pazzi devotee

something about thousands of fans screaming, dancing, and syncing the rhythm of their heart to the beat of your music controls your insides in a way you can’t anticipate. walking offstage, it never feels over. the crowd howling and clapping and pleading, the crazy thrill of endorphins and pumping blood and sore throats– the buzz lingers, rushes delightfully from throat to fingertip to gut to knees. it begs for release. 

which, of course, was just great. because paige was hundreds of miles away in miami, balling out and making women wet or whatever they did at unrivaled, and azzi was in stupid brooklyn.

every show, as soon as her feet hit the backstage floor, she imagined paige rounding the corner so she could jump her bones. and, of course, paige wasn’t there, because she had a real-life job with real-life responsibilities. 

so every show, azzi felt wildly pent up down and wildly let down. 

it solidified in azzi’s mind what she already knew; the fact that she had hundreds of beautiful women around her at all times, had dozens of chances to let herself run amok, but she only wanted paige– 

on an unrelated note, the shit with her mother was dying down. for about two weeks after it happened, azzi had been sick to her stomach. she’d completely ignored everything related to it as much as she could, which paige had called “unhealthy avoidance” but which she called “being resourceful”. 

the plus of being famous was that she had a publicist, a pr team, and a manager, and they bore the brunt of dealing with magazines, websites, and social media. it helped azzi find solace in her everyday, able to ignore the heat of the topic and the backlash of her own emotions.

the minus of being famous was that when the adrenaline wore off after the shows, and she was all alone at night in her hotel shower, she cried against the wall until her skin pruned and her lips began to peel. 

going from one extreme to the other was brutal. growing up, she’d always judged celebrities for getting addicted to drugs, for making dumb decisions. she understood them a lot better now. having the high of performing ripped away from you, especially when you didn’t have a solid foundation in the background of your life, was ruthless. 

she smoked more than usual to ease her nerves, but tried to drink extra water and take more vitamins to make up for it. it probably wasn’t working, but she didn’t really care. 

paige could always tell. they talked for a few hours during the day, mostly paige because of azzi’s vocal rest. somehow paige knew, though, how to differentiate her silences. when it was needed, or when it was bad. 

she demanded azzi’s location so that she could send her little surprises in every city. tea for her throat in philadelphia, warm cookies in newark. when she’d stayed in boston for a week, paige had written letters to her hotel room. it alleviated a bit of the burden from azzi’s shoulders, and quietly, it made her heart burn beats inside her chest. 

she really just wanted to hold her, to be able to come back at the end of the week and seal their lips together. she wanted to be in paige’s bed, wrapped up in her arms, limbs intertwined. she wanted to fuck her, torturously slow and ravenous, until the tension bled out from her body and she could rest in peace. 

the truth was that her guard had been up since her mother showed up, and hadn’t come back down since. 

it was her worst nightmare. she didn’t want to think about it. not only did it happen, but the whole world knew about it. the whole world knew things about her intimate life, knew the way her parents thought of her, knew things that took her years to confess to even her closest friends. 

touring gave her a bubble to exist in– nobody spoke to her about it directly. she could almost slip into her stage persona entirely, pretend like nobody in the audience had an internet connection. in the moment, it was all music and sound and love, and everything else kind of fell away. she loved it. she craved it. it made her feel insane. 

and then it didn’t.

“azzi,” mackenzie said quietly, rousing her from her thoughts, “hey. you okay?”

“yeah,” azzi said automatically, blinking back into the conversation. she sought out her straw and took a sip of her iced coffee, swirling the caramel flavoring around her in mouth. 

“you sure? you look like you’re zoning out.”

“it’s good,” azzi waved her off quietly, “just thinking about the show later. brooklyn and all that.”

mackenzie stared at her. “the show’s gonna be great like always, az. you don’t have to worry about it now.”

“i know,” azzi nodded. “sorry, go on.”

mackenzie looked at her for a moment longer before sighing and beginning her rant again. she was saying something about how difficult it was to relinquish power to other people when you start your own company, and azzi listened silently and nodded along when appropriate. 

“and, cayden, you say–”

“caymen,” mackenzie corrected.

“right,” azzi said drily, “caymen doesn’t know as much about the ins and outs of linkedin as you or destiny.”

“it’s really ridiculous,” mackenzie complained, “he keeps trying to reach out to people like a fucking ai chatbot. nobody even checks their linkedin inboxes, especially not student athletes. i’m like, dude, you need to go to straight to the fucking source.”

“who still even uses linkedin?” azzi muttered. 

mackenzie fixed her with a look. “the rest of the working-class world, azzi. not everyone is a famous songwriter. speaking of which, linkedin is giving me a free trial of premium.”

“congratulations!” azzi said pleasantly. she drew a smiley face in the condensation on her coffee cup. 

“no,” mackenzie rebutted, “it’s dumb. i don’t care about that nonsense. i have better shit to do than worry about the ins and outs of linkedin premium. why does everything have to be premium these days? can’t anyone just make money on their own anymore?” 

“late stage capitalism,” azzi agreed, “gotta love it.”

“you and paige make all your money from late stage capitalism. of course you love it.”

azzi frowned. “my merch is affordable! and i use pricelocking on ticketmaster!”

mackenzie cackled. “i’m fucking with you. how is paige, by the way?”

azzi made a mental note to donate to the ali forney center later. “she’s good. busy.”

“so are you,” mackenzie noted. 

“astute observation.”

“you guys haven’t met up since you went down to her place, right?” 

“no,” azzi confirmed, “we’ve been calling, though. it’s nice.”

“she’s gonna come see you in atlanta? when’s that?” 

“another month. i’m gonna see her a week before that in miami, though, when i have a short break. gonna get food with her friends and– her family and stuff.”

mackenzie nodded. she finished her coffee, knee bouncing beneath the table at the sound of her straw grasping for droplets that no longer existed. her eyebrow twitched in the way azzi knew meant that she was about to say some bullshit.

“don’t do anything too exciting,” mackenzie sighed, “you need your voice.”

“shut up,” azzi grumbled. “we haven’t– not since–”

“i know you know phone sex exists.”

azzi flushed. her stomach twisted, suddenly hot. her voice dropped to a whisper, careful not to be overheard by anyone else. they were at a random cafe in the city, but it was brooklyn, chronically online central. she’d asked to sit in the far back so that nobody recognized her, but if they talked too loud, her voice was fair game. 

“she’s so exhausted after her games, and she’s so busy at night.”

mackenzie raised an eyebrow. “i’m sure she could get over it. twenty four hours in a day. you don’t want to eat her alive when she’s all frustrated and sweaty after playing?”

“no,” azzi confessed, “i– i don’t want to take time away from her recovery. she needs to rest.”

“so do you, and you still want her knee-deep inside of you.”

“shut it,” azzi hissed, looking around. “i do, i just– she hasn’t brought up anything like that since everything with my mom. i think she’s waiting for me to initiate.”

mackenzie sobered up instantly. “speaking of,” she began gently, “how are you doing with that?”

azzi fidgeted with a ring on her finger. bad, was the truth. 

“i’m seeing a therapist twice a week,” she muttered. “it’s nice.”

mackenzie went silent, letting her control the conversation. 

“it’s so hard because, like, it was everything i ever wanted. my mom coming to my concert, saying she supported me. wanting to reconcile. apologizing. except, she wasn’t. and i realized, as soon as i had what i wanted, how little it all meant.”

she sighed. “i’m used to not having a family, mackenzie. and i’m used to being disappointed by her. but it was still horrible. and then, like it couldn’t get any worse, she’s out calling me slurs to the press and now everyone knows i have fucking mommy and daddy issues.”

that was the nice way of putting it. in reality, it was like her guts had been ripped from her and left on the street, wet and red and throbbing and shiny and loose like here, isn’t this pathetic, look at this, look at the mess of her insides. and she just had to walk around like everyone hadn’t seen them, hadn’t stepped on them, like they weren’t walking around with bits of her stuck in their shoes and stamping her into the cracks of the pavement. 

“you have a family, azzi,” mackenzie said quietly. she reached a hand over the table and gently touched azzi’s wrist. “you always have.”

azzi blinked. her eyes felt sore. “i love you,” she said.

“i love you too,” mackenzie cracked a smile, “and i’m gonna kill both of those stupid cunts.”

azzi snorted. “get in line.”

“and do you know what could be a really great outlet for this stress?”

“i swear to god, if you say–”

“phone sex!”

“i’m going to kill you.”

____

“how was brunch with mackenzie?” paige asked, sipping a protein shake. she was still in a white fitted shirt from her morning’s workout session, hair down loose and spilling across her shoulders. 

the miami sun, even in january, had been doing her favors. she was deliciously tanned in a way that azzi said pissed her off. the comment made her want to get even tanner. in a normal way. even now, the sun was draping her in warm colors from her apartment window, making her shoulders shine. she hoped azzi was paying attention.

“it was good,” azzi replied, a second too late. her voice sounded a little tight through paige’s ipad. “she’s getting pretty busy with her business. we talked about that, mostly. the coffee was pretty good. reminded me of that spot we used to go to in college.” 

“oh, shit,” paige mused, “i haven’t thought about that place in forever. i wonder if that old guy still works there. bro is probably twenty years past the retirement age.”

