moontide

“Maybe they were right, maybe we really did marry too young”

Synopsis: When you married Zayne. You two were young that the elders had always told you two were bound to get overwhelmed with the idea of forever. And maybe that was the case when his childhood friend's condition turned critical that made him become her primary care physician and you— carrying his deepest secret, used it against him in resentment.

Until you too received your karma.

Married!AU, Zayne x NonMC Reader

Word Count: 6.3k

Self-doubt, flawed characters, and impulsive thinking.

Your POV

‘To have and to hold from this day forward’

They say that marrying young was a mistake. You were starting to think that maybe marrying Zayne when you had recently turned 27 wasn't the right choice. However, you couldn't dare admit that to Zayne. 

The elders told you both that one day, you two would get overwhelmed at the idea of forever and that will be the end of your marriage.

Maybe that was the case with Zayne. He got tired of the idea of forever with you. 

You knew that marrying a surgeon like Zayne Li was not easy, and you also knew it'd be so selfish of you to demand his time when he should be saving lives.

But not when his childhood friend and knowing first love was admitted into the ER that he became her attending physician. 

“I just want to overlook her condition” is what he told you. Truth is, you don't doubt that. The problem is, the way he's so dedicated that it takes his time off your marriage.

Not when he comes home tired and the first thing he does is look for you as he debriefs on what happened at work today. Until that too, he stopped doing and you were left to wonder and ponder in your own thoughts. 

Here you two were, acting less like a married couple and more like two unfortunate people who live together. 

It had also been a couple weeks since you two last talked face to face.

Because every time you two encounter each other, it'll only end in hurtful words you two can't take back.

It all started a few weeks ago when Zayne received an emergency call from the hospital that left him frantic. He usually wasn't the type to rush nor lose composure so it must've been important.

Or one of his biggest fears had happened.

Marrying Zayne, he had always been watchful about your health, making sure you were getting your checkups and your vaccines were up to date, because his biggest fear above all is—

Getting an emergency call that one of his loved ones is hurt.

And seeing him frantically rush out the door you can only assume that it was Emcee, his childhood friend and first love. When you and Zayne were still in an undefined situation, you knew of his childhood friend, but one drunken night— he confessed something that you still carried till this day. 

“Zayne? You're drunk” you tried to pry the shot glass off his hands, he promised he would drink only enough to make him feel sleepy but after two— he was already losing grip on reality.

“‘m not…” he murmured, eyes closed, grip on the glass heavy. You shook your head as he had finally let go of the glass. “Geez, how did you get through all those gatherings by being a lightweight”

Zayne only hummed as his phone buzzed, revealing a text message from Emcee. “Emcee texted” you told him, he forced his eyes open as he clumsily tried to text her back, panicking when he couldn't get his spelling right.

“What's up with you and Emcee anyway?”

He sighed in relief once he had sent her his “perfect” message, glancing back at you with his drunken expression. You weren't stupid. You knew Emcee was probably more than just a childhood friend, to Zayne at least.

“I love– no, I loved her. She was my first love” he drunkenly confessed, putting his arms over the table and laying there while he closed his eyes, “For years, and she never knew”

And for years, you kept that secret hidden from Zayne. You waited for him to return home that night, seeking the answers to a question you had already concluded for yourself.

When he came home, it was already dawn. He saw you, sitting on the bed where he left you, scrolling on your phone. He carefully approached you as he kissed you in the forehead and whispered, “It's Emcee. Her condition is worse than it seemed”

“But she's on the top of the donor list” He sighed in both regret and exhaustion as he carefully tried not to lean on the bed since you didn't like it when he lay on the bed in his hospital clothes. “That's until the family decided to back down the last minute and she–”

He shook his head, standing up and making his way towards your shared bathroom “I took over as her primary care physician”

So, it really was that serious You thought to yourself. Zayne had carefully slammed the bathroom door and a few minutes later, heard faint sobs.

Zayne wasn't the type to cry, instead, he'd rather conceal his emotions.

You got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom door and gently knocked, “Zayne?” you called out, you didn’t hear a response at first, a few seconds later, the door was opened slightly as you quickly gave Zayne a hug. He quickly reciprocated it, hugging you tightly. “I can’t lose her again…” “I know Zayne…” You knew. 

A couple of weeks had gone by like that, Zayne coming home late as his own mental state deteriorated which reflected on his Emcee’s failing condition. You had come to visit her once, out of respect, and to not look petty; she smiled at you and told you just how annoyingly considerate your husband was.

Too considerate, You thought to yourself.

You knew it was wrong to spew jealousy at a sick person. So, you turned towards someone you can blame instead, your husband. It was wrong, but to you, he seemed like the easiest target to lash out on.

You sat there, listening as Emcee shared the times where Zayne refused to leave her side till she was in stable condition and even joked about having a separate pager just for her— that really ticked you off.

Deep inside, something immature, impulsive, and really stupid haunted you.

Was Zayne cheating on you?

It made sense really, first, she was his first love; second, from what Emcee had been telling— the two were mostly together.

So, after a couple more times of this situation, you had enough.

Zayne had come home late last night, later than most nights. Nevertheless, it was the time where it was morning and the sun was about to rise. “You’re home late” You told him, sitting on the bed, refusing to look at him. “It’s Emcee–” Of course it was “We finally received a—”

“Why is it always about her?!” “Excuse me?”

You raised your head to look at him, with a grim expression on your face “Emcee this and Emcee that— do you only go to work just to see her?!”

“Is it because you have this savior complex or–” Before you could finish your sentence, Zayne had already rushed over next to you and held both of your shoulders tightly. “Where did this come from?” 

“Is it because you still love her?”

He completely froze up, letting go of his grip on you as you continued on without even considering him or thinking twice of the things that were spewing out of your mouth, you just needed to get it out of your system. “You come home late and always talk about her condition, you also told me you used to love her a lot. Now tell me, does that justify my reasoning?” It wasn’t but the silence from Zayne you received made sense of your stupid justification. “You grew up with her, Zayne, loved her too, won’t it make sense if there’s still a part of you that still loves her?!”

“You know that that’s not true! I wouldn’t have married you otherwise!” “Maybe you did marry me otherwise…” “I swear that this was all just so she could still be alive in time for a donor and then I’ll pass her down to someone else” He explained, looking at you with fear written on his face. “And what if she turns critical again? Then will this entire situation repeat itself?”

“I loved her, loved… Why can’t you understand that?”

“Because love can make you stupid” You blurted out loud, wanting to win the argument, “Because love has blinded us just like how we got married” You and Zayne had only been married for less than a year. Started dating at 26, got married at 27. Most people in your life had thought you two had gotten married too young. Only dated a year and still in your twenties. Both of your careers alike had just reached its pinnacle, many came to disrespectfully assume that you were pregnant— others thought you wanted health insurance.

To you two, it was love.

It didn’t feel like it anymore.

You had only been together for maybe two years tops. maybe that wasn’t enough to know the other better.

Zayne hasn’t said a single word since, as you stood up and left the room, you turned around to face him one last time and as he told you, “Maybe we really did marry too young”

Back to the present, you sat in your bed in the guest room that was once a storage room of you guys’ wreck havoc as you received a text message from one of your friends that read:

Are u busy tonight? Do u wanna go to a club that js opened uptown?

Oh wait nvm forgot abt ur husband

You haven’t really told anyone, including your friends, about the situation you have with Zayne. To them, it seemed like you two were perfectly fine. In reality, you two only argued at the sight of each other.

It had gotten to a point where you didn’t take back what you said and threw hurtful words towards Zayne who had thrown the same hurtful remarks back.

“Why did we even get married? It could’ve been her”

Those words from last night’s argument rang back inside your head as the anger built up inside you again. You quickly typed "I'll go” and sent it to your friend as you got ready to go out. Usually, if you were going to a place where you know you’d forget something important, you usually kept it in your pocket and never took it out. However, when getting ready, you glanced at the wedding ring that you never took off— not once— throughout the entire storm that’s been brewing between you two.

But tonight— had its effect on you. You slid the ring off your finger and put it in the nightstand next to you as you got ready to leave. You saw Zayne in the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee as it looked like he didn’t sleep at all. You felt bad looking at his tired figure when you were just about to go out— all dolled up— to go clubbing with your friends.

“Where are you going?” He asked softly, trying not to sound pissed. The last thing he wanted was another argument after last night.

“A party with friends” You answered curtly.

He took a look at you as he admired how you look, he looked down and immediately noticed the absent ring on your finger, he wanted to say something but he was too tired and you look resigned as well, so he shook his head and swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he pretended to not notice.

He played well, seeing as you didn’t notice how tightly he was holding the coffee mug and the way he was constantly blinking.

“Have fun” was all that he could manage to say.

You didn’t know just how much more he wanted to say.

The party wasn’t fun for you. Being in a loud and chaotic place made you appreciate quiet moments in that suffocating house more and it made you miss the domestic moments you and Zayne had before the argument.

Before your impulsive thoughts took over really…

As the partier got louder, your thoughts grew darker. You forced yourself onto the dance floor as you pretended to have fun with your friends. A couple of hours later, you were well into it and had almost completely forgotten about your husband.

Almost.

You caught a dazed figure of someone who looked like your husband but you couldn’t tell as you had bad eyesight and were too under the influence to think— or even see what is actually there versus what is not.

A man came to approach you as he leaned closer to your ear and shouted “Are you single?” You looked up in surprise and laughed, “Do I look like it?” You asked, it was supposed to be a joke at first, wanting to express a reaction from the man then lead him on and leave him dry.

“You don’t have a ring and you’re in a club. So, can I assume that you are indeed?”

You giggled and wrapped your arms closer to the man. Just a little more, you thought to yourself. Until you felt your friends dragged you somewhere and basically throwing you into the arms of someone, hearing muffled words and someone dragging you outside.

The outside breeze immediately brought you to your senses as you regained your balance and looked at the person who was dragging you out.

Zayne.

You pushed him away as you glared at him and shouted in the middle of the parking lot, “What are you doing here?!” He looked back at you, shaking his head and reaching for your hand. “Let’s talk in the car” You snatched his hand away, “Why did you drag me out, Zayne?!”

He paused, eyes widening, looking at your hand that snatched his away and into your eyes. “Let’s go home”

“No” His expression didn’t falter and you didn’t move either. It was a battle of who gives in first, “please—”

“Zayne, we go home and we argue again is that what you really want—”

“It’s better than people assuming you’re unmarried” He quickly interrupted, the anger boiled up in you as you turned around and started walking towards the street with Zayne quickly following you.

“Just go back Zayne!”

“You’re wasted! I am not leaving my wife alone at night!”

“Stop calling me your wife!” You turned around, facing him. Brows furrowed and frustration building up inside you, “You still think of me as your wife even after all that? Even after blatantly admitting that you’re still in love with Emcee—”

“It wasn’t like that!”

“Yeah it wasn’t, because you married me to maybe prove yourself that you had gotten over her”

“It wasn’t to prove anything”

“Then why do you still hesitate, Zayne? Why is it that I feel like you had married me to prove something and now that you’re getting hit with the realization that this was getting real— the idea of forever is haunting you” Tears welled up in your eyes as it took most— a lot out of you to say the next words, “Do you not see forever with me anymore?”

He quickly shook his head, keeping his hands to himself, afraid to reach out in fear that you will walk away and run away again— maybe this time for good. “I took a vow in front of you and Astra, please do not think of you— us this lightly”

“All we ever do is fight and say things we or we don’t mean to each other to prove something to each other. Is this what’s going to be with us from now on? Forever? Maybe it’s not the idea of forever that you hate— it’s the idea of whom you’re spending it with— me”

Silence passed by between the two of you for a moment. To catch your breaths and to let the weight of the words sink down, you looked at Zayne, trying not to cry. You opened your mouth as you shook with fear saying the next words to come out of your mouth.

“Let’s get a divorce”

All of a sudden, you heard a car fast approaching you two, it was only a matter of seconds to think about what to do when suddenly, you never felt so much more awake and sure— you pushed Zayne out of the way.

And in a matter of seconds, the car hit you instead.

The impact hit you in an instant as you stumbled onto the ground. Zayne ran and hugged you in between his arms. “No— no…” He cried, you looked at him, vision blurring as you felt pain everywhere. You reached out to him, to soothe him a little, tell him you’re alright but you couldn’t do any of it.

You fought every instinct of your life to try and keep consciousness because you didn’t want Zayne to lose you no, in your last moments, you were still as selfish as ever.

“Please, stay awake for me…” He cried, hugging you tighter in his arms. Even a doctor like him would end up a fool in moments where the one he truly ever loved was possibly dying in his arms.

Because Zayne loves you,  for the better and worse.

You looked around the gardens, carefully avoiding your family relatives in order not to get caught as you escaped your bedroom. You walked deeper into the gardens and saw the decorated altar, it made you involuntarily smile knowing that tomorrow, you will be Zayne’s wife.

You walked towards the aisle as if he stood in front of you, smiling brightly till you heard a chuckle from behind. You turned around, panicked, settling in before dissipating to see your future husband instead.

Your eyes widened as you ran into his arms and him catching you in the nick of time as always.

“Zayne!” You greeted him with that smile that always made his expression go soft. “Hi there my love, what are you doing awake?” You giggled and hugged him tighter. “I could ask you the same question. What are you doing awake?” He hummed and tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear.

“Well, I would assume for the same reasons as me”

“And, that is?”

“I was imagining that I want for us to get married right now” You gasped dramatically, “Are you saying you want to give our families a heart attack and get married right now?” He shrugged, “What’s the difference between getting married now and 12 hours later?”

“The difference is—” you lightly smacked him on the chest, “we don’t give anyone a heart attack” He chuckled, kissing your forehead and murmuring “They can handle it, this won’t be the first time we’ll surprise them”

You smacked him on the chest “Zayne Li!”

Zayne’s POV

‘I will love you and honor you all the days of my life’

“Do you love her?” Your father had asked, Zayne looked up and said sincerely, “I do, so much” with so much determination in his eyes. Your father was taken aback and so was the rest of your family. He was asking your family for their blessing as he was planning on proposing to you soon. You two had only been dating for a year but he was already seeing forever in you.

Because you taught him that love was more than the first time.

And he wanted to keep you for the rest of his life.

“But you guys are still young and you’ve only been dating for a year” Your mother interrupted, your father looking resigned, almost convinced of his reasoning till your mother stepped in. “I know that we are still young and inexperienced but I promise to provide for your daughter for the rest of her life and love her till my last breath”

Your parents both looked at each other with uncertainty, your father looking at your mother as he shook his head and smiled at his wife saying “Times have changed dear. We were once like them too, I’m sure they won’t make the same mistakes we did” He looked back at Zayne as he shook his head, “Make sure you treat our daughter right”

“Of course, I’ll love her even if the universe says otherwise”

Zayne had received a call that night, his body froze and his mind went on autopilot. He had no idea how he was able to drive all the way to Akso hospital without getting a speeding ticket. Nevertheless, the moment he saw Emcee strapped onto the stretcher he panicked.

Because he’s scared that it might be you.

He knows you don’t have protocore syndrome like Emcee nor your job required you to be in the front lines however, seeing Emcee’s deteriorating state made him more scared than he ever was in his life. He loves Emcee, platonically, like how an older brother cares for a sister— nothing more than that.

He loved Emcee for years at one point, romantically. But ever since you stepped into his life and showed love can start over again— he learned of his infatuation with Emcee was love in shackles disguised as unrequited love.

Because he never really learned what it meant to love till you.

