Mr. V (freakstyle)

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Wash's panic attacks aren't violent, usually.

It's strange, Tucker thinks, because all of Wash's other outbursts tend to be violent. He wakes up screaming almost every night from nightmares and during episodes he sometimes accidentally hurts whoever is trying to get him out of it in his blind panic. His panic attacks are different though. It's a slow, creeping thing. His whole body tenses and stiffens, hands curling into fists or tightening around whatever he's holding. His breathing switches to something forced, measured but ragged. His eyes go vacant and glazed over but he never cries, just stares ahead with his jaw clenched so tight Tucker doesn't know how he doesn't break a tooth.

The worst part, in Tucker's opinion, is how Wash can keep doing whatever he needs to do through them. The only hesitation is a brief pause and then he pushes on, his hands don't even shake most of the time. Wash is steady even at his worst. It makes it particularly difficult to catch when Wash starts to go under and has forced Tucker to start paying close attention to Wash when things get dicey or emotional. Tucker has caught on, though, he knows the signs despite the fact that Wash tries to hide it. He watches for the clench of Wash's fist, for the shift in his breathing, for the single break in his voice when he gives a command.

Once he catches on, it becomes easy to spot the way Wash shuts everything down the second he feels panic starting to form. He isn't the most open and vulnerable person in general, but usually he's at least playful. Especially now, after getting to know them a little better, he's far more willing to be playful and even, and he'd kill Tucker if he ever heard him say it out loud, bitchy sometimes. When he starts to panic he goes cold and far away, he draws in on himself and acts like he has less emotions or personality than Lopez.

Tucker has observed all of these things from the countless hours he spends watching Wash. Originally it began because he didn't trust the son of a bitch as far as he can throw him and he constantly felt a need to keep an eye on him, but it slowly developed into something closer to curiosity and after he got a real look into Wash's true self it rapidly fell into worry. Wash has the particular vibes of those dogs with bite risk vests, the kind that will growl and snap if you get too close. He's always twitchy and on edge, and he snaps at them all the time, and runs them into the ground, and he's a huge asshole but its all because he seems to do nothing but worry about them. Wash keeps everything to himself because he thinks that death and pain follow him like a dog nipping at his heels. Tucker thinks that Wash wholeheartedly believes that if he reaches out or opens up all of them will drop dead within the week. Tucker gets it, he's heard a little about Wash's old freelancer buddies from eavesdropping on him and Carolina, but the justification doesn't make him worry any less. Wash might be a huge asshole, like seriously the guy rivals Church sometimes, but he's blue teams asshole. Despite it all Tucker cares about him and that means Tucker worries about him constantly because as much as they've all, unfortunately, gotten far more comfortable with the feelings shit Wash has never told Tucker what makes him wake screaming and fighting. He's never told Tucker where he goes on days where his eyes are empty and stormy.

Tucker honestly prefers the violent outbursts, at least then its easy to understand that something is wrong and do something about it. Tucker tries to help, tries to have his back when he can even if Wash won't really let him in because he cares about Wash more than he really cares to admit. Some days Wash seems so far away that Tucker wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he seems like he's back with them, wants to scream in his face that he cares and that he wants Wash to talk to him.

He tries to be there, tries to show Wash that he's going to stay by his side as much as he can. Tucker desperately wishes Wash would open up but he knows that forcing him won't do anything but push him away and make him hide things deeper and deeper. Right now Wash isn't ready, and that's okay because Tucker doesn't need to know exactly whats going on in his head in order to know that something is. Tucker is used to winging it, and with Wash's guidance he's learned that maybe taking a moment to sit back, observe, and formulate a plan actually does have some merit. One day Tucker hopes Wash will feel safe and comfortable enough to open up to him, to let someone else into the walls he's built up to keep himself safe.

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