Logging Off

if they don’t have diet coke in heaven when i get there, i’m gonna kill myself

when i die pour a white monster on my casket so hell knows that their savior is coming

every novel is a mystery novel to me because i can’t read

You're saying all you need is a proper buoyancy and decent water displacement? I'm not sure what that means but whatever floats your boat

inflation is definitely not good............but that’s just my five cents

‪my little cousin is trying to “cancel” me because i clogged the toilet and told everyone in the family it was him‬

posting my nudes on linkedin in hopes of finally securing a financial analyst job

it may have taken me 40 years to become the Guinness Books heaviest man in the world but it was worth the weight

i smoked weed once in college which is the only reason i can think of for why i never won the tour de france 

listen, i'm very wealthy, i have like 4 different email accounts

i may have been sent to the principal’s office for filling all the school's toilets with sand, but what really matters is all the friends i made along the way