He swore he would only be her primary care physician until she finds another suitable donor. For now, his mere focus was stabilizing her condition. 

And with the demands as a young doctor from his peers and the declining health of his childhood friend— Zayne was slowly dying on the inside.

Because left and right, he was bombarded with demands and expectations that left him no room to breathe as his one and only solace was— you.

Zayne tried to be cool headed in front of you— he really did. His battle wasn't yours to share because, to him, his burdens are not heavy enough to be carried for two.

And in those times, Zayne forgot one thing when he said his vows in front of you.

…to be true in good times and bad.

Zayne wasn't being honest in those times no— in those times, he was battling both internally in his suffering mind and externally, from the pressure he'd receive from the hospital.

He was depressed to say the least, running on days that dragged on inside a body that felt like it wasn't his, he prayed that each passing day would be over and ease up at home with you.

Until one day, Emcee’s condition finally turned stable. The entire room was a mess, with a bunch of resuscitation machines and Zayne performing CPR on Emcee for twenty minutes, trying to find a faint heartbeat— the monitor started to beep.

And beep again till her condition stabilised and everyone felt like they could breathe again.

Zayne left the room and a nurse came by looking for him, he was handed over a chart, looking over and seeing the donor list.

They had found a suitable match and she was the first on the list.

Zayne was overjoyed that day, it wasn't evident in his expression but Greyson, who stood next him could tell the slight curve of his lips reading the chart.

He quickly clocked off as soon as he could and drove straight home in excitement.

“I loved her, loved… Why can’t you understand that?”

“Because love can make you stupid” You blurted out loud.

“Because love has blinded us just like how we got married”

With those words out loud, sent Zayne deeper into a spiral of despair. Which made him blurt out words he didn't mean but said in the heat of the moment to win in the argument.

“Let’s get a divorce”

Zayne knew you didn’t mean it. He wanted you to say that you didn’t mean it. He wished that you’d take it back and say that the idea of divorce didn’t properly cross your mind but the way you hesitated and said it anyway made him truly believe you meant it.

You didn’t see forever anymore.

The drive to the hospital felt like a blur to Zayne, he didn't care if he got one— multiple speed tickets. All he cared about was reaching to where you were— The ER at Akso hospital. The ambulance took your body as they told him to meet them in the ER, once arriving, one of the nurses recognized him. He approached them and said, “Where is my wife?”

It wasn’t a secret that Dr. Zayne Li had a wife, she visited several times and knew how much he adored his wife. The only person who couldn’t see that— was you.

The nurses guided him to where the medics were quick to check on your condition. The doctors there all recognized him as one stepped aside to talk to Zayne. “She got hit on her left side as severe bruises are starting to show. She appears to be conscious but we are taking her to get a CT and X-ray scan to see if there are any internal damages. We promise to take care of your wife Dr. Zayne so please, get some rest”

Zayne felt like he could breathe a little easier, knowing that you were in the hospital— the same one he worked at. He wanted to let his emotions out however, it felt unprofessional to do it in the ER and he didn’t want to burden Emcee tonight, not when she had already been passed to a different doctor and her transplant surgery is this weekend.

So, he went back home and went straight to ‘his’ room. With the adrenaline and shock that had happened the entire night, he couldn’t sleep. And when the adrenaline died down, he cried all night and for the first time— since he almost lost Emcee— he prayed for you to wake up. He was never good at begging, never was the time to demand something because he knows just how cruel fate can be and he had always been good at accepting fate if it’s obvious he can’t fight it otherwise but this— this was you. And he’d defy anything guaranteed just so you could wake up.

By a miracle, you woke up exactly three days later.

Because you were a fighter, and he was always the coward.

And during those three agonizing days waiting for you to wake up, he decided to look for his wedding ring that he abandoned. To find a distraction while waiting for you to wake up and to also finally be true to his vows.

“For better or worse”

He had been failing in uplifting his promise before you but he wasn’t going to anymore. This time, it will be different and this time, no more blaming each other for marrying too young.

Because the love he carried for you wasn’t enough to bring you two out of this misery but it was enough for him to at least try to win you back.

He found the wedding ring inside the closet, hidden beneath his collection of watches that you always joked around being the “only expensive hobby” he had. You never complained of this hobby of his because it made you smile seeing that he enjoyed some luxuries in his life.

You knew Zayne had always grown up to be humble and was always willingly sacrificing himself.

He wore it as he promised to never take it off from this day forward.

When news broke out that you were gaining consciousness, he rushed back to your room to catch you just in time sitting up from the hospital bed.

The relief he felt was shorthand when you woke up as you stared at him with a scowl on your face. He swallowed it and kept an indifferent expression as he drove both of you home, even if it was slowly killing him on the inside that you despised him so much that he’d rather hear spiteful words out of your mouth than give him the silent treatment.

Your silent words were like shooting bullets inside him.

However, he swallowed his own grievance in order to nurse you to recovery because even if you were his wife— you were still a patient. He mentally prepared himself for whatever you were going to throw in his face the moment you got home instead, it was met with more unending silence.

You slowly walked back to your room as he knocked on your door and asked, “Do you want to eat anything?”

And yet, you didn’t answer.

He swallowed the lump in his throat as he went to the kitchen to make you guys a light meal, mad as you were, he knew that you would eat and he would make sure you would— one way or another. 

Luckily, it didn’t take much to convince you to eat. Sitting in awkward silence, trying to keep the farthest distance from each other. “Don’t think this erases all of it” You told him, glaring up at him, he avoided eye contact, only nodding saying “I know”

The next few days consisted of Zayne taking care of you and you being unable to say a word. You would try to get him to talk but he would avoid conversation with you, saying that you needed to recover.

At this moment, he saw you as a weak person attempting to recover and it frustrated you.

Once you gained the ability to walk again without crutches, you cornered Zayne when he came home that day. “So now you’re avoiding me.”

“Wait—” “First, I woke up from my car accident and you avoided me. We get back home and you’re still avoiding me” You said. You were sitting on the couch as Zayne walked closer to talk to you face to face.

“Is this another redemption from your pride? Because if it is—” “This isn’t a matter of pride anymore!” Your eyes widened, he raised his left hand enough for you to see the ring on his finger. The same wedding ring you put in his hand as you vowed to be his wife— was on his finger.

The same ring that disappeared somewhere in the middle of the hurricane between you two.

“When you were asleep for three days. I didn’t know what to do. At first, finding the ring proved to be a distraction while waiting for you to wake up but the more I looked for it— I realized that even if you woke up and demanded for a divorce that instant— I wouldn’t let you go without a fight.”

“That I will try to fix this even if your heart has hardened and you wouldn’t even look my way. I wanted to apologize, take back everything I had said, and if Astra permits, start anew with you” He explained, voice shaking and tears falling down from his eyes.

“I regret saying all those words to you. We didn’t marry too young or too immature. We married at the right time, I truly believed that. Because when I asked for your parents' blessing— I told myself that I wanted to keep you for the rest of my life. No matter how long it takes”

“Remember what I had told you the day I proposed to you? When you told me that it was too soon? I said that—”

“I wanted to marry you the moment you took my hand”  The two of you said at the same time.

“You remembered…” He said, you shook your head. “How could I not?”

“Please, don’t go forward with the divorce…” He pleaded, begged on his knees for you. Zayne was never the type to beg for anything, he had always let nature decide its course but this moment right now? He would willingly trade anything in order for you not to go with the divorce.

“I never wanted a divorce, I only said that to spite you” You cried admittedly in front of him. Right now, this wasn’t a matter of pride, it was a matter of clearing up misunderstandings and attempting to fix what is left between you two.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” You cried. 

“Why are you trying to fix this— us?” You asked, voice quivering. “We hurt each other. So much that most of it can’t be taken back”

“Because I’d rather be haunted by the past and wake up to see you there than to not see you at all” He answered, “I know we can still fix this so please, if I still have room in your heart, will you allow me the privilege of mending things with you? The right way this time”

You took another look at the ring on his finger and back at him. You cried harder, nodding your head which made the heaviness and angst inside Zayne’s heart quickly dissipate. He smiled softly, reaching for your hand and kissed it. “I’m so… so sorry Zayne, I shouldn’t have said any of it” 

He cupped your face and wiped the tears falling from your eyes. “I know it’ll take a while but we’ll make it work. We’ll be okay…” He whispered only for you to hear. It was an assurance to both him and you, that the two of you, from now on, will make it work out.

Because Zayne loves you so much he’ll fight for the both of you and you love him enough to let it happen.

Your eyes met him clearly for the first time in a long time. And it took you back to the day that you also took a vow in front of Astra: ‘Until death do us part’  you promised.

“Until death do us part…” You whispered, he smiled at you, pressing a kiss to your temple. “And I will love you, for better or worse” He continued.

Zayne truly believed that you two got over the worst. That whatever bad happens between you two past this will just be futile, fleeting, and you two will be strong enough to get over it. And in the days to come, there will only be happy endings.

With Zayne, it was worth the try.

Epilogue

‘Until death do us part’

You tried so hard not to laugh when Zayne looked at his daughter with the most distraught look on his face and your daughter blinking back at him innocently. “Lia–”

“But daddy, I love him” Your daughter answered back, not knowing the meaning and depths behind those words.

Iliana Li, your daughter. Zayne had always told you that he got your personality and she looked exactly like him. You didn’t deny because it was evident in the way that Zayne was in the middle of an existential crisis and trying to reason his five year old daughter out.

“You’re only five sweetheart” He said, trying to sound as calm as possible and eyeing you a look when you accidentally let out a laugh.

“But you and mom married when you were young too…” She said, giving Zayne an innocent look and those eyes that mostly lets her get what she wants from her dad.

Zayne turned and looked at you, gesturing for you to help him out. You tried to hold back a laugh and crouched in front of your daughter. “But this is different, my love. Your dad and I married when we’re already grown up”

“Then I’ll marry him once I grow up!”

You couldn’t take it anymore and started laughing so hard that you almost lost your balance if Zayne didn’t catch you at the right moment. He shook his head, giving up asking you for your help. “You’re not in love sweetheart, you’re just confu— what the hell am I saying…” “Language” You and your daughter said at the same time.

Your daughter huffed and walked away from the room disappointed in her father. He sighed and sat down on the couch as you came to approach him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Is this what your dad felt when I asked for their blessing?” You giggled in amusement. “Most likely my love. I think he grew a few grey hairs just from that conversation”

He shook his head, “I love our daughter so much that I don’t want to give him away to some– kindergartener…” He reasoned out, you shook your head. “She’s only five hon…”

“Did you also want to marry someone when you were in kindergarten?” You nodded your head, “Yeah, we ended up dating until third grade I think? He broke up with me when I stole one of his trading cards that I really liked”

You glanced at him, his face was covered to hide his shame. “She’ll get over it. Who knows? She may wake up tomorrow and decides she wants to be with her daddy forever”’

He looked up at you and kissed you on the forehead, “I pray to Astra she does”

Suddenly, both of you heard your daughter calling you two in the distance, you glanced at Zayne and smiled at him as he smiled back at you, taking your hand, “Thank you Zayne…”

He looked at you with a confused look on his face, “For what?”

‘For this, for fighting for the both of us and being given this privilege of a life…’ 

“Just… for everything” He smiled and kissed you on the lips. 

“I know, I love you too”

If your Anaheim was Caleb.

“If I could, I’d freeze this moment, and make it my home

You’re all I want to know”

You wished you knew Caleb earlier so you could’ve loved him earlier. From before you met him, your ex-boyfriend. The one that haunts you, day and night. And the one that haunts your current relationship with Caleb.

If you could, you’d halt the moment in front of you, with him, and make it your home. Not a rest stop, not a temporary placeholder. As you really, really get to know him.

“I can tell you mean it when you kiss me slow

But please don’t ask me the answers no”

You can tell how much he loves you whenever he kisses you. Like he’s holding his entire world, you. And when he’d say those words, I love you and look at you with that expectant gaze, the words catch in your throat.

So, you avoid his kisses, his I love you’s, and his declarations of love.

Because you silently begged him to not look at you for answers because you have none.

“In a perfect world, I'd kill to love you the loudest

But all I do is live to hurt you soundless

Say, "You see I'm lying, babe" and let this go

I can never promise you tomorrow”

At parties he’d take you, you watched as he went to his group of friends. Laughing and chattering. One night, you overheard him talking about you. How much he loves you and how lucky he is to have you. When he saw you, he walked towards you and kissed you in front of his friends.

How he’d claim you his and loved you the loudest.

And in this world, you’d kill, beg Astra, and commit crimes just so you could have, even an ounce of the love he had for you.

Maybe, just that time, you messed up or fate decided to let him know. Because when he pulled away and looked at you, you swore it was like his world fell entirely apart. He avoided your gaze that entire night.

That’s when you looked back at your relationship and really looked back as you counted the times that you’d silently hurt him with your lack of presence.

And he knew, he just didn’t say anything because he wanted you to stay. Even if you were just half committed or none at all.

The next day, he finally gathered the courage to face you.

As you gathered the courage to be forward with him.

As much as it hurts, you acknowledged to him that your actions were hurting him and you can tell even he is aware of it. You feel guilty and sorry about it but you confessed that you can’t make promises for him, or the future of his relationship.

And you made no promises on how your actions will continue to hurt him going forward.

You wish you could promise him tomorrow. You really do. But not when his name is tattooed onto your heart and haunting your narrative.

“'Cause I have yet to learn how not to be his

This city will surely burn if we keep this as it is”

You saw him earlier. Your ex-boyfriend.

It wasn’t anything special or revengeful. You just saw him pass by with Caleb next to you as you watch him enter his car.

And it hits you. You still haven’t really learned how to not be his. How to not look for him, how to not look at him.

You looked at Caleb and watched as he looked at him and looked at the expression on your face. And without any words said, he just knew.

How this will all fall apart and burn if you two kept fighting this hopeless game of tug of war.

“Here you are, a hero

You wanna be my new home”

You couldn’t deny nor ignore how he tried so hard to earn even an ounce of your affection. How at one point, he started acting a little bit more like your ex-boyfriend, even dressing up like him sometimes just so he could spare just a bit of your love.

And as much as he tried, it just didn’t work.

He can offer you so many homes but it’s not the one you want to live in.

He can be your superman but it wouldn’t matter if you preferred batman.

He could write you a thousand songs but it wouldn’t be your favorite genre.

“All I ask of you is please don’t sleep

On this bed of promises I can’t keep”

As much as you would hate to admit. Caleb has made you happy in this relationship.

Through small celebrations to big ones, he was there with you. From silent cries to the loudest, he was there to try and make you laugh.

And every time he cracked a smile in you, it made you feel hopeful that maybe, maybe it's finally time.

Then, something floods in. A wave of guilt pangs in your heart, reaching all the way up in your head that you don’t feel the same way as Caleb does for you that haunts you as you made no promises to yourself about the ideal future.

He looked at you, with that sad, knowing smile as he reassured you that you didn’t have to promise anything.

That made it worse.

“'Cause I have yet to know how to be mine

You can try to unearth this soul

I swear you'll hate what you find”

When he left, he also took your sense of self. How you still really haven’t figured out your sense of self.

You admit you really don’t know how much of your actual self you actually show as you told Caleb about it.

He said he will try to figure out what is the real you and what is hidden behind a mask of uncertainty and self-doubt.

You told him he’ll surely hate what he’d find.

And maybe he did.

“But I'd give anything to stop time

Commit to you and not crimes

Against your truth and lose sight of every divide threatening to undo this story

But baby, I'm so sorry”

And you’d do anything to commit to him and make sacrifices to give up everything and drop the lingering doubt to fully preserve the moments you share with him.

