damaged fool

This is a blog for extremely paranoid and depressive posts. This is a blog showcasing my decline in mental health and should not be used against me as I hallucinate and spiral.

I have no one supporting me emotionally and need a place to vomit all of my paranoia and other struggles with my mental state. Most to all post are nonsensical but full of extreme distress as I work through emotions.

They are not a depiction of me but of the daily pain and stress I'm constantly battling and facing alone. I'm suffering heavy anhedonia and apathy and get very dissociative and numb.

If I stop venting here.

Then that means someone came to attack my space.

I have been severely hurt by many people already in recent times. I'm struggling through all the psychological and emotional damaged they have given me.

I have been dismissed, devalidated, alienated, isolated, slandered, neglected and harassed. (Actually currently still being harassed, on Twitter.)

When someone is under severe psychological stress, grief, shame, fear, rejection, or trauma.

Some common physical signs of intense psychological pain include:

• trembling or shaking,

• nausea or a "sick" feeling in the stomach,

• weakness or feeling drained,

• chest tightness,

• rapid heartbeat or feeling your heart pounding,

• sweating,

• dizziness or lightheadedness,

• loss of appetite,

• difficulty sleeping,

• muscle tension,

• feeling frozen, numb, or disconnected.

I feel down. Sometimes I feel okay and other times I'm just stuck with unbearable loneliness and I don't know what to do. I just feel so separated from my body. I haven't left my room. I know should. I just don't want to. Its frustrating when people say seek help from a professional but its from people who have never taken meds or therapy. Seeking help can help but it doesn't get rid of the overwhelming pain. I can go to therapy to grieve there but in the end I'm still not okay. I don't know. How do people who suffered abuse live life knowing the people that harmed them are so close still and are just acting like they didn't completely destroy someone.

But then I think I can't make friends with anyone because what if they get hurt too or shun or bad things happen. But if I don't be active then how can I be friends with anyone? Take a chance for what? Even if i continued my fics and leave them anonymous or make art, my name is attached to them. My soul is attached to them. I can't even share work anymore. Its all stained. I'm trapped but I don't want others trapped with me. I'm crying for attention but also I don't want hurt anyone. I'm just very alone.

we've seen it time and time again. People with talent and huge followers get away with causing massive harm. They get to walk away without conquences for being incredibly awful.

It is evil walks free. They broke me and won. They silenced their target. They waited knowing that I was going to try to end it. Their banking on it. That I die with their secrets and crimes.

No one noticed. No one will notice they damaged me. Completely broke me inside and out.

Really was a bleeding body on the side of the road and no one stopped to look.

A person can say regrettable things during severe emotional distress and still deserve to be treated decent.

If someone is already mentally fragile or recovering from something severe, and then another person publicly exposes them at their worst, especially showing emotional, irrational, or pain-driven behavior, it can do very deep psychological damage.

If someone already struggles with dissociation, it can worsen because the mind starts trying to distance itself, reinforcing dissociation to avoid the panic and pain.

If I’m honest while hurting, it’ll be weaponized.

I don't know. I'm not trying to be a burden but I'm at a lost.

Why try to branch out

If people are to afraid to talk to you then do they really even care

I'm tired of being alone. And I'm being pushed to my limits.

Therapy and meds don't make people suddenly appear

pstd is a joke to people

Trauma is a joke

But what happens when you find yourself in the middle of a target having a panic attack because one of the asshole who harmed you works there and a flicker of a memory popped into your head.

Now I get sick when I see that place.