Patch Notes

AUCKLAND - After purchasing tickets early morning, local man Jim Anderson reportedly spent Monday convincing himself -incorrectly- that this would be the last opportunity he will have to see the band tour live.

"As soon as I saw tickets were available I snapped them as quick as I could" said Anderson, in a attempt to explain his clumsy reasoning and lack of foresight. "It's been pretty widely publicized that this is their final reunion tour and then they're calling it quits" he continued, categorically wrong, the band will unite several times in the future for a world tour.

"I'm as just excited as I was three years ago when I managed to secure a ticket to their last final reunion tour and a further six years ago when I attended their final reunion tour before that! I couldn't believe it when they announced another a few months ago, this time it's truly their last hoorah" continued Jim, desperately trying to validate his poor decision making skills.

"I've never been a die-hard fan and I know some people said last time that they'd lost their edge" said Jim describing the band, which are now only a shadow of their former selves and regularly disappoint crowds worldwide. "But they're all getting on a bit now and how would I feel if I missed my last chance to see them?"

"I really can't wait. It should be a really special night" surmised Jim, wrongly.

Investigators revealed this week that several hundreds of thousands of couples are completely unaware that the song they identify as 'our song' -the one that they danced to on their wedding night- was written about highly addictive narcotic drugs.

In a sit-down interview last Thursday, local couple Jane and Brian Johnson talked about what part their song had played in their relationship.

"Well..." began Jane, blushing, "I was sitting in a coffee shop doing a crossword when Brian here walked through the door. He got a drink and sat at the table across from me when this awful song from the 80's came on the radio. It was one of those cheesy love songs and we both rolled our eyes at each other" she continued.

"Looking back on it now, you can't help but think about the lyrics and how they perfectly described our situation. The artist sings about a chance meeting with a beautiful woman on a Sunday afternoon and how from then on he knew he had to have her" explained Brian.

What the couple don't know is this song is written as a symbolic representation of the songwriter's first interaction with hardcore drugs. What started as a casual afternoon of recreational experimentation soon spiraled into a lifelong addiction to multiple classes of life ruining narcotics.

"We dated casually for a long time ... we both didn't feel any pressure in the relationship. It was nice" elaborated Jane. "It wasn't until Brian moved away for work for 6 months that we both realized how in love with each other we were and how we couldn't stand to be apart. The same thing happens part way into our song. I gave us direction at the time."

Despite what Jane thinks the song is about, she could not be further from the truth. The songwriter is actually recounting how at the beginning of his drug usage he hadn't realized how dependent he was becoming on the substance. It wasn't until he lost his job and source of income that he discovered the consequences of his lifestyle. Without money to pay for drugs he quickly lapsed into dizzying withdrawals. Unable to take this reaction he quickly resorted to petty theft to support his habit.

"Our marriage hasn't been all sunshine and roses, though" chuckled Jane. "Just like the couple in the song we had a few of rough patches and even a trial separation ... but we always made it back together some way or another."

Again, Jane and Brian are deeply oblivious to the true meaning behind this section of the song. The musician is actually eluding to the multiple unsuccessful attempts to kick the drug over his lifetime. Several interventions by his family and friends led him to rehabilitation clinics but, ultimately, he would always find himself back in the debilitating drug's grasp; a slave to his own compulsions.

"Despite the hard times we've stayed together this long and we'll be together until the end" smiles Brian. "Everything works out in the end."

AUCKLAND - In a surprising move today a transaction between a customer and cashier at a local coffee shop was completed smoothly enough that both individuals parted, convinced that the other had completely forgotten they had been matched on Tinder less than 30 days ago.

Witnesses close to the event reported that both parties had navigated the interaction to a satisfactory standard without bringing up the fact that they had already exchanged a dozen messages on the dating app.