You’d climb mountains, swim in drowning seas, and endure the deathly cold just so you could fully commit to him as much as he did with you.

Rather than engaging in this gamble of lies and deceit. Pretending to not notice the shifting movements, the hesitations, silent apologies, and half-committed words.

And to stop being the reason he cries at night, friends turning to despise you, and the people he loves begging you to leave him.

“I don't think that I'll ever memorize this route”

But you’re uncertain with the route leading to this relationship. No maps nor compasses can ever lead you to navigate your way to him nor will it ever let you memorize the route reaching him.

“'Cause I am lost, but not in you

Yes, I am lost, but not in you”

And you are lost, just not in Caleb.

And no amount of redirection will ever change that.

Synopsis: You had a unique Evol wherein you can enter the world of your paintings. It all started when you drew a fantasy world of your own and found yourself living in it. Soon enough, you found out you could paint dead loved ones and meet them through the world of your paintings. That was how you started your line of work, trying to find the meaning of letting go while drowned in the sorrows of grief.

And that was how you met Rafayel. Through the chaos of one of your previous clients— asked you to paint him a portrait of his deceased bride.

Rafayel x painter!nonmc au

Notes: This is heavily inspired and influenced by the premise of one of my favorite games. No part 2 this time. A lot of grammar errors.

Word Count: 5k

Artists always leave a piece of their soul behind in their paintings. My Evol lets me, and others live in the world of the paintings that I've created. 

Ever since I found out about my Evol, it was my parents mission to hide it because, in their words, I'm only seen as a money maker.

It was always “let people think you're ordinary and nothing but have someone think you're extraordinary and everything” I never really understood it, till this day, I never did.

But, like the rebellious teenager and young adult I was, I still managed to outsmart my parents by participating in underground art commissions.

I didn't like my Evol a lot either, no, not when it gave me the fear of death at a young age and an intense fear of being stuck.

But, it gave me closure to my dead loved ones, an opportunity to live outside of reality, and a superiority complex knowing I had control over my work.

Earlier today, I received a commission through one of my previous clients that recommended me.

The only catch with my work is that they can only commission me once before I either block them or change my identity so they can't look for me.

“Mr. Jonathan?” I shouted from his villa mansion. Most of my clients were rich sappy people who had lost their families because they were too blinded by money. The security lock automatically opened the gates once they had heard my voice. I went inside the villa and found Mr. Jonathan on the phone.

“Ah there you are, the infamous painter” He greeted. He was on a call when I had arrived at his villa and the moment he looked at me, he hung up the phone. “You flatter me Mr. Jonathan” I replied, getting my art supplies ready.

Mr. Jonathan had asked me to live paint the portrait in his house since he said he wanted to spare no details. I was fine with it. But if he ever decided to try anything funny—

That's where that taser in my bag and pepper spray are for.

I started painting right away. Mr. Jonathan watched me paint every stroke and every scenery he has asked me to. “The lighthouse was more covered with trees” and—

“I think it was on an island”

I couldn't really complain and say anything else aside from “yes, Mr. Jonathan” or “My apologies” since he will pay me a good amount of money.

Once we were done with the painting, I immediately activated my Evol and reminded him of the limits. “Yes, yes my dear painter. Three hours is the limit and if I don't comply I am forced to be exiled”

I nodded as I sent him inside my painting. 

Admiring the work I had done, it was different from the previous works I had done. Mostly, it was self-portraits, and now it was a scenery.

A minute left until the limit, I heard the security system unlock as the gates opened. Entered a young man, who looks like he's in his thirties— stormed into the mansion.

The moment he entered the room, he wasted no time and asked me, “Where is Mr. Jonathan?” He demanded. The man was handsome. Young, purple hair, and eyes that were a blend of blue and pink. The way he strode into the room gave me the assumption that he was a man that carried himself with pride.

But this isn't the moment to think about that as said handsome man is interrogating me with a dagger in his hands and eyes that could kill.

I panicked and stayed quiet. This was the first time someone had stormed in the middle of one of my commissions. And since my ability was sworn to secrecy–

I couldn’t say that Mr. Jonathan was inside my painting.

Just then, my timer went off as I panicked on what to do.

This isn't good. I thought to myself. Three hours in the real-world is not three hours into the painted world. No. Depending on the painted world, it could be three days, or three months, or even three years had passed by inside the painting.

There is no way of telling hence why I had set a limit.

I couldn't try to knock that man unconscious, it looks like he’ll knock me unconscious before I could even land a hit on him.

Just then, he glanced at the canvas and towards me as he quickly lowered his dagger and fixed his stance to look less intimidating. “So he was right then. He does know the infamous hidden painter”

Excuse me?

“Y-you know me?” I asked, shaking my head as I remembered I needed to save Mr. Jonathan inside the painting. As I prepared to make my way in inside the painting, I glared at the stranger and said, “We'll talk about this when I get back”

I dove into the painting as I was greeted with a calm scenery of the beach at sunset. With a lighthouse on top that Mr. Jonathan was strict about me painting, I immediately ran uphill in hopes I'd find him there.

On the way up, I had contemplated on what to say to him that'll get him out. But, if things go south, I can just kill him in the painting as he will be forcefully kicked out.

I quickly found Mr. Jonathan inside the lighthouse, hugging somebody before they quickly went and jumped into the shore. 

His knees collapsed as he fell and broke into uncontrollable sobs.

This wasn’t a sight that I'm not used to already. With my one-time clients, and me doing this career for almost three years— I've already witnessed how my clients process grief.

Each and every one is unique in their own way or grieving.

However, I needed to get Mr. Jonathan left the painting as quickly as possible. Whether it be that he treats or sees me as a villain after this doesn't matter since I'll be changing my identity after this.

Especially after that purple haired man almost killed me with a dagger.

“Mr. Jonathan—”

“No!” He cried as he turned towards you. You took note of his actions as I slowly walked towards him before he got up and threatened me with a broken glass shard.

“I know it's hard but we need to get you out of here–”

“I'm not going anywhere!”

“You can't stay here! It's not safe!” I argued back, “Dear painter,” He called, not lowering the shard down.

“I had lost my love for money.” He cried, “I married somebody that was a benefit to my company and inheritance rather than the person who first loved me when everyone in my town thought I wouldn’t get anywhere” He explained as he got down on his knees and cried harder.

“She died last week alone. I want to be with her and make up for all the years that I had chased money so please dear painter—” He pleaded, bowing his head in shame, guilt, and desperation. “Please just let me be with her in this painted world. This is the only place and time where I started to feel again”

I shook my head as I stood my ground. “You will die in this painting losing your mind Mr. Jonathan—”

“Then let me die losing my mind here”

This was getting nowhere. I got my gun ready that I had prepared beforehand, as I prepared to forcefully kick Mr. Jonathan out of the painting. I pointed my gun at him as I got ready to shoot before he quickly stood up and sliced me.

Without thinking twice, I shot him once in the head and twice on the chest as he fell to the ground and bled out to death.

“Why?” He asked as I crouched beside him. “Because my job isn't to offer an escape. It's to offer a way of moving on.” I explained, watching him carefully as the canvas is preparing to exile him from the painting.

“This is your first step to moving on” Were my last words to him before he disappeared completely. I stood up and got ready to leave the painting but not before destroying the canvas from the inside.

When I got back to reality, the purple-haired man was waiting for the both of us. He was sitting on one of the couches with his head resting over his hand and his legs crossed. Glancing down, I saw that Mr. Jonathan was tied with his hands on his back as he fell unconscious on the floor.

“I-Is he–?”

“Don't mind him, painter,” he remarked, his gaze fixated on me. “The moment he went back to reality, he started having a mental shutdown so I knocked him unconscious” I glanced around the living room and had only noticed now that it was thrashed with discarded books and shattered glass shards everywhere. 

Looking out the window, it was also dark.

“He needs to be sent to the hospital” I said, noticing the bruises and wounds he had inflicted upon himself from thrashing the room. “Does this happen often? With your clients?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“Because—” he stood up and walked closer to me. I took steps back until I had unfortunately hit a wall as he cornered me by just standing there and not even lifting a finger. 

“I want to commission you for ten times this man offered you”

Are we in some cheesy rom-com or something? What is this handsome piece of junk about?

“Do you think I'm going to fall with your money?” I said, pushing him off and getting ready to leave. I turned to Mr. Jonathan before glancing back at him and saying, “You better take this man to get help”

“Do you think I'm a heartless man or something?”

I shook my head, “No. But you're a grieving man who will do anything to receive closure and those type of people are willing to commit crimes for it”

With that, I grabbed my stuff and left. 

A week had passed by since the unfortunate incident. I had stopped taking commissions for now and focused on changing my identity and moving far away from Linkon. I wasn’t broke or anything in fact— I’m far from being in a financial crisis. I could quit my job here and now but there’s always something, that one factor that keeps pulling me back.

Maybe it’s the thrill that comes with it.

I took out a cigarette stick and was about to light it when a tall figure stood beside me, “Do all artists smoke?” I shrugged, “You’re an artist too” I said, pointing towards his well-taken care of hands that gave it away.

The man stood before me, the same man from last night let out a chuckle as he stared right through me. “Not planning on running away this time, dear painter?”

“Whoever gave me that infamous name is going to receive a punch or two from me”

“You didn’t ask for my name last night” He said, his gaze now through the city skylines.

“Why should I? So I could know the name of the man who will try to get me arrested?” “First of all, I wasn’t planning on turning you in to the authorities. Second, my name is Rafayel,” he explained, sounding generally offended. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “I’m not telling you my name—” “That’s fine, I can just keep calling you dear painter”

We sat in silence for a few seconds, trying to think about what to say next before he took a sharp breath and said, “I sent Mr. Jonathan to the hospital” I nodded and felt an instant sigh of relief, “Good”

“Does this happen often in your line of work?” He asked, “last night I mean”

“Like what? You barging in the middle of the night?”

“Like Mr. Jonathan…”

I paused and counted how many times I had to deal with a situation similar to last night. Although dealing with these were uncommon, it was still more than what I could count with my hand. “Sometimes”

“The way these people treat me and the paintings is how they treat their grief.” I remarked, putting the stick back onto the box and concluded that he will not be leaving me alone anytime soon, “Others hide the paintings and beg me not to destroy it once found. Others choose to let go once they've had the closure they had gotten—” I took one good look at his handsome face before saying the last reason.

“And there are others that stay as long as they possibly could in order to delay the inevitable”

I had already given up on running away from this man. I didn’t even really plan on running away from him. “So, what will it be for you?”

“Is this your way of saying you’re going to accept my commission?” “It’s either this or you turn me in to the authorities” I answered back, he smirked and hummed in satisfaction. “Alright then–” “I want you to paint me a portrait of my bride”

By bride he meant his bride that died before they could even get married. For a second there, I thought he was going crazy. He led me to his art studio and saw that not only was he an artist, he had a flair for the dramatic as well.

While walking in, I took a look at his paintings. He must’ve noticed that I was boring a gaze at his paintings because he walked back to where I was and gave me a smug look, “Shouldn’t artists be pulling each other up? Why do you look like you wanna burn a hole through my paintings?” Because I actually want to.

I didn’t reply as we both kept walking towards the studio. As I got my art supplies ready, I asked him to show me a photo of his bride. “I don’t have one,” He cheekily replied. “What do you mean, you don’t have one?”

“I burned it all when she died?” “Are you out of your mind?” I said those words out loud without hesitation. We both stared at each other before I cleared my throat and looked away, “So, what now?” “I’ll just draw you a sketch of what she looks like” And there it is, he’s a narcissist.

He stood up and walked towards a drawer, opening it, and pulling out a sketch inside a mountain of sketches, and handed it to me. I analyzed the drawing and saw that not only was it an actual portrait of a woman, it also looked like he drew this a long time ago, judging by the browning and the crumple at the edges.

By the looks of the drawer, this wasn’t the only sketch he had of her, which makes me wonder if she’s even real or he’s just crazy delusional like my other clients.

Handsome, narcissistic, and delusional… What a great trio.

I started sketching her portrait as he sat down behind me, watching carefully as to what I’m doing. I was used to my clients correcting me to make the painting as accurate as possible but isn’t he a little too close watching me?

“The eyes were more far apart” “The nose should be taller” “C’mon, this doesn’t look like her at all” Hours had passed since I entered the studio and it was now an hour before midnight. Which meant I had been stuck in his stupid studio with my canvas number Astra knows what and how his mouth still hasn’t run out of words to say.

I stood up and turned to him, “We’ll continue this tomorrow” I said, gesturing towards the clock and the window. It seems that he only just realized how much time had passed before he stood up and said, “Crap you’re right” I heard a knock on the door followed by a man’s voice calling out his name.

“Thomas will send you the payment for today. Thank you for all your hard work and I’ll see you tomorrow” He said before walking me out the door and introducing me to his assistant, Mr. Thomas.

The next day, I caught him painting a portrait. He wasn’t there when I entered and it was Thomas (he had asked me the night before to drop the mister) who led me into his studio, and when I entered, this man didn’t even bother to greet nor acknowledge our presence. Just telling Thomas to shut the door behind him as he continued painting.

“Are you doing an underwater portrait?” “Bingo” 

He painted the portrait like he had seen it. Screw it, like he had lived in it. And maybe it was his speciality to paint portraits like he had lived in it and wanted people to see it.

“What made you use your Evol to help those in grieving?” He asked out of the blue. 

I didn’t know either. I initially entered this line of work for fun but I couldn’t really say it’s fun being here anymore since the more I get exposed, the more aggravating my clients become.

Maybe it’s me still looking for something that couldn’t be found through normal means.

“I want people to be given the privilege to say goodbye” “And the real reason?” The real reason? Was it for my selfish satisfaction? Or the savior complex I felt when those people would turn to me and thank me like I’m their salvation.

Huh, I guess I’m just like Rafayel from a different perspective.

“It was also to feed my own ego too” He smiled and hummed in satisfaction with my real answer. He stepped down from what he was working on and walked towards me. “Let’s continue off from yesterday, shall we?”

Today was better than yesterday. Learning from his constant nagging, it took less thrown out drafts and complaints from what I received yesterday. I was halfway through painting when I noticed it was getting dark as I stood up, got my payment, and left.

It took exactly four days for the entire painting to be finished. As he gave me the final pay that he promised was ten times more than what Mr. Jonathan paid me, it was enough for me to move far away from Linkon and have more than enough to not work till the day I die.

“Three hours” I said, as I prepared to let him in the painting. “If more than three hours has passed, I’m forcing you out of that painting one way or another” Instead of hearing a ‘yes’ or another nagging complaint— He instead took my hand and told me, “Why don’t you go with me so you can time it for yourself” and dragged me with him inside the painting.

“This son of a—” I woke up inside a beach. It was dark, with only the moon casting over us.

This man failed to realize that regardless if we enter at the same time, we’ll both end up landing in different places. 

I just hope he’s with his bride by now.

I took my time looking for Rafayel, seeing the world inside the painting that was half built by my painting and half built by Rafayel’s desires.

Because he’s the one under control of the canvas.

I found him after exploring the underwater city inside a cathedral They were holding hands and whispering something to each other. I don’t know what it was but it made her laugh and then cry. He hushed her and wiped her tears away from her.

It looked like they were reciting vows, like they were getting married.

Rafayel called her his bride, not his wife. She died before she could even be his.

