I don't want to be like this, why am I like this?

Why did this feel so hard? He hugged him. Leo moved slowly, his hands dropping from Damiens and finding his waist until they wrapped around him. Pulling the smaller into him, allowing their bodies to press together. That's when he felt it, the quiver in his body, how he buries his face into the crook of Leonardo’s neck. Anything but admit his true feelings. Leo ignored the continuous tightness in his chest, the stinging behind his eyes. He swallowed it all. Even as their lips connected upon request, his fingers found the nape of Damine's neck, pulling him into a kiss to drown out the doubt. His lips moved slow, his eyes slipped closed…this all felt like goodbye, and maybe that's what it needed to be.

The intentionally slow movement eased the discomfort knotted in the stomach, allowing Damien to catch his breath a little, even if subconsciously the brain braced for pain. With everything he had, he tried to fight against it, why did he want to lean into everything Leonardo was saying, but couldn't? Was he broken beyond repair?

'Nobody what?'

Damien never answered, who would want a broken man? Shattering that perfectly attractive image to show a very small one underneath. Company was treasured, adored & missed. After months of other on and offs, Leonardo stood fast against the test of time. Their consistency was highly valued, but could he match it?

The distance was created, just enough to meet face to face. Anticipation reflects in those deep brown eyes when gazing over the other man. Even in the early hours, ungroomed with tiredness still hung on the visage, they were breathtaking. The space is quiet, filled only with the subtle breaths from one another. Leaning in, the tip of the nose brushes theirs before the kiss. A flood of familiar warmth fills the chest, as did their hands meet in the same place, across one another's nape.

The shape of their lips, the little taste of morning coffee and them. Damien could have swore he could smell the grogginess if there were such a thing. The intention behind the gesture was loud, and with it, the shoulders relaxed a little, even if the quivering never did stop. Abruptly, the kiss is broken and Damien's visage twists in discomfort. "I'm scared, Leon. Nobody stays." Subconsciously, touching his own hair as a self soothing stim.

He decided to bury the drunken conversation. If Damien didn’t remember he wouldn’t push or bring it up again. Leo was used to swallowing things and pretending they never happened.

"But I need you to hear something." Leonardo said softly leaning in closer, "I'm not going to disappear. I'm not going to wake up one morning and decide this was a mistake." He paused as his eyebrows stitched together, "I know that's what you're braced for. I can feel it in the way you move around me, like you're ready to catch yourself before you fall." Leonardo let out a shaky breath, all this truth spilling out of him. "I don't know what *more* looks like yet. But I know I want to figure it out with you. Even if it's messy. Even if we're both terrified." Leonardo tugged their joined hands, pulling Damien half a step closer. Close enough to feel the warmth coming off him. "So if you're asking if I want to try…yes. If you're asking if I'm scared…also yes. But I'd rather be scared with you than certain with anyone else."

The stomach was sick with intense emotion, and gods was vulnerability nothing short of nerve-wracking. Damien isn't sure what to do, other than stand there consoling Leonardo and perhaps.. himself too with the thumbs brushing over the the knuckles. The longer company went on, or even held awkward pauses to find words, the hairs on either arm stood up. It's subconscious, the body's alert and survival kicked in.

" But I need you to hear something. "

The insides, trembled. It didn't matter how soft spoken it was uttered, or the expression on the other man's face. Trauma had taught to brace for pain, brace himself for betrayal, and abandonment. You are not worthy conversations. Nausea was forming in the pit of the stomach.

Damien is trying very hard to hold composure and not breath, yet cannot help but scramble to do both. Comfort was found in the little things; hand holding, being in close proximity and the way Leonardo gazed at him.. unwavering, even if the man's words shook.

When all was said, Damien stood there, frozen like a deer in headlights. Words sounded so sweet with genuinity, so convincing. Truly wanting to believe, but couldn't. Instead? It rang a comfortable empty, that's what was familiar.

If this proposal was accepted, in Damien's eyes this would be the beginning of the end. Of safety in knowing both men were close enough to fulfil each others needs but at arm's length so nothing personal leaked through, a comfortable middle. While mentally preparing to suggest it would be a bad idea, the body quivered. Typical. Unaware how noticeable it had been in previous get togethers, occasionally shaking at seemingly random times, as though he were cold.

It was never shared, the obvious reason always defaulting to a sudden chill since he'd be observed reaching for something to warm himself up if it ever happened with company around. "Nobody.." Damien began, but his eye contact wavered quickly, lacking the mental strength Leonardo had.

"Uhm..hug?" Damien would ask for permission, even though both men were right there, it didn't matter. Small pockets of safety were crucial to building trust, and giving a sense of control. Knowing what it felt like to hold none, this was always given, power for his partners both sexually as a soft dominant role, and as a person to the extreme few who did stick around. "Sorry, I.. uh.. my nerves, i got some kinda nerve problem. I dunno.."

