here is my shithead brother post. i'm sorry it's so long LMAO
okay so a summary of what to me is going on here is that war is like. a cheetah stuck in an otherwise empty box with one of those cheetah therapy dogs who 1) hates him 2) isn't trained for this and 3) needs another, separate therapy dog at bare minimum. like mage is like. idc you can gnaw your own leg off if it makes you feel better. war experiences emotions that harm him and doesn't deal with them and mage's only reaction is like. skill issue (←worse). also neither of them signed up for this in any way.
so i think war has like. hm. the mindset of: tools don’t matter, ultimately. processes are just a means to an end and only matter in the moment, until you’re done with them. and if you happen to be someone or something that’s a tool then your only concern is efficiency. and if you break, that is at once incidental and also a skill issue. you aren’t supposed to do that. if it happens perhaps reconsider. because you are for your purpose. and as long as you can fill that hole what problems could there be. and i think how mage is with this is another thing that maybe pisses war off, because he doesn’t even like. have any goals, right? you’re supposed to be DOING something. what’s even the point of you if you aren’t doing something. there’s supposed to be a cause. the reason you are having problems is because you’re just randomly flailing around. have you thought about getting it together and being responsible for once in your life.
but i think. because. something something koholint. mainly. like. i don’t think…. mage isn’t relegating himself to the tool shelf. also. instead of legitimately actually doing whatever the way war probably thinks he is. it's not only that most things aren’t mage's business (in the way of meaning he doesn't think he really has any automatic right/cause to involve himself the way war probably thinks he does). it's that if he makes things his business. he will. in some way. every time. be responsible for some portion of what happens. and. perhaps. do badly. under that burden. or have no options available but bad options, that he will then have a hand in. and be responsible for. far safer to just be a resource or a tool that people can ask for or use as they need or see fit. and then that's. just helpful. if he's just helping people do/be better in the things they want to do or will be doing anyway. then. he can't be hurting anything. surely. right? it isn’t his fault. so isn't that best? isn't that the answer? doesn't there have to be an answer? doesn't it have to be that? if it's not that, what else is there? he's tried other answers and he's fucked them up. or they fucked him up. or they were just fucked up. there has to be an answer for What To Do When You Are Weirdly Powerful Compared To Everyone Else,, and So Far,,,,,, this one. hasn't obviously bitten him. so.
war: why won't you step up and take the responsibility that you clearly both HAVE the ability to take and not only that but that people would be GLAD to give you AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT WOULD DO WELL WITH. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BEAT AND/OR SHAKE OR TRICK THIS SHIT OUT OF YOU CAN YOU NOT SIMPLY BE USEFUL WHEN PEOPLE NEED YOU. AS IS RIGHT AND PROPER.
and mage is just like. no. lol. teehee even.
but also like. hey. hey war: yeah. why WON'T he do that. when he can. when he doesn't mind helping. when he does like being of use. when in fact unless interacted with/pushed/influenced he doesn't do much on his own. why is that. but i do think aside from this whole thing requiring war to actually care about mage’s motivations there’s the fact that it gets too close to something like self reflection. so that’s never getting resolved LMAO.
also personally i think the only thing mage has truly mastered or really has going on is the fumble. imo. it's like. you smack a poker face over it so no one can see what you're thinking or feeling. but what's going on under there. to me. is mostly a constant and lifelong and unending mantra. of just like. "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck".
BUT. if no one can see that. and if you do literally nothing but stick the landing. if you stumble flailingly through just by sheer ability to Make It Work with no outward sign of the frantic haphazard adjustments you have to make just throwing yourself in head first. then it looks like you're a miracle. you can do whatever. you can handle whatever. and it's not even strictly untrue. because as long as you fumble everything: mostly you can handle the fumble. it's all you've ever known. there was no growing out of it or avoiding it. and like, sometimes pure bad luck just bites you in the ass, because regardless of the level of detail in any plan, or the existence of any plan at all, there's always that chance. and so like, on that note: why bother. anything can happen at any time and eventually it probably will. you can't really prepare for everything. so if what you can do is make sure that you are, 99% of the time, able to nail the dismount no matter how severe the swan dive off the deep end is— on the face of it, your odds are just as good if not better than they would be if you spent your time on other skills and preparations. you just learn to balance on the banana peel when you slip on it, and instead of looking where you're going or trying to avoid it, you can usually just slide right through. and on top of it being 1) objectively the funniest and most absurd strategy 2) practical in its own way. no one expects the spanish inquisition 3) looking sick as hell, it leaves you all the time you want for anything else. it’s economical.