After Rafayel pulled away from her, he smiled at her as tears fell down from his face before he took out his dagger and killed her right then and there.

I was shocked and scared when he did that. He was the first client I had that actually accepted his grief and learned to move on.

By killing her painted figure, he’s accepting that she’s gone and he’s ready to put that chapter with her aside.

Something that a lot of us can’t do.

“You can replicate the same work many times. But you'll never be able to replicate the feelings of the original” He said as he turned around and faced me, her lifeless figure still on the ground. “That’s one thing all of my clients before you fail to recognize”

“Because they’re blinded by their grief?” I nodded, “That I can replicate the portraits and the scenery but they will only act to how they want them to act” I glanced behind him only to see that the body had now dissipated into thin air. “So, this is why you’ve been trying so hard to look for me and commission me?”

“I just wanted to give her her last act of freedom I could give and tell her the things I couldn’t say to her—” “Like how I had already accepted that she may never come back as I close that chapter off with her”

He walked towards me and gave me a soft smile, “You’ll know the feeling. When you stop trying to hold on and someone or something will pull you out”

We still had time before the time limit so we walked around the beach as he told me all about her.

“Did you love her?” “I loved and loathed her at the same time. The more hatred I felt, the more love seeped in through the gaps of loathing” He answered, looking over the water as he smiled softly. Does he realize that his entire figure softens when remembering her? “She was like a little fish. Always running around it was hilarious”

“How did she die?” He looked back at me as he shook his head and instead, walked faster. I reached up to catch up to him as he still didn’t answer my question. Instead, he deliberately changed the subject to get me distracted.

“Say, my dear painter, will you show me one of your canvases?”

“The ones I painted when I was a child?” He nodded. “I want to see what your works look like. Not the ones you were commissioned for. Take it as a fellow artist wanting to view a work in progress”

I didn’t think twice about refusing him but the next words he said out of his mouth made me say otherwise.

“I’ll ask Thomas to help you change your identity and I’ll also pay you more than what I initially paid you for this commission. Just say how much?”

“Ten times more?” “You got yourself a deal, dear painter”

Yes, I’m an idiot. And yes, I’m made of money.

I took Rafayel to a storehouse where I kept all of my paintings when I was a kid and others as well that I did growing up. Going through all of them would be a waste of time and my Evol is not exactly limitless, I chose my favorite from when I was a kid and wanted to run away from my parents.

“A floating school?” He read the engraving out loud. “This is one of your best works?” I didn’t try to argue after he had paid me good money to show him my works. “Just get in with me”

I showed him other paintings of mine after that. Ones that ranged from childlike innocence to abstract thinking. 

He took me back to his studio right after as he led me to the beachside view that overlooked his studio.

“You know… One of the things I had asked her back there was if it was alright for me to move on, with someone else”

“What did she say?”

He laughed like a kid, letting his bare feet touch the sand as he crouched down and stared at the cold waters of the ocean. “That my happiness is now mine and I should learn to live without her holding me back”

“So, what do you plan on doing now?”

He gestured to me to come closer, unknowing that he was actually planning on dragging me into the water with him. “I plan to live the rest of my tomorrows in peace and maybe stop giving Thomas grey hairs” I groaned as I looked back on his studio and saw Thomas was pointing towards Rafayel and gesturing to me to take him back. I waved my arms in response.

“You can start by going back to the studio and doing your work” I answered in response. He groaned and rolled his eyes, refusing to get up.

Watching him like this made me feel like I had found the reaction— or the answer I was looking for while I was doing this job. Checking how much money I had, I contemplated whether it’s time to give up this job as I already have enough to set me back for a lifetime— or two.

And ever since I met Rafayel, I didn’t feel the need to feed my own self-satisfaction anymore.

So, not only did I achieve self-fullfilment, I had also earned enough money to retire— right now.

“I’m quitting” I told him, referring to my job and how I quit painting the grievances of others as I had finally found self-satisfaction. “And I want to enter this new chapter— with you.”

He got up and walked towards me. “Have you finally found the answer as to why you continued to paint?” I nodded, “It’s because I wanted to find someone who could actually see through the illusion I had painted. That’s why I kept going and now that you finally did it—” “I know I can finally stop painting now” 

He smiled as he leaned in closer and asked, “So, will you let me in one of your canvases, painter?” I smiled brightly as I locked my arms behind his neck and kissed him right then and there.

Rafayel and I started off our relationship in a bit of a rocky and dare I say, intrusive start.

But, right there and now, I knew I wanted to spend the next chapters of my life with this man as I closed a big and important one behind me.

And, no amount of paintbrush strokes nor layers of color could describe just how beautiful this moment is right now. Without feeling the need to paint it on a canvas and enter the world of it.

A few years had passed by since, and a lot of things happened. Rafayel and I got married in a beautiful cathedral as we spent the rest of our lives, married and with a baby boy that loves the ocean just as much as his father. 

While I had quit painting altogether, Rafayel still continued it. But now, painting the life he has with me, us. 

As I put our baby to sleep, I searched for Rafayel in his studio. With his back turned to me, I felt a sense of unease pass by me. I walked closer and called his name, “Rafayel?” I called, but he still didn’t turn around. I called again, this time sounding scared.

And that’s when he turned around, carrying our child in one hand and a bloody dagger on the other.

He had murdered our child.

“W-what are you doing?” I asked him, taking a step back and trying to run away from his studio. But he locked the door as I turned around and felt a sharp pain on my lower abdomen.

He stabbed me.

Bleeding out and falling to my knees, I looked up at him with no other words to say but “Why?” Why did he do it? He knelt down towards me and stabbed me again with that cold gaze of his masked with sorrowful guilt.

“It's time to stop painting. My dearest, painter.”

Instead of succumbing to death, I was hit with a sharp pain of reality as I was forcefully exiled from the canvas.

When I got back, the first thing I saw were hospital lights and an IV drip on my arm. I saw my parents standing beside me with a sorry look on their faces.

Now I remember…

I painted a portrait of Rafayel after I found out that he died and hid the canvas so that no one would find out as I hid in there myself as I ran away from my own sorrows, my own grievances.

I had loved Rafayel for as long as he loved his bride and now he was with her and I was stuck here…

Alone, crying in my own pool of grief. As the man I loved had been reunited with his lovely bride, I was stuck in the realms of reality, living my last memory with him in a painting painted by my own sorrows and delusions.

It felt like I had failed him too. The way he gave me the answer to letting go and I was the one still holding on to my own grievance. How I was no different with Mr. Jonathan and all my other clients.

I cried so hard that day that the nurses were forced to sedate me to sleep. And before losing consciousness, all I could about was finding that canvas and going back inside.

Part 2 of Reach For The Skies

Summary: Caleb Xia hadn’t really known what it meant for his love to falter. All that he’s ever known of love was perseverance and effort. So, when you entered his life and taught him other ways of love, it came with a fleeting price— letting go.

A year had passed by as you two stood face in face in the middle of where you both promised to be with nothing but tension, the chilling realization that you could die in front of him any minute, the fact that he can’t even protect you the way he wanted to at the risk of enemies using you against him, and worst of all—

The daughter you two have that he can’t meet.

And maybe becoming a father changed him in ways he didn’t know. Even if he hadn’t met her yet, he already loved her with everything he could give as he took so many risks just so he could take you home to her alive and in one piece.

Word Count: 8.4k

Notes: Takes place a year after Ciel is born and in Caleb’s POV. He doesn’t have the torring chip installed here. He also didn’t explode himself and pretended to be dead for a year (You'll see why). Inaccurate use of war and medical themes. As well as inaccurate descriptions of flying planes.

Uses of grammatical errors as this is the unedited version.

Non-mc uses and is referred to with she/her pronouns.

Caleb's POV

“You're staring again,” I said to you, you just hummed, continuing to stare at me. “What's the point in taking you plane watching if you're just gonna watch me?”

You chuckled, “Why? You're the plane I'm watching”

“Baby I swear you're—”

“I mean, aren't you gonna soar through the skies soon?”

I paused when you said that statement. I looked at you before leaning in to kiss you then pulling back. “And you'll be beside me co-piloting the plane, right?”

I should've noticed then, when your demeanor changed and how elusive your response was.

That day, you just nodded and quickly looked away.

I should've noticed then…

When did it change? The way that I looked at you? When did it start?

It started when I took you out flying that night but even before then, I already had some sort of hidden affection for you. From when we visited Emcee to you being able to outsmart the scams in carnival games.

To the way you can detect danger through you Evol which shouldn't make me feel anything but boy—

If only you knew I was down bad for you every time you would do something cool in my eyes.

It wasn’t immediate when I came to love you. It was through little sparks and small actions that gradually built up inside so that when it came— acceptance felt freeing rather than shackling. 

Just like how you taught me love was more than that childhood friend I grew up with, or the planes that soared through the skies, or the fleeting hook-ups I’ve tried to cover up to fill a void in me.

And just when I thought that maybe forever was possible with you, you gave me something much more devastating instead.

“Aim the skies for me Caleb, I'll love you always.”

It wasn’t just those words that broke me that night. It was also the fact that you invalidated yourself on how important you were to me. The way you told me that there was no way I would throw away years of love for such a love as fleeting as ours.

Truth is, I would throw it all away for you. 

I thought at that time, I could chase after you once I graduated but I couldn’t. Not when my position offered nothing but risks as enemies might catch me and label you as my weakness and target.

My biggest fear was them using you against me.

So, I stayed put. Fighting and making it through the next day, wishing and hoping I could gain more power to be able to look for you and protect you.

A year passed just like that and I became the Colonel that everyone feared.

And I never thought I'd meet you again. Not like this, not when your name is written down as one of the drafted to pilot our fighter jets.

Your name, staring back at me.

When I was thinking of ways on how to bring you back, fate presented itself an opportunity for us.

And that’s when I learned about her. From checking your records disguised as a background check, that's when I saw her.

Ciel. Our daughter.

She looked just like you and I could imagine just how loved she would be by you. I mean, you gave me so much love too. And I wanted to meet her. I really do, just by looking at this picture you two have together— I wanted to be there too. With you, with her.

I haven’t met her yet but she has captured my heart already.

Not knowing what to do, I swore I would protect the two of you in the sidelines with my connections. I knew you didn't want to see me. I understood why you had to let me go that day, why you purposely failed, and why you were fighting back every attempt of me begging you to stay.

Just like solving a puzzle, the pieces started connecting in my head.

And once it did, the lingering resentment in me faded as I fully understood the decisions you made that day.

Because you wanted me to keep chasing.

But there was one thing you failed to realize. After attempting to reach for the skies for many years, all I wanted was to land safely.

With you.

So, I did what I had to do, put you as close to me as I possibly could without arising suspicion— without alerting the enemy team that you are my weakness.

Is this one of the least rational decisions I have ever made? Yes. Am I gonna regret it? No. I’d do it over and over again just to keep you safe.

It also made me happy deep inside that I would see you again.

I imagined what you will look like if I ever see you again. Will you be taller? Did you dye your hair a new shade of color? Whatever color it is, I’m confident it’ll look good on you.

The first time I saw you again was when you were talking to your comrades. Even though you were hidden amongst them, you had your way of standing out. And, you did dye your hair. The last time I saw you, you had faded red hair. Now, you had shorter hair and dyed it to an Ash brown color.

“Have you seen the Colonel?” One of your comrades asked, you hummed in question, looking at them innocently which made me laugh because it was the same look you gave me the night we met.

“No, why? Is he an old man?”

And there it was. Your insults that I had never forgotten that made me love you even more.

Your comrades laughed and said, “I wish. I heard he’s really handsome that the enemy target they interrogated spilled the beans before he could even threaten them by how handsome he was”

That never happened… What the hell are these rumors that they’ve been spreading around the fleet under my nose?

“Wow…” You replied, obviously not interested. You looked away from them and suddenly, we made eye contact. For the first time in more than a year.

And your eyes still draw me in even a year later.

I couldn’t savor the moment as I quickly turned around and walked the other way. Praying that your comrades didn’t see me and praying you didn’t recognize me.

When we saw each other again. It was just us in my office, face to face with each other as you stood there in front of me. Eyes wide and frozen in place. “C-Colonel Xia, I’m–”

“I know. We can skip the formalities” I said, trying to ease the growing tension in the room. Even if you were now mere meters away from me and no longer miles away. It still hurt knowing full well and realizing the truth about that night. How you carried our daughter so I could chase my dreams and now having to stand face to face with each other like this—

In a dangerous battlefield where both of us could die at any moment.

This wasn’t how I imagined reuniting with you.

I imagined you, us, reuniting once the conflict with our enemies was over and I would find you in Linkon with your daughter and I’d cry and beg for us to start all over again.

I shook the thoughts away as I tried to focus on the matter at hand. I grabbed the paperwork that way lying on my desk as I pretended to read what was on the paper when I knew full well I had already memorized everything about you written here. “You will be provided housing here in Skyhaven for you and your daughter here in Skyhaven. So, I wanted to discuss with you the terms and conditions of your daughter being provided a long-term caretaker while you are serving us here”

You knew that I arranged everything to work in your favor. You’re supposed to be drafted here, away from your daughter and without immediate family, she would be taken to a family friend or immediate family which you had Emcee written down for. Or, she would be taken to an orphanage where you will be able to have her back once you have served your time.

But you knew didn’t you? The way I twisted the system for you.

I also wonder why you have Emcee written down as your immediate family.

“I am aware and I am greatly in debt for you to be able to give me a chance to be with my daughter” Please stop speaking to me like this, like you’re so far away.

Like we never happened.

I looked away from you as I felt myself slowly breaking down on the inside. Trying so hard not to embrace you in my arms and cry to you. When you turned to leave, I caught a glimpse of you and said something that I couldn’t stop myself from saying that made you freeze in your tracks.

“Is she healthy?”

You turned back as you slowly, painfully nodded, then turned to leave.

I looked out the window and stared at the flying planes hovering above me for Astra knows how long as I closed my eyes and painfully wished for this nightmare to be fleeting and when I’d wake up, I’d be at home with you and our daughter in my arms.

I called Emcee that night. We rarely talked even if we can now see each other without worries since I’m now a Colonel and she’s a fully fledged hunter. “Caleb?” She asked, voice laced with concern. “It’s late. Why are you calling?”

“Are you forgetting to tell me something?” I asked, hinting at her that I know about her name written down in Ciel’s immediate family. “Good night, I love you?” She innocently asked which suddenly gave me a massive headache.

I realized that this is getting nowhere so I went straight to the point, “Why is your name written as Ciel’s immediate family?”

“How did you–”

“I tracked down her records when her mother was drafted” I quickly answered. Not wanting to waste time, I wanted to know now exactly as to why Emcee felt the need to keep this hidden from me for a year. “So you’re a stalker now?”

“That’s not the point Emcee! If you knew all this time did you not feel the need to tell me during those times you could’ve for almost two years?”

“Because I didn’t know either!” She screamed so loud that I was taken aback as I held my phone away from my ear.

“A few months ago, I was in the hospital visiting Zayne when I saw her and Ciel in the ER. Apparently your daughter tested positive for the Dengue virus” She explained, sternly emphasizing the daughter part as if to shoot me in the head with the realization.

Deep down, it still hadn’t come fully to me that we have a daughter together.

“I was mad sure, thinking that she replaced you so quickly even as to having a daughter with another man but when I saw her eyes, all of my doubts and anger were immediately gone” She paused for a second, “Her eyes look just like yours when we were kids…” 

When she said that last line, my heart melted immediately. As I currently imagined her looking like a mix of both of our features with eyes reflecting like mine.

