hey.

J Lo and I have actually been enemies in every life cycle for thousands of years. Every time I see her I get flashbacks to when I was a horseshoe crab and she was a scientist.

Technically this passes the bechdel test

bechdel test but the himbos are trying to get in

went to trader joe’s today and my cashier handed me my 2.55 in change and pointed at the clock which read 2:55 and said “look at that. that’s liquid time… serendipity… have a nice ride”

one time my friend and i came up with a basic “language” called wheat vegetable root. wheat represented every noun. vegetable represented every verb. root represented every adjective. it was very body language based. if my friend beckoned and said “vegetable”, i understood that my friend was telling me to walk with them. if my friend pointed to something and said “wheat”, i understood that they were showing me something. if they said “root wheat” and smiled, they’re saying this thing is good. if they say “root wheat” and frown, they’re saying this thing is bad. we spent a whole day talking like this and drove the rest of our friends insane.

angel in space who falls in love with an astronaut floating out in the void, not realizing they've been dead for years out there nor comprehending what death even is. is that anything

the angel starts leading them back to earth cuz they think that's what'll make them feel better, finally talk back to them, open up. it takes lightyears to get back to earth's atmosphere and when they do, the angel embraces them as gravity takes hold and pulls them crashing down. they both incinerate into ash and disappear. is that anything

tragedy strikes as an amateur boomhauer impression coincidentally matches up with the incantation for a fireball spell

"schitzoposting" is just "derp holds up spork XD" for people who fumble harsh noise trannies

peested lol

every time I fumble w my phone’s charger cable I think about emailing steven moffat a pipe bomb

she asked me if i believed in god and i told her that when i was four i almost drowned in a public pool and in my panic mistook a stranger for my father. i clawed my way up his leg. four years later he’d send my parents a picture of the scars alongside a tin of cookies. he said, “i hope she’s still okay. i carry her with me. it isn’t every day you save a life. it isn’t every day you feel like you were here for a reason. when it does happen, you have to cherish that memory. for once, i had a purpose. just being there was enough. she tore me open but she taught me a lot about love.”

you cant employ me in a way that matters

call my pussy a truffle the way your hog is hunting it down through the bush