and like. sure. yeah. theoretically, it's not like you're any more open to bad luck than you would be otherwise. especially if you truly have mastered any fumble. you just roll out of it. you shake it off. you dodge. it may be driving a car into a wall, but you're the stunt driver steering. it’s what you do.
so. but. however. the thing about that is that when things do go insurmountably sideways. it's several magnitudes worse than it would have been if you just, like, walked into the mess like a normal person. and if you can avoid The Consequences nearly every time, great. but: bad luck can find you anywhere. at any time. anything can happen whenever. and eventually it will. and you're risking it every single time. and even with 99% odds of being good, eventually even that becomes a bad gamble.
so in line with that. i think that people misunderstanding mage is something that just happened/continues to happen SO often that he's decided on some level like. well. if this is how it's going to be™️. i refuse to have it not be a decision i've made/a joke i'm actively making. rather than an isolating obstacle i can do not that much... perhaps nothing….. about. and he so he leans into turning it into a bit really hard. and now it is one. but it also kind of isn't. like if he was doing it entirely on purpose he would be in control of the narrative, and be more clear on what people were thinking of him, because he would be making them think things on purpose. but since it's basically more like deflection it's like. no one has any idea what's going on here. And WORSE. none of them care also. how can they??? he doesn’t care. he doesn’t allow anyone else close enough to notice there’s that gap. and because the disparity is by its nature extremely ignorable, he doesn’t always entirely know where whatever he is actually hits the brick wall of misunderstanding/straight up misinformation either. like, the difference between someone interacting with Him as a person and The Hero of his reputation can’t in these circumstances really exist. so there largely is no Him, really. and there’s not really a way for anyone else to notice this. and he probably wouldn’t either.
and then with war this happens also except it’s more deliberate on his part. intentionally erasing the concept of Him while leaning into the hero label. do not ask him personal questions or attempt to get to know him as an individual. we absolutely don’t have any time or reason for any of that. that’s not what he’s for. he has better things to do.
and SO the thing about them is. you are a guy who did what you're supposed to do, right. like. more or less. surely. or anyway the task is over and you're the one who ended it, for now. only it's still not REALLY over because you're that guy. right. like, even if everything else around The Whole Thing is gone, there's still you, and everyone knows what that means: you are the guy that can do things people ask you to. and it doesn't matter if that's actually like, People, or if it's The Powers Over The World Themselves, or just random chance throwing the things in front of you, right. if something is set in front of you, you're kind of just meant to take care of it. and you can. so you do. like, what else is there. isn't that the whole point of you.
and then there's this other guy suddenly. and he sucks. he's annoying and he goes about everything wrong and he almost has to be making life difficult for everyone including himself On Purpose because, well, LOOK at him. and then you're looking at him and you're thinking sometimes. hm. well. wait a second.
I JUST THINK. in this relationship of evil friends who hate each other. somehow. there would be a little more room for honesty/solidarity than would be expected. and also! that it wouldn't change anything. if it did it wouldn't happen anymore!! it does not help. it doesn't mean anything. it's just like. huh. anyway,, and it's left dead in the water
this is a guy that hates you and nothing means anything to him. and it can't. if anything changes 1) first of all fuck that guy. no. never back down never give up no quarter no mercy no surrender 2) well if it's different it won't be the same. and that's not allowed. for no reason. this is not an important relationship. it barely deserves the word,, and also it is not going to shift at all ever.
