Peasant Eater.

Hi, I have been thinking. For I guess, the longest time. I don't think we can be friends anymore. I hate it so much. I hate the person I am, the person I become. I hate the way that I am when I am around you. So unguarded, like a deer in headlights. Unsure of what to do next, if I run away, I'll never see you again but if I stayed there, I'll be the one who gets hurt the most. I was learning to let you love me- even as a friend but I have too many flaws that I dislike that I don't think you'd wanna stick around for.

And I know- I can't speak for you because you'll just keep telling me otherwise but I believe it. I just don't feel it from you. I mean I do, but it's so conflicting. I hate being confused but certain. We're too different. We're living two different lives that I for some reason am just so jealous of not being able to be a part of.

I know you said to give it time- because we have so much to figure out together and individually. But I don't know if with that time given to me, you will still choose me. I fear it so much. I keep thinking and for some reason I want to believe that you hate me. Or that you eventually will. I'm just too difficult to deal with. I am too much and you know it.

I am scared. Scared that I will love you too much it will kill you. Scared that my inability to not indulge in my flaws will anger you. Scared that your eyes will wander at others who have things I don't. Both looks and personality. I am so little of what I actually am. I am insignificant.

Even with all this, I don't even want you to say, "Okay I understand, take care." I want you to fight for me. And God, it's so infuriating to push you away and pull you right back. I fight with myself and my demons and my desires.

My mind is a warzone I cannot win. And I don't want you to stand in the middle of the battlefield and risk you getting hurt because I know your frustration with me will stop everything everywhere all at once. I know I have to live with myself for the rest of my life but you don't have to. And that's the blessing. That's why I'm trying to make you leave yet tell me you're here. I want you near.