"Be wiser next time."

"Her real war is with me."

"Get ready to charm, darling."

"I didn't say bargain. I said take."

"What's the cost of a king's life?"

"To marry you is to defy my king."

"You hurt me to please your lover!"

"You will survive this, I promise you."

"Why would my presence startle you?"

"He knows I speak the truth. You've lost."

"Remember, being king's a performance."

"I am paying the price! I feel like a prisoner."

"You must wed, again. You must love, again."

"All that's left now is to enjoy my final hours."

"You are the prettiest vampire I've ever seen."

"I am their queen. Their whispers are treason."

"It's hard for all of us, being part of this family."

"Love is never simple. Not that I'm any expert."

"Who cares about right or wrong if you're dead?"

"Am I really planning a life, a future, without you?"

"Well, if I have to run, I want to look good doing it."

"I can't. I will never love anyone the way I love you."

"I love you. And I thank God for the time we've had."

"Let me hold you in my arms, or let me leave court."

"I need you near, to see you, even if I can't touch you."

"I may be the enemy, but I'm not without my manners."

"From now on, you're only allowed to dream about me."

"Are you trying to blame a woman for a man's choices?"

"You cannot keep me in a cage. Even one built with love."

"For so long, I've resented that my life belonged to a king..."

"Withdraw your offer, or I will burn your name to the ground."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but… yes! Yes, I will marry you!"

"I would never want to ascend to power if it meant losing you."

"We were here. We were playing a game of chess… which I won."

"Life is full of surprises, and what we make of them is up to us."

"How can I pray to God when I'm certain he does not hear me?"

"The measure of a man is what he does when no one is looking."

"You must rule your own heart as firmly as you rule your subjects."

"Many queens might meet my needs, but only you meet my desires."

"I wish mother were here. She manages tragedy with ruthless clarity."

"I'm sorry I wasn't the mother that you wanted me to be. I did my best."

"I am just as strong and as stubborn as her. I will not live in fear of her!"

"You don't see it, but I do. And I am prepared to wait until you see it, too."

"I don't have much to live for these days, but I can still die for my children."

"No matter what you might think, I can't just force men to fall in love with me."

"I will take back what is mine, and if you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me."

"I have raised children of my own, you know. Some of them turned out quite well."

"I hope your wings are strong, you vulture. You will be circling for quite some time."

"Men don't like taking orders from women. They can barely stand speaking to them."

"We were meant to be happy, and we were, but I have another fate, predicted long ago."

"Well, I suppose you're going to have to settle for being the queen of two nations, not three."

"I know I'm young, and you may assume I'm inexperienced, but I promise I'll give you an heir."

"I really do have an abundance of good taste. It feels good to share it with a commoner."

"I will beg for word from you, for a letter, for a visit… just as I am begging for your forgiveness now."

"You are offering me a kindness and consideration I have rarely shown you through the years. Why?"

"Your love… it gave him so much joy. And that is what you must remember as you move ahead in this life."

FLORAGFX's SUMMER SALE!

This some how feels like a trap.

But sure, I'll go ahead and shout out to the people that have bothered to actually get to know me, reach out on occasion or often, and invest in more than just threads because those people are fantastic people.

The most frequent and in no particular order:

@unsnare / @veteris-sanguinis / @victorylost / @gridlvd / @vspomnit / @rachelambre / @aboutforbes / @webheadedhero / @painofhumanity / @painofsurvival / @milleroptimism / @klaeus / @oncesacred / @devilscheck / @death-upright / @baby-royalty-heir / @nailgore / @cainevesson / @seoulgated / @clochanam / @doryphore

It was easy. Too easy. Except Horangi didn't believe in the superstition surrounding things being too easy. If the dice were loaded, you go with it, take your winnings, and got the hell out of town just in case it did turn out to be a set up. Not all of life was filled with complicated matters. Sometimes an ant merely crawled under your boot to get crushed with no intention on either part. In this instance however, Kim's boot was definitely out to do a little crushing. It was part of the job; it was easy to put off the blame and morality when it came to work.

Certain jobs involved taking out a well-armed terrorist organization holding the supplies for making rudimentary, although no less dangerous, nuclear weapons-- other times jobs just ended with a poor jerk off getting a bullet in the skull. He wasn't sure where this kid sat on the spectrum; most likely a jerkoff getting offed with one simple motion except he would live. For now? Horangi kept the radio low but still on (the silence would just eat at him), drove the speed limit, and checked on his target every forty minutes to the hour.

