part two of three

Going back through all of my old posts, ever since I started this website, everything just seems so sad. Talking about being lonely for decades.

It was actually someone that was friends with my sister when growing up. So that was a nice icebreaker. She seems nice. And she's very cute. So I want to see where this goes.

But I'm so bored. Conversation is very simple and polite so far.

At what point can you start asking people about their kinks and fantasies? How soon can I make things weird?

She's an alcoholic. I mean I don't have a ton of experience with that but I'm assuming she would meet the clinical criteria for it. There's no denying it now. I've always known she likes to drink. I've always known she doesn't recognize her limits. But I've seen a lot that past couple of days. There's no doubt.

Anyway, I tried to check on her this morning but her phone was off. Knocked on the door and she didn't answer. Dropped a coffee off and some food to someone else she lived with. She called me back about 20 minutes later.

While we were on the phone, just talking about whatever, somehow it came up that one of her exes was really into feet. I told her that she's mentioned it before and that I know she's very skilled with her feet. She's like "what, did I jerk you off with them or something?". And I said no. She just mentioned it in another conversation before. It was something that guy was into and she tried it with him and she was good at it. I reminded her that we haven't actually done anything yet. She flirts with me like crazy every time she's drunk but I'm not comfortable crossing that line with somebody who's not going to remember it afterwards. I keep telling her to call me up when she's sober, invite me over when she's sober, if she wants to drink after I get there then fine. But I need to know she's making clear choices first.

We moved on to talk about other things and I left it at that. But God damn. It's heartbreaking and scary that somebody is so used to doing things with her body and not remembering it that they can just laugh about it afterwards. She just assumed that we've fucked and she doesn't remember and she's okay with that. It's even scarier to me that she's so used to people in her life being okay with that. I imagine every guy she's been with is okay with her drinking and fucking. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too sensitive.

She's been flirting with me like crazy for well over a year at this point. We've exchanged pictures. We've talked a lot about the things we like and the things we're willing to do to each other. There was one night where we made out and I went down on her. We both had some drinks. But this happened hours and hours and hours and hours after the last drink. She was flirting with me before I even got to pick her up that night, all over me at the bar, and I kept telling her no. And when we were at her place I still kept telling her no for a while. But eventually the drinks were wearing off and it seemed like she was sobering up and she's the one that took my hand and put it where she wanted it like she started it.

So it's not unreasonable for her to think she's had some drinks and that we've done stuff. But it's still heartbreaking that she's so used to not remembering what she's done that she'll laugh about it afterwards.

But as much as it sucks, as long as I've been, I was also kind of used to it. Then about 3 years ago my best friend passed. And then last year one of my other long-time friends ghosted me. And then I was more alone than ever. But for a little while at least I got through it cuz I was also a full-time caregiver to my dad. Putting so much mental energy into somebody else meant I didn't have time to feel for myself. And then he passed.

I'm not sure how to put this into words exactly but I have been loneliest I've ever been in my whole life. But I was also weirdly used to it. It hurt but I was fine. I was still functioning at least. I accepted my place in life.

And then the past few months I started talking to someone new. A co-worker I've been sort of friends with for years. We exchanged numbers and started talking more often. Hung out about five times now outside of work. And there was a while there worth felt kind of amazing. Calling and texting often. But then whenever it felt like we had an exceptionally good time, then she would back away again. I'd spend about a week or so worried that I've done something wrong. And then we talk it out and she'd reassure me I had nothing to do with me.

This time it feels different though. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with me now. But even that still hurts, cuz it feels like she's going through something and I'm hurt that she doesn't turn to me. I can't put my finger on exactly what and she hasn't told me any details. But it feels like she's on a self-destructive path lately. She's also talking to somebody else and still spends time with an ex. Those things alone wouldn't bother me so much. She's always said she doesn't want a relationship right now. We never made any promises to each other. But knowing that she's spending time with them while also feeling like something's off makes me worried she's spending time with them for the wrong reasons. She's told me some stuff about the accident makes me uncomfortable for her.