“he said it was his life’s passion,” azzi shrugged, “you like basketball, he likes putting an insane amount of flavoring in his iced lattes.” she was in some hotel room, sitting in a desk next to her bed. the white comforter looked starchy and uncomfortable, and paige wished she could offer her own as a replacement. 

paige snorted. she took a long sip of her drink. the pink sludge tasted just about as nothing as usual. being an athlete was so annoying. 

“she still talking to that guy?” paige asked, curious. 

azzi grimaced. her lips curved into a slight pout, and paige made a mental note to make her make that expression more often. it was cute. maybe she should start bringing up garbage disposals or fruit flies more often. 

“no,” azzi said sourly, “he kept driving under the influence and calling her when he’d wreck.”

eugh. paige made a face. “that’s horrible. is she okay?”

“yeah, she wasn’t too caught up on it.”

“gonna send her a gift basket or something. i feel like that at least deserves a visa gift card and some doritos.”

“she’ll kill you,” azzi warned, but she was smiling. 

“that’s my cross to bear,” paige shrugged. she sipped down her smoothie again and studied the way azzi’s baby hairs stood in a few different directions. it was alarming how that made her want to kiss her five ways until sunday. 

of course, everything made her want to kiss azzi five ways until sunday these days. paige couldn’t believe they’d ever gone so long without being apart. nothing felt right.

azzi noticed her staring. “what?” she asked quietly. 

“you look really pretty.”

azzi scowled, running a hand over her hair, but paige knew she liked the compliment. “whatever,” she grumbled. “how was practice?”

ugh. practice. paige sighed, flashing back to the disgruntled hours of the morning. “coach was mad. we really shouldn’t be losing these games, i don’t know why we can’t click. i don’t know. i kept trying to focus, but i couldn’t lock in today.”

“what was, like, going through your head?” azzi asked, resting her chin on her palm. 

paige felt her cheeks warm. she flexed her shoulders, running a hand over the back of her head. “uh,” she stuttered, “not much.” her voice came out too small. she mentally cursed. 

like a release from stress, she’d been thinking about azzi. she didn’t really know when it started, but at one point, she was irritated, and the next moment she was calming down thinking about azzi. halfway through practice, she’d started reliving a time when she’d showed up to azzi’s house in new york. 

physically, the team had been working on connections, passing and setting up shots. mentally, her brain had been somewhere in the city, watching the six o’clock sun paint lines across the skin of azzi’s back. pressing a light kiss to her shoulder, hoping it wouldn’t rouse her. unable to stop herself from taking what more of her she could get. 

she’d thrown the ball three feet to alanna’s right, and her mind had been watching azzi’s lips open and close as she gasped with paige’s hand tucked between her legs. the curve of her tongue. the slight gap between her two front teeth. 

she’d smoked a layup, and her mind had been on how azzi’s hips felt under her hands as she rocked them back and forth on her own thigh. how they’d felt wet, in the shower after. how they’d felt warm, covered in her shorts as paige kissed her goodbye. 

paige missed her so badly. 

azzi raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow at her, and her heart thumped a little sickeningly in her chest. love, her internal monologue supplied. i know, she told it. shut up. 

“ah, nothing,” she shrugged, hoping her face didn’t give her away. she didn’t want to say anything too serious, too intimate. it wasn’t fair for her to force any kind of unnecessary feelings on azzi, not while she was still processing everything that happened. one “i miss you” could lead to “i love you”. paige didn’t want to get in the way of her family stuff. not again. 

“what?” azzi pressed. “what were you thinking about?”

azzi’s baby blue camisole on the floor. dark curls pressed against her chest. kissing her hard in the elevator. the fan on azzi’s ceiling spinning in circles as paige’s thighs tightened around her head. 

“you,” she said. honest. 

“me,” azzi repeated. her fingers drummed against her cheek, and paige followed them with her eyes. azzi’s touch was always soft. “me… in what context?”

“i’on know,” paige mumbled, distracted, “last time i saw you in new york.”

azzi’s jaw dropped. “paige. you had a bad practice because you were turned on?”

“what?” paige yelped, “no!” 

“the last time you saw me in new york”, azzi mocked. “when i ate you out twice?”

“that was like, one half an hour of the wonderful, innocent day we spent together.”

“paige, seriously, i think we were at it from ten at night to three in the morning.”

“no, because the making out in the middle of things doesn’t count, and– az, how do you even remember that?” 

“you were horny at practice,” azzi ignored her to laugh, clear and bright and annoying. 

and sure, that was part of it, but it had been more romantic in paige’s head. she’d been picturing azzi to help herself get through a rough day, wasn’t that nice? she huffed. “practice was frustrating–”

“sexually.”

“azzi!” paige’s face burned. “whatever. it’s been a while. so i want you. is that a crime?”

she hadn’t meant to be that direct, but it was the truth. 

“you want me,” azzi repeated, pleased. even when she was trying to piss her off, she made paige feel like a little kid with a crush. 

“of course i do.”

“when?” azzi grinned. 

paige huffed a laugh, rolling her eyes. she hadn’t really thought about when they’d be intimate next, and figured that azzi hadn’t, either. she’d been helping azzi through her shit, focusing on basketball. they both knew sex was off the table for the time being. 

azzi raised an eyebrow. “i’m not joking.” 

paige sobered up. her face suddenly felt heavier. 

“you– what?” she asked, dumb. her gut tightened.

“tell me what you were thinking about,” azzi’s voice was smooth, dangerous. she leaned forwards, towards the camera. 

paige swallowed. was she breathing too loudly? she nervously glanced out the window of her apartment, seeing nothing but an empty parking lot outside. lord, as if someone could read her lips from four floors down. she was being ridiculous.

she gathered herself and met azzi’s gaze. “kissing you. in the elevator. in the morning when we woke up.”

“i miss kissing you.”

paige laughed quietly. “i know you do.”

azzi blinked at her. “i like it when we’re kissing and you grab my ass.”

jesus. something twitched in paige’s gut.

“mmm,” she hummed, noncommittal. “there’s a lot to work with."

azzi grinned. “i train glutes.”

“it’s been there since before you started that.”

“i also like it when you slip your thumbs under my waistband,” azzi continued, “it feels good.” her eyes were dark. paige’s stomach clenched at the sight. 

“you make a sound when i do,” paige’s voice came out low, raspy, “drives me crazy. you’re so…”

azzi tilted her head. “your turn. what do you like?”

paige’s tongue darted out to wet her lips. she spread her legs a little, unconsciously. a million images flashed through her head– everything, was the answer, but she knew that wasn’t what azzi wanted to hear. she liked when azzi got fed up with her bonnet at night and broke apart their kiss to toss it off after it slid too far back. she liked when azzi moaned her name and her voice cracked because she could barely take it. she liked when azzi was the little spoon and pressed her ass back into paige, hinting. 

“when i’m on top,” paige started, slow, “and i have my thigh between your legs. and i grind down into you. and you stop kissin' me to throw your head all the way back.”

“you like that?” azzi drawled, leaning back. she exhaled softly, fingering the bottom of her shirt. 

“yeah,” paige breathed. it came out more whisper than word. she followed azzi’s movements with her gaze. 

“what else?”

“when i reach up the back of your shirt,” paige muttered, “and run my hands up your skin. and you shiver, and you fold into me. and i undo your bra.”

through paige’s ipad screen, azzi’s eyes looked extra dark. slowly, she reached behind her back. paige watched the material of her shirt shift, loosen. her heart felt heavy in her chest. it pounded like a kickdrum as she drew in a sharp breath. 

she needed to keep talking. she had to. “i like when i can finally touch you, and i move my hands to your front. and i like to kiss you a little slower as i touch your chest, so you can focus on my fingers as they grasp you.”

azzi exhaled louder, this time, chest visibly rising and falling. she kept her eyes on paige as she trailed her fingers to her stomach, under her shirt. paige watched the motion of her hand slip up, up, and under her bra. fuck. paige’s thighs ached badly with the need to clench together.

her eyes bored into the screen like it would cave in, like the glass would fissure into fractals and fall away so she could reach right through. half of her couldn’t believe that azzi wanted this. the other half didn’t give a shit. 

“miss the way you feel,” she whispered. “your nipples under my thumbs.”

she talked at a measured pace, deliberately drawing it out, watching azzi’s movements correspond to her words. “circling them.”

azzi’s lips parted. 

“pressing into them.” 

azzi exhaled deeply, blinking once, twice. paige reveled in it. she’d known for a long time that she’d gotten azzi riled up when she started blinking faster. 

her voice was smooth and low. “does that feel good?”

azzi inhaled. she nodded. paige watched the fabric of her shirt jerk as she kneaded her tits. it made her head feel fuzzy. she wished it were her so badly, but the sight of azzi touching herself was intoxicating. paige had a thing for watching women come. there was an adrenaline to it, a high when she knew they couldn’t help themselves from cresting, when she had the effect on people that made them forget themselves and succumb to their desires. 

“i miss taking my time. workin’ you up,” she continued, “running one hand down your stomach.”

azzi’s knuckles shifted lower. “down to your waist.”

finally, she caught a sliver of azzi’s fingers peeking out from the hem of her shirt. delicately, they pushed under her waistband and dragged to the side. paige watched her stomach clench, imagined the heat of her touch and how it must be shooting straight down between her legs. 