paradoxically trusting this guy who hates you with moments that would not under any other circumstances see the light of day because he will do and say and think nothing of it on purpose. because he hates you. obviously. if he's shitty or picks a fight with you about anything actually ! this is preferable. because that response is 1) typical. business as usual. standard interaction. and therefore 2) really easy to deal with and move on from. yes yes we know the procedure blah blah blah let's just put a line through it and call it a day. like if you are insane. you're totally 100% safe with a guy that hates you. right.
like first of all it's mutually assured destruction with emotions. like even if he's worried about you even if he might WANT to Say Something to you or be like. hey,,,,, , he can't. because he hates you. and also like. you don't know that guy. you don't even LIKE that guy. you have known him for five minutes and you will know him for five more minutes and then he will fuck off forever, as it should be.
secondly it's like. he thinks very little of you. he expects nothing of or from you. you cannot disappoint him he cannot be betrayed by you, or you by him. there is nothing that you can do or say to sway his opinion of you even a little. there is no lower for you to go. he will never change his mind or behavior towards you remotely at all……. and so you are safe with this guy. it doesn't matter what he sees you do or say or think or be because he hates you. you can do anything you like or anything you Have To and this guy will just like. hate you. you cannot really make his opinion of you any worse than it already gets from you just existing in his vicinity. pretty much anything he says about you means nothing because everyone knows you have absurd beef going on. so 95% of the time it has no impact whatsoever no matter like. how significant it might be otherwise. he won't think about you because he hates you. he won't talk about you because he hates you. and even if he does everyone else will be like. 9_9 okay. whagever. anyway,
and, also, look, here's the most important thing: he will eat glass before being even a LITTLE bit nice to you. and so will you. and you are NOT going to be the one who bites it first, thanks. it's not happening. from the bottom of your heart: FUCK. that GUY. forever.
like. the thing about mage and war is that they are similar and deal with things actually very similarly and i DO think to some extent mage looks and war and is like. ah. well. there but for whimsy and a sense of humor goeth i. hahaha. NOT. but could u imagine. actually in fact i can imagine. i’m going to stop thinking about this
and i think war is 0% aware of this at all forever. but i think that eventually it does haunt mage. and so he's like. gods i wish i could hate this guy. at times i do. also, though, like. for fuck's sake.
mage looking in a distorted funhouse but more actually businessman mirror at certainly a dysfunctional fucked up kind of guy of all time. which he definitively isn't Not: there's no fixing either of us really but i am SO extremely capable of being annoying about this. and so i must be. morally.
i also do think that it's sort of like— on top of redirecting war's attention a lot of the time to himself, who war can't/won't really be able to do anything to— kind of an Anxiety Sniping strategy. like. mage: please for the love of the gods. maybe if you're given a material problem in front of you (hi) you'll calm down.
anyway i think war does actually understands mage reasonably well. like. outside of certain blindspots caused by his own issues. but also still not as well as he could if he wasn't 1) paranoid in his nervous bird He's Planning Something He's Out To Get Me way. like. dedicated sort of to interpreting everything he does in the least favorable/most intentional/Fully Deliberate And Thought And Planned Out Way Possible and 2) just like not particularly interested in paying attention to anybody outside of what they are or could be useful for [/to him] or how they are or may be harmful/disruptive (to him/his [assigned] duty/etc). i think war gets like. 50-60% of mage. as a person. which by normal standards is almost respectable/kind of okay and by the mage understander grading system is actually in the exceeding expectations tier.