"God - that was a close one", admitted barista and cashier Emma Wright, "I recognized his face instantly as he walked through the door. I remember sending him a few messages asking about his job and New Year's plans a couple of weeks ago. He seemed pretty dull so I didn't reply, then a few days later while he was drunk he sent me some vulgar messages about me being a bitch and an absolutely horrific collection of sexual advances." "I'm pretty sure asking for his first name to write on the order should have convinced him that I don't remember any of that. I deliberately burnt his coffee anyway. I hope he never comes back", concluded Wright.

Her relief wasn't shared by customer and Tinder match, Blake Miller. "I can't believe she didn't remember me", said a frowning Miller, unaware until this moment that aggressively hitting on every woman in a 100 mile radius would ever have any real world consequences.

"I spent at least a few messages pretending to care about her grandma in hospital. I really thought I had her in the bag."

HAMILTON – Drama unfolded on a short stretch of Hamilton causeway this afternoon as resident Shirley Thomson was pulled over by a member of the local police force. Constable McAdams of the Hamilton district police explained he originally pulled Thomson over for talking on a cell phone while driving.

‘From my cruiser I could clearly see that she was up to something. It was very clear she was talking on her cell phone which has been illegal since the bill banning it had been passed in 2009. I pulled her over, explained the situation, pulled out my field reference book and showed her the law.’

However upon further inspection, McAdams quickly realized that he had made a mistake and that Shirley was not breaking the law at all. ‘There it was, clear as day in the regulations. Talking on your phone while driving is completely illegal except when “holding the phone directly in front of your face like some kind of fucking secret agent or something.” ‘

‘I was blown away. She was clearly talking on her cell phone, but then, she also wasn't at the same time.’

Shortly after, we went for a drive with Shirley and she demonstrated how she could still hold a conversation without actually holding the phone to her ear. Holding the phone aloof in her right hand, Shirley talked gleefully into her phone to a friend know as ‘Tam’ about a super super cute café she had just driven past and how the two were long overdue for a kiss and catch up.

As we rumbled through a give way intersection in 3rd gear, Shirley only completely let go of the steering wheel for a few seconds to change gear and relieve the screaming engine. She expertly navigated a round-about, contorting her whole body painfully sideways and losing sight of the road briefly to angle the steering wheel and clear the obstacle.

AUCKLAND – In an internal interview with himself during his morning commute, local passenger Gerald Ramsey addressed his feelings of increasing unrest as more and more women boarded the train. Ramsey’s problems began when he sat down in a recently vacated seat in the already overcrowded carriage.

‘There was no one else standing when I sat down’ Ramsey internally reasoned with himself. ‘If I hadn’t taken it, the guy next to me would have thought I didn’t want to sit next to him.’

But Ramsey’s problems were only beginning. During the last five minutes, four women had boarded the train and were currently standing near to Ramsey’s seat. ‘Do I offer my seat to one of them?’ Ramsey questioned himself who, admittedly, had never been very confident talking to women. ‘And if so, which one?’ Ramsey spent several seconds silently inspecting each of the four women, looking for any obvious ailments or factors that would put them at the front of the list.

‘Is it sexist if I offer them my seat? What if they think I’m implying that they can’t stand on their own? Am I a chauvinist if I don’t?’ agonized a now profusely sweating Ramsey. ‘What about the people around me? No one else has offered their seat. Is it my duty as the last to sit down? Are they all silently judging me right now? I bet most of them are.’

As he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, another curveball was thrown into the equation as an elderly man shimmied onto the train. ‘Oh god, who do I offer it to now? Who has hierarchy here?’ quivered Ramsey. Unsure what to do, Ramsey pulled out his phone and pretended to read an article about unrest in the Middle East. ‘If I do this maybe they’ll think I’m socially conscious and I might get a pass’ thought Ramsey, curving his phone uncomfortably as to give a better view to the group of standing passengers. A gesture that he felt went unnoticed as someone near him cleared their throat loudly, an expression that all but confirmed to Ramsey that every single person in the carriage has indeed judging him and was already preparing to use this moment as an anecdote about what a prick he is for years to come.

After several deaths worldwide last week while attempting the 'Ice Challenge', Facebook activists have devised a new charity event dubbed the 'Carbon Dioxide Challenge' aimed at raising money to help victim's families.