“I confronted her that day and she told me not to tell you anything. She was desperate, Caleb. Desperate. That I didn’t tell you. So, I didn’t. In return, Zayne and I visit them a lot and oftentimes I see the flicker of grievance in her eyes that she masks with a smile.”

I heard her sigh heavily on the other line as I gripped my phone tightly in my hand, “It’s not my place to tell you this. Frankly, I don’t owe you an explanation for a problem that you two are equally at fault. For me, Ciel is all that matters to me and if you aren’t going to step up and become a father for her—”

“I suggest that you back off and leave them alone”

I caught myself staring at you again when I watched as you were reporting over enemy weapons planted at the area you scouted. 

“Look who it is, staring at the mother of his child”

I looked in front to see Gideon giving me a cocky smile. I raised a brow at him and asked, “You knew?”

I must've unintentionally given him a death stare when he flinched back and said “W-wait! I just found out about it when we met up a few days ago and offered her a cigarette but she refused because of a child back home—” he stopped when he made eye contact with someone and hurried off without even a goodbye.

I turned around and realized that you were watching us the entire time. Once you saw that Gideon ran off, you walked away as well and I was left alone once again.

You didn’t like it either when I wanted to protect you. You would always either dodge me or have someone else do it for you which made me realize that it was easier protecting you when you weren’t here compared to when you’re actually near me but I can’t even see you.

Then, we saw each other again when you were caught off guard by me leaving the medical wing. I quickly halted you and tried not to grab you by the arm and take you by surprise. When you actually stopped and didn’t walk away, my brain short-circuited and said the first thing that came to my mind out loud

“Does she have a favorite song?”

Stupid. You are utterly so stupid.

Seriously? Of all the questions I could’ve asked about our daughter, it’s her favorite song?

Suddenly, the tension between the two of us disappeared for a moment when I saw the way your eyes lit up as you tried to bite back a smile.

“She doesn’t have a favorite song but she does shut up when she listens to—” You paused for a quick second, “...your playlist” you mumbled that I almost couldn’t understand what you mean. Almost…

And your answer made me unconditionally smile as I imagined our daughter listening to the playlist I had been listening to since I was in high school.

Maybe I’ll sing to her once this is over if you’ll still let me be a part of your life.

I quickly realised that you will always answer questions about our daughter whenever we pass each other by and I could see from the look on your eyes that you were always happy to entertain every question I have about her that the tension between us dissipates every time.

“What’s her favorite color?”

“... She’s one”

“Does she have a favorite lullaby?”

“She hates noises at night”

“Favorite movie?”

“Any Christmas movie”

Every question you answered makes me slowly build an image in my head of what our daughter is like. And each time, I feel more hopeful than the last that I still have a chance with you, with her.

Even more so, I am satisfied that we get to talk like this. That you haven’t shut me off completely from your life.

But the moment of “peace” that we had was quickly dissipated as we were brought back to reality that we were in the middle of a battlefield with the enemy nation “We need to dispatch 100,000 troops into the battlefield. The previous squad still hasn’t returned to us as we had already prepared for the worst to come.”

“Colonel! A bomb dropped near the Eureka Harbor!” A commanding officer interrupted, which made everyone in the room go off in an uproar as I quickly silenced all of them. “We will send a team to scout the area for any missiles and bombs they might’ve possibly deployed before sending in our troops”

The original plan on deploying our troops in Eureka Harbor was quickly delayed as we sent a team to scout an area which would take an hour and a half without repercussions. Even so, we had to quickly search for a different landing site in case the scouting team fails to return within an hour or has unfortunately passed.

“How about in Site Nelson?” I said, pointing it on the map. “Scouting teams searched this area yesterday and found nothing. It’s almost near impossible for the enemy team to launch one in the span of twelve hours but then again—”

It doesn’t hurt to be safe than sorry.

And one of the people that was sent to scout the landing site was you.

“Cherno-12, this is the base command. Do you copy?”

“This is Cherno-12. I copy” You reported back.

I felt an instant sigh of relief knowing you were safe. It made me feel relieved too when I realized that all of the scouting teams were safe. An hour later, we received a report as I quickly responded.

“This is Cherno-10, we have reported missiles launching near Cherno-12’s scouting area”

What?

No— no…

I confidently sent you to this landing because I knew that you would mostly be safe.

Once again, I let rationality slip through my fingers as I quickly grabbed the intercom and tried desperately to dial you. “Cherno-12, this is base command. Do you copy?!”

I tried again as my voice cracked with each passing call that you didn’t respond to. I felt a hand on my shoulder that snapped me back halfway through reality.

I turned around and saw that it was Gideon and I remaining in the room. Realizing that he kicked everyone else in the room out so they wouldn’t see me vulnerable and use it against me.

“Calm down Caleb”

“I just got her back, Gideon. How am I supposed to calm down?!”

I swore to myself that I would take you back to Ciel each time.

A few hours had passed and it was already nightfall. But neither of us moved in hope that someone would respond or some good news was heard.

“This is Rogue-09, we have found Cherno-12’s pilot unconscious near Specter One. Requesting medical team”

“Roger. Sending out medical team to Rogue-09's coordinates”

I felt my knees give out as I collapsed on the chair. “She's alive…” I said out loud to Gideon as I heard him sigh of relief. “You should probably fix yourself before you step out. Unless you want them to know that their most fearful Colonel Caleb Xia just showed an episode of weakness”

“Gideon–”

“I’ll tell you when they wake up. For now, do your damn job Colonel” He grinned before stepping out. I didn’t get up immediately. Instead, I stared at the intercom and realized that I had been here for more than eight hours trying to call you, that I had lost my voice with each desperate call I called looking for you.

That night, I had a dream that I lost you again.

When I woke up, I realized that I’d much prefer losing you by running away from me than losing you in this world through finding your remains washed up on shore or not seeing your remains at all as you got in the middle of a bombing or crossfire.

You woke up the next day as Gideon quickly attended to you. I couldn’t come to you immediately even if I wanted to. As nighttime fell upon me but the battlefield felt neverending, I quickly accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight— not that I had been sleeping well for the last year anyway.

I left my office to go plane watching. I can’t go back to my hometown so this is the least I could do and it was sufficient for now. As I walked towards the runway, I watched as planes flew by and landed with ease. I carefully concealed myself in the dark, watching like I used to when I was a child.

“Caleb?” I heard a voice called out. I was taken aback and quickly turned but my guard was quickly put down when I saw that it was you standing there.

“What are you doing here?”

“Mama?” A small voice called out.

You flinched as you quickly put the phone near your ear. “Yes, Ciel? Uhuh I love you too sweetheart. I’ll call you tomorrow…” You quickly hung up the phone as you looked away awkwardly. “Was that—” I paused in disbelief.

You were on the phone with Ciel. The little girl I heard on the other line was our daughter.

“Yes. It’s her…” You replied back in a small voice. Looking down and clutching onto your phone.

Neither of us knew what to reply when I told myself to screw it and say what I needed to say aloud.

“When you answered my questions about her I realized that maybe you were opening up to me about her and I felt relieved. Then, you lost contact with us yesterday and I didn’t know what to do besides trying to contact your radio over and over again.”

“I heard from Gideon that you didn’t stop calling until you lost your voice”

“Correction. I didn’t stop calling until I never lost my voice” That statement made the both of us laugh. I saw you walk closer towards me. Closer than the distance we’ve been keeping for the time we’ve been in the fleet together. “When that missile hit me and I lost consciousness. The last thing I thought of was wishing that I had told you to protect her if anything ever happens to me.”

“And fortunately nothing happened”

You sighed in contempt, “Fortunately…”

“But if something does happen–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

You quickly shushed me out, glaring at me before you looked up and started watching the planes fly across the night sky.

Just like back then.

But, circumstances between us have changed since then.

I caught myself staring at you through the moonlight. The way you now carried yourself was different from how you were just a year ago. You were more confident, less closed off, and more mature. I wanted to tell you just how much I fell in love with you over again just by standing there, watching planes.

“You’re staring” You called out. I chuckled and continued staring at you, “Last time I recall, I am not currently flying a plane”

“Why? Is it wrong to stare at you?”

You just hummed in response as you continued looking up, not looking at me which made me wonder just what is so interesting up above that you weren’t paying an ounce of attention towards me.

I finally stopped looking at you and continued watching the planes hovering above us instead. 

“Caleb?”

“Yeah?”

You were now the one looking at me as I was now the one looking up. “I want to make things right with you. For our daughter.”

I froze in place when you said our daughter. We both had an unspoken agreement that we wouldn’t refer to her as our daughter.

But you did and I failed to comprehend just how much it made me feel ecstatic to hear that coming from you.

“I owe you an apology Caleb. An apology for leaving you and not telling you about Ciel, and for avoiding you when we met again even though it was mainly my fault that we’re in this situation” I saw that you were trying so hard to try and make things right with me in one night that I held a finger over your lips to shush you.

“I know that you’re sorry but you don’t have to make things right with me right now. I know that you’re scared and I’m scared too. But we have tomorrow and other nights to make things right. You don’t have to force yourself.” 

“You’re injured. The last thing you should be doing is forcing yourself to fix things right now.” 

When I said those words, tears started falling from your face. I quickly hugged you and kept whispering that it’s okay and we have time even in a setting where we feel like a bomb may go off anytime soon beneath us.

“She looks for you, you know?” I heard you say as your head was buried in my arms. “Her first words were mama and dada as she was watching one of her favorite cartoons. She thinks Emcee’s Zayne is her dada and it makes me cry each time” Your cries grew louder as I found myself fighting back tears that were threatening to fall.

I know. Once this is all over and if you’ll still let me. I’ll make sure Ciel will never have to look for her dada ever again.

Things might not be automatically better but, it’s a step and a slow process I’m willing to take to fix things with you.

“I probably know why you’re calling me right now” Emcee said on the other side of the line as I called her the moment I returned to my room. “And that is?”

“Either you're asking me for a favor or I'm in trouble”

“The first one”

I heard her squeal on the other end which made me flinch back and had my phone away from my ear. “Why are you so happy that you got into trouble?”

“Because I probably know what you're asking about right now.”

“And that is?”

“My adorable wittle Ciel” I chuckled to her response because she was not wrong. I’ve been more than willing and have been openly trying to step up as a father to Ciel. I told Emcee about it and she was more than happy for me. But, she also told me that she would ask permission for you before doing anything that relates to Ciel and me. “Are you with her right now?”

And the fact that you haven’t intervened nor stopped us means that you are not against it.

“Hmm and what if I am? She’s about to go to bed y’know?”

“Can I hear her just this once please?”

I heard her laugh like a maniac when I said that, “Look who is down bad. That look does not suit you Colonel Xia”

“Yeah? And being an auntie doesn’t suit you either but here you are”

I could imagine her rolling her eyes at me right about now, “Ciel! Come say goodnight to this stranger!” Emcee called out. I heard Ciel giggle in the background which made me chuckle in response as I heard her grab Emcee’s phone and babbling something.

“Say ‘goodnight’ Ciel”

“Hehe, goodnight!” I heard her say it and it instantly melted my heart.

“Okay you got what you wanted. I’m hanging up now, see ya” Emcee quickly hung up the phone before I could even get in a response as I laid down on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

Sooner or later, just hearing snippets of your voice won't be enough. 

I tried to sleep well that night.

“Their allied countries have all declared defeat” I reported, “Our enemies are declining rapidly. Their last line of defense is their wall in Vulcan. If we tear down the wall— enough for our soldiers to enter, we can get them to surrender”

“Colonel! Three of our bases have been attacked by nuclear missiles!” An officer interrupted as he ran inside the meeting room. And once again, like deja vu, the entire room was in an uproar.

Seriously, is this an npc reaction or something? Panicking will do anyone nothing.

Both parties agreed to remove nuclear missiles so why did they decide to do this? One thing came to my mind. Desperation. They’re losing and wanted to pick up one last fight as a final act of declaration or—

They have one more trick up their sleeve.

If it was the latter we may need to prepare for a fully fledged war. Especially since they decided to go against our agreement.

“Silence!” I commanded. I needed to calm down and think rationally. The possibilities of them declaring a war is low since their allied countries had either declared independence or gained defeat but the possibilities of them having one more deadly tactic under their sleeve was higher.

“The plan is still happening. If this is their final act of desperation and still won’t admit defeat then we bomb their walls in Vulcan mid-air to try get them to be as small as possible”

I didn’t want to waste time. Not like this, I wanted this to be over already as I couldn’t afford any more slip ups as too many lives were already lost.

I also didn’t want to put you in any more danger so I did the most rational thing I could think of. 

“I will take over one of the fighter jets”

That night, we unintentionally found each other in the same spot we were a month ago.

A month had passed since one of our pilots found you in Specter One.

A month had passed since that night you cried in my arms for the first time ever since we parted ways.

I guess this is fate’s way of either mocking us or bringing us together one last time.

I’ve seen these in movies before. Where lovers meet up in times of a heavy battle as they talk through their hidden feelings with the fear that they won’t see the other again. I’ve always thought it was cheesy since Emcee cried about it. But, standing here beside you now in silence, in the same situation I found myself mocking over—

I guess the adrenaline rushing in me wanted to spill everything to you in case I’ll never see you again and I'll be the dead father in those movies whose daughters only see in pictures.

The more I thought about it, the more daunting it felt to imagine.

I didn’t want to be the father whose daughter he never met and I don’t want my daughter to grow up never meeting her father.

“Caleb?” Your voice cut through the depressing trance I dug myself into as I faced you with that face of yours I was looking, staring deeply into just in case it will be the last time I ever saw you.

How ironic, if this were in another lifetime I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice my life for the lives of others.

But now, I have a home I pray that I still want to go to, a family I want to build with somebody, a future I want to build with you.

“I heard about your plans…” You replied in a soft voice, you were way past watching the planes as you looked at me with sorrowful eyes.

“From Gideon huh?” I asked, you nodded as I shook my head. “I didn’t want you to know, in case that I—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence Caleb” You interrupted. Your voice was laced with disappointment and anger that I couldn’t pinpoint. “I’m sorry…” Your voice quivered as it shook with uncertainty. “I know I pushed you away and I know that I don’t deserve to even tell you to make it back alive when I had hurt you so much and—”

You shook your head as tears started falling down from your face, “I know it’s selfish of me to tell you to come back but I can’t lose you Caleb. I don’t want to lose you again. I thought that I would be fine, pushing you away like that when I knew it was selfish of me to make a big decision for the both of us without even talking to you first…” I wanted to reach out to hug you but you stopped me and shook your head. “No. Let me explain, let me give you that overdue apology and explanation that you deserve so much because I feel like if you hug me right now, I might just forget about everything and melt into your arms instead”

You don’t have to explain anything. I thought, as I watched you try to regain strength in your words, Your hug and warmth would’ve sufficed. 

“When I found out that I was having Ciel. I thought about how your dreams were more important than mine. How yours was built on certainty and love since childhood while mine was built on convenience and security.” Watching you say those words reminded me of the conversation we had that night how you belittled your place in my life. How you thought of yourself as easily replaceable.

How do you think that my dreams were more important than yours?

“So you're saying your dreams weren't as important as mine?”

“I'm saying that from the two of us, you're bound to end up somewhere farther”

“You were planning on giving up your future for our daughter? Is that why you didn't tell me about her?” I replied back. Is that what you think of as sacrifice? Giving up what you worked hard for because of something that we both slipped up for.

That’s not a sacrifice. That’s being selfish.