He skipped several stations until he found something that was just interesting enough that it didn't make him fall asleep at the wheel and it didn't distract him either. Mariachi music was it? He didn't know much about the genre but knew enough Spanish to keep his ass alive in countries which spoke Spanish. His thumbs and pointer fingers drummed against the slightly oily steering wheel and his balaclava remained on; at night no one would notice if anyone was nosy enough to look inside the windows of the van. It was still dark out by the time Horangi arrived at their destination-- just some shitty and massive warehouse in the heart of the city where one or two people collecting cans may have passed by.

It was the kind of warehouse that looked like it fit perfectly in the apocalypse of the industrial hellhole of any major city. However this warehouse was outfitted with surveillance cameras, a fenced in parking garage requiring a pin code, and several entrances requiring fingerprint ID. These kinds of things stood out, if anyone was nosy enough to look where they weren't supposed to. And if they did? The armed lookout on the roof would spot them first. Kim punched in the code, parked with the rear pointed at the rear door, and killed the engine to get to the kid.

He opened the door with care, watched for a few seconds, then climbed in the back to grab the target. He felt dangerously cold to the touch and wet, with more than just sweat. Shit. Too easy, eh? Something about him told Horangi he wasn't going to die. Weird missions tended to linger around. Carefully, he hauled the unconscious man over his shoulder, dropped down from the trunk, and opened the door by placing the flat of his thumb against the sensor. He walked down a series of unmarked hallways only with the knowledge of someone who had been there several times could.

A couple of armed men passed him, offering a look but nothing more. He was supposed to hit the cells but in his condition, with Kim's shirt getting soaked, the medic was the first stop. No one was inside the infirmary but the room was on and the door unlocked. The operative opened the door and left it open, then went to the nearest empty cot and against used gentility to handle the kid. He checked all his pockets, took everything out and let the items drop on the medical table with a clank, checked the kid's pulse, then paged any medic on staff. He dragged a plastic chair close to the cot, then thumbed through all of Damien's possessions. The driver's license was pocketed just as a medic entered the room.

"What's the damage?" The medic sounded bored as the door shut behind him. He grabbed a face mask and a pair of gloved from the glass cabinet against the wall, putting the items on as expected of someone who must have put on thousands if not millions. Horangi watched him carefully.

“ Fainted. He's cold and bleeding. Multiple lacerations. Wasn't my doing. ”

Not that the medic would care even if Horangi was responsible, but it was good to put that information out. The masked medic nodded as he stood next to the cot and just looked at Damien for a few moments before getting to work. By half an hour, Kim wished he had asked for a nurse to help because time was dragging on. Damp with sweat and blood that wasn't his own, the operative shifted in the uncomfortable plastic chair as he watched. More than hour passed by the time all of Damien's wounded were cleaned, stitched, and wrapped.

There's a faint sense of dread, having no grasp on what is happening or, where he is going. Resigned to his fate, bright florescent shadows pass by half lidded vision as he's carried.. then he's out again. What happened afterwards, Damien would have no recollection, but would rouse about 4 and a half to 5 hours later.

Waking in a rolling cot with the brakes on its wheels, his right eye looks around to see where he is, along with the IV in his arm. Panic set in, not only was this not familiar, but he'd just finished his hormonal cycle, why was he in a cage again? Unconsciously, the body quivers, a normal bodily reaction to coping with stress, be it present or past. Looking like nothing more than someone with a chill, if there was a blanket within reach, it would be reached for, but in so doing felt.. bandages. His back.

Whatever or whoever had taken care of him had to remove the worn shirt due to bacteria and blood. Rubbing the face after retrieving what was within reach, a tattooed hand rubbed at the visage and called out since it was clear he was confined to where he'd been put. "Aye! Someone wanna tell a brotha why he's here? 'ello???" It's not very loud, but loud enough, or so he hoped. He sits up in bed a little straighter, still attempting to orient. In his natural state his left eye was white, and without conscious effort, it would remain that way. Although in contrast, the skins complexion was warmer than before. His body was taking well to the vitamin infused IV.

"Get fucked, bee!"

"I can't ration this."

"Ooooh, close, buddy, close."

"I lost my left nipple that day."

"No, I could get naked, though."

"I invented magic not magnets."

"His new mortal enemy is taxes."

"Oh, we're going to kill my family!"

"It's gonna be in your fur for weeks."

"Can't stop me from getting naked."

"There's a lesson here: taxes are bad."

"Just stand back and watch the mayhem."

"This is so much worse than the poisoning!"

"If you would just put your clothes back on…"

"Look around you. You see nothing but foes."

"I was gonna ask you if this was all worth it…"

"I just wanted to be respected… and have gold."

(dazed) "I don't want to go to the circus, father..."

"I missed a lot of them. Those fuckers can jump."

"Hi, my name's (name), and I'm an agent of chaos."

"It's probably gonna be worth more than gold soon."

"You see my clothes covered in blood? It's not mine."

"Oh, and we gave them a weapon of mass destruction."

"This is simultaneously the best and worst day of my life."

