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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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Noah Kahan
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@paradigmshiv
wiggle

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I am down with a migraine. Very dizzy. Expressed a desire for potato chips because I thought the salt might help.
Holly Mop who was beside me in bed got up and trotted into my office. Came back into the bedroom and very daintily spat out a single potato chip.
Which has revealed two things:
A) that she does understand more of what I’m saying, and in true Shih Tzu fashion,chooses not to listen and
B) there’s a stash of stale potato chips somewhere in my office I’ll need to find tomorrow.
Emphasis on tomorrow
I’ve got a Dogtor to cuddle today.
Cat’s cradle
A skyscraper under construction/renovation in midtown manhattan nearly collapsed yesterday due to a major structural failure. that's not funny at all, of course, but what the spokesman for the developer had to say about it kinda is:
yeah. no totally. we've all been there. everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days
the typical construction mishap:
what the hell is going on
i believe in you Binface. you can do it. this could be your moment.
Please god it would be so funny
there is no downside to voting for Count Binface. its not taking away from other candidates bcos they aren't any and the more votes he gets the stupider Farage looks.
for people out of the loop:
Nigel Farage is the leader of Reform UK, a far right party who are currently in the process of a serious bid to become the UK government. they are just straight up evil.
Count Binface is an intergalactic space warrior with a bin on his head. he likes to run as a novelty candidate in general and mayoral elections. a big thing he likes to do is run as a candidate against the incumbent prime minister:
(Also pictured: Boris Johnson, Elmo)
Anyway, in brief:
Nigel Farage is currently in the midst of a big scandal about his finances
He has decided to deal with this by 1) making a show of nobly resigning from parliament and then 2) immediately running in the resulting by-election
He has stated that he is letting 'the people' judge his actions and implied that if he wins that will prove that he has been exonerated in the court of public opinion
His goal was presumably to get a big resounding win over the other parties, proving that The People still love him.
the other parties have thus far decided that this is a 'vanity election' and, well, there is one very easy way to ensure that he will not beat any of them, and that is simply not to play.
and as a result the only person who has so far confirmed they are running against him is Count Binface. no matter the outcome this makes Nigel Farage look like, u know, a fucking clown.
So what happens if Count Binface actually wins? Does he join Parliament? Does he have to take the bin off his face?
I've seen some people saying he would have to give up his title but it would seem that is no longer the case as of 1999; so, no, he can keep his ceremonial bin if he wishes.
Important to note also that Count Binface is the alter ego of comedian & political satirist Jon Harvey who seems to be an intelligent individual with reasonable politics. As I said no real downside.
The no hats rule clearly does not apply to him. He is not wearing a hat. It's a bin.
His political pledge

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The whole slowpoke tail thing fucks me up because there was a whole plot point in johto about team rocket cutting off the tails of slowpoke so obviously we can assume it must have hurt the slowpoke. They don't like it. So imagine my surprise when doing the restaurant challenge in xy seeing the throw away line about slowpoke soup caught me off guard. So they retconned the slowpoke tail like "it's okay because the slowpokes can't feel pain and it grows back :) sometimes the tails even fall of on their own :)" fucked up you can feed curry with slowpoke tail to your slowpoke in galar. So it's vegan if you find a tail on the floor? But not buying the package product? Do you wanna kiss
I genuinely thought it was supposed to be the pokemon world version of shark fin soup. The slowpoke can't live without their tails (don't they use it for fishing??!?) but I guess not. Instead we have sharpedo for the shark fin soup allegory
Where is my kiss
you don't even have a dog
my family has had some pretty interesting encounters with psychics/mediums that seem genuine in the past, but nothing will ever be funnier to me than the last guy my mom talked to who was so definitely bullshitting, because she said "I was hoping to hear from my husband" and the guy went "he said....it's okay to Move On" and like. every single person my mom has recounted this too has been like "He Would Not Fucking Say That". as if this was an ooc fanfic about my father. it's just so fucking funny. fake psychic dude take your shitty headcanons about my ghost dad and LEAVE!!!
like, my parents were legitimately insane about each other. I cannot stress how much he wouldn't say that. I have to assume his ghost was standing right next to this fake psychic yelling "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" when he told my mom to move on lmfao
actually. funnier to imagine he was a Real Psychic who was just trying to put a move on my mom and didn't think the ghost would do anything about it and now is now dealing with a violently angry haunting for the rest of his days lmfao
this psychic for the rest of his life all because he tried to hit on some dead guy's wife in an elevator
Ghost Dad: WE LITERALLY CHANGED OUR VOWS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LIKE "TILL DEATH DO US PART"
Psychic: he says you need a real man. a tangible one. a man visible to the average eye.
Psychic: I also choose this guy’s still-alive wife.
my horny ass would not have survived the great molasses flood of 1919 in boston, massachusetts
What are you implying-
i would’ve died

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“Would estrogen have saved the unabomber?”
Easy. No. Next question.
Transition wouldn’t have saved Ted Kaczynski from being a fascist, it would have turned him into Caitlin Jenner: Serial Bomber.
Really need yall to stop equating transition with moral goodness and start understanding it as just something you do.
Like not only is it annoying but it leaves you with absolutely enormous moral blind spots because you’ve convinced yourself you’re ontologically good because you’re trans, and I cannot begin to tell you how fascist a road that is to go down.
MHMMM MHMM YEP
The answer to "How did these Ancient People do this????" is basically always
1. A lot of dudes. Just a ton of fucking people from beginning to end of the process.
2. Ancient people weren't stupid, they just figured shit out the same way we do: fuck around until you find out.
3. We're gonna plan this out and it's gonna take ten fucking years, and you will cope.
4. Sticks and string are surprisingly versatile and can be used for a variety of purposes, like moving stuff and making sure things are even and go in the spot you wanted to put them in!
5. I want to make this easier and more efficient to move. If I put this on the round thing and push, it will move. If I put this in water, it will move. If I get some animals and rope and have a whole bunch of them drag it, it will move. All of these things are a better option than one guy trying to pick the whole fucking thing up.
No safety regulations
No weekends
Child labor
Slave labor
"The king said to do it"
History does not record the stupid megaprojects that failed
You don't have to grieve alone.
ironically enough, bringing a plushie to a public setting as an adult requires a tremendous level of emotional development, and attempting to shame an adult for having a plushie in public requires a significant amount of immaturity. this applies to a surprising number of things.
If you need a plushie for a public outing, you deserve to be euthanized
simply mediocre bait. this website used to be known for its hate game and its really saddening to see something like this going around.
holy shit you killed them
i dont think ive ever been proud of a post before? but i am proud of this one. partially because it hardparried a troll so hard their blog got deleted.
Hit em with a parry so good you freezeframe like Ultrakill

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I'm going to be honest I think the notion that there is a clear-cut list delineating what is and isn't a romantic or platonic behavior that is universal to every culture, time and unique life experience is a complete load of shit.
it's funny how all the movies from the '70s and '80s (and even some from the '90s!) just assumed that smog would get worse and worse until the earth (or at least LA) was perpetually shrouded in smoke, then the government banned smog and it went away; incredible really.
Acid rain went from being a pollution disaster to an environmental success story. How did scientists manage to prove that acid rain existed,
similarly "acid rain" was a genuinely devastating problem that was solved, eventually, by banning it! turns out you can just do things.