“I didn't tell you because you told me having a child wasn't a part of your plan!”

“If you weren't drafted and I didn't check your records. Would you have ever told me about Ciel?” I said, realizing that it was the first time I had physically acknowledged our daughter by her name as your eyes widened and you stumbled, taking a step back.

“I–”

“So you were never planning on telling me about her?”

“I didn't know what to do! I was scared!”

“And when will I find out?” I answered back, my voice cracking. I tried my best not to raise my voice at you because I didn’t want you to get scared. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea that I’m mad at you because one of the things I fear the most is scaring you.

And I don’t want you to be scared of me. I love you so much that it scares me.

 “When our daughter has already grown up and I missed major milestones of her life?” I had imagined if you weren’t drafted that day and I didn’t check your records. I would’ve lived the rest of my life mourning you and not knowing I had a daughter with you.

Imagining my life not knowing of Ciel’s existence made me shatter inside.

“When we had that conversation that night, I was scared that we'll both be stuck in a situation we didn't deserve” 

“I was young and immature back then. I didn't plan for that part of our future but—”

 “I could've taken risks too. You didn't have to endure it all by yourself” I could’ve altered my plans or made sacrifices too, for the both of us. You shook your head in disbelief, not believing what I’m saying to you.

“Didn't I tell you the main reason why I didn't want a child in the first place? It was because I didn't want them to grow up with absent parents so I'd choose not to have one instead” 

“But Ciel? After learning about her through you and Emcee it gave me resolve to push for another day. To see the light at the end of the tunnel so one day, I can go home to you and her”

“And if we burdened you?”

“The moment you left, flying became meaningless.” I meant what I said. Flying, the dreams I had became pointless when you left because you were the only one who made me realize that it meant to fly with hope again.

When I said those words you were stunned and frozen in place. As your cries grew heavier and I started crying as well.

I realized that I was lacking in so many ways of loving you. 

“I don't hate you for hiding Ciel. But I had wished that I'd done better to provide you— loving you—”

“You didn't lack–”

“No. If I did love you and treat you right back then, you would've considered talking to me about it” I took a step closer and a sense of relief washed over me when you didn’t take a step back. Instead you took my hand and interlocked it with yours— staring at it.

“So, I want to make things right with you. Once this is all over and if you'd let me— please give me a chance to make it right with you— to our daughter” I kissed the knuckles of your hand as I wiped away the tears from your eyes. I leaned in closer and whispered, “May I?” You nodded as I kissed the corners of your eyes.

“I love you… I've always had. It never faltered nor disappeared" I closed my eyes and kissed your forehead. “I promise that I’ll come back” I felt you slip something in my head as I opened my eyes and took a look at it.

It was you and Ciel. In the surgery room, holding her in your arms as you both cried.

You didn’t say anything as I stared at the photograph before hugging you tightly as I cried harder in your arms.

I sat in the cockpit as I started the engine. I took a deep breath and tried calming myself down. A few moments later, I was up in the air and hovering over the enemy walls in Vulcan. “This is Pacific-01 reporting to base command, do you copy?” I turned on the radio and a few moments later, I heard a response.

“This is base command, we copy”

Suddenly, I saw planes crashing down one by one as missiles were shooting our fighter jets left and right. “This is base command, our fighter jets have been hijacked. 30 of our jets are down and more are declining rapidly”

Of course my instincts are never wrong.

I had seconds to think of my next course of action. As I was losing control over my jet, I realized I had two options.

One: crash the jet with the explosives in it onto the wall.

Two: eject the plane.

If you were here with me, you would hate the choice that I’ll make right now. “Caleb!” I heard Gideon shout through the radio. “Why haven’t you still evacuated the plane?”

Answering his own question, Gideon quickly responded once again “Don’t you dare crash that stupid plane, Caleb. You have a family!”

“I won’t die easily Gideon” I responded, preparing to crash the plane onto the wall.

“Don’t be stupid. Didn’t you say you didn’t want your daughter to grow up without a father?”

“I also don’t want my daughter to grow up in a battlefield.” I answered quickly. If my sacrifice means that both you and Ciel won’t have to witness a treacherous battlefield then I’d do it over and over again.

The explosives I was carrying with me are enough to damage the wall so that the enemy teams will be vulnerable and our troops have an opening passage to enter through the other side.

“If I don’t make it back. Tell her that she was my last. There wasn’t anyone after her and I will die with no regrets”

“Caleb–!”

I turned the radio off as I steered off course and prepared to crash through the wall.

They say that before you die, your brain starts to recall the most important memories of your life.

From my childhood with Emcee and Zayne, to when I first fell in love with flying, meeting Gideon for the first time in the academy, and—

You, watching the planes fly by as the sun sets below us.

I imagined what life would’ve been like if you didn’t leave. I would’ve helped you raise Ciel as she grows to be more loved by us every day. Ciel, my daughter. I never got to tell you in person just how much I love you already.

The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was you.

“You’re staring…” I said to her, she just hummed in response, continuing to stare at me. “You’re handsome” I chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. “I know that sweetheart. Compliment me some more” 

We were walking back to our dorms after sneaking away and going on a convenience store run. I had just got back from camp and you demanded that we go out and eat or else you’ll figuratively and literally explode.

“No! I’ll just be feeding your ego”

We continued to walk in silence as your hand was interlocked with mine and you were wearing my sweater after arguing with you that it was going to be cold outside. “Caleb?”

“Mhm?” I responded immediately.

“If I hid a big secret from you, would you hate me?”“Is it a hypothetical situation?”

You nodded as I answered your question, bearing no mind to it. “Depends. If it’s something really big to the both of us I’ll get upset but—”“If I knew it was in your good intentions to hide it from me then I don’t see why I’d stay mad at you for long”

“Even if the world is ending and it’s my fault?”I was taken aback by your response. I expected something big but not this big. “If it was your fault then it can’t be helped. Let me stay beside you at least as we watch the world fall apart”

“I don’t know if you’re being romantic or creepy” You said, irked by my reply.

"Hey! You started it!”

“Look who decided to wake up”

When I opened my eyes, the first person I saw was Emcee. A furious one. “What happened?” I asked, my voice groggy as I sat up and was immediately met with a huge headache. “When you flew that plane onto enemy walls. Troops found you washed up in Eureka Harbor. A week later, enemies lowered down their flags and admitted defeat. And you—”

“Have been asleep for two months”

What the fuck?

“So not only did you explode, they found you in the harbor this close to dying, and you fell into a coma for two months without response” She explained, I could see her furious gaze even if I wasn’t exactly looking at her. “Where is she?”

“At their house in Skyhaven.”

I felt a sense of relief wash over me, hearing that you were safe. I didn’t bother to rush towards you as soon as I heard you were safe because I’ll just be dealing with an earful from Emcee, Gideon, and you.  

“You look like you wanna see her already”

“You have no idea…” I responded, lying back in my bed.

“Well, you don’t have to feel like you need to rush because they’re not going anywhere”

I smiled when I heard Emcee say those words which gave me a look of disgust from her in return. “Ew. I hate people in love”

“I’m telling on you” I argued back.

“Asshole”

“Pipsqueak”

A week had passed and I had not been cleared for my injuries yet but I was cleared to at least go on a walk that’s under ten minutes and the nurse made sure that I was getting plenty of rest. So, for the rest of my recovery, Gideon had been driving me around and I couldn’t hear the end of his complaints.

“Great. Not only did I fail to stop you from crashing that plane, I turned into your nanny” He mumbled, driving me to your place in Skyhaven. “Are you ready to see her?” Gideon asked, referring to Ciel. I nodded and impatiently looked out the window. “It’s what keeps me fighting you know? Being able to meet her once the conflict had ended”

“Who knows? I might just get down on one knee to her mother and—”

“Slow down Colonel, the doctor said one at a time”

I knocked on your door and nervously waited for you to open the door. You knew that I was coming over through Emcee but that didn’t stop me from pinching myself to see if I’m still dreaming.

If you knew what thoughts are going through my mind right now you might just laugh at me.

However, when you opened that door and I was greeted with your face that I’ve been missing for the last week, it’s like you blocked all of those thoughts that were haunting me just mere moments ago. “Caleb…” You greeted me softly, with a smile plastered on your face.

“Hi…” I greeted, your presence taking my breath away. You opened your door wider as you welcomed me inside. “Is she–”

“I’ll go grab Ciel for you,” you answered. I grabbed your arm and looked at you with uncertainty as you kissed my cheek. “Don’t be scared. She’ll love you”

A few moments later, you came back down with little Ciel in your arms and it made me cry when I saw that she looked exactly like you but with my eyes. You put her down as I crouched to meet her at eye level, seeing her look at me with no uncertainty made me realize that you raised our daughter.

You raised her well my love.

“H-hello…” I greeted, my voice cracked. You nudged her to come closer as you also crouched down next to her. “Ciel, this is dada”

Ciel looked at you before she turned to look at me. I expected the worst, her crying and not accepting me but what I didn’t prepare for was when she smiled and babbled and called me, “Dada!”

She was almost two years old and I knew that children that young can’t form sentences yet but they are at that age where presence matters because that’s where they start to recognize faces.

I cried even harder when I reached out to hug you and you willingly waddled over and hugged me first. “Dada!”

I hugged you back tightly, “Yes,” I replied in a shaking voice. “Dada’s here…”

I reached out to you and joined you in on the hug. “Thank you for raising her…” I said, “I love you so much” I cupped your face as I leaned in to kiss you.

And Astra knows just how much your lips and presence taste like home.

“I love you Caleb” You whispered when we pulled apart, “I love you… I swear I’ll never leave again” I smiled and leaned in for another kiss.

I know the road ahead isn’t easy and it will take a while for things to be back in its rightful place but this is a start, with you and for our daughter.

I swore to myself that we will get through whatever comes between us. No more running away and no more hiding through hurtful lies.

“There was no one else after you. I didn't bother to try” I said. After playing with Ciel all day and basking in the family and presence I dearly missed, I wish that the days ahead of me will always be just like this.

You crouched down next to me as you helped me clean up Ciel’s toys on the living room carpet. “You were my last too, I guess it makes sense.” You responded, chuckling to yourself. “What do you plan on doing now?”

“Well…” I trailed off. I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that question for the longest time. Truth is, I’ve already planned on what I was going to do with you, while I was recovering in the medical ward.

“If you let me then we move in together and once we’ve settled, we’ll get married.” I answered, glancing back at you with a smile on my face. “How does that sound?”

You smiled brightly, nodding your head. “That sounds perfect”

I hope from now on, all we’ll ever think about is our own happy endings.

And if we ever redirect our paths again, I know we'll eventually find our way back home.

Because the flights I take will always lead me back to you.

10–4, Captain Caleb out.

I really wanted to put into perspective just how much of a yearner Caleb has been ever since non-mc left and how it affected his way of thinking and actions. But, I also wanted to show just how much realizing that he became a father changed him even if he met Ciel for the first time when it was already the end of the story. Also him being a yearner and a father is a whole entire mood. I hope you guys loved the story as much as I did.

Summary: Caleb Xia was never meant to be someone that stayed. He was meant to soar through the skies without anything holding him back. He was painted in golden red, meant to fly, far away, chasing flights. You used to hate his arrogance, how much he carried himself around and how he was hyperactively aware of the way people perceived him.

But you couldn’t deny he was a man who loved flying planes more than anyone you had ever known your entire life.

From the moment you entered a rocky relationship with him to when he introduced you bit by bit to his past you learned that even if he’s so much of a self-centred jerk– you fell in love with him somewhere in between the hatred and the nights he left you alone to chase after his Emcee.

So, when you realized that you yourself were a burden to his future— you had no choice but to let him go.

Because the most selfless thing you could think of was to give him his freedom.

Word Count: 8.5k

Notes: This is basically non-canon since I haven’t played LnD in a while but I’ve always loved non-mc fics and Caleb so– also Mc is written as Emcee and she’s a year younger than our main characters. Also, characters are not canon too

------------------

It all started at the start of your Freshman Year in the academy where you met him. You had just broken up with your old ex-boyfriend after he cried and said he couldn't stand long-distance with you in Skyhaven and him in Linkon.

You spotted Caleb almost immediately as he had his way of standing out in the crowd. Along the crowd with those drunk freshmens– he was in fact, stone cold sober. You were used to wavering eyes looking at you, you were popular in high school back then too and just like how a lion finds its pack. Caleb knew you were just like him.

Mysterious. Attractive. Popular.

And had a hunger that couldn't be satiated.

And he liked that thrill. It also didn’t help the fact that you look so much like his Emcee from back home. Except that you’re not. Dyed hair, heavy makeup, piercings, and revealing clothing.

It awoke something in him that he didn’t realize that he unintentionally found himself walking towards you.

Caleb Xia was different when he’s away with Emcee. He was a partygoer, rawdogging school by getting high and drunk but still got above 90s every single time without fail. He was the definition of a fratboy.

“First time?”

“If you’re asking me if this is my first time drinking then I’m sorry handsome. I’m practically made for the streets”

He liked that you were confident. You liked how he was confident in approaching you.

Guys you met in the past were too shy to approach you. 

“Are you a Senior?” You asked innocently, you knew he wasn’t. But it was fun to see him get flustered and annoyed with your question. He groaned, annoyed. “Do I look like one?” You chuckled. Not giving him the satisfaction and reassurance he wanted. “I’m a Freshman.” He answered for himself.

You hummed and continued drinking but after that party before you left, he made sure you guys exchanged Instagram accounts.

That night, when you accepted his follow request. You saw that he was the type of person to repost other people’s posts that included him. He also was the type to post one image posts of him and his Instagram highlights were filled with either his love for planes, legos, and apples or— Emcee.

You also learned three things about him

One, he likes Radiohead.

Two, he’s unapologetically a good cook/baker.

Three, he was obviously head over heels for Emcee.

------------------

You two started talking three days after.

He sent the text first after you were stalking his account and liked one of his posts with Emcee from when he was in high school.

Caleb.xia: didnt take for u to be the stalker kind

You: Im all kinds of things

You didn’t save face. You weren’t the type to get embarrassed. You took pride and admit in what you do even if it meant admitting that you were shamelessly stalking Caleb Xia’s Instagram profile.

Caleb.xia: if u rlly want to know what I look like in high school I can send u a pic

And boy he did send a lot of pics. The ones where he was obviously flexing to ones where he looked just down right ridiculous but still handsome doing it. He’s attractive and he knows it.

And you liked it.

Since that day, you two just started hitting it off. From late night conversations to meeting up late at night to you sneaking into his dorm and vice versa.

When your friends got sight of it, you told them he was just another fling.

When Gideon asked Caleb what you meant to him, he told him you were just a friend.

Late at night, during winter break, you sent him a text. Half-expecting for him not to reply since you were high in the nightly breeze. 

You: Do u think I look a lot like her?

Caleb.xia: like who?

You: Ur emcee

Caleb.xia: im meeting up with her tmrw

Caleb.xia: u can come w me and see for urself

The next day, you met up with Caleb and Gideon while he drove all the way to where he grew up with Emcee. You met their grandmother, Josephine, who was neither sweet nor cold to you and then— you met his Emcee.

She was the striking mirror image of you but polar opposites in terms of looks.

It looked like she failed to realize you were 

She was spoiled but not a brat. She looked weak but could fend for herself.

You can tell she was showered with love by Caleb but both were oblivious to it.

You glanced at Gideon as he looked back at you. Seemingly agreeing with your statement that Emcee was the epitome of an angel and Caleb was so down bad it was a sight for sore eyes.