"My dream is a nightmare filled with bloodshed and clowns."

"He was very excited to become a murderous rage weapon of war."

"Well, hold on, I think the monster that ate both (name)s makes a good point."

"We saved a life and we stole from these crooked crooks. It's all win-win for me."

"We're becoming infamous, you know. That's pretty cool when you think about it."

"It's gonna really hard for me to point them all out when they're wearing clothes."

"I always knew the creator of the universe was gonna be intelligent enough to graduate from clown college."

"I'm necessary evil."

"Do you feel in charge?"

"Why didn't you just kill me?"

"If I pull that off, will you die?"

"I was born in it, molded by it."

"It would be very painful… for you."

"At least you can talk. Who are you?"

"We both know I have to kill you now."

"None shall interfere; do as you please."

"One man's tool is another man's weapon."

"You're afraid that if I go back out there, I'll fail."

"We were in this together. Then you were gone."

"No one cared who I was until I put on the mask."

"I had to find a way to keep them from killing me."

"I didn't realize I was known for trifling with criminals."

"The shadows betray you, because they belong to me!"

"It doesn't matter who we are. What matters is our plan."

"But shouldn't the people know the hero who saved them?"

"Seven years I waited, hoping that you wouldn't come back."

"Calm down! Now is not the time for fear. That comes later."

"I mean, we use to make up stories about you, man. Legends."

"The rich don't even go broke the same as the rest of us, huh?"

"Step forward, those who would serve, for an army will be raised."

"If this man is everything that you say he is, then this city needs me."

"Oh, you think darkness is your ally, but you merely adopted the dark."

"Not a lot people know what if feels like to, like… to be angry, in your bones."

"You don't fear death. You welcome it. Your punishment must be more severe."

"If you're seriously considering going back out there, you should hear the rumors."

"Save yourself. You don't owe these people any more. You've given them everything."

"There are always people you care about. You just don't realize how much until they're gone."

"But sometimes a man rises from the darkness. Sometimes the darkness sends something back."

"I knew who you really were. I'd seen that look on your face before. It was the same one I taught myself."

"The powerful will be ripped from their decadent nests, and cast out into the cold world that we know and endure."

"I figured it out too late: you gotta learn to hide the anger, practice smiling in the mirror. It's like putting on a mask."

"I always knew there was nothing here for you, except pain and tragedy. And I wanted something more for you than that. I still do."

I feel really safe with you.

Leo’s jaw tightened, not rejecting it, but taking it in. Safe. Shit. Leonardo didn’t know how to receive that. How could this be causal with such trust and safety threaded through it? When Damien asked what he wanted them to be, that’s when Leo finally moved. He took a step closer, mere inches from the other “I don’t know,” he admitted in a whisper. “I thought I did. Thought this was… contained.” His hand gestured vaguely again, shorter this time, less certain. “You are right this is what we agreed on. We don’t ask for more than what’s in front of us. No expectations.” A faint, humorless breath escaped him. “That worked until it didn’t.” His eyes lifted again, locking onto Damien’s.

Affirmation. Leonardo confirmed it, at least there is a semblance of comfort the other man wasn't opening the door to him out of pity, but to than continue their arrangement. Damien kept eying company, as he slowly drew a little closer, hyper vigilance was in full swing. Any hint he wasn't wanted, the slightest grimace, the underlying words that he wasn't desired any more, not really. It is what he believed anyway, how could he be wanted anywhere for long?

The jaw clench, it's spotted, but before the alarm system could spur a response, Leonardo draws close enough Damien has to restrain his breathing lest he breathe morning coffee breath onto them. He's still shy about some things, and that was one of them. A need to still present and be the perfect partner.

As the closeness lingered and the uncertainty voiced, the mouth watered with a quiet ache to kiss. The fine details of their face, the way the corners of their eyes wrinkled, their long lashes and the imperfections of the skin or its complexion. Damien adored Leonardo, and maybe that aided in his feelings of safety. The other man needed lots of reassurance too, they both did.

At the mention of last nights conversation, the unease built back up again, that sounded bad. "Er.. no? What did I say?" Yet, instead of an answer, out came the reality. It should have corresponded to.. excitement. And.. some part of him did feel it, but he's.. frozen. The cupping of the face is unsettling, and so his hands still empty from before, reach up to rest on Leonardo's forearms and gently pull them away to entangle both of their hands instead.

"I mean.. I guess not? It has been more than three times." Shoulders lift in a shrug, although the desire to kiss only intensified with the admittance. Not confidence enough to outrightly go for it, hands are lifted to his face to kiss across the knuckles, eyes avoidant at first, but they'd eventually meet once again. "Does.. this mean you want more?" There it was again, the mixed feelings of excitement, and dread. Dread, that Leonardo would see him completely and be just as uncomfortable as everyone else.