TURN MY SWAG ON

Wait, so after all that you’re just gonna give up? Don’t you want that pizza burger mac & cheese with fries on top? Because I, for one, would pay good money to watch you eat all that. Not in a weird kink way, I have a morbid curiosity. 

I never give up, dude. Sometimes I just get sleepy and I have to come back to it later. I wanted it so bad, but the universe had a different plan for me. Now I have to try and make one ever taller and wider to reclaim my status as the number one most feared dining hall guy. How much money? Because I just need $5 for the vending machine. 

Wow. That is literally the best food thing I’ve heard today. How big was your plate? Did you have help? How long did it take you? How did you keep the food from getting cold? How tall was it? Did you take any pictures? Also, did they run out chicken nuggets? Is that why you didn’t put them on your food mountain? 

Thank you, thank you. I always knew I was a genius, but nobody else saw it. The plate was average sized, which is crazy because I feel like they should have plates of all sizes and shapes, right? But this one was like, medium to small. Definitely not the correct sized dinner plate. No help because this Patrick is a star. I kept the food warm by doing what I like to call “Patrickization” which basically means as I’m piling other food on I’m blowing on the food because my breath runs hot. As far as height, I’d say maybe three thumbs up. I didn’t take photos this time, but Ive got a ton on my phone and I’d be more than happy to show them off anytime. Chicken nuggets! I totally forgot about those! Thanks for reminding me; they’re definitely going on there next time. 

Patrick, buddy, you are so creative. I couldn’t think of anything like that! But I recommend going pizza-mac-patties-cheese-veggies-buns-fries next time! All the stickier stuff on the bottom for everything to hold onto, plus if you poke a little reservoir into the buns they can hold the fries like a bowl and voila! No more wasted food! 

Poking holes in the bun so they form a little fry forest! I like that idea, Bobby. That’s why you’re the brains and I’m the stomach. Together we make a small part of what could be a large body. I’m definitely using that next time. I couldn’t go make another plate because I’d already made three and apparently people were getting “concerned”. Maybe next time you can make another plate for me and then we could totally like, chow down. 

( mentally: this man is clearly stoned. ) Yeah, man, that’s crazy. ( but he also might be the funniest motherfucker i’ve ever met. ) I think what you should’ve done is this: get a big bowl. NOT the type they keep near the soup - that’s a rookie mistake. you should’ve got the ones they keep toward the salad bars. yeah, the one no one ever goes to ever since someone found a - actually, if you eat there, i don’t think you want to know. and just sort of piled everything into there. that way, it can’t slip out! it’s like a crib for food.

Oh, dude! A BOWL! Duhhhhhhhh. Where were you when I was slipping and sliding all over the pizza grease! I’ve always had a problem with small bowls, so I get what you’re saying about the soup bowls. You’d think if you want someone to get like, a lake of soup they should give them big enough bowls. And deeper spoons. There’s no good soup spoons here. A crib, huh? I could use one for my room. Sometimes I fall asleep so hard that I roll out of bed. Mad, dude, mad.