PandaNicole

I cannot sleep and I don’t know what else I can do right now to ease that other than trying to type everything in my head out. I want to get out of my body, I'm so damn anxious. Fleeing seems like the only thing that is going to shock my system. How to flee? That I am uncertain. I picture myself running down the road as is, t-shirt and underwear - too cold. Taking my own life? I can’t, I have too many responsibilities and leaving loved ones with grief fills me with too much guilt to even contemplate a how-to scenario. Hopping on a flight to ‘wherever’ was always nice when I worked for an airline. Get a couple days off and just go somewhere to be where you’ve never been before. Culture shock was great therapy. Walking dogs has been such great therapy lately, but I've only been able to hold a walk a week min. due to the low demand. I can’t just make people give me their dog to walk. Ugh, and school. I’ve had zero motivation to do homework, go to class, or do assignments. It’s fucking awful. How am I suppose to make myself into a successful, happy person if I can’t even do the bare minimum in class standards. Always making myself feel worse in this regard. Which circles myself right back around to fleeing. Escapism, something I crave constantly. Get me out. Take me away. Free me of responsibilities. I feel broken. I’ve felt broken since 2017. Like I'll never be able to fix this. Like it’s only getting worse. Never good enough. Never smart enough. Faulted.  How am I suppose to make myself go to bed right now. I can’t calm down my thoughts, they just race and race in circles. 

Wishing I were back in Iceland. 

5. I want to live in a different country.