This Pen Is My Sword

So, around mother's day I started the keto diet and working out 5 days a week. I was doing great, I lost 47 pounds. In July I applied for a better job to only be rejected due to the fact I can't work at night (sorry my 3 year old daughter is a priority). Fast forward to September, my world came to a standstill so to speak. Michael and I were talking about getting a house and we found one we really liked, but he needed something from the VA to prove his time in the Marines before he was approved for a loan, and on top of that we were out bid. Another year in an apartment that is too much money and we're going to struggle to make it through. There also was someone who I thought was a good friend disregard any and all advice given to her and once there was a consequence for her actions again my advice went in one ear and out the other. She became angry and short with me which hurt because I was there for her and yet she didn't feel as though I wasn't. She kept saying other people were there for her while I didn't do shit. It hurts to have that thrown at you when all you try to do is be there.

I was struggling with her choices in the matter but I still stood by her and supported her. I was dealing with not being able to get into a house, not getting that job, and I was slowly wanting to just see my mom. I want my parents to see Olivia they've only seen her once in her 3 1/2 years of life. I was about to ask Michael to see if we can cash in two weeks of PTO, one to pay for some tickets to visit them and the other to take that week off w/o having to worry about money. However; Michael's job shorted him on bonus money so I ended up having to cash it in so I could help with bills. I really needed a friend to help me deal with my problems and cope. It's funny how no one was there especially the one I've tried so hard to help.

I am no longer friends with her, because apparently someone said I was talking crap about her, which I don't think I did. I do know that a few people asked me if we were still friends and I would reply "I don't know, we aren't as close as we once were!" I even had someone tell me that's true, she & I were drifting apart for a while, it was only a matter of time before it was completely done. It sucks because I work with her and I have to see her, I get the cold shoulder from her to top it off which is no fun! Now I just keep to myself and work. Something I was doing before she stepped into my life. Guess it's for the best.

Anyway. I just feel like I babbled my life away haha! I'm going to be okay, I'm getting back to myself. Finally!

I found this quote the other day and it has been so fitting for me lately.

Thanks for reading.

So I’ve been quiet again and I’m sorry. Just been working and being a mom...both full time! Michael has been working and being a dad also both full time! Things have been good started working out again and trying SO hard to cut sweets out of my diet! Everything else I’ve cut back on because it’s easy sweets are my down fall!

I am down 7lbs but I have a super long way to go!! Help me stop sweets!! I would love to be back to my confident self (not like I’m not confident, but to be more so)!!

We had a wonderful time with family & friends! We hope you did too!

When you sneeze someone’s auto reply is “bless you” or “God bless you!” When you help someone, they reply “God bless your kind heart!” Growing up, I’ve never really understood this, I still don’t as an adult either! Even as a Christian I do not! Why? What is a blessing persay? I’ve always thought do good and good will return; do bad and bad will return. Most call that karma.

Now, to have good return to oneself, one will have to be good all the time. In reality, one can not accomplish this, one is born with the free will to chose how to live be it good or bad! This makes for blessings to be kept from the individual so wouldn’t blessings be the same exact same thing as karma? I have been thinking about this for a while now, and I am just outright confused!

So answer me this world, what do you think blessings are? I want to know your opinions!

I know Olivia & Michael are the good in my life, because “somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good!”

Last night, Michael & I had a long over due date night! We went to Red Loster, ate and talked about life and how we can improve upon it! We went shopping and bought Michael some shirts for work, Olivia some cute pajamas, slippers, and a dress for picture day! We had an all around relaxing & fun evening!

Today I had to work, it was a crazy busy day as I helped a coworker do her job. She’s a great friend so it wasn’t so bad to help her out! I just wish customers weren’t so rude! I mean we are doing the best we can to help you, why do you have to be rude & a complete mess?

When I got home today, Michael wasn’t feeling all that great so I told him to take a nap! While he slept, Olivia and I played and watched Elmo music videos on YouTube! She was happy when I made her Mac & cheese for supper and she ate half of what I gave her which was quite a bit!

