anyone addicted to cocaine, he also almost certainly administered cocaine to people.
It's also definitely not a stretch at all to say he'd probably met people who self-medicated with cocaine to deal with what we'd now call ADHD. Like, the second ever Sherlock Holmes story begins with Watson protesting Holmes' overuse of cocaine, and Holmes replying that he needs it to deal with his overactive brain -- it's entirely plausible that ACD had had that exact conversation with someone or multiple someones.
Like, the man had been a ship's surgeon. On a whaling ship. The number one place in Victorian times to find men who either couldn't get or couldn't hold down work elsewhere. He was almost certainly extremely familiar with a pretty broad spectrum of neurodivergence and self-medication thereof, even if medical science didn't yet have the terminology to apply to it.
Not only did ACD probably have this conversation with someone in real life, he clearly knew and understood how dangerous cocaine was.
At a time when cocaine was regularly administered by other doctors, Doyle wrote Watson to have a clear aversion and dislike of the drug and understood that it was bad for you. It’s written as a clear indication that Sherlock, despite all his brilliance and genius, is still a human being who can make very bad decisions for himself.
Not only that, but Watson does ultimately win and gets Sherlock off of his addition to cocaine in the end. It takes him a while, but Sherlock is weened off the drug and this is seen as a good thing for everyone involved. In fact in a later story Watson comes home and sees a needle and fears that Sherlock might’ve had a relapse (he didn’t, the needle was just being used for something else involving a case).
Doyle knew what he was doing. He wasn’t writing it as an endorsement or as an indication that Sherlock knew better than Watson. It’s made very clear in the books that Sherlock is highly limited in a lot of ways that Watson is not. Watson was a skilled physician and both he and ACD knew cocaine was not good for someone like Holmes.
Conan Doyle was hyperfixated on history and very mad his excited infodumping historical fiction didn't get the attention the Holmes stories did. He wrote bestselling serialized novels and short stories (that all tend to follow a specific structure) while full time practicing medicine, and by all accounts had a Holmes-like way of Noticing Fucking Everything.
He had a clear disdain for social convention while understanding deeply how to conform to it in order to survive; a lot of Holmes' deductions actually depend on assumptions about typical human behavior in a given situation rather than physical evidence alone. It's the kind of encyclopedic conscious knowledge of unwritten social rules you might develop in order to mask successfully.
He was almost certainly neurodivergent himself. There's a reason classic Holmes fans tend to be Like That. Game recognize game.
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HOUSE OF THE DRAGON 3.01 - Salt and Sea, Fire and Blood
3 arrows… I’m getting Robb flashbacks.