“miss seein’ you. all of you,” paige muttered, hoarse and honest. she bit her lip and drank in the sight of azzi before her, stupid facetime image from the waist up. it wasn’t enough. she wanted more. 

azzi’s eyelids fluttered imperceptibly. her fingers twitched at her waistband. 

“you wanna see all of me?” she asked. she sounded saccharine, sultry, like something right out of paige’s nighttime fantasies. paige swallowed, hard, and fought to keep her breath steady. 

“so badly,” paige admitted. 

a small smile lifted the edge of azzi’s mouth. paige wanted to press her lips there again and again until she couldn’t tell which parts of herself were her own. 

azzi stood up. her head cut out of frame, and paige wanted to complain but azzi grasped the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head in one smooth motion. paige’s mouth felt suddenly dry.

the pale light of the hotel room should have washed her out, should have made it feel sterile and gray. of course, common sense never meant much when it came to azzi. mid-day light poured in from her window, warm and soaking between the crevices of her muscles. paige wanted to run her tongue everywhere she could see. 

“damn,” paige muttered. the action had left azzi in her tan bra, unclasped in the back, and her shorts. with a slight of her smooth shoulders, the bra slipped off azzi and onto the floor. 

paige could feel her heart hammering through her body like it was trying to escape. she swallowed again, tongue darting out to wet her bottom lip. the sight of azzi’s tits was never any less invigorating than it had been the first time she’d seen them (azzi, tipsy, in a bar bathroom. pulling her shirt up and asking paige if she should get her nipples pierced. paige had tripped over her own two feet and fallen into a running sink). 

azzi made a face at her and she giggled like a fucking schoolgirl. through the screen, she watched her drag the chair she’d been sitting in off to the side, giving paige a clear view of the hotel bed behind her. azzi turned so that her back was to paige and hooked her thumbs under the waistband of her shorts, teasingly bending down so that her ass was pushed into the camera. 

paige resisted the urge to wolf whistle. instead, she bit into the side of her cheek so hard that it hurt.

azzi repeated the action with her underwear, and paige forced her eyes away as her face burned. she’d seen it a million times. she’d seen this exact thing in person. but they weren’t together, physically.

something about it being one level removed, through the screen, made it infinitely hotter, overwhelmingly so. it was another level of exposure, of putting herself out there. it made paige feel even more wanted, azzi going out of her way to initiate it. she bit her lip harder, eyelids falling to half mast. 

“like what you see?” azzi purred, ridiculous. she cocked a hip, showing off the broad expanse of her backside, and paige held back a groan. how did she even look like that? was there a perfect ass factory she’d gone to before meeting paige? should she double check the dr. miami records?

“‘course i do.”

“good,” azzi smiled, smug. she turned back around and backed up onto the bed. her knees hit the side and buckled, and she took a seat on the comforter. paige watched intently as it bent to her form, dipped to meet the curve of her hips. “keep talking.”

paige swallowed. “you look beautiful.”

she did. the bodied form of her figure made paige want to choke on her own spit. her strong, muscled thighs, the silver chain pierced through her navel that quivered with her breath. the curves of her ribs, the fullness of her breasts and her hardened nipples. her broad, soft shoulders and those fucking arms. azzi had always been more of the biter, but paige was beginning to understand the appeal. she wanted to sink her teeth right into the side of her neck, hear her gasp and moan and choke. 

she looked beautiful and it was devastating, like each part of her was pulled from the depths of paige’s mammal brain and welded together to create her ultimate bane. paige was so fucking weak. 

azzi rolled her eyes. “what are you gonna do about it?” 

paige drew in a slow breath, eyes unable to stop raking across azzi’s form. her thighs were pressed together. that needed to change. “if i was there i’d kiss you,” she mused, “start slow, soft. probably too slow.”

azzi lifted her fingertips to her mouth, brushing over her lips. “i’d stay there for a while because i miss you. just kissing, and kissing, while my hands wandered around your body.”

something molten stirred in paige’s gut. she shifted in her seat, leaning forwards with her elbows on her knees. anything to be even a modicum closer to azzi. 

“i like riling you up so you kiss me harder. when i squeeze your ass, or run my nails down your stomach. your whole body trembles and you press into me. it’s so hot,” paige breathed. she watched azzi’s fingers trail their way down her neck, between the valley of her breasts, to claw down her own stomach. azzi’s mouth fell open, jaw tipping up at the sensation. 

“if i was satisfied, i’d finally move down. kiss the sides of your mouth. your dimples. your jaw.”

hand back up, tracing a line between the corner of her lips and her jawbone. 

“i’d press my mouth into your neck. up and down. over and over, both sides. kiss you. use my tongue. suck. leave a mark.” paige pronounced every consonant as clearly as she could, each word carefully formed to punctuate its meaning. “bite.”

azzi’s breath hitched, and she scraped her nails down her throat to her collarbone. her fingers splayed out, searching, squeezing her throat gently as her eyes fluttered shut. 

something hot leaked into paige’s boxers. “just like that,” she breathed, “perfect.”

azzi choked out a small sound, and paige felt violent that she couldn’t swallow it with her mouth. “down to your collarbone. your chest. trace around your nipple. back up.”

every command, azzi followed. paige took it in hungrily, watching each microexpression cross azzi’s face at each sensitive area, watching her eyes darken, watching the way her hips shifted minutely to try to relieve some of the pressure no doubt building in her cunt. paige wanted, as usual, to devour her. 

“wish that was me,” she muttered, “wanna be all over you.”

“please,” azzi whispered. something in paige’s spine liquefied. 

“i’d kiss my way over to your shoulders. down your bicep,” paige continued, “take my time with the muscle there. down your forearm. to your hand.”

azzi’s chest swelled with her sharp inhale as she dragged her nails over, around, down. “i’d kiss every knuckle. each fingertip. up and down. the outside of your wrist. turn it over. the inside.”

azzi shivered as she caressed each tender place. paige loved it. she loved that she was causing every bit of the reaction, that azzi was touching herself but she was controlling every part of it. 

“and i’d kiss all the way back up. from the tip of your hand to the top of your shoulder.” 

the hand travelled up, faltering for a split second. “back to your chest. and up.”

“and back down, to your nipple. and up. never too long in one place. just enough to make you really, really crave it. so i know you want it.”

azzi’s eyebrows pinched together. “paige.”

“between your tits. down to your waistband. back up. one side of your stomach. the other.”

azzi obeyed, the muscle of her gut tensing again. her chest pushed up into the touch, body visibly needy. paige thought she could get off just like that, by watching azzi want so desperately. 

“paige,” azzi repeated. her fingers jerked towards her core, and she balled them into a frustrated fist. 

“again,” paige replied. azzi let out a strangled groan, trailing her fingers from the hollow of her neck to her navel, skimming across the expanse of her stomach. 

paige’s voice was low, raspy. “you look so pretty when you want me this bad.”

azzi keened, her head lolling to one side. her thighs began to part, just a hair, but she squeezed them back together. that wouldn’t do. 

“if i were really there, i’d do the same thing with your legs,” she muttered, “go down each one to your ankles. kissing you, and kissing you, and kissing you.”

azzi bit down on her lip, frustrated with the teasing. she didn’t move her hands to her legs, and paige hadn’t expected her to; she just wanted to rile azzi up, to make her think about torturous touching and devastatingly slow intimacy. 

at the look on azzi’s face, it was clear that her goal had been achieved. a thrill shot down paige’s spine. she decided to give her a bit of relief, finally. “open up f’me.”

azzi’s shoulders visibly relaxed at the command. her hands found her knees, slipped between them, and pushed her thighs apart as they slid closer to her core. the sight hit paige like a freight train, cunt shining filthily in the light, inner thighs sticky with evidence of want. she wanted to bury her face there, breathe in the heady scent of her and consume her entirely. her tongue twitched in her mouth like a caged dog, wanting on instinct to devour. 

azzi’s adductors flexed with the movement, and paige’s blood rushed south and pulsed. 

paige watched her lean back, resting on one arm, with her free hand hovering to the side of her entrance. she felt lightheaded. angel, her brain supplied. you’re literally just looking at your girlfriend’s cunt, another part of it chimed in. not your girlfriend. she bit her lip.

“if i was there,” she continued, drawing in a shaky breath that she hoped azzi didn’t notice, “i’d take my time on your inner thighs. start at your knee. move in. get closer to where you want it.”

azzi dragged her hand from her inner knee to the crevice of her hip. 

“just like that,” paige praised, low, “use my lips, my tongue. leave a mark. get closer, and closer. and pull away. and repeat.”

paige could continue like that forever. telling azzi what to do, working her up, bringing her right to the edge of something more and then denying it. seeing azzi grow increasingly restless, bothered, needy. it was everything she wanted. if she were truly there, she’d go on and on. take her time. dismantle azzi inch by inch, kiss by kiss, touch by touch, until she was out of her mind. until she begged for it. until she forgot her own name. 

she longed to break azzi down completely, stripping her of any of her worries about her job, her family, anything external, and leaving her the bare bones of human desire and want. 

but she wasn’t there, and they hadn’t fucked in so long, and while she wanted that madly, she also wanted azzi to know that she would give her whatever she needed before anything else. azzi was trembling, nipples hard and straining, leaking onto the hotel bedsheets. her baby hairs were escaping in wild flyaways, her lips dark and pink for how much she’d been biting them. she looked positively wrecked, and paige needed to fulfill her desires.