There was about 2 months or so that I was really really hopeful that we were building towards something. No I'm not so sure. Obviously I still care about this person. I believe that she cares about me and her way. I believe we could still have a great friendship. But it doesn't look like it's heading down the path I was hoping for.

And what really fucking hurts is that this whole thing is a stark reminder of how fucking alone I am. Going through all of this with her while I didn't have anyone else to confide in or turn to for advice. Because I didn't have anyone to call me down during a panic attack, I just made me overly obsessed over every nuanced petty little thing that happened between us. I don't blame her for that. That's on me. I need to have more of my own life.

But I'm 42 fucking years old. I have an odd schedule so it's hard to be out around other people. Crippling anxiety. Constantly drained of my energy. No matches on those apps, hell, a lot of those apps keep telling me that they run out of people.

I feel like I've been in a constant anxiety attack for 2 weeks now. Body is shaking.

Some of it might just be a bad reaction to some supplements I've been taken for my IBS. Feeling amped up and anxious. Couldn't sleep last night. Now I'm tired on top of that all.

Also I've been talking to somebody new lately. Just talking. Still know if they want to date me or just see me as a friend but either way it's been nice to have someone to connect with. But then there's ups and downs. The downs just being times where it feels like she's backing away and I don't know why. So that's messing with my head today. Not because of her but because I realized when this happens I don't have anyone else to turn to. Not really. The people that have mattered the most to me in my life are long gone. I miss having that bestie I can turn to anytime day or night. And I'm feeling so isolated without it.

I sent her a text telling her to come by my place after work so I can look at it. I can see that she opened it, but she didn't respond.

So then it's been a couple hours overthinking it. Maybe I phrased poorly. I was trying to keep my texts short because I have a habit of writing too much. Maybe I was rude. Maybe I seemed demanding.

So then I send another one, apologizing if I seemed rude. Explaining what I wanted to look at and why. And the fact that I bought a part for it.

She didn't respond to that one either. I can see that she opened it though.

So now I'm spiraling out on dumb stupid anxiety issues. Constantly feeling like I'm too much. Constantly feel like I'm bothering other people when I reach out. She's probably just busy. Or, more likely for her, too ADHD to remember to respond to me. Since we've been talking more I've had so many occasions when I'm letting my anxieties take over, and then as soon as I see her in person everything's fine. I just keep thinking the worst because I can't help it.

I'm not a good head space at the moment. Not just because of that.

Seems like everyone else in my life has died or faded away through time.

That exchanged phone numbers with a coworker and we've been talking a bit outside of work which has been great. But she never reaches out to me first. She keeps reassuring me that it's okay for me to text her. But if it's feeling one side and then I'm not really comfortable reaching out all the time the way that I want to.

I miss having someone in my life that I can call or text anytime for any reason. I miss having somebody who understood my anxieties and was always accepting of me.

I can't afford $2,000. But also, I spent the past couple of days just constantly doom scrolling. Seeing all the worst case scenarios now that Trump is destroying all of civilization as we know it. What happens if I put $2,000 on my credit card to fix my car, and then the next day gas prices go up to a couple hundred dollars per gallon and then I can't afford the drive anyway.

Also my mom needs hearing aids. The place we went to said it will cost almost $4,000. They suggested a third-party company that offers payment plans. And because we're poor that might be what we'll have to do. But then I found out they're only 1600 at Costco. Except no payment plans there. Significantly cheaper but I'd have to somehow come up with all the money up front.

And I can't pay for the hearing aids and the car at the same time.

And I need a new bed frame. Something's wrong with this one. Eventually it's going to break completely I'm going to fall through.

Everything in the world costs too much. And it keeps getting worse and worse. We already owe so much on our mortgage. My mom has multiple loans. Her car payments are too high. We don't have enough money coming into this house to cover everything. There's never a chance to catch up or get ahead. Loans just make it worse.

Too wake to close my eyes and go to sleep.

No one to talk to while I'm slowly losing my mind. All my friends are gone or faded away with time.

I've become friends with a co-worker and we've been talking a little bit more often lately. It's been great. But I'm trying so hard not to overwhelm her and message her too much.