Tomorrow I work, I just hope it is better than today! ❤️

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When I was younger I always thought that I would be a mother of at least two children by the age of 31, however; I will be 31 Friday (March 14) and I have been trying to start a family for about 9 months now. Looking back, I am thankful for the things that led me to today and I wouldn't trade it for the world. When I was in college I met a man who I ended up marring soon after graduation, it barely lasted a year and he is now out of the closet and has a serious boyfriend. While he and I were married we were partially trying to start a family, but with no prevail. Soon after that marriage was over I started dating a man who was getting out of the Army and a marriage as well. I did everything in my power to make him happy and he just took it and didn't give anything back. I worked 78 hour weeks and it wasn't good enough for him while he sat at home and claimed unemployment and drank all day. I was very lucky that through all that unprotected sex he and I had that I did not get pregnant. After 3 long and stressful years I finally had enough and ended the relationship. He called me names for leaving and finding another man rather quickly. He moved on quickly as well, to the girl he was cheating on me with; she ended up pregnant with in a month of the two of them getting together. I was pretty upset over it because he swore he was sterol and that he didn’t want kids anyway.

Here I am today, two days before my 31st birthday, thankful to have a man who appreciates me and loves me for who I am and not for all the things I do for him. I have suffered a chemical pregnancy a year ago and it depressed me for about a week. I then got up, dusted myself off and started going to the gym and trying to make myself better. I have moments where I get down because I see quite a few of my friends pregnant or who just gave birth. It’s occasionally hard to deal with, and I just want to cry myself to sleep on those days, but I know there are people out that are just like me yearning to be a mother and they are strong. I need to be strong and I know that one day God will bless Michael & I with a child. I have been praying, and I have a feeling that it will happen sometime soon, and I feel that God wants us to have a house (a stable environment) for the child before we bring one into this world.

Yesterday I FINALLY started my period lol! I started not even caring that I didn't start yet, but I did which made me happy! It means I won't be bleeding on Valentine's Day! :)! I worked over night and I felt sore, but I pushed through it and had a good work shift! I worked 10.5 hours (yay for over time), and I worked out after! I usually take a nap after, but I figured I would write first before I forget to!!

Next month is Michael & my anniversary! We'll be married 2 years on March 1st, I can't believe it's been that short of a time! It feels longer, but it could be because I lived with him a year before we got married! I don't know what I would have done with out him by my side! I went through hell before I met him (maybe one day I'll write about that), and I can truly say I am happy!!

As I was struggling on what to write, I posted a status on FaceBook for those who have read my blog to help me come up with something to write about, and my sister suggested that I write about my diet and my challenges with it!

Ok, challenge accepted :)! 

I started eating better as of August of last year. I wavered here and there with the excuse of being too tired to cook. When I do cook however I do a lot of turkey and chicken. I hardly ever cook red meat because I hear that's not all that healthy for you. It's very hard to stick with small portions of starch if I have pasta or rice. I love pasta, always have, so to have just one small portion and not go back for more is one of the many challenges I face. I occasionally make turkey chili and put on the top a serious amount of cheese and sour cream (some habits are hard to brake), but I only eat one serving of that and maybe for lunch the next day. When I cook chicken, I make it with broccoli (I want other vegetables, but Michael is somewhat a picky eater), and couscous which is a pasta which makes me have to watch my intake on that. Tonight, I am cooking turkey breast with couscous and broccoli. 

My breakfast usually consists of a protein shake or oatmeal something that will keep me full until lunch time when I usually have a salad or something left over (like turkey chili), and for dinner I TRY so hard to cook! Michael has started helping me cook which makes me cook more and happier! He's such a good sous-chef, he takes instruction very well! I love working with him and having him by my side through this journey!

I am hoping eventually that this eating healthy will help him to make up his mind on weather or not he will join me in the gym some day! He went with me once, and hasn't been back. He works a lot and it wears him out, but I do hope one day he will join me there!! 

I am waiting until February 3rd, to weigh myself. I know such an odd date, but it is the day after the Super Bowl, and also it would be exactly one month after I started going back to the gym hardcore! I will hopefully write about the out come :)! If the weight is a good amount I will post right away if not I won't be discouraged, but encouraged to push myself that much more! 

To my readers I want to thank you all so much for standing by me during these rambles and having my back through out this journey! Together we can go far!