“please,” azzi whispered, as if on cue. her fingers stroked herself dangerously close to her core, through the slick that gathered on her inner thighs. “need it.”

paige’s voice was treacherously hoarse. “need who?” she deliberately rephrased the question to remind azzi that there was no thing that could help her. it was paige. it would always be paige.

“you,” azzi breathed, followed by a deep inhale. she blinked rapidly, knees twitching slightly with the effort of holding back. 

“you can have whatever you want,” paige said. honest to a fault. i love you. “go ahead.”

azzi made a sound of relief, fingers shooting to her entrance. 

paige’s chest hurt. she loved her. just watching her was a blessing. getting to experience her like this was a dream. she would always give azzi anything she desired. 

“c’mon, baby,” she encouraged her, “touch yourself however you need me.”

azzi whined, and paige’s gut seized. her core twitched. “you know what i’d to do you. i’d give it to you nice and gentle. work you up. kiss you. draw circles on your clit.” love you. 

azzi touched herself, fingers working her clit, sloppy noises slipping out of her throat. paige vaguely wondered if this was recommended against by her vocal coach, but she decided it wasn’t important. 

“keep it slow, baby,” paige instructed. she watched, transfixed, the way azzi circled herself. where she spent a little more time. the point where she started, where she went. how her fingers dipped into her wetness for a split second, coating herself in slick. the way her eyes fluttered shut at the feeling. 

she let azzi go on, listening to the soft noises falling from her lips. she stared intently at the rise and fall of her chest, the spill of her breasts, the gentle motion of her wrist. her slack jaw, her back shoulder trembling with the effort of keeping herself up, her abs clenching with each slight motion. every piece of it was enthralling, enchanting. paige was under her spell, blessed to be able to consume the sight in front of her. 

her boxers felt like a hot mess. she shifted her weight around, pleasure radiating from her center as she pressed down. she exhaled deep and ragged.

“little faster,” she murmured, “little more pressure.”

a punched-out moan wrenched itself from azzi’s throat as she obeyed. paige’s own hips begged to jerk up, to release pressure. the sight of azzi’s fingers speeding up and the obvious pleasure on her face was overwhelming; her head swam forcefully as she drank it all in.

“how does that feel?”

azzi nodded, eyes still shut. even just focusing on her face, paige could still see her arm muscles rippling as she touched herself. fuck. 

“good,” she drew out. “so good f’me, huh?”

azzi nodded again, eager. fuck. paige could tell that she was still holding back, that she still wanted more. god, that was hot. paige blinked rapidly, hips twitching.

“you look so fuckin’ good,” she muttered. “so beautiful. so fuckin’ perfect.”

azzi inhaled desperately, her fingers inadvertently moving a little faster on herself. paige was thrilled. she made azzi want to touch herself.

thinking about all of it– the noises, her face, the undulating rhythmic motions of her pleasured body– was– yeah. the resulting head rush made paige’s lower lip sting until she realized she was biting it. 

“stop,” she ordered. “up and down the sides.”

a strangled sound escaped azzi’s lips. her fingers spread herself apart for a moment before stroking down her labia. up. paige knew it would heighten her sensitivity, and grinned when she gave the command for azzi to resume touching herself and azzi whimpered. 

“that feel good?”

“mhm,” azzi sighed, breathless. 

“how good?”

“really good.”

paige hummed. “and who’s making you feel like that?” azzi’s cunt visibly clenched, and her breath hitched. paige took the space before she added on in a mutter, “faster. a little harder.”

azzi’s jaw dropped, perfect pink lips wet and swollen. her fingers sped up, pressing deeper into herself, and she struggled to respond in anything but a high pitched whisper. “you.”

“say my name.”

“paige,” azzi breathed. it sliced through paige like a molten blade, and she ached with the need for relief, bad. she swallowed and wrote it off, not wanting to divert any attention away from azzi. 

out of the blue, a memory hit her; a few months ago, azzi had confessed that she liked to watch paige get off. 

she finally slipped a hand overtop of her shorts. 

she palmed herself lazily, slowly dragging down between her legs then back up, as she unabashedly watched azzi finger herself. it felt good, the light pressure, and she could feel how damp her boxers had become even through the second layer of fabric. she twitched against herself. 

azzi let out a sound like a wounded animal, eyes squeezing shut and head throwing back. “jesus christ.”

“you like that?” paige drawled, biting her lip. “me watching you? getting turned on by watching you fuck yourself?” she pronounced every consonant of the word fuck, making it sound as filthy as possible. it sent a shiver through azzi that she reveled in. 

“making me cum without even doing anything,” she continued, shamelessly watching azzi’s cheeks grow pink. her lips lifted into a teasing smile. “pillow princess.”

azzi’s eyelids fluttered, and she slowly brought herself back to staring at paige’s fingers moving, long and thick, over the crotch of her shorts. “more,” she whispered. 

“for who?” 

azzi did a jerky half-nod, half-headshake. she swallowed like it pained her. paige’s chest warmed with endearment. poor azzi, who was so overwhelmed that she didn’t even know what she wanted. she decided to have mercy on her and give her both. 

“c’mon, baby,” she purred, “you can gimme a little more. go ‘head.”

azzi slipped her fingers down into her cunt before bringing them back up, touching herself with reckless abandon. her chest rose and fell in shaky heaves, the elbow she was resting on trembling. 

breathing deeply, eyes hooded, paige slid her hand under her boxers, reaching for the wet heat that demanded pressure. 

“keep them on,” azzi blurted out, begging. her eyes widened, like she didn’t even know what she was saying. 

she must have thought that paige was going to take off her pants. paige’s hand stilled before reaching her cunt, and she groaned aloud. clearly, azzi was getting off on the power dynamic; herself fully naked, exposed, and touching herself without restraint versus paige, clothed and demanding. 

“you are so hot,” she professed in a raspy whisper. her heart swelled to three times its size, overwhelmed. “my girl.”

“yours,” azzi repeated. her eyes were closed. paige’s chest throbbed violently. she wanted to push, wanted to make her say it again and again and again until her voice box collapsed and she couldn’t physically keep going. instead, she drew in a sharp breath and ignored the flipping in her stomach to slip half a finger into herself, thrusting shallowly. 

she didn’t touch herself like that often, and pulled back out to mirror azzi’s actions on her own clit, but slower. every micromovement was a course of pleasure, already sensitive and swollen. her limbs felt heavy, blood pooling down to her gut as her brain went hazy.  

azzi looked like she was approaching the edge, hips bucking up, moans pulling from her lips. 

paige twitched, wanted to press inside of her, wanted to see her ass against her hips. wanted to hold her to her chest as she fell apart. 

“you wanna cum f’me?” she asked, voice low. her own pleasure gave it a dangerous edge, a slight shake. she knew azzi loved her voice like that, sensual and slow, knew it drove her insane. 

azzi’s only response was a gasp, a resounding groan. her wetness was becoming audible through the speaker, the glistening slick erotic as she kept fucking herself. paige’s hand on herself pressed in harder. 

“so good,” she purred, “so pretty. so fucking hot. so fucking good.”

azzi squirmed on the bed, shifting to get an impossibly better angle. her only acknowledgement of the praise was a desperate look directly at paige, a glance down to paige’s shorts, a tensing of her lower abdomen. 

paige made a mental note to keep her shorts on more often. something about watching the bulge of paige’s hand under the material seemed to get azzi more riled up than usual. 

“that’s it, pretty,” paige continued, sliding her fingers back and forth across her clit, “keep going. just like that.”

azzi whimpered, thigh muscle clenching, pupils blown and dark. she looked fucking gorgeous. 

“god, i love when you touch yourself for me,” paige muttered, “love watching you feel this good. are you feeling good for me?”

she was close. paige knew it. it showed in the jerkiness of her movements, her rapid breath, her eyes fluttering between open and shut. she didn’t need to answer the question, but paige would make her. 

“tell me,” she commanded, gentle. she kept her tone low, constrained. “tell me how it feels.”

azzi drew in a strangled breath. focus on anything else must have been near impossible for her, trying to draw herself together to do anything but let her body crash over itself. 

“good,” she choked out, voice high-pitched and tight. 

“you needed this?”

“yes,” azzi breathed, “so badly. all the time.”

“all the time?” paige laughed. she pressed into herself a little harder. fuck. “so needy.”

azzi’s movements stuttered before resuming. “fuck, fuck, fuck,” she whined, quiet. 

paige waited a beat. “i’ve been thinking about you ever since you left,” she muttered, “you drive me fucking insane.”

azzi’s whole body tensed. “ah– i’m gonna– fuck–”

“i can’t cum without thinking about you.”

“please, i’m gonna–”

paige’s spine turned to liquid at the words coming out of her own mouth, at azzi’s reaction. at knowing she had azzi balanced on the edge of the knife, full and ripe and ready to slice open at any instant. 

i love you so fucking much, she wanted to say next. she didn’t. but she knew what would do it for azzi. she paused for a moment, letting time dangle on the edge of the fraying string. watching azzi swing, swing, swing. 