The new viral social media craze began on monday and stipulates that participants hold their breath for "upwards of 3 minutes." After the participant has completed the challenge, they must then designate 3 other people to attempt the feat. If those people are unwilling to participate in the activity, they must donate $100 to victims of the Ice Challenge.

Organizer and Carbon Dioxide Challenge creator Devon Walker was interviewed on the progress of his charity. "Well, we haven't actually received any donations as of yet. But it's early days" explained Walker. "As you can imagine, one hundred dollars is quite a large amount of money for most people and holding your breath for a short duration is a much more attractive option."

Despite this, Walker assured reporters that participants were receiving a "large amount of Facebook likes and an over-inflated sense of self satisfaction."

Unlike the Ice Challenge where around $10,000 dollars had been raised and resulted in an intense profit spike for ice manufacturers.

Criticisms of the charity have been received from the medical community, with most medical experts saying the activity is "outstandingly dangerous for the majority of people and should not be attempted."

Anger erupted at Ubisoft's E3 presser last week as the developer announced that only one breed of horse will be playable in their upcoming release Assassin's Creed Unity.

Speaking in an interview with Polygon, creative director Alex Amancio admitted that only a singular horse breed would be included. "In past iterations of the franchise, we have had many different breeds of horse available to the player; Jennets, Courser, Destrier. However this time due to clashes with plot we have only one strong lead horse breed, the Rouncey or 'common horse.' "

This announcement created a backlash in the gaming community, with fans taking to Twitter to voice their opinion. "I'm sick of Jennets being misrepresented in video games. Jennet fans are gamers TOO you know" tweeted @WonderSpirit73.

A study released today from the Oregon Health & Science University shows a thing that everyone previously considered to be unhealthy could actually be beneficial.

The study -conducted over 14 months- involved subjecting animals to the thing on a daily basis and monitoring their overall health over that time period. An interview with head researcher Kathy Grant, Ph.D she said she was "happy with the findings of the study and is excited to see more people use the thing."

"The overall immune system of the test subjects improved slightly over the study period, which is totally the opposite of what everyone thought the thing did before! We aren't suggesting that everyone use large amounts of the thing every day though, far from it. We recommend that people only have a small, un-enjoyable amount of the thing once a day."

When asked if the public could have even a small amount more than recommended in the study Grant replied "Oh no, no, no. Definitely not. That would be really bad."

"In fact our study showed that when denied access to the thing, the test subjects became moody and belligerent. Most subjects became overly critical and aggressive towards their spouse and family. Their personal and professional lives really suffered."

Panic struck this week as producers of hit show 'Big Bang Theory' confirmed the show had been picked up for an eighth season. The announcement sent the television and film industry into disarray and has many people concerned about the world's already dwindling supply of imitation laughter.

An emergency conference was called in Los Angeles to deal with this developing humanitarian crisis. A spokesperson for the taskforce outlined their plans to reduce the effects of the crisis. 'We agree that we've been really foolish leading up to this event' he said. 'And now with the announcement of an eighth season of Big Bang Theory, we're afraid it will exhaust the last of the world's resources.'

'We're urging the public not to panic buy canned laughter and to donate as much laughter as they can at their local community outreach centre.'

When asked if the group had talked to Big Bang Theory producer Chuck Lorre the spokesman replied 'we considered suggesting to Mr. Lorre that he could attempt writing some material that is not dry, predictable and humourless. But he have to be realistic here; that's not going to happen.'

Drama unfolded today at Auckland's international airport, when a man returning from a trip abroad was stripped of all of his electronic devices by custom's officials. Mr Blackman, 27, was returning from a tour of Europe when his belongings were confiscated.

Head in his hands and exasperated, Mr Blackman told journalists that he is 'totally freaking out right now' and asked if he could use someone's computer to harvest the tomato crops that he had planted earlier on that day. He also expressed worry that several cows on his virtual property would be getting hungry some time around 8:30pm NZST this evening.

