That Paul Ferry

Time Ram: Desmond's Day

Tonight, Mr. Ncuti Gatwa stars in Father's Day, presented by Time Ram (because Desmond Llewellyn couldn't make it). What starts as a simple trip for Ruby to meet her adoptive father turns into a chaos when she causes a paradox and cockblocks the Doc. Join our three hosts as they reminisce about Pertwee panels, quiz about Cockney rhyming slang, wax nostalgic about dial-up pornography, and debate which Doctor would win in a fight. Get ready to hit the toilet roll (but not for that, no wonder young Conrad gets traumatized) in Desmond's Day!

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Time Ram: Darwin's Gorilla (From Parts)

Up from the dusty museum basement of the McCoy era, Time Ram rebuilds Ghost Light from parts to furnish the Whittaker Exhibition. Tragically, some of those parts have been lost in transit; I suspect they were sent to Java. Nevertheless, join Thirteen and the Fam as they confront Neanderthal husks, Victorian imperialism, and a CGI orangutan reverend in the bowels of Gabriel Chase. Thirteen gets her welding goggles out and acts all mysterious*. Yaz gets in a homoerotic catfight. Light takes tea with Azal, and everyone in the Fam is secretly an arsonist.

There's a darkness here in the bad end of Perivale. Perhaps it's time to shed a little Light on the subject...

Alternate versions and footnote under the cut.

Time Ram goes into the shower alone and encounters Colin Baker’s ‘The Curse of Fenric’. In the process, we discover serious over-writing, Takis and Lilt, Mountain Dew, Jacques Cousteau and slippery babies! Listen in for more of this nonsense and to discover the answer to everything! It’s in there somewhere.

With special guest star Richard Knapper.

Time Ram - Fancy Threads

Take a story starring Gatwa, Remake as a Pat Troughton tale; If you should look For a pod that'll smack ya, That's oddly filled with Macra, This cast is the one!

Timeram Ramamant! Timeram Ramamant!

Yes, it's Time Ram, taking their first Gatwa episode and ramming it roughshod into the Troughton era. Unfortunately, this is 1966, so most of the gay content didn't make it. More unfortunately, there isn't actually a lot left once that gets taken out. Still, that's all the more space to jam in John Lennon, sonic sporrans, and discussions about how much shagging was occurring in 1813. On top of all that, this is the episode that launched Doctor Who's first spinoff show, that incredible fast-paced detective thriller of a secret agent out of his natural environment... Inspector Macra?

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Creeptober 29: Vampiric Coven

Time Ram: What We Do in E-Space

It's time to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and Ram in the Time of three Draculas! That's right, it's Jodie Whittaker's take on State of Decay, and it's Doctor Who's crossover with What We Do in the Shadows! Ryan gets fascinated by a piece of cheese while Graham gets blind on a pint of Kalmar's best. Plus, the Time Lords' ancient campaign against the Great Vampires finally gets a bit of screen time! So let's all have a big hand (a very, very big hand) for the Doctor as she takes on the fiendish forces of the night, in the form of Kayvan Novak, Natasia Demetriou, and Matt Berry.

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Time Ram - The Occidental Toymaker

There's a lot that's missing from the sixties; to name a few, Ace of Wands, George and Margaret, and The Celestial Toymaker. Well, no more on the last one, thanks to Time Ram bringing it bang up to date in the Matt Smith era! No more stills, studio floors, and hidden thimbles; now it's surreal hotels, zero-gravity Tetris courses, and screaming pawns. With the Doctor sidetracked by the Trilogic puzzle, it's up to Amy and Rory to face down the many faces of the Windsors, plus Patton Oswalt's legally-dubious Italian-British schoolboy plumber. Meanwhile, the Toymaker's trying to squeeze in eighteen holes before the Doctor makes his... final move.

Fun fact about this one, my art program crashed eleven times while I was doing the letters. Apparently it gets fussy when you start hand-distorting every individual letter to make it 3D, who woulda thunk it?

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Time Ram: It's a Museum... A SPACE Museum!

Hang a left at the Outdated Cellphone Planet and just three parsecs after the Municipal Swimming Planet, you'll arrive at the Morok Military History Museum... a SPACE museum! Granted, it's seen better days; the sausages on sticks aren't the freshest, the bunting is hanging loose, and the little shop has been closed indefinitely. But, you can still see such exhibits as the pencil drawing of a walrus, or a bikini-clad David Tennant riding a unicorn! Gawk at the Sita spinoff that wasn't! Gasp at the massive embalming machine! Shudder at the Xeron eyebrow porn! But do it quickly; the museum is closing soon. What, after all, is anyone's purpose at the end of empire, if not revolution?

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Time Ram - The Tartan Dilemma

And you thought his normal coat was bad! But when the Sixth Doctor puts on his patchwork tartan leotard, only two things are certain; he's going to Scotland, and Peri is going to pretend she's never met him before in her life. Yes, it's the Sixth Doctor's take on Terror of the Zygons, with Bandrels for Skarasens, Bambera for Brigadier, and haggis for all! Harry's still the same, though.

Join the Time Ram team as they discuss how Zygons have survived in the new series, where to obtain polonium shite, and which Doctor Who monsters are nudest -- and why? As the Doctor's cat badge would say, "Hoots!"

