Paperfool isn't home.

Too much pain [🇺🇸28 | 🔞]

💻Strawpage - thepaperfool

Why do people lie to you when they say they care but clearly choose to listen to someone slander you and then let others harm you? Ignoring the harm done to me and supporting eachothers terrible actions makes all of you bastards.

But when there are more people, it is easier to keep up the facade and continue on pretending.

Because if you stop to think about what happened, you're not going to like what's in the reflection. The pain you caused. The horror.

I'm afraid of being around. They haunt the same spaces I do. From tumblr, ao3, twit. They exposed themselves using my name and ridiculed me by exploiting my expressions of severe pain and trauma.

They sought out my isolated blogs in which I knew held no audience and mocked me for writing poetry to vent my pain. They mocked me for mourning five different relationships. They mocked me for not being able to heal in a weak. They mocked me for talking about my pain.

For people who claimed to see me as an equal. I was make lesser than the dirt they stood on.

I'm so afraid of trying to be around people. I'm so afraid of talking to new people. The people I wished to speak to either like that group more or are too afraid to be seen near me. I'm too weak to fight a group. And they were banking on that.

This name is no longer alive. I tried hard to keep it from dying but the wounds were too deep. I don't think I'll create or finish any fanwork ever again. I feel like part of me died. This part of me died. I'm disappointed. I did try my best. I don't know if I'll interact much anymore. I feel too disconnected, too unwelcome, too unwanted. I think I just tried to take up too much space. I really don't know who I am anymore. This pain isn't stopping.

Recently watch madoka magica.

Strangely I feel like I made a wish like they did and now I have to fight for my life every day for it.

I'd never get upset with people staying anonymous. Its safer for you. And I want people safe. That's why I gave the option every where I could. So people felt safe.

You would end up getting hurt even breathing near me.

They made sure of that.

And I didn't ever want to hurt anyone despite how they keep displaying me to the masses. It is scary dealing with someone out of their mind i get it but calling my pain fake or a ploy is cruel.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be a perfect angel. I'm sorry I hurt people. I'm sorry I have deep rooted traumas. I'm sorry I can't be fixed. I'm sorry for wasting people's time.

They think I'm trying to win them back, but I left them alone a long time ago like they wanted. And what's sad is that I was made fun of for having opens arms. For having an open heart. For caring so deeply and unafraid to tell people I loved, cherished and valued them.

I had so much fun with them. But then they use that against me. And now my experience is null and void. But if I talk like they don't want me too, I'm the most evil person ever.

I can't make new friends because if I tell those new friends the people that harmed me, they'll leave me too and it'll just be a repeat of pain and trauma on more pain and trauma.

I'm trapped. And they think I'm just crying for their attention. No, I'm crying because I'm stuck and the same people who reach out to me when I was alone became the same people to hurt me.

As much as I enjoy the slight conversations I get here and there as rare as they are and wish there were more. I need it known I'm very afraid of everyone due to the damage this ex group has caused me.

Even if you truly mean no harm and do genuinely have an interest in me personally and not just my stories. I don't feel comfortable seeing people speaking with them and then trying to speak with me. As if I wasn't deeply harmed.

I really do want to make new connections again but this trauma is isn't going away and that has to be understood. I'm very afraid of being hurt by more people.

I've known them personally. My experience is different.

Hi sweet ghost. I have and I love them. I want to share drawings of my human polle at some point too. It's been hard being creative.

I miss art but my head hurts and my hands feel numb. I wish I could try and talk about human Polle more but trying to think has been slow.

I imagine Polle being diagnosed with something when he gets old enough. The stigma of forcing yourself to pretend you're fine is something to explore with him.

There's so much to explore. Fatherhood, childhood, illness, foster care, babysitting, school, home life. Too much for my brain but at the same time not enough!

I'm sorry I'm not around.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re not in a good headspace, and I know it sounds cliche but please try to hold out hope that these dark feelings won’t last forever. Take it one day at a time, and remember; even if you don’t realise it, you are making a difference in someone’s life.

I know this isn’t much, but I hope this helps.

oh sweet thing, quick answer they will remain up in anonymous. But I confess, I cannot tell how important those works are to people. And it may take years to come back and complete any of them. But i guess be aware that if they do stop being worked on. You may have to prepare for the worst. And I apologize for it.

Longer answer (warning very depressive), I've suffer a massive mental health episode and lost everything I thought was important.

My decline had been slow but it was inevitable. The first chapter I wrote of drunken sweet a year ago(?), I was already highly suicidal. (And it was very noticeable with every chapter having notes of a clear sign of meltdown approaching) So I just wrote through the tears. I wasn't expecting to really enjoy it or anyone else to actually like it.

Then I wrote another. And it was delightful. I felt slightly better or at least distracted enough. And then I just kept wanting to write more and more but at the same time I was still declining in mental health and it became a severe battle trying to keep above the surface. But eventually I was drowning. And if someone is flailing while their drowning, others around them get hit by frantic swinging arms.

