??

I haven’t updated in awhile. I think most of the stuff I was writing felt like a pitty fest. And although I’m not really scared of putting much out, I’m also not looking for sympathy or anything. So I wasn’t down to publish what I had originally written. I’m also thinking about future employment, and if I have to do a background check would this come up? Wouldn’t be the worst thing I guess. I’m more worried about my twitter likes then this. Anyways, it’s a good day. Not much to complain about other than the fact that I have to go to work today, but even then it’s only for 5 hours and the extra money will be good. There’s an open mic night tonight tho and I wish I could go to that instead. That and I forgot my vape so I have no idea what to do on my work breaks. School is starting to get more serious too and I really just wanna be done with it already. I don’t think that this is for me to be honest. I’m supposed to be high as fuck playing in for a band, yet here I am 24 hours sober and at school. What the hell am I going to do with myself though? I can’t be a lost cause, because everything always works out in the end anyways, but what if it doesn’t? And I’m just okay with the struggle. Whatever, again, I always get lucky in the end. Even if I end up on the streets or something I bet someone will like give me this amazing offer and forever change my life. Is that just being self centered? I guess so, but it’s the only thing I’m good at (Why else would I be writing this shit). 

I don't know this is dumb I don't take it seriously. I don't consider this poetry. Just letting my run free.

I didn’t update after meeting Pete because I was in a frenzy. It was great. All my fears were for nothing yet they still continue to linger. I froze up when I was there because to be that close to someone who has saved you and doesn’t even know it is heartstopping stuff. Well Pete says you save yourself, they’re just the fuel to keep going. But if they hadn’t released mania the day that they did I wouldn’t be here to be meeting them at all. But maybe I didn’t wanna die at all, maybe just listening to mania instead of ending it was just an excuse to keep living. Anyways it was great I just kept staring and he asked if I wanted a picture, and over all he’s just super nice. I’m kind of sad now that I didn’t wear any merch because I didn’t want to turn the attention away from the comic. I’m also sad at how awkward I am and How my mind works because I had so much to say but nothing came out. Maybe he thinks I’m weird, maybe he doesn’t think about it all, they met so many people to think that I’m someone he’d remember is conceited I guess. I read the comic by the way it’s really cute. At least as a former dramatic teen. The main character is really into Elliot Smith and I think that it’s really cute because that’s how I am about him. They also have a pretty good playlist going on. Well other than meeting Pete I’ve been really out of my comfort zone and pushing for myself to be more social and I’m doing this all off my medications. I never knew I didn’t need them. Well like I do feel like my life is more put together when I take them and I’ve been feeling a bit out of it. Like this universe isn’t real, and there’s really no purpose to anything but I mean I’ve been alright so it’s not that big of a deal. I got a tattoo yesterday and it’s in a place where if I’m not careful my mom might see it, and I thought about how she thinks I’m going to hell. Not just because of the tat2 but because of my ‘rebelion’ against God. Getting high and and doing things deemed as sin really get me thinking of how I’m going to die and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Not like I want to live forever, but the idea that everything just ceases to exist is incomprehensible. That’s why I want to believe in God so much, and maybe to some extent I do. But I don’t like the idea that he has to dictate what you do while living. Maybe I believe in God but I also believe he hates me. And just like with everyone else I’m not good enough for him. I’ve had this fight countless times with myself and countless times with my mom trying to debunk His existence. I think she finally gave up on me after years of this back and fourth. It still leaves in imprint on the way I live life though, I do think about how I can never truly stand for what I believe in. I don’t believe in God, but somehow I’m still agnostic, somehow I still believe I deserve to suffer for enjoying life. I want to believe in a just and fair God. I want to believe I’m not a bad person and I’m still set for heaven, but with everything I’ve done I know the gates are closed. And circling this all back to Pete in his book Gray he says, “I wonder if killing yourself is the only thing you can control in your entire life, and that's why it's a sin. Because you're beating God at his own game.” And I think that’s why I just don’t end it, I always look for alternative slower ways that I know lessen my time. It’s not like I’m really killing myself, nobody will look at it that way they’ll just think I went a little to far with my vices.

I’m in LA to meet Pete Wentz. Not really tho, I drove 2 hours for 2 seconds of his time maybe a little more.But I stand here in line and I wonder why I’m here. I’m sure this grown man is exhausted and doesn’t want to really meet any of us or at least me. But I’m not him so I can’t really say. I always have these false beliefs of what people believe of me. Especially people I admire and want in my life. Like I made this new friend in one of my classes and I’m already wondering if he wants to really be friends with me or if I’m just a temporary thing till the semester ends. I’m supposed to be getting a tattoo after meeting Pete Wentz (it’s in my life’s bucket list) but this feels so impersonal I don’t know if it really counts. I don’t know. My mind is running wild on what people assume of me right now. Even the people who (won’t) read this. This is for me, I can say what I want to an extent I guess. I’m nervous but also I know it’s going to be like the Mona Lisa. Maybe not. Don’t follow my train of thought. All I know is that I’ll be disappointed because I have this idealized version of him in my head but in reality he’s just a person and no person should be placed on that high of a pedestal. Yet I still love him (platonically) and see so much of myself in him. I can’t explain it tho. I’ll probably write again later tonight when I’m home but I’m not expecting much and yet expecting everything at the same time.

This is my first journal that I’m putting on tumblr. I’m trying to make the blog like a live journal thing… So why not just post on live journal? Because I never hear of people using it anymore and on top of that I grew up on tumblr so it’s only fair. I don’t expect people to read the journals. It’s more for me to look back on in like 20 years and be nostalgic for what was. Cause lord knows I hate it all right now. But that’s how it goes. It’s like that Arctic Monkeys song “Nothing seems as pretty as the past though.” Even if the past was bad to me I look at it with sadness because I’ll never feel like that again. It’s whatever I can deal with living in the present moment for the most part. I just wish I had something exciting and consistent going on. Like a new fling or maybe even something more (Cause I’m so good at that lol). I haven’t wanted to really be with anybody in almost 3 years. I don’t mind, I like the single life and I’m not lacking much. I’m just tired of meaningless hookups and going on dates from people on dating apps. I don’t think it’d ever work out for more than just using each other and again that gets boring after a while. Or maybe I’m just not built for long term commitment.