✮⋆˙paper stars⋆˙✮

passing the places we used to go

your intoxicating scent

still lingering in the air

subconsciously

i have already found myself looking for you in others

and everyday i realize

more and more

there is not going to be another you

yes there will be others

but the you shaped hole in my heart will remain

i know I will grow around it but

i fear it will always be part of me

but i also know

a big part of who i am today

is who i am not

In the midst of your blue-green eyes

like the ocean

It lulls me into a calm rest

as you kiss away my anxieties

I ponder your depth

and gaze as the waves crash into the surf

It has been easy to become lost in this feeling

so magical

It seems too good to be true

unfortunately

I have learned in the past that this is often the case

but I will try to enjoy this swim

before I sink

and the air exits my lungs

leaving me back where I began

that all the love songs i listened to

thinking about you

were all also about heartbreak

like i knew it would end that way

from the start

I know i will move past this

but part of me knows

a piece of you will always exist

in my heart

holding on to what could never be

i am so sweet

that it begins to corrode me

causing my heart to rot

as i beg to be consumed

but how can i plead for someone

who will not take me as i am?

how i wish that was not the case

but it is

he did not pick me

and that’s okay

there will be another who can handle my sweetness

not get a toothache after being with me

either way

the tree of time

will continue to grow

whether i like it or not

day one

the night your dagger

softly punctured my heart

it hurts

it’s a pain i have not felt in years

rejection

of someone

i wanted so badly

day two

i toss and turn

trying to get you out of my head

but the grief is overbearing

i beg and plead

for you to reconsider

you say it’s not me

then why do i feel so guilty?

day three

the sobering wake up

the future that i fear

is reality

but i must accept that

i channel my pain

into these words that i write

in hopes it’ll make me feel better

day four

i write until i cannot anymore

i listen to the same songs on repeat

to make it all drown out

wash out the noise

each time i feel okay

another wave hits

pulling me back under again

day five

i finally feel

like i found closure

i know why it couldn’t be true

i know that it’s better this way

still, it lingers

the possibility of something

that could never work

day six

i am learning to reframe this pain

use it as something constructive

not destructive

understand that sometimes people

aren’t meant to be permanent

he was served as a lesson

one i’ll never forget

day seven

i am at peace with the truth

he was never what i wanted him to be

to heal, i must detach from this pain

close this door so another can open

i know it’s over

but

i still find myself leaving it cracked

just in case

you change your mind

This disappointment

It's so heavy

A weight I have not had to bear in years

To be excited for what could be

Only to be reminded of what is

The fantasy in my head

Shatters into pieces

I hate it, but

Still

I crave you

I know this anger stems from something deeper

Desperately wanting

To be wanted

To be desired

To be someone special

It was naive of me to think

That could've been you

to carry such a fragile heart

with such shaky hands

that can barely hold these emotions

too heavy for me to keep to myself

it seems i push people away

with too much honesty

too raw to stomach

but i can hardly keep it down

it spews out of me

in these words

as this is my great escape

i just wish that it wasn’t so much

so overwhelming

consuming this shapeless form

that i call my mind

You are soft like cashmere

Warm like the sun

And gentle like the breeze

It is like walking on air

My worries subside

My attention fixated 

on your bright eyes and kind smile

Naturally at ease

Talking about everything and nothing at all

Understanding the complexities of who we are

As people

I'd like to think that it's different with you

But I must remember 

That all this is just

In my dreams 

I mold into who I think you’ll like

Forever evolving

Moving, changing 

A shapeless form

Pulled in so many directions 

But my skin can only stretch so far 

Until it begins to rip at the seams

Where old wounds have been covered

Restitched time and time again

My armor of weak excuses and justification

Only protected me for so long

Until my skeleton is revealed

Everything I truly am

Bare, vulnerable 

Me