A representative from NZ Customs was interviewed in the late afternoon as to why the man's devices had been detained. 'We got a red flag, alright?' said Officer Murray Smith. 'Investigations into the man's Twitter account said that the man had been 'really enjoying' his time spent at an annual conference regarding government mass surveillance. My colleges and I viewed some footage of the event and concluded that this Tweet simply couldn't be true' Smith concluded. 'I mean. It was just a bunch of boring old guys talking about laws and stuff.'

When asked when Mr Blackman's personal effects would be returned to him Officer Smith replied 'when the man's devices have been searched and no government secrets or nude photos of his new fiancée had been found. [Then] the man could have his phone back.'

New Zealanders were left stunned this week when a seemingly plain looking performer won a major national talent show. The news broke on Thursday night as singer Renee Maurice from Upper Hutt was announced the winner of this year's New Zealand's Got Talent. The news follows a recent trend of talent shows finding unattractive people that are actually quite good at something.

Since Thursday, journalists and bloggers alike have flocked to the internet to express their confusion that a someone not considered to be traditionally attractive had managed to win the competition. Hamilton man Liam Cooper mused on his online blog that '[he] thinks that there were considerably more attractive contestants on the show' and that 'while she can sing very well, her lack of sexual appeal meant [he] wasn't excited about seeing her in the media or daydreaming about a situation where he could potentially get off with her.'

Journalists followed a similar line of questioning when interviewing the judges of the show. 'We're just as surprised as everyone else' said Attractive Male Judge Number One. 'My music has been featured on popular call centres such as Vodafone AND Work and Income, so I obviously know a thing or two about the industry.'

'It's weird to think that someone unattractive could win this competition based on their talent alone, but I mean, look at Adele; she's doing pretty well for herself.' He finished by saying 'It's all made us feel a little bit better about ourselves. Like we're giving back to the community, plus I don't feel bad about all the unattractive people we made fun of during the auditions.'

At a press conference today, global security company ADT announced a new sales tactic geared towards personal insecurities.

CEO Naren Gursahaney outlined new services provided by the company to the public. 'Over my many years of running this company I have noticed the slowly declining desire for securing property and an overwhelming increase in the public's lack of personal confidence.' 'Blame it on new automated security systems or generally improved quality of life, people just aren't interested in securing their property any more.'

'It is because of this that I have decided to lead the company in a new direction, one that deals with the public's every day insecurities about themselves.'

'Upon initiating our services, each customer will be provided with a personal 'Insecurities Guard' who will accompany them through their day-to-day life.'

When asked what customers could expect from these employees Gursahaney explained 'Anything, really. They could be there to tell you that haircut you got last week isn't THAT bad, they could be there to tell you that Dennis from accounts is a total dickhead and doesn't know what he's missing out on.'

In the days leading up to the release of the next generation of consoles, developers have reportedly been flat tack with trying to reduce the quality of next gen launch titles so that they will run on current gen systems.

Contact was made with Steve Fukuda -director of Respawn Entertainment and lead developer of next gen game Titanfall- who has confirmed his studio is currently attempting to achieve this feat.

'Well it's simple really, we set out to develop a game for the Xbox One, but I for one can't see why we can't cut out a significant portion of content and sell it for the same price on older systems.'

'Our designers are working around the clock to make Titanfall for the Xbox 360 look as bad as possible before the drop date.'

Following another death this week, Mirror's Edge development studio Digital Illusions prepared a statement that they will no longer be accepting blame.

The death is one of a consistent stream of fatalities since the game's release in 2008, the cause of which involved cosplayers poorly attempting to mimic the main character's trademark parkour on the roof of their local shopping mall.

Lead developer Owen O'Brien stated in a release on the publisher's website that it 'is getting beyond a joke now' and that he'd really appreciate it if enthusiasts would stop 'jumping off things.'

'When we set out to develop Mirror's Edge we had no idea that it would be racking up such a death toll. We created this world so that the player could throw themselves off ledges from the comfort of their own home.'

He went on to explain that 'The muscular build of the average cosplayer really didn't allow for such athletics.'