“i watch recordings of your concerts.”

swing. 

the mention of work made azzi hesitate briefly, confused. paige crowed. she had her right where she wanted her. 

“i lay in my bed at night.”

swing. 

azzi listened intently, waiting for the inevitable ball to drop. paige fought off a violent crest of pleasure staring at her fingers, which kept circling and circling her glistening clit like a satellite. 

“with my hand down my underwear.”

swing. 

as azzi realized where she was going, she inhaled so sharply that paige’s own stomach lurched. 

“and i think about dropping to my knees, right fucking there.”

fuck, azzi mouthed, eyes squeezed shut. she fucked herself harder, faster. paige’s mouth was talking of its own accord, fully lost in pleasure. her head swam in furious circles. she had one objective only. one goal.

“and making you cum in my fucking mouth. in front of everyone.”

“ah-,” azzi cried. 

“cum.”

azzi’s hips slammed upwards, towards the ceiling. a shameless wail tore free from her throat. paige watched the pleasure rush through her like a wave, her limbs tensing and twitching, her jaw wide open. she felt it in her own gut all the same, her mind unable to dilute the raw eroticism of azzi cumming for her, and she hissed and jerked forwards as her own cunt pulled her over the edge. 

head spinning, she blinked rapidly. she kept touching herself, working herself through, as she watched her lover recover. azzi was still panting, chest heaving, nipples hard. she’d leaned back, and paige had a marvelous view of her aching heat and the lines of her abs as she tapped herself through the aftershocks, not denying herself a single moment of pleasure. 

“so good. so perfect,” she mumbled. azzi made no signs of hearing, but paige knew she liked it. 

paige got the sudden urge to cover azzi’s body with hers, to lay on top of her and kiss her senseless. she drank in each inch of azzi, exhausted and perfect, and slid her fingers back out of her shorts. there was a napkin near her ipad on the table, and she grimaced as she wiped herself off of her own fingers. she’d have to wash her hands after this. 

leaning forwards, she watched azzi blink herself back into consciousness. 

“feel good?” she teased, resting her elbow on the table. 

a small smile grew on azzi’s face. “shut up,” she muttered. “‘t was so hot.”

“you were so hot.”

paige imagined herself kissing the warm skin of azzi’s shoulder, stroking her arm. azzi scrunched her face up like she was embarrassed, but didn’t respond. 

after a few more moments of silence, azzi shifted herself up and back over to her phone. she picked it up and collapsed back on her bed on her side, curling up on top of the covers. paige was remarkably endeared by the soft squish of her cheek against the pillow. she wanted to kiss it. 

they stared at each other in silence for a moment, just smiling. nothing needed to be said, really. paige felt fulfilled, mostly. it was nice to be intimate in that way, nice to be able to take care of azzi. her core still felt sensitive and ached pleasantly. 

azzi had been a little off recently, ever since what happened with her parents. every moment that paige could take to help her, to make her forget what’s on her mind, to guide her through it, she would take it. it was so fucking frustrating to be so far apart, to not be there for her at all hours of the day.

but azzi was living her dream, and she deserved it. it was scary, and a little horrible, but it was wonderful nonetheless. and paige was living her dream, too. there was just something missing from it. 

“i really miss you.”

it came out quietly, more vulnerable than paige had intended. in the vast scope of her feelings, it felt small and fragile. 

“i miss you too,” azzi frowned. she opened her mouth to speak again, but paige beat her to the punch.

“like really. not just–” her face felt warm, “this.”

azzi’s face softened. paige watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed, gentle and intimate. she longed to be able to have that of her all the time. 

“i know,” azzi murmured, “i’ll see you soon.”

“not soon enough,” paige replied, and how true it felt overrode how trite it felt. 

“baby,” azzi said, like it hurt her. paige’s heart squeezed something ridiculous. it was stupid. she was grown. she didn’t need to miss someone so badly. especially not something that wasn’t hers to hold. 

and– well. she knew that she was in love with azzi. that wasn’t new. but it was no longer something she could push down. she wanted azzi, like this. all the time. in gentle mornings, in angry afternoons. she wanted her in the kitchen, sweating over a pan, outside killing bugs. she wanted her washing her calves in the shower, wanted her singing in the living room, wanted to say i love you and kiss her after a long day. she wanted to fight with her about miscommunications, to reconcile and slowly forgive her because she couldn’t stay mad. 

and she wasn’t stupid; she knew that between their careers they would never have that domesticity in the traditional sense. 

but wouldn’t it be something? to excuse herself from team dinner and say my girlfriend is calling. my wife is calling. to introduce herself to a camera and gesture to azzi beside her and say this is my lover. i love her. just to breathe her in without wondering if she’d ever have to forget her scent again. to love her simply. without fear.

wouldn’t it be something beautiful?

—

after touring new england, the miami heat was enough to plaster azzi’s freshly-done hair to her forehead and really piss her off. she’d driven with her crew down to atlanta, then immediately gotten on a plane to miami international. she wanted to think positively of the little palm tree decals on the floor, or laugh at the tourists who were somehow sunburnt in the middle of winter, but the muggy outside air seemed to press through the cracks of the building and suffocate her. 

she was still getting used to travelling in disguise, and it was really beginning to piss her off. she felt like she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. she checked her shoulder at every turn. she adjusted the sleeve of her t-shirt like it was offensive, pulled her shorts down her thighs like someone would recognize her from the freckle behind her knee. 

seeing paige behind the wheel of her car, blonde and brilliant and beautiful in the sun, made it all worth it. 

paige’s face split into a majestic smile as her gaze landed on azzi, and azzi’s stress evaporated into thin air. her breath caught in her chest, suddenly giddy. god, good god, she’d missed her. paige scrambled out of the car to grab azzi’s things from her, already opening the trunk to throw her things inside. 

“hi,” paige breathed as their hands brushed. 

“hi,” azzi repeated, smiling ear to ear. 

azzi slid into the passenger seat as paige closed the trunk. the car smelled good, and upon investigation, azzi discovered one of those air freshener things dangling from the rearview mirror. she couldn’t quite place the scent, but it was clean and sweet. 

paige crawled back into the driver’s seat with a gentle sound, door thunking behind her. she turned to look at azzi, lips curved in an almost nervous smile. azzi studied her for a second. her hair was a little messy, dark marks under her eyes like she hadn’t been sleeping very well. she’d managed to put on some mascara, eyelashes curled up and making her wide-eyed stare towards azzi even more stark. 

they looked at each other, stupid, for half a second. then azzi fisted her hand in paige’s shirt and yanked her in, kissing her deeply.

paige relaxed under her touch, kissing her firm but slow. god, it was good. “i missed you,” she mumbled against azzi’s lips. “how was your flight?”

“shut up,” azzi grumbled back, and paige grinned. azzi kissed it away, shifting closer, hands finding the back of paige’s neck. she swore paige’s touch was softer than she remembered, each press of their lips together meaningful and devastating. when azzi was done, she pulled away but stayed close enough to breathe in the same air. 

she searched paige’s eyes. paige winked. she couldn’t resist giving her another peck. 

“you missed me too,” paige said, not a question. 

“shut up and drive.”

paige smiled, a little crazy, and turned towards the road. as soon as the car was in gear, her hand found azzi’s thigh. not squeezing, not searching. azzi exhaled and fell back deeper into the car seat, her heartbeat spiking every time she thought too hard about it. 

it was funny how, through all their domesticity, azzi still felt like she had a crush on her. they’d seen each other for god knows how long in total, done everything there was to do, and the sight of her in the driver’s seat still made azzi a little giddy. she liked that premise. she made a mental note to see if she could write about it. 

she dropped her stuff at paige’s apartment in miami, which looked to have been recently cleaned. she teased paige about it, and paige just shrugged with a grin and said had to clean up for my lady, to which azzi had gotten warm and not been able to respond. my lady. 

she wanted that. she wanted to be paige’s lady, to have paige be hers. she just didn’t know how to go about it. she’d been the one to end it, so she should be the one to ask for it back? but she’d hurt paige, so maybe paige needed to be the one to decide that they could try again. it made her head hurt. was there a right way for it to happen? did paige want that? did she have a plan? was she waiting for azzi? 

mid ushering her back into the car, paige stopped and looked at her.

“wait, az, there’s something on your face.”

azzi’s eyes widened. what could possibly be on her face? she hadn’t eaten all morning, hadn’t done anything messy. she reached up a panicked hand to her cheek. “what?”

paige grabbed her face in her hands before she could reach it herself and planted a long kiss on her lips. 

“me,” paige grinned, eternally proud of herself. 

azzi narrowed her eyes, but her lips twitched upwards. 

“you’re awful. that was awful.”

“yeah, but you got to kiss me, so i know you don’t care.”

“you and this fucking ego,” azzi grumbled, “you’re nothing special.”

“oh, that’s not what you were saying on the phone the other week,” paige said jovially, shaking her head as she moved to get back into the car. 

azzi rolled her eyes. “ego,” she singsonged again. 

paige ignored her, turning on the ignition of her car. she buckled herself in, and azzi did the same. azzi’s mind drifted briefly, wondering if she should have brought a bottle of water to keep her throat moist. would she have time to squeeze in a workout today? would unrivaled let her use their facilities to train with paige after lunch?

“hey,” paige said, quieter. “how are you feeling about this?”

this? what was this? the car? the trip? their relationship?

azzi blinked at her. 