He looked at the two of you with a look that said to not tell his family about what he’s really like at the academy.

How he had a different persona from when he was in the academy than when he was in his hometown.

Here, he looked like a good boy who is a golden retriever personified.

You looked at Emcee even more when all five of you sat down at the dinner table as you took one good analysis of Emcee for yourself and answered your own question.

I was wrong. I look nothing like her.

Not when she can make Caleb beg on his knees for her with one snap of her fingers and how she didn’t need to reach for a pair of chopsticks when she accidentally dropped hers on the floor because he was already on his way to do it himself.

You couldn’t hate her either, your bitchiness radar is never off and from what you can tell, she isn’t a goody two faced son of a bitch— she was just a nice girl. Who grew up with love even under harsh circumstances and you applauded Caleb for raising such a kind and lovable girl while he was also growing up alongside her.

You got to talk to her personally when Josephine convinced the three of you to stay the night and return back to the academy the next day. Since there were only three bedrooms in the house. Caleb and Gideon slept in the same room. You, with Emcee. She let you borrow her pajamas and complemented on how you looked adorable in unicorn print pajamas.

If Caleb or Gideon saw you like this right now, you wouldn’t hear the end of it.

You took a look at her room and came to a conclusion that Emcee is hyperfeminine and is a girl’s girl with the stories she told you about her and her friends and how she pushed her best friend’s ex-boyfriend in the cafeteria and embarrassed him for replacing her best friend after a week.

“It’s nice to talk to someone older than me for once” She confessed, hugging her knees tightly and giving you a bright smile. She volunteered to sleep on the floor whilst you slept on the bed. You wanted to argue back but she left no room for objections.

“Caleb should bring home more friends often. I’m getting sick and tired of Gideon visiting and eating all of Gran’s desserts”

You chuckled as you failed to realize that she was staring at you with such a loving gaze, like family.

“Can I confide you in my secret?” 

“Depends on how heavy it is”

She laughed and glanced at the door before looking back at you. “Don’t worry. I haven’t known you for that long yet but I can know that once you hear me out– you won’t tell this to anyone, especially Caleb.”

With how confident she was, you were just eager to hear out what she wanted to say.

“I like somebody…” She blushed. “And he told me he’s going to be a doctor just for me” She confessed. Hiding her face with how red she was.

“And I wanna become a hunter too. To protect him as we both save lives in different ways.”

A few seconds later, she looked up and gave you a sad smile. “You see,” she pointed towards her chest. “I have a chronic heart condition. I’ve been in and out of hospitals since I was a little girl and Caleb has always been there through my best of conditions and worst of diagnosis but my heart was taken the moment another childhood friend of mine took my hand and told me he was going to pursue becoming a cardiac surgeon just for me and I—” She started crying mid-sentence but you were frozen in place, hearing her story out to comfort her.

“I don’t think he likes me back …”

You snapped out of your trances and hugged her tightly. Trying so hard not to laugh once you see Caleb the next day after his greatest love just indirectly rejected him for a lifetime, while also focusing on the matter that even a girl as pretty as Emcee can’t have the man she wants.

When she fell asleep, you went out to the balcony for some fresh air and saw Caleb and Gideon out front, smoking. You carefully closed the balcony doors as you watched the two, unable to hear them. Right now, you wish your Evol wasn’t magnetic sensing which meant you could sense powerlines, lightning, and more. Which made you useful for flying military planes to avoid guns and fighter jets.

Caleb was the first one to sense you as he turned around and waved at you with a sinister grin on his face. You gave him the middle finger back as you felt gravity betray you as you started floating and flying towards him.

“What the hell, Caleb Xia?!” You lashed out at him in surprise. He smirked and said, “What? You looked all sad watching us from the balcony.” He offered you his pack of cigarettes. “Want a stick?”

On a normal day, you would’ve agreed without hesitation but tonight, you were rooming with Emcee and you didn’t want her to smell you and call you out for smelling like cigarettes so you refused. You stood at a good distance from the two as they continued. “How was rooming with her?” Caleb asked, referring to Emcee.

You recalled the conversation you two had earlier as you kind of promised her you wouldn’t tell him her secret so you shrugged and said. “She’s… okay”

Caleb just hummed, not believing your answer. “Your pajamas say otherwise” to which Gideon choked out a laugh.

You were taken aback and looked down at the unicorn pajamas you were wearing. “You–!”

“It’s not what it looks like!” You shouted in defense as Gideon was laughing hysterically. “It suits you,” Gideon said. Caleb chuckled and stared at you for a little too long before looking away. “I didn’t think you were the type to like unicorn pajamas—”

“Because I don’t” You quickly defended yourself. “I swear if you say it suits me—”

“Do you hate unicorns or something?”

“Excuse me what?” You answered in disbelief as Gideon was still laughing as he was already crouching on the floor.

“Are you trying to make me feel better or something? because you’re doing a really bad job right now” You pouted, glaring at him.

The night ended with the two of you going back and forth with each other as Gideon was dying of laughter. He walked you back to Emcee’s room right after.

------------------

The two of you “got together” during New Year’s eve. By “got together” it just means that you two entered a non-label more than friends less than lovers, more like bed warmer/placeholder less like living together–ship.

It was what any other reckless young adult would do on new years eve. Drunk and carefree.

That night, your gaze on Caleb lingered for too long, the way your gaze would eye him different— with attraction. Neither of you denied that he was attractive-– the way he carried himself made you want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. But maybe it was the fact that you couldn’t feed the hunger within you and the guys who wanted you didn't prove themselves worthy enough to be with you.

You– in fact, were still a person with pride after all. They have to earn you first.

But Caleb, boy– he already got you on a chokehold with the way he carried himself around.

Once again, your gaze lingered too long that he noticed. Of course he did, he would always notice everything. From across the room, he gave you a knowing smirk and you stared at him in your drunken state. The people around you two faded and you only saw him at that moment and you wonder— if he felt the same too.

If he looked at you as the world blurred around you two.

You stood up and walked towards him as he was leaning against the wall. Drink half-empty but still look at you with an unknowing gaze. His hand lifted up to your cheek as you melted into it. Staring at him with a dangerous gaze as he looked down at you still, way too still. You glanced down just in time to catch the apple pendant around his next glistening back at you.

You involuntarily reached for it as he let you. Like he’s letting you in another part of him.

“She gifted this to me”

This isn’t about her  You thought to yourself. You were in front of him right now and all he was thinking about was her?

You. In front of you.

“She’s not here right now” Your words left your mouth before you could even stop it. “I am”

His lips parted and his eyes widened. He drank the rest of his drink as he discarded it somewhere you both don’t give two fucks for. “You’re right…” He muttered as he removed his hand that was resting on your cheek and closed it into a fist, as if he was stopping himself.

Stopping himself from doing something both of you might regret 

“I’m not her Caleb” You repeated yourself. You can do whatever you want with me.

“You’re right because she’ll tempt me like this without even knowing but you—”

You certainly know what you’re doing to me right now.

His gaze on you darkened as the guy from behind you accidentally collided with you that made you fall onto Caleb as he catched you swiftly. He glared at the man who pushed you as you quickly recomposed yourself. You stared at the man who looked like he could turn over this entire party in the matter of just a few seconds with his Evol.

Emcee has no idea how much of a greedy man that she raised. Or maybe she did. She doesn’t know that he practically raised and fed a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment.

Sorry Emcee but I want to see what this man looks like once he finally explodes.

You wanted Caleb and you wanted him now. When he’s driven to the edge and could explode at any moment. So, you cupped his cheek and looked up at him. “Are you okay?” He asked. You nodded and leaned in closer to him. “He probably didn’t see me”

“You? Impossible. You stand out in a crowd”

“How?” You innocently asked. 

“I exactly know what answer you want from me and I won’t give you the satisfaction for it”

You wrapped your arms around him as you let him meet you at eye level. You weren’t short so he didn’t need to lean down as much and you with heels— you wish he wanted this just as much as you did right now.

“Then you can surely read what I want from you, right?”

“You want—” He held a lock of your hair and kissed it as he held your arms that were wrapping around him. “To have your way with me”

“You want it too” You told him.

“And you know just how hard I’m trying to hold myself back”

You leaned in close, asking permission to kiss him, and he let you. As you two kissed and your bodies close together, you could taste the liquor off of him and it made you even more drunk in the atmosphere. The way he held you like he was slowly letting his frustration out– on you.

That night is what changed everything but the next morning, as you two sobered up. You were immediately snapped back to reality. As you woke up in your dorm room with him gone, remembering that he took you home that night after the party and abruptly left leaving with only a message saying he’s going home.

Not his dorm, but to Emcee.

And that’s when he officially labelled you as his placeholder when she’s not around.

You didn’t care. For you, he’s just someone to fulfill something within you so you won’t have to go through all the effort of looking for a new one every single time. You saw him as someone convenient for you.

Winter break ended and Caleb hasn’t contacted you since. When the new semester finally came rolling around— you saw him in class as he looked back at you like he wasn't just a ghost and you, instead of being upset at him— it possibly made you want to play him instead. You thought he would just discard that night after leaving you abruptly but boy you were wrong.

When class ended and you walked out the classroom. He pulled you aside and made you remember that that night was not nothing.

You smirked and felt relieved that it wasn’t over with just a drunken confession. 

As the cycle continued once again as he disappeared on you during winter break then reappeared right after then disappeared on you again. It made a longstanding bet between yourself just how long he'll ghost you and reappear again every single time.

Truth is, you were just there to be his Emcee while his actual one is gone to possibly feed or tame whatever insanity is going through inside his head. 

He took you out on dates on other nights too. There was one night where he suddenly knocked on your dorm room half-expecting him to do you but instead the moment you opened the door he said this— “Get dressed”

“Woah, shouldn’t it be the opposite?”

He chuckled as he shook his head. “I’m serious. After that stupid professor gave us the hardest time. I wanted to let my frustrations out through—” He looked up and down at you. “Something else”

“If you’re thinking–”

“I am definitely not thinking what you’re thinking right now” He quickly interrupted. You grinned, “So, can I assume that it’s a date night?” your smile grew even wider when he nodded. “It’s a date then–” Just as you were to close the door on him, he stopped you halfway through.

“I’ll call you once I’m done getting ready?”

He pouted, “Can’t I watch you get ready?”

He, in fact, did not expect that watching you get ready was a mini karaoke session with your favorite songs (and his in between) while getting ready. While also having a mini snack party in between as you told him about you growing up (and probably putting some light makeup on him too as you defended that it’ll look good on his complexion as he let you).

That night, you didn’t expect the date would consist of him flying a plane and giving you a tour of Linkon at night.

You were surprised when he dragged you onto a runway at first as you came to a quick conclusion once you saw the plane and him alone that he’ll take you on a date above the sky.

Once he took off, and you relaxed comfortably in your seat did you start to watch him.

He’s just a student flying a plane— what more will he look like once he’s graduated and started chasing the skies? He may be a jerkface most of the time but you couldn’t deny nor take him off his passion.

With how much he loved the skies and how much the skies embraced him.

He was made to fly, far away, and almost never touching land.

That’s how Caleb Xia is made for.

You looked over at the city lights shining brightly back at you. The view was breathtaking even from land but now that you were in the skies– it just hit differently. Yes, it’s dark but it didn’t feel scary with the lights smiling back at you.

How you wished this moment could last just a little bit longer.

But all good things came to an end when he landed and held your hand as you stepped off the plane. “Who helped you plan this?” You asked.

“Gideon”

“Well I owe him my thanks”

He looked at you like you had just given him the biggest offense. “I took you out on a date and you’re thanking him?”

You scoffed, “I meant as a thank you for helping him plan all this but of course—” You kissed his cheek and let go of his hand. “I plan on thanking you too”

He rolled his eyes and hugged you tightly, “You better do”

Astra knows just how much you were willingly to be down bad to this guy but the woman he is waiting for back home is what is stopping you— all of you— from falling deeply, madly, truly.

He took you out to dinner that night and everything was fine until he received a call from Emcee.

Caleb quickly answered it as he always did as he left you alone at your table. When he returned however, he kept on apologizing to you as he needed to return to Linkon as something happened to Emcee.

And this is why you don’t let yourself fall for Caleb. Because it’s like free-diving without a parachute. All thrill, no safety.

He didn’t go to school that week and was at risk of almost failing so when he came back— he ignored everyone to try and get his curve back up. Including you. And you were fine with that. The school year was already ending and you had already expected him to disappear on you again so this was nothing.

This. Is. Nothing. Like. You. Haven’t. Seen.

So, once your Sophomore Year in the academy is over and everyone is going home for the holidays, you stay behind moving in your new dorm because frankly— you have no home to go back to unlike Caleb or Gideon.

You had the first day of summer break planned out already. You would go out to eat, go on a drive, and maybe find yourself watching the sunset on a balcony somewhere in a public building. So when you left your dorm and turned to leave—

“Where are you going?” You instantly froze out of shock as you turned around and saw the last person you would expect to stay. “Caleb…” You called out. He walked closer as he eyed you from top to bottom. “It’s been a while…”

“If this is your way of making it up to me—”

“I know I’ve ghosted everyone these last few weeks. Gideon is pissed and you’re quiet.” His voice was caught in his throat as he fidgeted with his pendant and avoided your gaze. “I just want to make it up to you two and if you don’t want to—”

“When are you leaving?”

“I don’t plan on going anywhere”

I don’t trust you, You thought to yourself. You’ll leave. You always did.

You scoffed at him, trying not to feel pity for him when he was the one at fault. “Where’s Gideon?”

“Home for break”

So I’m the second option, huh?

You didn’t want to forgive him just yet for ditching you and Gideon but you also expected it as he had always done it again and again. “Then–”

Your words came out faster than you could process them or even think about what you’re about to say. “Accompany me till you have to go”

His expression shifted quick– way too quick– that you almost didn’t notice but you purposefully ignored it. He forced his usual smug look as he said, “Alright then, I’ll drive you to where you want to go”

Imagine your surprise when he didn’t go home at all during break. When Gideon came back a week early, he made it up to him as well as he said he would. It wasn’t just summer break too— he never once came home throughout the entire year which made you think that maybe— maybe he was finally over Emcee.

Each time you wished he wouldn’t go home and begged Astra that for some weird circumstance, he would decide to stay and as if Astra did hear your prayers because each time— he did stay.

You stalked his Instagram account one restless night and saw that his posts with Emcee had mostly disappeared as his page became less like an Emcee diary and more like— him.

You checked his highlights and stumbled across pictures from when he was with Gideon at parties, familiar pictures from when you went on dates with him and— candid photos of you.

You recalled when you jokingly told him to post you at least once on his Instagram account and see how your and his friends would react and he did post you.

His phone notifications had finally gone silent as it was constantly on sound mode. He wasn’t also obsessively trying to go back home nor await her message as he finally focused on school, his friends, and you.

In your defense, it was because you two were graduating next year. But the crawling romantic in you was hoping it was because he finally let go of Emcee.

However, you still didn’t give him the satisfaction of your affection as the gnawing thought that one day, his heart or brain would reset and he’d come crawling back to Emcee.

------------------

It was spring of your Junior Year when he did something stupid– so stupid that you couldn’t deny that you had already fallen deeply for this arrogant man.

You were already comfortable with the fact that Caleb isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and he made sure of it when he took you out to his hometown not to visit Emcee (Who was already in her Sophomore Year in the Hunter’s Academy so she wasn’t home) not to reminisce about his past with Emcee but to talk about him.