also on that note i mostly treat war being scared of mage as a joke but i do think being among 9 other people with individually and certainly collectively nonzero chances of flattening him who basically universally do not like him, and mage specifically being in there and theoretically able to essentially disintegrate him at will while also deciding more or less on sight that it's On Sight re: torment at bare minimum is like. genuinely unfun for him in a way that i think mage wouldn't like and that war probably would never admit to or acknowledge but is. idk really equivalent to a guy with a knife playing i'm not touching you. like i do think playing/teasing is good for war. and i don't think he's actually materially worried about Being Harmed w any of them or mage specifically most of the time. it’s just also because of The Way That He Is i think it IS additionally a little bit like a kid gently poking a caterpillar with a stick to make it ooze goo and being like hehe :^) meanwhile war the caterpillar is going What Kind Of Sick Powerplay Is This/if i pretend to bleed at this obvious attack then the predator will think i'm weak/sick and/or icky and i live to fight another day. like. idk, i don't think this is something he's necessarily consciously worried about, just. the Surrounded By Enemies Who Can/Will Attack At Any Moment feeling is probably There and raising his stress levels a variable percentage at all times. and he's playing dead about it. like i'm sure it's also legitimately him on purpose going well if i just let them roll over me sometimes my life will be easier and also when i Don't let them do that they'll be more likely to go Oh Whoa I've Hit A Brick Wall(?) and act accordingly. or using nonsense to distract from any scheming he has going on even. but under that. i feel. is a possum surrounded by friendly but very rambunctious dogs and also a few cats capable of extreme malice. animal experiencing fear. u get me.
like a “this is very smart and calculated of me” moment but he's literally just nervous. and also being manipulative. but under that is the nervous. an incomprehensible pointedly unpredictable magic man who explicitly kind of hates him is like. yeah. yikes. just a little.
i think if war like really genuinely understood that mage is mostly a nice guy usually, and just started tormenting him specifically because of something something bad experiences. he would be able to work his way out of the clowning zone more effectively. he's really shooting himself in the foot by just being like. we are so different and those differences are all obviously irreconcilable based on how much we automatically dislike each other. nothing can be done about this it would be too much work. it's like. guy accustomed to touching a hot stove touches something warm and immediately retreats 6 feet away and does not come back. does not attempt to adjust the temperature or even check it further. absolute zero w conflict resolution skills from the court poisoning. honestly really abysmal social skills generally outside of that either deeply petty or deeply high stakes backstabbing.
anyway it's just like. THEY COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS. FOR REAL. but mage simply does not care about most things enough (including himself. lol) to get invested in anything he does ever or like. think about any of it very hard even. and war just assumes every negative. not even interaction, just, like, reaction? Means Something. and also means that something forever. and flags it as Watch Out without ever considering that sometimes people feel bad things and then get over it or change their minds, and this is the kicker, for literally or perhaps no real/apparent reason. rules of engagement state that a surrender must be clearly signaled and acknowledged you see.
the mortifying ordeal of thinking like "man if only i were in some way other than how i am" sometimes and then meeting an equally frustrating and confounding person who IS like you but also all the things you aren't and HE SUCKS. HES NOT EVEN ANY BETTER........... you hate that guy even more. for being you in the opposite direction and not even doing anything constructive with it. can you fucking believe this guy. UNBELIEVABLE. ALL THAT AND YOU STILL SUCK!!!!
also this doesn't have anything to do with these two particularly but here's a note from rock bottom's notes that i think is kind of funny and. i dunno not entirely unrelated. because war is the way he is all the time
war when he gets siblings against his will: affection has nothing to do with me. anyway i'll be doing functionally nothing about this. since i have no other choice. obviously.
also another deleted bit from the end of ch4. when the fic was slightly different. that i also have not edited and will not be fixing the phrasing on:
Here is a thought War has had exactly once— newly gods-chosen, standing above the first body he'd made— a whirlwind of a child who could cut down foes as easily as he snarled at War behind him— quite literally in the shadow of a calm, fiercely intelligent older warrior whose temper seemed nonexistent when faced with any monster other than him— rising up in the company of fellow buried things: perhaps an essential part of being a hero is becoming something unfathomably frightening. ← this re: 1) being kind of legitimately scared of mage a little somewhere in his bird instincts and also 2) leading to war cultivating his own very practical ruthlessness/bloodthirstiness and also him being like 3) WHY ARE YOU LIKE THAT. ALL THE WAYS THAT YOU ARE AND YOURE LITERALLY INTENTIONALLY A JOKE. ← idk think about it maybe. do YOU really Want the hero to be something scary. what would u do if u felt u had a say in the matter. what would you have WANTED to see in The Hero then. could it have been some whimsy maybe. some joy. i dunno probably not but it would have still been comforting i bet.
anyway. obsessed with these guys. #1 insane person about this dynamic specifically