“lunch,” paige clarified, “with my family.”

oh, shit. right. azzi had almost forgotten about the goal of this trip, why they weren’t just cuddling on paige’s couch and watching a movie. 

how was she feeling? not nervous, then, because she hadn’t been thinking about it. not exactly excited. azzi had been around some of paige’s family before– her parents, stepparents. ryan and lauren. drew. some more than others. they’d gotten along well, especially the younger siblings; she’d kept up with them and wished them happy holidays throughout the years until she and paige broke up. 

azzi had never been overly drawn to paige’s parents. she had four, and azzi barely had two. her mom and her stepdad were nice, but azzi couldn’t stomach being around them for long periods of time. she’d been pretty reserved around them, electing to let paige talk as much as possible, which she now regretted. paige’s dad and stepmom were a bit more comfortable to be around, for no discernable reason, but she still hadn’t exactly felt like a part of the family throughout the years. 

which was mostly her own fault. it wasn’t easy to relax into someone else’s dynamic. it wasn’t easy being asked questions and freaking out after every one, not sure if they’re trying to degrade you or shame you somehow. it was hard to divulge information to people when she wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t be used against her another time, if anything were to go wrong. and things had gone wrong. which, in retrospect, probably made them think about her even worse. 

okay, now she was nervous. 

“um–” she mumbled, “who’s coming, again?”

“my mom and my stepdad. lauren and ryan. drew’s came down, too, he–” paige’s voice cracked, “he missed you.”

okay, now she felt like shit. 

“right.”

paige’s hand squeezed her thigh. “i’ve already told them about– everything,” she said, careful. “like we talked about. they know about your parents, and the album, and that we’re okay now. they were really understanding. they’re really excited to see you.”

azzi was saved from having to respond via a loud ping from her phone. it was tiktok link, sent by mackenzie, with no caption. she clicked on it, curious. 

the opening shot was paige, crowded by reporters and looking agitated. “azzi fudd,” she said, quietly, “is none of my business. nor yours.” in the back, fucking orbiter sang quietly– even anxious pups need the moon. 

a clip of paige knocking sophie cunningham on her ass, pissed off. i howl for you. a clip of azzi from the viral video of her singing lovesong at the festival. i sing to you. a montage of screenshots of paparazzi photos of paige showing up at azzi’s apartment, of paige outside azzi’s hotel the night of her ysl party, likes on each other’s recent posts. i circle you.

“bro, was that me?” paige asked. 

“don’t call me bro.”

“azzi, my sweet love. was that me?”

“i don’t know, bro.”

“bruh.”

bruh, azzi typed back to mackenzie. 

mackenzie: Dude, look at the likes

azzi muted her phone as she went back to the video. 376.2k, the number above below the heart read. jesus christ. she did herself a disservice, and she opened the comments. 

which could mean nothing.

they matt damon’ed her ass. damn. she turned her phone right off. she opened it again to dislike mackenzie’s message. then, she turned it off for real. 

“baby,” paige tried again. azzi bit back a smile. “was that me?”

“no. you’re you.”

“i’m not above domestic violence.”

“that’s for sure. you’ve already choked me.”

“and it made you cum, shut up. can i please be nosy? what was the video of me?” paige pestered her. 

azzi sighed, resting her head against the window. “just some stupid tiktok edit that mackenzie sent me.”

“was it a thirst trap?” paige smirked. “i get a lot of those.”

“no,” azzi rolled her eyes. she made a mental note to look up paige thirst traps later. “just another ship edit. it went viral, that’s why she sent it to me.”

paige snorted. “classic.” her eyes lit up, “oh, hey, i forgot to mention, ryan’s bringing his girlfriend. her name is celia, and she’s pretty cool.”

“oh, nice,” azzi said, “is lauren still dating her boyfriend from last summer?”

“thank god, no. drew’s got a girlfriend now, though. but she’s not coming.”

“damn, that doesn’t feel right. they’re all so old now,” azzi frowned. she could picture drew’s baby face, his first day of middle school. his dark, shining eyes, the way he looked at paige like she held the secrets to the universe. it was sweet. it used to make her a little sick. she missed it, now. 

“well,” paige shrugged, “that’s what happens when you grow up.”

address me, said the elephant in the room. 

azzi stole a glance at paige, who was already looking at her out of the corner of her eye. they both quickly looked away. 

the car braked to a stop in the parking lot of a restaurant. azzi checked her phone for the time. 

two fifteen. they were fifteen minutes early. good, she thought. i won’t have to walk in to everyone already being there. she shuddered at the thought of entering with everyone’s eyes on her, searching and scanning her, scouring her face for the sign of any emotion but happiness. 

can we leave? she wanted to ask. “cuban sandwiches. nice,” she mumbled instead. paige smiled in response, getting out of the car. 

the restaurant was small, diner-esque, and it didn’t even look like somewhere that hosted reservations. the floor was colorful tile, murals stretched from wall to wall, and the chairs, tables, and bar were a sweet chestnut color. there was a tangy, rich smell in the air, and it was oddly comforting. azzi breathed it in deeply. 

paige’s hand found hers and squeezed. azzi’s anxiety dissipated for all of four seconds before she saw that paige’s family was already all gathered at a table in the back corner. shit. wonderful. it was show-up-early-to-lunch-tuesday. 

just like azzi had feared, every single person’s eyes were glued to her. paige was taller than her, dressed in a light blue shirt that was totally eye-catching and sporting neon fucking shoes, but nope. azzi was where everyone was looking. she managed a small smile in their direction and forced her hand up to wave. hey guys. nothing to look at over here. just another day. 

paige had clearly been to the restaurant before, and, after smiling at her family, she turned behind the counter to dap up the waiter. he made a comment about her wnba season and winked in azzi’s direction, making a comment about her pretty girl. azzi’s grip tightened on paige, and her cheeks warmed. 

it was something that never changed. other than when she visited dallas, azzi hadn’t gotten to experience it much, but it was still true; paige was universally beloved everywhere that she went. azzi sometimes forgot that paige had that effect on other people as well as herself, always the social glue and the life of the party. people gravitated towards her. she was just so good. 

azzi wore her smile on her face like a spinning top, wobbling but true. paige didn’t let go of her hand for a singular second as they waded over to the corner of the restaurant, even when she reached around the table to give those she could brief side hugs and exchange pleasant greetings. 

they sat down. lauren sat across from azzi, with drew at the head of the table on her left. paige sat to azzi’s right, celia to her right, ryan at the other head. paige’s mom and stepdad were next to lauren, catty-corner to azzi. unconsciously, she squeezed paige’s hand. 

she expected paige to squeeze her back subtly, but paige paused her greetings to turn towards her and press a lingering kiss to her cheek instead. she caught her eye as she pulled away, reassuring. azzi nodded. 

she looked back up, anxious to see if anyone had noticed her nerves. to her surprise, everyone had busied themselves with the menu, or the napkins, or their phones. she blinked a few times in surprise. alright. 

she swallowed. swing big, she instructed herself. “mrs. bueckers, how’s work going?”

paige’s mom’s face lit up. azzi studied the apples of her cheeks, the way they shone under the light like paige’s did. her face was softer than paige’s, lived-in. 

she launched into an explanation of corporate finance, what it was like working with representatives for big firms. azzi found herself listening genuinely, not just politely. she asked questions and laughed. the metal bars shackled to her chest loosened, and she felt like she was able to breathe a little bit better. 

by the time paige’s mom was finished, they’d segued into talking about the internships celia was looking into for the summer. paige was oddly inquisitive, and her and celia’s personalities flowed well together. paige had never really talked about her, and azzi wondered when they’d gotten to know each other so well. 

celia, for her part, was the only family member who kept looking at azzi when she thought azzi wasn’t paying attention. she had a pleased smile on her face that she was clearly trying to hide, but azzi couldn’t place it. 

well, the only family member other than drew. he asked azzi nervous questions, and she tried to return the favor. was he playing any sports? what were his friends like? did he play any video games? did he have a least favorite teacher in school?

in turn, he asked azzi about what it was like to be famous, how she played so many shows without getting tired. azzi made direct eye contact with him and tried not to think about how those same eyes used to look in a much smaller face. it was unsettling how much he’d grown. lauren, too, and ryan. 

what settled the bile in her throat was that drew seemed nothing but timidly excited. his countenance showed no lingering distaste or hesitation. he didn’t seem to resent her for breaking his sister’s heart, and nor did anyone else. their entrees came and left, and paige’s knee never moved from hers below the table. everyone got the chance to talk, nobody fought, and azzi even slipped a few jokes in. 

regardless of how her body relaxed, she still felt bug-eyed. she caught herself repeating the table’s laughter, smiles, and pleasantries over and over in her head like she was studying for a quiz, stuffing information together and trying to mop up what leaked through. like there was something to fail. 

paige gently elbowed her in the middle of ryan’s discussion about his upcoming sports season. she leaned into azzi’s ear, lowering her voice. 

“you okay, baby?”

azzi nodded, keeping herself focused on the conversation. 