During my time writing I thought I made friends. But sadly they didn't feel the same. And proceeded to treat me in ways they thought was acceptable. Which was not. And they won't acknowledge that. Which goes against the things they said when they told me I was someone to them.

The pressure to all of a sudden be cured or healed was intense. Post episode I was alone and brain damaged. And every word they said to me was cruel. But they would deny it. You do not have to use vile language to make someone feel they should just disappear. Their unspoken actions said enough. It spoke louder than anything they could have ever said.

And toxic positivity does not help. I felt ridiculed. But being brain damaged as I was during the episode and post episode. I couldn't form proper words. Its why I stopped writing. I actually couldn't comprehend letters anymore. People in my real life saw me unable to perform chores I've always done. Actually saw it in person. I stopped drawing because my brain started to die on me. The extreme need to break my hands was not a joke. That impulsive behavior is what sends people into the psyh wards. But instead I more or less became catatonic.

How did I get out of it? I somehow waited it out. But the damaged to my nervous system was done. I saved my hands but I still couldn't function properly. I really need people to read about these episodes more, because if you think you understand, you do not.

I found myself trapped, unable to express anything. The only people I wanted to talk to were ones involved. Not outsiders. I've attempted to share my thoughts with the few that stayed but in the end I just let them pretend I didn't know they already picked a side. Which again they would deny. But you don't make a new group and continue on as if nothing mattered if that wasn't true. I was rejected and outcasted.

I wanted to trust that they meant it. That we were friends. But no. We weren't. My feelings over and over were stepped on. I stopped trying to argue. I stopped trying to defend. I stopped trying to reason. And I found myself looking at death again.

Not once was anything concerning me was ever considered. Truly not one thought in their minds.

They say they are hurt by me over and over but how nice is it to have a nest to crawl back to and have your wounds tended to by others.

People don't move on if they truly meant something. But they did. To them I am nothing. And to me I question if I can make it to age 30.

So yes my work is under anonymous again. Because I'm at a point where I want to die. It may seems I'm okay and or happy but thats because in the end I am a respectful being whether you deserve it or not.

I had a really bad massive mental health crisis. I went through a psychotic episode. The way the world melted for me and the people that were around.

Firstly, wanted to wish you good health and a speedy recovery! I'm not quite sure what medical leave entails, but I hope that it is treating you well.

Secondly, this newest fic you've written is such an interesting and engaging angle to view these characters through. The way you describe Curly's physical and emotional reaction to shame and his being triggered by the idea of his intentions possibly hurting Jimmy is so well done. I also really love how you wrote Jimmy's diary entries, you can really feel his pain, frustration and confusion and how that degrades his already low self esteem over time.

As with all your currently ongoing fics, I'm very curious to see where it goes and how it develops, you have such a genuine skill on taking these two and adapting them to each scenario in a way that feels accurate to who they are in canon while also exploring them further and fleshing them out. Every fic update makes me feel like I'm getting absolutely spoiled rotten and every end of a chapter leaves me craving more. Also your art is such a lovely treat that helps give more context to the stories, like the outfits, what family members look like, building layouts, etc. it's absolutely delightful!

That being said though, health does come first, and I don't want you to feel pressured at all to pump out updates. We can all be patient while you focus on recovery.

And if anybody gives you any hassle about that, throw a shoe at their head. >:(

Tip for strawpage drawings: It takes a long time to deliver drawings, so always screencap your art as a backup.

kill in minecraft right? IN MINECRAFT RIGHT?

Lmao, thank you, ya know I dont really know if they'll ever bang in drunken sweet, they're not really there yet like they still have a lot to go through. (I mean Curly still has a girlfriend lol)

XD I'm just torturing you all with the angst and pinning. But I seriously can't wait until we hit the tulpar section, I just want write the crew so badly. 😤

I did keep the what if smut separated from the main fic for that reason, the what ifs aren't cannon.

"And every time you vent your spleen

I seem to lose the power of speech

You're slipping slowly from my reach"

The song fits curlyjim so right with their lack of honest communication and simultaneous co-dependency. With Curly wanting to help Jimmy but not knowing how to, so opting for what he thinks is giving him space, while in Jimmy's point of view it comes off as dismissive and disappointed. And Jimmy wanting to open up to Curly about his struggles but deciding to bottle everything up and push it aside because past experiences had taught him that nothing good comes from his vulnerability. They end up clinging desperately to each other, but in fact only being farther apart. God, I hate them. Oh how I love them.

Anyways, thank you for all the work you've put out, I hope it helps you cope and work through your own problems just as it does for me. Sending all the blessings your way❤

Also I wanted to ask if you'd be comfortable with being tagged on twitter? Chapter 23 had me in a chokehold upon release and I kinda made some fanart for it... But I don't wanna bring attention to your profile there if you don't want it!!! I'm kinda unfamiliar with all that, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't disturb you.

Anyhow, hope you're doing alright, wishing you the best!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️Thank you so much for reading!!!!!!!!! It's been really fun writing it. This fic became such a monster but its my monster and I'm not giving up yet!!!!!!