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Im not sure because im not even sure if im autistic or what.

It was a good job, working on what i studied, I liked the things i did, etc. It had a few perks, like that it was 2h away or that i had a shitty salary. But i counted on that.

What i didnt count was a boss that treated me like a machine, that didnt listen to my sugestions ("we could use this program, it just what you want me to do, but faster!"), and generally didn't care about me at all. She made me stay always at least 1/4 hour after my time, gave me less hours a day so she could obligate me to stay at evenings whenever she pleased, and when she did that she made me stay on a 3h "lunch-break", a total of at least 10 hours in the workplace, and 14 h out of home; she never ever listened to my aproximations on time, and assumed I would do it as fast as her previous employees, as well as doing 2 or more things at a time, like making phonecalls and designing (let me give you a hint, those things need ATTENTION, A HIGH AMOUNT OF ATTENTION); she complained "You ask too much, I already gave you 1 day off a week!!" or "you are too whiny, always complaining about the timings, and the jobs"; and a lot of things that i dont know how they can be present on only a week of employment.

I asked people what should I do, and everyone said "just pass", "ignore it" and "do what she says and ignore how she says it".

And here is what i think my autism took a part.

I tried as hard as I could, but I couldn't, not even a bit. Everything my boss said affected me, and I couldn't handle that.

But then I can talk about my bussines for hours. The thing that makes me think that it's not actually my special interest is that sometimes I get tired of it. Like, I need a few days not thinking about it because I get overwhelmed. I love it, and the idea of not doing it right makes me anxious, very very very anxious.

I think that one of the reason is get tired of it is that I have to actually talk to people (it's a bussines, duh), and handle the stress of not knowing what to say, because a bad word or bad phrasing can make me lose a client. And I'm like poor right now, so that's a tragedy. (My target is a very whiny, victimist and egocentric one. Some don't think twice to destroy someone's career)

I love drying my hair. It's my "cancel out every other stimulation by pumping hot air to my head".

It makes me calm, it sets me to my sleep temperature (I tend to reach 40°C while sleeping), and EVERYONE LEAVES ME ALONE, which has helped me set this as my moment.

I work with t-shirts. I print them, and I have to buy a lot over time. Every time I have to make an order, I order myself the same t-shirt, on the same size and weight, only with colour changed. I have now the same marbled tshirt 6 times on different variations of purple and blue.

I can’t remember how was life before.

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Blue tshirt

In my house there's the "wearing confy pants/shoes makes you fat and is not professional" rule.

Leggins, sports pants, or anything that its ment to be confy are FORBIDDEN.

I have a job only because my father is a very good person, and trusted me enoguh to buy a very expensive machine to let me work on what i love (printing). And also lets me use a part of his studio, so bless him.

I've been fired or left all my other jobs until now, so this is the only thing i see myself capable of doing.

I have a one and only complaint.

I'm forces to work on these conditions, and I'm not allowed to put any more order (last summer there were 75 more buckets full of rotten paint, that I personally cleaned and threw).

That at te top right is one of my spots, where I'm allowed to iron my tshirts, and from where I made the photo is where I have the computer and printers.

I have to pass through all the garbage every time I have to iron/print something.

List of things I always do/have that I now realise are an autistic trait #10

My boyfriend is a musician, he plays de violin. I love going to his concerts, because when the music is good I can enjoy like nothing else. And when I dont like it, I just get bored and spend the time looking at my beautiful boyfriend enjoying what he loves, which also is awesome. But one time he warned me that one piece he and his orchesta had been practicing would affect me, because it had to do with death (a very sensible topic for me). I thought he was exagerating.

It was the most horrendous concert I’ve ever been. I cried all the time, I went numb and couldn’t even think about anything. It went on for 36 FUCKING MINUTES. I felt trapped. All I could think of was that I wanted to run away of that shit.

I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the concert, which had 3 of my favorite pieces and another hour of being trapped there. 

Later I realised that that was a sensory overload. Never again.

One of my favorite stims is SPAGUETTIS

Like

I fucking LOVE THEM

The texture

The flavour

How they look

Because of that, everytime I’m down, my mom will cook spaguettis (which happens very often). Which makes me very very very happy, but also has created a kind of eating disorder. I’m now 123kg, and my doctor said that I have to stop eating spagettis. But I’ll die if I stop eating spaguettis.

Unless I get actually diagnosed with actual autism, I won’t get any help at all, so I’ll just keep eating these sweet sweet spaguettis.

My bf an I have an agreement. If he wants to show me a story (movie, series, book, news, etc), and at the beginning it’s harmful (in the “i feel very unconfortable symathising with the characters” way), he has to tell me if it ends well. If not, I will stop consuming that.

I have a story of masochist acting at consuming movies and series that made me feel a lot of pain (like the Saw series, terror movies, etc) because at 8 my religion teacher made us see “The passion of the Christ”, which led me with a trauma about me not being “strong enough” about pain. 

When someone gifts something to me, if i like it even a little bit, I have to try to be grateful, because my natural reaction is to only burst into happiness and going straight to enjoy that thing that they brought me. 

Singing is one of my stims. But my family always tells me to shut the fuck up, so im not allowed to do it very often. 

When strangers hear me sing, they always tell me that I have a beautiful voice.

So, whenever im at work, alone, and im upset (which happens very often), I like to sing my guts out, even if someone can hear me from the outside.

I NEED the touch of my boyfriend whenever I’m around him. Usually it’s a hug. Sometimes (more often than not), trying to erase pimples and hairs that aren’t where they should. Whenever he is doing something on the computer (he’s a gamer and programmer, he’s always on the computer), I try to be near him to be able to touch his hand. When I’m anxious, I like to touch his hair and look for things in it (his hair is much longer than mine, and stronger). 

I’ve always collected stim objects that bring me joy. My favourites are:

- Squishy toys

- That cube with buttons and guizmos

- Those rubber handbands (they are marvelous to chew)

- My collections of plushies, with hairy fabric

- Articulated toys (do you remember that 40cm spiderman with over 120 articulations? It’s one of my favorites)

- Any toy that can fit in my closed hand. They’re marvelous. The other day i bought 5 teddy bears of 4.5cm

- My own hair. Its LONG, and dense, and robust, and i love playing with it.

- If there was a pacifier for adults, i would buy it, for sure.

- Small chains, for playing with my hands.

When I was a child, I had a variety of special interests, over which I would obessively daydream, talk or draw. They changed through my childhood, but some stayed until my teenage years. Some were:

- Kingdom Hearts (and all its fandom, specially Axel)

- Robotics

- Tamagotchis

- Swimpools (I went to swimming classes at 4, but my parents wouldnt let me swim at all after that, because it was “expensive”. I’m now super obsessive over the possibility of going to any -clean- swimpool)

- My OC’s (I stopped at 11 because I got bullied because of them)