“relax,” paige whispered. azzi nodded again, but paige frowned, dissatisfied. “hey,” she muttered intently, jostling azzi’s side. azzi looked over at her, lips thin. “you’re doing great, baby. relax,” she repeated. 

her eyes searched azzi’s, scanning her face. i’m serious, azzi could tell she meant to say. you’re safe. 

slowly, gently, the last bits of azzi’s hesitation fell away. paige leaned in and kissed her cheek. her face pinkened. 

ryan coughed. “lovebirds,” he tried to partially mask. 

“shut up, ryan. don’t make me bring up you and celia during the last cabin trip,” paige tossed her napkin at his shoulder. he frowned, protesting. 

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” celia said, throat tight. 

paige’s mom raised an eyebrow. “should i be hearing this?”

“it’s nothing,” ryan said at the same time paige said gleefully, “nope.”

azzi snorted. “be nice,” she muttered.

“well, azzi, i really have to tell you just how good it is to see you again. i know it’s been a while, but you’ve become such a sweet young woman,” paige’s mother turned to azzi, a gentle smile on her face. “you always were, of course, but it’s even more evident now.”

azzi felt a smile grow on her face, embarrassed at the attention. “thank you, mrs. bueckers, it was great to see you guys again and catch up. i like being around everyone,” azzi said. she found herself surprised that she meant it. 

“we’ll probably see you around again soon,” paige’s stepdad added, “we might be able to catch you at one of your shows near us.”

azzi waited for the ice-cold shock of dread to course through her veins. it didn’t come.

she smiled. “that’d be great. it would be so cool to have you there.”

paige’s mother rested her chin in her palm. “i really am so happy for you, azzi. you’ve always been so talented, and it’s so much fun to watch you succeed. whenever we used to get you back in college, you were always so shy. it’s like seeing a whole new woman. it’s incredible how much you’ve grown.”

azzi searched her chest for panic at the perception, for the urge to overanalyze the sentences for deeper meaning. she found nothing but a quiet pleasure. 

blinking, she shrugged and smiled bashfully. lauren and drew looked at her and exchanged a snort at the look on her face. 

“so, azzi, if paige doesn’t mind me asking,” paige’s mother glared playfully in paige’s direction, “how exactly did you two reconnect?”

paige choked on the water she’d picked up to drink. azzi side eyed her, quickly. you said you’d told them everything, she wanted to complain. then she thought about paige telling her mom that they’d kicked paige’s hookup out of her hotel room so they could hatefuck, and she felt a little more empathetic. 

she wondered if paige’s brain was also replaying azzi biting into paige’s collarbone, stripping her shirt off, muttering hate you while blinking away tears of admission. 

“uh,” azzi started. her hair suddenly felt a little too warm against her scalp. “we both use this stylist sometimes, brittany. she didn’t know that we knew each other, and she invited us both to sit at a fashion show with her.”

“new york fashion week,” paige clarified, “she’d actually lent azzi some of my clothes for an interview a bit before.”

“you guys fit in the same clothes?” drew asked. “azzi’s got really big arms.”

“what the hell,” paige complained, “i’m the basketball player. this is ten pounds of straight muscle.” she flexed her arms underneath of her shirt, and azzi thought briefly about tearing it off so she could stare at it in peace. 

paige’s stepfather piped up. “so, you guys saw each other and just picked up where you left off?”

well.

“pretty much,” azzi laughed. she stole another glance at paige out of the corner of her eye. the blonde’s cheeks were warm, and she was trying to avoid eye contact with azzi. when her free hand came up to tug at her ponytail, azzi fought the urge to lean over and kiss her cheek like it was something violent. 

she looked back over at paige’s parents. their eyes were soft in the yellow restaurant light, understanding, as they watched paige get nervous. it was a look of love, of acceptance. it was so casual that it made azzi’s gut wrench, sudden and jerky. a wave of nausea overcame her, mouth wetting, jaw clenching.  

on the table, paige’s phone vibrated. azzi looked down out of the corner of her eye to read the text. 

ryan: Soooo are you guys dating again or

at the opposing head of the table, ryan was smirking as he looked at paige for a reaction. paige rolled her eyes at him, hand shooting out to lock her phone so that azzi couldn’t read it. 

it was so easy. they were joking about it. something about that hit azzi, low and sharp. she sucked in a breath.

it was nothing to them. it was normal. their worldview operated within a frame of paige likes women, paige sees women, it’s the way the world works. 

azzi didn’t have to hold herself back from kissing paige’s cheek. she didn’t need to make herself look perfect to make up for some imagined fault. paige’s parents didn’t care where she’d been, what she’d done. after everything, all that mattered to them was that paige loved her, that paige was happy. it was reflected in paige– that warmth, that forgiveness, that unconditional love.

it was so easy. it was so unfair. 

the tears came to azzi’s eyes before she realized she’d summoned them, and she swallowed angrily as she tried to blink them away. jealousy, she realized, and it didn’t make her feel any better. 

ryan: O shit is that a bad subject

paige scanned the message and nearly hurt her head whipping it around towards azzi. azzi’s stomach flipped, and she stood up abruptly, turning away. paige could not see her tearing up. she didn’t want her to think that anyone had done anything wrong. 

“i’m going to use the bathroom really quickly! i’ll be right back,” she said as cheerfully as she could manage. 

she berated herself mentally as she made her way to the bathroom. she’d known how this was going to be coming into it. the tears stung at her eyes more strongly, cheeks wetting with it as she swung open a stall door and locked herself inside. 

“fuck,” she muttered to herself, looking up at the ceiling. stupid, she felt stupid.

was it enough? was it enough that it was breaking her heart? how much longer would it be before she could do this normally? would her body betray her like this forever?

everyone else was having a normal meal, and she could pull it together. she made a fist and pounded it against her hip, begging the feeling of fingernails clawing into her chest to go away. her tears had dried up, replaced by self-frustration.

it was so steady. paige was a grown woman who saw her family maybe once a month, but it was so normal. azzi’s life was bus, hotel, perform, crash, interview, write, repeat. adjusting to the calm of this environment was strange but gratifying, but for that to be compounded with yet another contrast– the one that hurt the most– was difficult.

a soft knock sounded from the door to the stall. 

not now, she pleaded with the sky. 

“azzi?” paige’s voice came through the cracks in the metal, small and vulnerable. azzi wiped the wetness from her cheeks and unlocked the door immediately, pulling a smile to her face at the sight of the blonde. 

“hey,” paige said. 

“hey,” she replied, “what’s up?”

“you okay?"

“yeah!” azzi said brightly. “why?”

paige’s blue eyes searched her face, her eyebrows twitching. azzi felt like a marionette on fraying strings, drawn up precariously. 

paige surged forward and wrapped her in a hug. “c’mere,” she muttered into azzi’s neck, burying her face there. 

the effect was instantaneous. azzi’s shoulders melted, hands coming up to hold paige’s waist. 

paige loved so much it was overwhelming. she overflowed with it, spilling it into azzi’s chest. she saw azzi so tenderly, saw the world so tenderly; it was like each and every thing had given her life, like everything mattered in ways that azzi had never been able to comprehend. azzi couldn’t believe that she’d ever made herself go without her. 

azzi’s shoulders shook with the effort of holding back her tears. it’s fine, she consoled herself, literally everything is fine. 

“too much?” paige mumbled. azzi shook her head. never, never. 

paige pulled back, keeping her hands around azzi’s waist and stroking it comfortingly. “baby,” she whispered, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” azzi maintained, voice thin. she tried again for a smile. 

paige frowned. “azzi.”

“paige.”

“it’s me,” she whispered gently. “it’s just me.”

azzi swallowed, relaxing. she blinked rapidly. “i–” she started, and her words failed her. “i don’t–”

“take your time.”

azzi nodded, looking up at the ceiling. paige’s fingers drew slow shapes against the fabric of her shirt, grounding her. 

“it was good, it was really good. everyone’s great,” she started. 

“but?” 

she shrugged. the enormity of her feelings, of an entire lifetime of shame and hiding, couldn’t really fit in the confines of a sentence. how was she supposed to say this isn’t normal, where is the yelling, where is the hopelessness, where is the guilt? how could she tell her i love you so much it feels like i should be punished for it?

“too good,” she admitted. 

paige’s voice got quiet. “okay.”

“it’s really fine,” she rushed to clarify, “it’s really okay. it just– like– hit me out of nowhere. everything was going great, i promise, everyone’s wonderful. it’s just this feeling of, like, nobody’s judging, after everything. and i’ve never–” her voice cracked, “i’ve never had that, so. it’s just– it’s just uh. yeah.”

paige’s face drew up with worry, eyes full of a quiet concern. but she didn’t press. didn’t ask. she nodded. 

“got it,” she murmured. “i’m sorry.”

“don’t be– don’t be sorry. you didn’t do anything.”

“i know,” paige said simply. she didn’t take it back. they looked at each other, soft and wordless, and azzi felt something inside of her click into place. 

leaning forwards, she pressed a kiss to paige’s lips. paige drew her closer as they parted, pulling her back in for another, another. azzi’s worry slunk away, replaced by thoughts of love, love, love. paige was what was real. 

when they finally stopped, paige’s lips were pink and she was flushed down to her neck. her pupils were a little larger, blinking slowly. azzi marveled at the effect that she still had on her, so long into knowing each other. paige, always with an outgoing attitude tried on for size, soft and pliant and nervous. 

she wanted to say it. paige looked at her similarly, swallowing. time passed. 