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Time Ram: Whodunnit???

As Time Ram takes Jon Pertwee and rams him heartily into The Unicorn and the Wasp, they take some time to ponder the strange mysteries that surround this story. For instance, why does Gareth Roberts keep reusing his old material? Would it have been better if the Wasp was the jewel thief and the alien was a unicorn? How is this even meant to be a mystery when there aren't actually any suspects or evidence? And was that really the best flashback effect they could've got in 2008?

Thankfully, we've got an old and improved version from 1974 with much less bum-licking, 100% less alien pregnancy, and flashback effects that are more forgivable, given the time period. Tune in for Sontaran dirty mags, Cluedo arguments, and Jo Grant's boat race against a goat! But at the end of the podcast, you'll still be left with one dastardly conundrum; where was episode three when the lights went out?

Alternate versions below the cut.

Time Ram: Army of Companions

Hm? Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you come in. I was putting my finishing touches on this shrine to JNT, to commemorate his brilliance in setting up a Dalek-Cyberman bitch-off in this most iconic of Fifth Doctor stories. There's a reason it's the only time the third episode of a Doctor Who story ever got its own Radio Times cover; featuring Peter Davison's exploding dick, no less!* Tune into Time Ram to discover why the Daleks so admire the gardens in the Traken Union, what the ultimate fate of Peri's British cousin was, and how Varsh came to headline a prog rock group. Come listen as Adric gets sucked off... for what might be the final time...

*of course I included it. how could I not?

Alternate versions and individual, full-color pictures from the article below the cut.

Time Ram - Armageddon Comes to Milton Jeavons

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. Why? Because it's in an alternate reality where The End of the World was a Tom Baker story; one where Lady Cassandra is a bald, silver Penelope Keith, where Leela, Jeb Jajubjajoo (Bob Hoskins), and the decaying Robo-Pleasance fight to survive on a dying Earth, and where K-9 helps a blue plumber played by Helen Mirren fight the Living Skins from The Tomorrow People in an oversized air duct. Better put the Beatles on the iPod, because this is one wind that will be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of the Earth!

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Time Ram goes all mystery and suspense as we turn our focus to Peter Capaldi’s ‘Death to the Daleks’. Probably. Music cues! Von Daniken! Voices like angels! Roots! Helen Mirren and an unlikely late appearance by Paul Darrow! It’s all going on. HOO-HAR!

Time Ram - 1964: Year of the Dragon

I wanted to try and get this done while the Year of the Dragon is ongoing, so I did scrape through with a few weeks to go!

The Doctor's loss of Susan is fresh, but his next adventure is going to be absolutely frozen as the TARDIS arrives on Iceworld and encounters cheerful waitresses, mercury-powered freezers, space pirates, and ice-cold criminals. The Doctor has a literal cliffhanger. Vicki throws away her pinnie and flips over a coin. Belazs gets a proper character arc. Kane is building an ice statue of his lost love. That... is ice, right? RIGHT?

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Creeptober 21 - Weird Archtecture

Time Ram - Zero (Pr)Escher

It's the first episode of the Paul McGann era, that thrilling tale of lost fathers, treacherous brothers, and McGann's glistening abs. And what better way to kick off this action-filled American series than Castrovalva? Almost anything? Tough! The Ram says that's what we've got! So tune in for Chang Lee counting cards, dragons soaring over MC Escher cathedrals, Zero Hats, Time Lord fork lifts, and the musical stylings of Hanson. Will this be the story that gets Fox to greenlight a full series? Yeah, apparently, because there have already been six other McGann stories! Time Ram!

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Creeptober 17 - Strange Geometry

Time Ram - Two Flat Ladies

It's episode 69, baby! You know what that means; Turlough's getting frothy, Tegan's getting bolshy, and the TARDIS is getting smaller on the outside. That's right, the Time Ram has swapped Peters, taking Capaldi's dimensionally transcendental Flatline and transposing it into the Davison era. The TARDIS has gotten into a sticky situation, and I don't just mean from the incessant pineapple snacking; the Doctor and Turlough are trapped inside a shrunken, dying TARDIS, leaving Tegan to contend with Chromakeyed outlines, Helen Mirren's Thatcher analogue, and her Jeyes Fluid-covered granddad. It could always be worse, though; at least Tom Baker's not getting chased around by a graffiti'd cock and balls.

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Time Ram: The Co-Pilot

You WILL get wet. You MAY get soaked. It's Time Ram, with Barry Williams (not the cricket writer), Paul Ferry (not from Maggie), and Rupert Booth (NOT the fucking bear!!!). And it's the beginning of a new era of the Fourteenth Doctor's new spinoff with The Pilot. Starring David Againnant as the Doctor, Bonnie Langford as Mel, and Venita Richie Millie Gibson Anya Westbrook Eva Sharples June Brown Poloma Faith the robot Donald Pleasance Kim Kardashian Fearne Brady Rose Matafeo Awkwafina as Jill Trude. Yes. Good.

Tennant's taking a page from ol' Chronotis' book while talking fourteen to the dozen. Mel's arm is Mel-functioning after watching attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. And there's really not much to change, actually, so tune in for the lads pitching a series of films starring Sean Connery and Michael Caine!

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