i get freaky

and now i log on once in a while, sporadically, because i think i'm searching for meaning again, searching for a way to make sense of those years i spent on here, and i just feel awful. i get these horrible emotional flashbacks because i'm reminded of that ex and i really can't separate tumblr from the emotional abuse and sexual coercion he put me through. and i come on here because i guess i think there's queer people on here who would maybe empathise with the abuse i went through and maybe i'd see a post that helps me feel better or make sense of it but i never do. i feel very lonely and alienated and i can never return to that tenuous sense of community i used to feel when i was on here. and after i broke up with him i found out he was stalking my blog and trying to message my friends... it's been about a year and a half and i'm still terrified to post anything real in case he's still checking up on me on a secret account. i truly never ever want to see or hear from him again, and i don't want him to read this post. i have to just hope he's moved on and that he's treating the next person better than he treated me.