“thanks for checking on me,” azzi cleared her throat, stepping out of paige’s grip and out of the stall. 

paige’s voice lowered. “of course.”

“we can head back,” azzi added. regardless of the fact that neither of them had used the bathroom, they washed their hands and headed back out. if anyone at the table had wondered about what they were doing, they didn’t show it. 

paige’s stepdad held up the check. “you’re back just in time. we just paid!”

“what?” paige complained, “i told you i was going to get it.” azzi felt secretly annoyed for not paying it herself before anyone noticed. 

“no, i was going to get it,” ryan joked. paige threw another napkin at him, which he dodged. 

“let me get the tip,” azzi insisted, before paige could volunteer herself.

“what– no! baby,” paige pleaded, trying to pray azzi’s hands away from searching for her wallet in her purse. 

“i’m going to get the tip,” she repeated, “cash is getting put on this table. don’t put anything on the card.” she pulled a couple of twenties from her wallet and tossed them onto the table. 

“thank you, azzi. you didn’t have to,” paige’s mom smiled at her. 

“thank you. this was wonderful. the food was great, and i had such a good time.” she meant it. she really did. 

the rest of the family stood up and made their way out of the restaurant, paige and azzi following behind. paige’s mom turned towards paige. “i’ll see you at the game tomorrow.” she gave her a hug. “our jerseys finally came in.”

“dude, i know, they take so long to ship,” paige frowned.“and azzi,” paige mom beamed, drawing her into a similar hug. “we’ll see you sooner rather than later, i hope. let us know when you’re free.”

“bye, azzi,” drew gave her an awkward side hug. she did the same to ryan and celia, who waggled her eyebrows at azzi as they pulled away and looked over at paige. azzi, in turn, flicked her eyes to ryan, and celia shrugged. 

azzi moved to hug paige’s stepdad while paige spun drew around in a circle. “hey, if you really want to come to a concert, just let me know the date. i can arrange tickets for you. i’m already doing it for her,” azzi said, nodding towards paige. 

“she can afford it herself,” ryan scoffed.

“but that’s what you do for people you care about,” paige’s mom admonished him. 

“that sounds great,” paige’s stepdad smiled. “i’ll ask paige to send me your number, so i can let you know.”

“anything you need,” azzi promised, “seriously.”

he thanked her, and they waved as they went their separate ways. the group of paige’s family headed across the parking lot to their own car, and two arms wrapped themselves around azzi’s waist from the back. 

“paige,” she complained. 

paige kissed her neck. “that was so much fun. they loved you. drew was so happy that you talked to just him for a while, i could see it on his face.”

azzi released a long breath, letting herself fall back into paige’s arms. “he’s so cute. he was so funny talking about his math teacher.”

“bro needs to lock in,” paige groaned.

“you were the same,” azzi reminded her, laughing. 

“whatever,” paige grumbled, “let’s go back to the car..”

“okay.” they separated, heading back into paige’s car. azzi buckled her seatbelt out of habit as paige keyed the ignition on. 

the car was silent as paige plugged instructions into her phone, and azzi stared out the window. she watched from a distance as ryan and drew chatted aimlessly, hopping into their own vehicle, at celia adjusting her braids in the reflection of the back door, at the parents having a discussion by the license plate. people from all parts of the country, coming together to exist as a family. 

it had been hard for a brief moment, but overall the meal had been near-perfect. everyone was kind, everyone liked to talk. azzi felt safe to exist as herself. there was still a bit of caution in her brain, but her heart couldn’t lie. 

watching them, azzi didn’t feel an ache. she felt like coming home. 

generally, being a part of this family didn’t feel like something unattainable, didn’t remind her of what was taken from her. there would always be moments of hurt, and no family was perfect, but it was present. she was free to exist without fear. she thought about her mother’s last words to her– 

i know we’re not perfect, honey, but we’re family. doesn’t that mean anything to you? we’re trying. 

it didn’t. it meant nothing to her. the concept of family, blood related family, made no difference. this family, these people who loved each other, who were open and calm and bickered like the world wouldn’t end if they disagreed, meant something. it opened up a part of azzi that she’d been shutting down, just a crack. 

“they’re really accepting,” she admitted quietly, “it’s really nice.”

“yeah,” paige smiled, “they’ve been there for me through a lot. so have my dad and my stepmom. no pressure to see them again anytime though, seriously.”

azzi sent her a grateful look. 

“hey, just wondering,” paige started carefully, “i know you haven’t seen your brothers in a while. and you don’t have to, at all– you don’t know what they’re like now, and they still live with your parents, and– well– have you ever thought about reaching out again?”

azzi’s heart squeezed in her chest. “yeah. i might.”

“sure,” paige said easily, not pushing any farther. the directions popped up on the car’s console, and she moved to apple music to choose a playlist to listen to. a song came on that azzi used to love in college, and she laughed as she recognized it. it was chill, a guitar-driven love song with a steady beat. 

“we’re on the seabed,” she sang under her breath, “dancing in the bay.”

paige grinned from ear to ear at her reaction, pleased that she enjoyed the choice. azzi rolled her eyes with a similar smile on her face. there wasn’t thing about her that paige didn’t seem to remember.

the song played out for a little, and they sat and listened. it felt right, just sitting there with paige. listening to a song she used to adore, full and fresh off a good hangout with good people. azzi regretted that she’d ever have to leave. 

it hit her, then, what this was. azzi was now fully integrated back into paige’s life. she’d met her teammates, her old friends, her family. they were far beyond pretense of being casual, beyond pretending like this wasn’t something deeper than what they were calling it. fuck. what was paige thinking? azzi hadn’t integrated her into her social circles the same, even though it wasn’t fully possible. 

azzi should set up a hangout with mackenzie, she thought, or dorka. everyone who’d filled in the cracks that had been created when she’d left paige. 

she stole a glance at paige, stupidly soft in her bright blue shirt. paige was already looking back at her with a strange look across her face, like she was deep in thought. 

“what?” azzi asked quietly.

paige chewed her lip for a second, contemplating. 

“i just want you to know,” she started slowly, “that i don’t ever want to make you feel unwanted or unloved ever again. i don’t want to make you have to fear that.

azzi’s heart skipped a nervous beat, and she blinked. “i know. same goes for you.” 

“no, i–” paige cut herself off, frustrated, “like, in any situation. i don’t think– i don’t want– fuck.”

“what?” azzi repeated, confused. 

“fuck,” paige muttered, again. “i didn’t want to– here– but–”

she buried her face in her hands. azzi looked around. was there something she was missing?

paige cleared her throat and put her hands down, shoulders adjusting. “i mean never. and i know we were stupid once, and we did this before with our guards not fully down. but this time– swear, this time feels different. and– shit,” she tore her eyes away from azzi, looking up at the ceiling, “this is so hard.”

azzi’s heartbeat rang through her entire head. she felt like she was buzzing. 

“azzi,” paige exhaled. she forced her gaze up to meet azzi’s again. her voice when she spoke was quiet and vulnerable. “would you want to try again?”

a wounded sound escaped from the depths of azzi’s throat. would you want to try again? would you want to try again? the words pounded in an echo in her mind. her hands clenched. her stomach swooped. paige felt it too. paige forgave her.  

“would you let me?”

“azzi,” paige turned towards the steering wheel, voice punched out, “i want you so badly. so badly. it’s driving me crazy.”

azzi drank in the lines of her body, slumped and almost defeated with it. like the weight of the love she was carrying physically hurt. 

“i want you,” azzi whispered. paige’s grip on her own shorts tightened. she pressed her lips together.

“you’re sure?”

“it’s all i ever want. always you,” azzi confessed. 

at her words, paige melted. she turned back towards azzi, eyes shining. azzi unbuckled her seatbelt and surged forwards, embracing her fiercely. mine, her head said. mine, mine, mine. her head rushed with it, squeezing paige even tighter. paige’s hands were somewhere around her back, pulling her as close as she could possibly get her. finally, finally, they could touch each other without reservation. 

when azzi’s core started to ache at how she was bent over, she pulled away. she sat back in her seat, a dopey smile on her face. mine. 

paige seemed to be having similar thoughts, because she leaned over towards azzi and kissed her cheek repeatedly. “my girlfriend,” she sing-songed as she finally moved to buckle herself in. 

azzi rolled her eyes. corny. she said nothing, body feeling like she was floating away from herself. jesus christ. she was a grown woman. a renowned artist.  she’d been fucking paige for half a year. she’d been in love with her forever. she could chill out. 

we’re dating, her brain reminded her. “holy shit,” she muttered. 

paige burst out laughing. “holy shit!” she affirmed, “this fucking rocks.”

“of course it does,” azzi tried to sound annoyed, but she couldn’t stop grinning. “i’m great.”

paige shook her head and turned up the music. “oh my god, i can’t wait to tell everyone. i mean, just our friends. not everyone.”

azzi thought about that stupid edit of them that she’d seen earlier. about how many likes were on it, how much support they had. half of her wanted to keep it that way– speculation, privacy. but the other half of her knew how well it would be received by most people. and she was tired of hiding. 

“everyone…eventually?” she asked carefully. 

paige’s hand froze on the clutch. “no rush.”

azzi nodded. she tried to hide her smile behind her hand so she looked less ridiculous.