So I’m sat here drinking tea and feeling miserable and angry all at the same time. I’m miserable because things fucked up again and angry because I let it happen, I’m so angry at myself!  

Things with my part-time lover is officially deceased, today he completely avoided me and and refused to speak one word to me as if I never existed or we were never friends like I’m invisible.

I tried to keep things professional, but I was disregarded like I wasn’t even present or worthy of conversation!

It’s fine of he wanted to end things but don’t treat me like I was never a friend or colleague, Jesus we still have to work together!  The atmosphere now is really uncomfortable, he used me and told me sweet little lies and controlled me to now make me feel like the evil bitch, when I was the one fooled yet again! 

This time I am older and stronger, and you all I have to say is FUCK YOU, FUCK WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! 

It feels so good to write that down!

I’m keeping myself busy…plus new tattoo next week!! It’s time for a new me, and baby, Satan has saved you a place in the pit. 

‘ʏȏȗ ɞяȏҡє ṭһє ʟȏċҡṡ, ı ɢяѧɞɞєԁ ȏṅṭȏ ʏȏȗ. ʟȏṡṭ ıṅ ṭһєṡє яȏȏṃṡ… ẇһѧṭ ԁıԁ ı ṡєє?’

On my last encounter with my 'forbidden fruit’ the feeling had somewhat changed not so much on my part but I felt that he had changed and perhaps holding back, he turned to me and told me that this was the last time and that we couldn’t see each other anymore.

Was he joking? Or was he being sincere? I really could not tell…but hearing him say it really got to me, I practically gave up my way of life for him and was pretty satisfied with what we had going I had no need for anyone else given my busy lifestyle, having him there for my moments of need was convenient for me…even if he wanted me to be 'just his’ I was ok with that.

I was upset and angry, upset that he didn’t want to see me anymore and angry that he didn’t give me any notification and even more angry at the fact our last moment together didn’t feel special and felt rushed and disconnected…compared to usual. Upset and angry that he had the audacity to say that if he was single he would have asked me to be his girlfriend, upset and angry he bought me a Valentine's Day card!!! Although he spent what felt like moments breathing me in and taking in my scent k couldn’t help but feel it was all a façade and how I wanted to believe he still cared but I just cannot.

Now only time will tell what’s to come and what will happen, whether he spoke truth or lies. Whereas I now have to pick myself up again and move on, get back to normal back to me again.

For now I have my work to focus on, my friends and my loved ones! Thursday I have an afternoon coffee date, the first in a long while and in the evening I go to Bring Me The Horizon with my good friend and work mate, which I absolutely cannot wait for!! She’s been a rock to me these past few days so glad I met her!! She understands my woes.

‘When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it’

Genesis 3:4

Why is it that what is forbidden so desirable and tempting? Why does the devil ride with me? Why like the spider do I weave my web and wait? Why do I cry like the lone wolf in the dark at night? Why do I carry the burden and guilt of my sins? Why do I love with a heart so big and let in light, for it only to become tainted with evil?

- What am I destined for? - Does he have plans for me? - Am I his siren?

Just to lure,love and left again to sing my sad song.... I doubt I’ll ever really know. 

Brought into the world by my parents baptised in the name of the Lord, I considered myself a child of God, attending church, being a good obedient child and always respectful and dignified.  As I got older, somewhere it changed and I believe that the devil himself changed my direction to a road full of sweet temptations and mysteries something he knew I was thirsty for, the corruption of a soul and the committing of sins will surely bring this soul to him, to continue his work and deliver more. 

‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ ‘Thou shalt not covet (neighbor's wife)’

Changing the word ‘wife’ to ‘husband’ this is something I have done twice, breaking a marital home and bond two people share. Although, I never intentionally set out to do so, the opposite are drawn to me and fall steadfast making the temptation and desire to strong to resist, my forbidden fruit is ripe for the taking and for such actions I don’t get to live in Paradise but a lonely world where all I feel is the pain and suffering because I am just the abundance of their wildest fantasies, the secret lover, dark angel.

‘Because I was born to be the other woman, who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone’ - Lana Del Rey (Ride Prologue)

This is my realisation, for I have loved in the past loved so much my heart could have imploded, but I was in love with evil and that evil broke me and changed me, that evil pushed me, hit me, violated me, made me fear for my life, made me hate myself, made me want to die, made me lose,...I have never been the same since and the redness of my heart, dried out and became burnt black that would crumble to the touch...the fragility of my being is finer than bone china, but its fortress is big and brutal - iron clad and tall with spikes to spear through those who attempt to break the fortress down.

As messy, confusing and deeply sombre as it sounds, it is the honest truth of how I feel and what I feel, something which I have never let out and never brave enough to share with anyone else.  Here I am pouring myself onto Tumblr, because I just cannot hold this in any longer, especially after the way I am feeling about a current affair...one I feel I have gotten in too deep and one in which I am being discarded, disregarded like the sad girl I am...the pathetic mistress who will never be treated like a lady but who will always be there for her man,the pathetic mistress who wonders why he doesn't reply to her and why he’s mean, the pathetic mistress who cares too much to leave and who is enchanted by the sweet nothings of her companion...the pathetic mistress who feels the electricity between them when they make love. He calls her his girl, he says she’s his...

...he drives me crazy  ...he drives me wild