He couldn’t avoid not being able to talk about Emcee as they were attached to the hip since he could speak his first sentences but he made sure of the fact that he was there to let you in on another part of his life for you.

“He’s in love with you”

“Shut up Gideon, this isn’t about you”

“Then why console me about your boy problems? Did you forget that I was friends with Caleb and I can snitch on you any minute” You rolled your eyes at his threat towards him. “Like you’d ever” Just then, Caleb appeared before you two as you found yourself staring at him. Gideon could feel just how oblivious you two were of each other but he also knew why you were also trying your hardest not to fall for him.

“Are you ready to go?” You nodded. Grabbing your overnight bags and standing up, you turned back to Gideon as you gave him a look. He just gave you a funny face back as he waved goodbye at you two.

You two arrived in Caleb’s hometown in less than two hours by train. He took you around his favorite childhood spots till the sun was setting and he took you to one last place that he swore had the best view of planes flying by. You got out of the car in excitement as you ran out and watched as planes flew by in the sunset.

“Did this view make you go “yep I wanna fly planes for the rest of my life?” because it certainly did for me” You told him, admiring the view.

He chuckled, “Yup. And many different factors as well” 

“You know… Growing up, they always told me that I should pursue military aviation because they could use someone with my Evol but looking at this view–” You took a deep breath and tucked your hair behind your hair as the wind flew by you two.

“I don’t mind flying planes for the rest of my life if it means I get to partake in this view” You said, half-joking. You snuck a glance at Caleb as he was so immersed in watching the planes soar through the sky.

He was so focused he didn’t even catch himself smiling which caused you to sneak in a quick kiss from him which caught him off-guard. “What was that for?” He quickly gained composure. You shrugged, “Wanted to see you caught off-guard”

When you saw that his ears were turning red, your face froze as you looked away. 

“Do you ever feel like yourself and somebody else at the same time when flying?” Caleb asked, “Sometimes. Mostly I feel like the latter”

You were practically forced to take this path so it was understandable if it left a bitter taste in your mouth.

Unlike Caleb and Gideon who chose this for passion and Astra knows what else. It didn’t take a spoken confirmation nor a reader to know that he was a man with passion. He loved the skies endlessly because maybe, it made him feel something that no amount of land can give him.

Maybe because to him, the skies were meant to give him freedom.

He was meant to be flying that plane, soaring far away.

Maybe to him, that was also his way to cope and reflect.

Caleb may be a jerk and fool in love but you cannot deny that look in his eyes that his first and greatest love will always be flying. He was made for it. He was born for it.

And you, as evil as you can be at times, you didn’t want to strip him off that raw and real passion he had even if he had involuntarily hurt you without you even knowing.

Even as of right now, you still wanted him to punch him but you didn’t. Not when he feels so real in front of you. Like you can actually reach him.

“Did I ever tell you that you’re such an ass sometimes?” You said out loud.

“I think I heard two other people say that to me too”

One being Gideon, the other one being Emcee…

“She’s not here—”

“I know and I don’t care if she’s here or not”

Wait, what?

Your eyes shot up at him, looking at him with utter shock. He hesitantly reached for your hands as he locked yours into his, looking at you with the same longing gaze that you saw him give Emcee two years ago.

The. Same. Longing. Gaze. Towards. You.

And you instantly knew, without words, that he was now hopelessly, utterly, and devotedly in love with you. “Since when?”

“Since the night I took you out flying over the city that’s when I knew that—”

He kissed both of your hands. “That I could clearly picture us flying together and it made me feel something. Something more than relief, more like love.” He confessed. Never in your two years situationship with this man would you expect a confession from him.

You expected tears, a fight, and hatred by the end of this unstable relationship.

Not love.

“Caleb–”

“I know that I was a jerk to you at the start. Yes, I was infatuated with Emcee when I met you and I used you to my own benefit and satisfaction but I swear—” He held his breath, afraid of the next words that would leave his mouth.

“I swear what I’m feeling for you right now is real. It’s all real. No attachments, no lingering regrets. I’m ready to put aside what I felt for her in the past if it meant opening a new door of opportunity with you. If it’s with you I swear— I’ll live the rest of my life making it up to you if it means having you with me in the end…” His hands shook as he still held your hand. Tightly, eyes uncertain, not sure where to look whether towards you, the skies, or his trembling hands.

You gulped, “Why now? Why after two years of leaving me hanging?”

“Because I was a fool. An idiot. I only knew one form of love before I met you. But once I was away from her and was expanding my world— I saw you. You showed me a different version of love. One that didn’t need extravagant confessions or public announcements. Just presence…”

You saw how his eyes glistened as tears betrayed his eyes as he finally looked at you. “Please, if I’m not too late… Please let me have this— you. And I swear that I’ll make it up to you even if it means having to fly across borders or universes just to reach you. If you just give me a go signal that you still haven’t closed me off—”

You squeezed his hands back as one of your hands let go of his grip, wiping the tears that were falling from his face. You gave him a soft smile. “You’re not late.” You said, voice barely above a whisper. He looked up but you quickly held his head down as you shushed him. “Let me speak first before you look up because I might just explode…”

“I wanted to give up on you, you know? After leaving me hanging during Sophomore year. When you ditched us, one thing came to my mind and I was just thinking of ways to break it off with you because frankly? I was so close, so close to leaving you that day Caleb. I was mad, we were mad.” You explained, you felt your voice quiver at the end. “But then last summer, you stayed. And with many opportunities for you to leave us— you didn’t. I’m scared that this is all temporary, that you’ll leave me again and I’m scared to open up my heart to a man filled with uncertainty. Don’t you get it Caleb? I’m scared of giving you another chance…”

You felt teardrops fall on your face as you still kept his head down. Refusing to look at him as you stared at the sky instead. The planes weren’t passing by, soaring through the sky anymore. Instead, you two were only left with the sun mostly setting and the night awakening.

“But this, right now. When you feel so raw. So real in front of me. Who am I not to give you another chance?” You couldn’t breathe with how hard you were crying. Your words stumbling upon yourself as you tried to shoot out another word out of your mouth since you weren’t done explaining. “I wanted to say that you’re too late out of spite but I know that I’ll also regret saying that to you so—”

You finally let go of him as he looked up at you.

“This is your last chance to make it up with me. If you’re going to mess it up again, I won’t hesitate to leave this time” He cupped your face, as he wiped the tears that were flowing from your cheeks as he gave you a tight hug. “Can I kiss you…?” He asked hesitantly. You nodded and without any more words or delay– he kissed you.

Right then and there, right at his hometown, where he promised himself he would chase the skies, and now— promising you his future.

“It’s hard to cry with these contacts…” You told him, wiping the tears from your eyes. He chuckled as he kissed the corner of your eye. “I’m sorry sweetheart. I swear that it’ll be happy endings from this point on”

“I promise that I’ll help you chase your future…” You whispered, enough for him to hear. Which made him smile wider than clouds could draw and more than writers could describe as he kissed you once more.

When you two returned to the academy the next day, Gideon congratulated the two of you the moment he saw you two. “You snitched on me?!”

“I would never—” He nudged towards Caleb. “This guy told me what he was gonna do a week ago and by the looks of it, I guess he owes me a drink now” You raised a brow as you gave both Caleb and Gideon a confused look. As Caleb cleared his throat and looked away in embarrassment.

“Gideon made a bet with me that if you said yes that I would owe him a drink.”

“And that was the easiest bet I have made in my life” He said, slinging an arm on Caleb as he dragged him away from you.

“Wha— Gideon! Give him back!”

Junior Year flew by quickly as it was now your Senior Year. Your relationship with Caleb was nothing short of anything and he was honest when he said he’ll make it up to you by never leaving you room to doubt him.

But just like flying planes, eventually, you need to land in reality.

You had been feeling ill the last few days with Caleb noticing. You discarded it as food poisoning when you two went to a seafood restaurant but usually it’d be gone right after two days. A week was passing by and you showed no signs of recovering anytime soon.

Caleb was away for a camp for two weeks and you were left alone in your dorm. Sometimes, you’d stay at his but with graduation nearing in just a quarter away— it left you no room to slack off anytime soon.

However, the sickening feeling in you got worse as it was basically punching you to the gut. You gave up and decided to buy stomach medicine when you received a notification from your period tracker app.

Your cycle has started.

You quickly clicked on the notification as you saw that you missed last month’s period and this month’s too. You were so busy with school that you forgot about your period and suddenly, as if someone poured an ice bucket of water at you— you came to a realization. 

No– no… This can’t possibly happen.

But you couldn’t shake off the creeping doubts in your mind that were eating you alive so you bought a pregnancy test as you went to the nearest public restroom since you couldn’t wait any longer and you were at risk of Caleb seeing it if you did the test in your dorm.

While waiting for the results, you recalled a conversation you had with Caleb some nights ago.

“What are your thoughts on having a child?” You asked Caleb as he was lying in bed with you. Hugging you tightly as he watched you scroll through your cousin’s social media post of her newborn child with a caption saying:

‘The balance to my chaotic life’

“What about you? Do you ever want to have a kid?” You shook your head. With the careers you two have and needing to fight in the front lines. Having a kid with both of your lives being always put at risk was not something a child should ever experience. “No. It’s not that I think I’ll be a bad parent, it's just that— our jobs demand us all the time and who knows what dangers we face and if we bring one into the world— I don’t want to share my trauma and heavy burden with them.”

He nodded, as he brushed your hair that was falling off your face. “I think we can live the rest of our lives without having kids.”You looked at him expectantly, “You’re planning on marrying me?”He grinned and kissed your forehead. “I plan on proposing to you after we graduate and then we get married, die on the same battlefield—”“That’s going too far…”

He chuckled and kissed you on the forehead. “I know. I’m just saying I already have the rest of my life planned out with you in mind.”

“And I know we’re still young but— I want to chase my dreams without anything holding me back…”

He told you before that he didn’t want a child because he wanted to chase his dream without anything holding him back. Because having a child was not in his plans and he knew— he knew it would just be a burden to his future. So, he told you that night that instead of having a child that will be put aside because his parents are chasing dreams— he’d rather not have one instead. So that no one would get hurt.

The irony, You thought to yourself. It’s like Astra tested you two’s conversation from that night. After a good fifteen minutes passed by, you flipped the test around and that’s when it hit you— like a bullet had shot through you and past you.

Positive.

And with just that word alone, it sent you down a spiral on what the hell will happen next. But one thing’s for sure in you—

Caleb needs to go.

He can’t stay. Not when he had known his greatest love for the rest of life and he had only loved you for less than a quarter of that part of his life.

You needed a reason, a solid, valid reason to push him away.

With exams approaching and with deadlines stacking, you choose not to attend exams and submit any of your work to receive a low grade that will put you at risk into repeating a semester— or your senior year.

A reason for him not to stay with you.

So, when Caleb returned from his camp a few days early, all you could do was force a smile and hide everything from him.

His child, your plan to leave him.

And it worked.

Finals were approaching and you decided not to take it. Your counselor put you aside and told you that if you didn’t get your act together, you would have to repeat your senior year and you didn’t listen. Instead, you lashed out to the point that he was forced to suspend you for a week which made you unable to take the finals.

And when graduation results came out, your name was not on the list.

Caleb was the first to find out. Hell, you found out you couldn’t graduate because of him when he stormed into your dorm that very same day with anger in his eyes, gripping his phone, and trying so hard to maintain his composure.

“You’re not graduating?”

“Caleb I–”

He slammed the door shut behind him as he stood in front of you. You hid the growing bump using a throw pillow as you swallowed hard, gaining composure and rehearsing the things you needed to say to him. “What happened I–” He stumbled upon himself, hand combing through his hair as he paced back and forth throughout the room.

“Are we okay? What happened–”

“I got too comfortable and slipped up–”

“You expect me to believe that?!” He snapped at you. Caleb quickly realized that it was wrong of him to scream at you as it would solve nothing. He took in a deep breath, “I’m sorry I snapped at you…” he knelt down in front of you as he held your hands. “But please tell me what happened so I can help you—”

“You can’t help me Caleb, this is my fault—”

“I won’t stand to see you giving up this easily!”

You stood up in fury as well. “Caleb! It already happened! We can’t undo the mistakes I’ve done nor the fact that I’m not graduating is still there!” 

His eyes widened as he reached over and hugged you tightly. “Then I’ll wait for you—”

“No. You’re going.” He quickly let go of his embrace with you “No—”

“Caleb. This is my karma. I’m not dragging you with me to my demise”

He held your hand tightly. Not to the point where it hurt but to the point where you could feel his desperation. “I told you. You’re a part of my future now—”

“Caleb, you’ve only known me for four years, loved me for two, you’ve known and loved flying your entire life.”

“This isn’t about who stayed the longest—”

“Yes it is” You tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall as you begged your child to give you strength, to give the courage to let him, their father, go.

“Because from the moment I met you up till this very moment. You were someone who had so much love for flying. Whether it’s because of your Evol or some kind of fascination I don’t know— I just know that even if I thought of you as a jerk, and many more hurtful insults back then— I couldn’t deny that you were made for this. It was as if it was planned out for you the moment you came into this world. And I promised you that I will do anything for you to reach that even if it meant having to let you go once I found out I will only burden you”

“You were never a burden—”

“No. You may not think like that Caleb, but I don’t want you dwelling on past regrets. I can see it from the way you’re looking at me right now that the passion still hasn’t died down and who am I to extinguish that flame in you?”

He quietly resigned from arguing with you because you were right. He entered the academy to chase one thing and one thing only. And you didn’t want him to be blinded by that, just like how you promised him you would help him chase his dreams.

Even if it meant you were the one holding him back.

And it hurt him to think that you believe you were holding him back.

But he could also see in your eyes that you were silently giving up and all he could do was accept.

Even if you know that he’ll most likely resent you in the future, you know that this is the best decision for you two right now. Right when he’s just about to get a headstart of his dreams, when he’s at his pinnacle of starting his success. Having a child is not a part of his plan. You reassured yourself over and over. We need to let him go.

Because it doesn't matter if he can see you in his future. You would just be holding him back. And you’d rather have your child grow up with a missing father than missing both of their parents.

Yes. You’re giving up your dreams so he can chase his.

You’re delaying yours so he could start his.

“Are you letting me go?” He asked as tears started falling from his face as he hugged you tightly, scared to let you go.

You nodded slowly which made him hug you tighter and his cries grew louder.

You wanted to hug him back but couldn’t. Not when you needed to look like you had already prepared to let him go.

“Is this your way of saying you still hate me…?”

You shook your head, “I stopped hating you a long time ago Caleb. In fact, I love you so much that I gathered the courage, the words to stand in front of you and say goodbye.”

A few seconds of silence passed by as he still hadn’t let you go.

“Can I stay the night?” He softly asked, cutting through the heavy silence.

He knew the moment the sun sets the next day, he will be out that door and out of your life.

Because the moment he exits that door, he will graduate, be drafted by the Farspace Fleet, and chase the skies.

And he will no longer be able to follow you.

You nodded as you kissed his forehead one last time.

“Aim the skies for me Caleb, I'll love you always.”

------------------

Months had passed and Caleb had already graduated months ago. Losing contact with him and going your separate ways, you gave birth to your child a few weeks before your graduation.

The first thing that you heard when you were starting to wake up from the anesthesia was the cries of your— “Congratulations, it’s a girl!” The doctor quickly handed off your daughter to you as her small figure and loud cries made you tear up as well.

Ciel. That’s what you named her. Meaning ‘sky’ which her father loved the most. She looked just like you with Caleb’s eyes.

-----------------